If Dating’s Bad, Then What?

I’ll clarify right at the start, that the word “courtship” is just a word that can have many different meanings to different people. Some people don’t even use the word. For simplicity’s sake, I’m using it to refer to the general principle of a biblical approach to finding a spouse. Every family views courtship a little differently, but the basic premise is usually the same–that’s what this post is about.

Let me also preface the post by saying that courtship is not a list of do’s and don’ts that will ensure a perfect marriage. We are all fallen humans, struggling with sin, and prone to mistakes. Sometimes the courtship process doesn’t go as smoothly as a family hoped. I’ve seen disappointments and frustrations. But be sure it is a heart issue where a family is seeking, the best they know how, to honor God with this crucial decision. And in every situation I know of, He always honors those efforts, despite the stumbles along the way.

There are several basic tenets of courtship most people observe:

The first one is the recognition of waiting until a person is ready to marry before pursuing a romantic relationship of any kind. This is foreign to the “test-drive” dating process. In courtship, we acknowledge that it is futile to be “looking” for a spouse before one is ready for marriage. The years prior to marriage should be spent in physical, mental and spiritual preparation for such. A young man or woman who is consumed with a romantic relationship during his/her teen years, not only violates their future spouse, damages their own emotions, but also squanders many opportunities for growth toward maturity. Of course this principle requires discipline, self-control and a parent-honoring relationship. Many an opposition will be our children’s in this dating-oriented culture–we have to prepare them.

The second tenet of the courtship principle (of course these are all intertwined together), is recognizing the sovereignty of God, His desire to honor purity, and His ability to “bring you together” at the right time. Dating assumes that I have to go out and find a mate. Courtship believes that God will bring my spouse into my life at His appointed time. VERY IMPORTANT THING TO GRASP.

Thirdly, courtship relies heavily on the parent’s involvement in finding a spouse. This is where we get accused of practicing “arranged marriages”. Such an accusation merely reveals the accuser’s ignorance of the subject. For years, and still in many countries, parents were closely involved in their children’s choice of spouses. And why shouldn’t they be? Parents have an innate sense of the characteristics of their children. They have divine intuition, and are able to guide them, from an objective point of view, in or out of desirable relationships.

I think this particular part of the whole process is hard for most people to swallow. Tragically, little by little, the parent’s honor and authority have been stripped away from the family. The schools know better about education; the church knows better about spiritual training, the youth group knows better about “what we’re going through”, so where does that leave parents? Dumb, old-fashioned and with little to offer. This is NOT the way God designed families!!!

The parents serve as a tremendous means of protection for a daughter as she approaches marriageable age, and before, if need be. When a young woman readily submits to her father’s authority and honors his devotion to her protection, he stands as a shield against those who would selfishly seek to violate her purity. When it does come time to evaluate suitors for his daughter, a father knows he is ultimately responsible for the man he hands his daughter to at the altar. What father, understanding his responsibility, is not going to throw himself before the throne of God on behalf of wisdom in helping her make this important decision?

As suitors come and go, the first “line of defense” is that he is man enough to inquire of her father. This will rule out a good many of our culture’s weak-kneed boys. It also gives the father and mother the opportunity to turn one away that they know is not a suitable man for their daughter, without even getting her heart involved. At some point, a man will come (hopefully!) that her parents feel have the qualities of a godly husband. It is then, that she has complete freedom to choose to get to know him, or not. There is never a point, that I’ve ever seen in families that practice courtship, where she is forced to marry someone she does not whole-heartedly wish to marry.

Still another facet of courtship involves how the couple gets to know each other. Two important elements are missing from most dating relationships: a physical accountability, and the opportunity to see a realistic picture of one another. Courtship seeks to remedy these problems. Most courtship relationships involve the couple spending time with each other in group settings, particularly with each other’s families. This is an obvious physical protection that should not even have to be explained. Of course every family and couple have different “boundaries”. Some are never alone; some are permitted some time alone. There is no rule, but each family should seek the Lord on these issues. Besides immediate physical protection, should the couple decide to end the courship, hearts, minds and bodies have been preseved. The ending is not like a miniature divorce.

On the subject of physical limits: again, every family is different. But it is widely practiced, and I personally believe, that no physical contact (other than a friend-type contact) should be made prior to marriage. When I first heard this idea, I thought it was absolutely ludicrous. A lot of people do–sad, since the Bible speaks of not touching a woman. We’re so very desensitized from all the bombardment of sex around us, that not holding hands just seems anti-American. In the days of the Civil War, if a woman did not wear gloves during a formal dance, to prevent her skin from touching a man’s, she was considered loose. We’ve come a long way baby!

As I mentioned in my last post, if we would think about our pre-marriage experiences from a new angle, considering what would be appropriate after marriage, things would look very different. Where are the boundaries? If holding hands is OK, why isn’t kissing? And kissing, by its very nature, invokes sexual feelings that are not supposed to be aroused in a couple who isn’t married. (In fact, you can probably recall that the first time you even held a boy’s hand you felt tingly all over–that’s sexual too.)

What makes the days before I walk to the altar any different to my husband than the days afterwards? If it’s a violation after I’m married, what makes it innocent before? Just thoughts for you to ponder. Our bodies are easily aroused. Shouldn’t all of it be saved for my spouse?

But along with this protection, the couple gets to really see what the other is like. It’s easy to be anyone you want to be when you go out to dinner and a movie. But that doesn’t provide much opportunity for observing what a person is really like. In a family setting, we see how he treats his brothers and sisters; his mother; her father, etc. We see how he responds to touchy situations (we all know that a person can be seen for who he really is within the context of his family!) It’s a much more realistic picture of who your potential marriage partner is.

The most common question I hear about the idea of courtship is “how does a person ever find a mate if they don’t date”? It’s really the same principle. If you are a “dater”, the dating boys find out and ask you out. If you are a “courtship gal”, the courtship boys find out and wait for you! I guess the underlying thought is that no one else on the planet practices this “odd” sort of thing. Wrong. Many, many do, and many more are forsaking the world’s ways and striving to follow a biblical course for finding a mate.

And just like the success stories about homeschooling, I have witnessed and know personally, so many beautiful courtship stories, witnessing first kisses at the altar (talk about emotional!), seeing a couple pure and spotless as a lamb, entering into holy matrimony with a whole life time of discovery ahead of them. TRUE ROMANCE! What parents wouldn’t want this for their children?

I wrote an analogy about courtship a few years ago a friend urged me to share. It is entitled “Daughters and Chocolate Cake”. Click on the title to read it.

Here is a great website with lots of real-life courtship stories. I hope they encourage you, and give you a clearer understanding of what it looks like to wait for your mate! Courtship Stories