Kelly Crawford

I was also heavily involved, and had been since I was 13 or 14 in dating relationships. I probably had what I would call 5 or 6 serious relationships, with a whole bunch of “flings” in between. All I thought about were boys from a very early age. They consumed the better part of my growing up years. I experienced heart aches so deep that I remember wanting to die.

I guess my parents, like most, felt helpless against the pressure to allow dating. I mean, it was what everyone did. How could they not allow me to? Satan’s lies and the power behind them are so strong, that Christian fathers all over the nation are wringing their hands about this gut feeling they have, and yet continue to relinquish the protection God has given them over their daughters, turning them over to be all but completely destroyed by this model of dating.

My unwed pregnancy was not the tragedy of my life, like everyone made it out to be. It never is. The tragedy was the brokenness, the violation of purity, the detachment from my family during very important years, the raping of mind, body and soul, leaving me degraded, used and with little to offer my husband in the sacred bond of marriage.

I praise Him for his grace, for His ability to soothe wounds. But God is not a magician who waves His wand and the consequences of years of disobedience and sin just vanish. That’s what I would communicate to parents. Just because it finally ends, and that child grows up and finds a mate, doesn’t mean the consequences are left at the altar. That whole “learn from your mistakes” thing is not always what it’s cracked up to be. Grace is ours, but the consequences are too.

A few cautions for parents considering the courtship model.

First, the authority of the father must be applied differently depending upon whether a situation is a negative or positive one. In other words, a world of difference lies between a man refusing a suitor his daughter might like and a father insisting on a man his daughter does not like. In the first instance, he is providing a protective fence and it is likely that he knows far more than his daughter does. His wisdom is exercised the way a father’s wisdom should be-in a defensive and protective way.

But in the latter instance, it is far more likely that his daughter knows more about the situation than he does. A man who tries to insist that his daughter develop an interest in someone he likes is a fool. He is not choosing a hunting partner for himself. His daughter is choosing a life long mate! Far from being a protection for her, she now needs (and does not have) protection from him. A man with an attractive daughter will become accustomed to the routine of putting off suitors. But a wise man will be extremely reluctant to exercise his authority in this area in a positive, prescriptive way – “This is the man you must marry . ” Now the world is a complicated place, and so we can imagine situations where this rule might not apply, but as a general rule this is really the difference between a defender and a tyrant.

Second, the tendency to trust the “system” of courtship for “sure results” is actually the sure road to disaster. We will start hearing the courtship horror stories as they trickle in. Suzie Q was excommunicated because she couldn’t bring herself to like the pastor’s son. Billy John was attacked by the parents of a plain girl in the congregation for his obvious lack of spirituality, as evidenced by his most grievous interest in that pretty one over there. But biblical patterns of behavior are only a blessing when they are followed by biblical people. As a proverb in the mouth of a fool reminds Solomon of the legs on a lame man (Proverbs 26:7), so the phrase biblical courtship in the mouths of fools is equally incongruous.

Third, we need to face up to the “too late” factor. A man who picks up a book on biblical courtship when his daughter is already living with a guy at college really ought to be reading something else. We glory in the truth that sin can be forgiven, but God has not arranged the world so that the consequences of sin are automatically erased whenever sin is confessed. We are individuals who will live forever, and in our children God has placed everlasting souls under our charge. This means that disobedience by parents can botch someone up eternally. Disobedient children should always be in our prayers, but we must not intimate that twenty years of parental sin admits of a quick fix. When a seventeen-year-old daughter has been dating for five years, and the full-tilt courtship model is used to clamp down on her, the only thing that will come of it is some really interesting pastoral problems.

Fourth is the pernicious problem of the spiritual pride associated with courtship. “We practice biblical courtship.” “Ooooooo. Can I touch you?” “No. That’s kind of the point, actually.” Such pride is often the result of embracing a practice which is not mainstream, and which sets the practitioner off as being weird. When pretending not to be weird would clearly be unsuccessful, the alternative frequently comes out in various weird and proud manifestations. But even if the pride is a defensive one, it remains pride and ought to be confessed as sin.

The central principle involved in courtship is biblical and constant. The parents of a young woman are to be authoritatively involved in the process of her courtship and marriage. The cultural practices will vary. The amount of wisdom displayed by the young people and parents will vary. The humility and grace will vary. But at bottom, this is a normal pattern of living for normal people who want to live biblically.

~Douglas Wilson

Let me thank Daja for bringing up some questionable issues regarding the article I referred to on courtship. Let me then say, that I embarrassingly admit that I did not read the entire piece as thoroughly as I should have before posting.

I won’t go into all the details of every point I agree and disagree with, but mainly, I strongly disagree with the author labeling “Armenians” as heretics. I have many close friends and family who are Armenian in their doctrine, and I do not question their salvation. With that said, I would agree that doctrinal differences within a marriage can definitely create problems, and it is probably wise to court a suitor with whom you agree in doctrine and theology.

And I strongly disagree with his interpretation of “biblical worship”. While there are differing opinions of what worship looks like, I do not at all agree that the use of instruments and such, are unbiblical, as apparently this author implies.

When I read the article, I recognized that it offered a good overview of the practice of courtship, explaining the dangers of dating in a biblical light, and so I offered it as a guideline mostly for those who are new to the process and needed to grasp some of the nuts and bolts of it.

I have stated emphatically before, that there is no one formula for courtship; only some general guidelines that can serve to assist a family walking through it. Every family and every circumstance is different.

As you read the article, chew up the meat and spit out the bones. There are some wonderful things to be gleaned from it, but I do not uphold, nor do I suspect most of you, every word the author says.

Just wanted to clarify! In the future, I will be more discerning and at least provide sufficient warning about the writings I post.

Thanks for your understanding!

I am offering an extended version of the topic of courtship in this post. I feel so strongly about this subject, and so desire that Christians everywhere would come to understand the devastating truth about our culture’s dating practices, that I wanted to share this article, by Reformed On-line, as a resource.

The following 3 points are partial answers the the author’s question: “Why is dating wrong?”

1. Modern recreational dating is unbiblical because it tempts the parties involved to commit sexual immorality and often leads to fornication. Because of our sinful natures and because of natural sexual appetites believers should never place themselves in situations that can cause temptation and sin….

2. Another particularly troublesome aspect of the dating paradigm is that believers are trained to confuse lust and strong emotions with genuine biblical love. Kissing and rubbing various parts of the body are clearly foreplay; they are the normal prelude to sexual intercourse. Although a Christian man would never allow someone to conduct himself in such a manner (i.e., foreplay, sexual touching) with his wife or daughter, he convinces himself that such behavior is somehow acceptable when he is single and the hormones are flowing. He is also ignoring the fact that he is touching someone else’s future wife, while at the same time expecting his own future wife to be chaste….

3. Modern recreational dating is unbiblical because it trains young people to take male-female covenant relationships lightly. With modern dating the goal of the relationship is first personal pleasure (i.e., having a lot of fun); then second, developing romantic feelings and strong emotions; then third (in some cases) the making of some sort of commitment (e.g., going steady). At this point in the relationship, however, the commitment is only one of restricting pleasurable activities (going out, sexual gratification, etc.) to each other. Engagement or betrothal is only a future possibility at best. Note, that this so-called dating commitment can be dissolved by either party at any time for any reason whatsoever without any negative civil or social consequences….

Conclusion:

Biblical courtship is a great blessing. It takes the extremely important process of finding a life partner out of the realm of human autonomy (irrationality, fleeting emotions, lust and romance), and places it squarely upon God’s infallible word. It frees men and women from temptation and peer pressure, con artists and hasty, ill-informed decisions by protecting them by means of a convenantal fence. It brings men and women together with their Christian parents and their decades of sanctified experience. It also gives young adults a genuine opportunity to really get to know one another. It is our hope and prayer that God’s people would return to this biblical practice.

Read the entire article HERE:

Let me know what you think, and pass the word along! (Who knows…your spreading the word about courtship could possibly come back around in the form of a son-in-law or daughter-in-law!)

I am beginning a series on courtship–a subject about which I’m extremely passionate. But to discuss the need for courtship, first we have to dismantle the model of dating. It is only fitting that we discuss this subject right after our series on homechooling. It was the very issue of dating that prompted our first thoughts of homeschooling. I’ll explain later…

Dating is an acceptable practice for the majority of US citizens, including Christians. Dating, I believe, is one of Satan’s biggest knee-slappers. I’m not at all reluctant to make such a statement. I think a major component of the staggering divorce rate is related to our practice of finding a spouse. I am a victim of its poison, and I watch its horrible effects every single day. You are probably a victim too. We all have varying degrees of damage, but very few escape unscathed. The problem is, we have been conditioned to accept the atrocities of dating as “normal”, even necessary for life.

I’m horrified at Christians who won’t even consider the damage recreational dating is doing to our youth culture, continuing, instead, to assist their own children in perpetuating broken relationships that turn into broken marriages. We are called to be discerning, to walk circumspectly, to be set apart. Why won’t we look at the statistics, look at our youth culture, look at our failed marriages within the church and say “SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG HERE!”

Dating doesn’t make sense from any angle.

First of all, dating conditions us to approach relationships merely for how they benefit us (which is the opposite for the preparations of marriage). How many times during your dating years did you find yourself saying, “I really don’t like this guy anymore…but, I’m going to give up my own happiness for his, and stay with him, and serve him, and place his needs over my own”?

No, instead, we date a guy because we “like” him, or because he’s popular, or good-looking or has some other physical/infatuating quality that appeals to us. We are not very interested in his character, or how he treats his mother, or how he responds to negative situations. As soon as he doesn’t fulfill our needs, he’s history, or vice-versa. A whole book could be written just on the emotional damage that repeated break-ups do to a person, and their conditioning for future relationships.

Secondly, we send our children off “dating” as early as 13 or 14 years old–what logic is this? They are no where near marriageable age, nor are they even thinking of it. Their hormones are completely out of whack, and they lack maturity and discernment in every area. Add to this insanity the way most young girls leave the house dressed, and you have just orchestrated a disaster.

That’s why I call it recreational dating. It is often merely a past time, not related at all to finding a spouse, which is what the ultimate goal should be. The most crucial training time for a person is the time prior to marriage. The youth years should be spent focusing on life-skills, building a strong relationship with the Lord and with family, and preparing for the future. Instead, most of these years in the typical life are squandered–being completely distracted by shallow relationships that actually work to destroy our foundations for a healthy future, and interfering with the strong bonds of family that are so crucial.