I am beginning a series on courtship–a subject about which I’m extremely passionate. But to discuss the need for courtship, first we have to dismantle the model of dating. It is only fitting that we discuss this subject right after our series on homechooling. It was the very issue of dating that prompted our first thoughts of homeschooling. I’ll explain later…
Dating is an acceptable practice for the majority of US citizens, including Christians. Dating, I believe, is one of Satan’s biggest knee-slappers. I’m not at all reluctant to make such a statement. I think a major component of the staggering divorce rate is related to our practice of finding a spouse. I am a victim of its poison, and I watch its horrible effects every single day. You are probably a victim too. We all have varying degrees of damage, but very few escape unscathed. The problem is, we have been conditioned to accept the atrocities of dating as “normal”, even necessary for life.
I’m horrified at Christians who won’t even consider the damage recreational dating is doing to our youth culture, continuing, instead, to assist their own children in perpetuating broken relationships that turn into broken marriages. We are called to be discerning, to walk circumspectly, to be set apart. Why won’t we look at the statistics, look at our youth culture, look at our failed marriages within the church and say “SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG HERE!”
Dating doesn’t make sense from any angle.
First of all, dating conditions us to approach relationships merely for how they benefit us (which is the opposite for the preparations of marriage). How many times during your dating years did you find yourself saying, “I really don’t like this guy anymore…but, I’m going to give up my own happiness for his, and stay with him, and serve him, and place his needs over my own”?
No, instead, we date a guy because we “like” him, or because he’s popular, or good-looking or has some other physical/infatuating quality that appeals to us. We are not very interested in his character, or how he treats his mother, or how he responds to negative situations. As soon as he doesn’t fulfill our needs, he’s history, or vice-versa. A whole book could be written just on the emotional damage that repeated break-ups do to a person, and their conditioning for future relationships.
Secondly, we send our children off “dating” as early as 13 or 14 years old–what logic is this? They are no where near marriageable age, nor are they even thinking of it. Their hormones are completely out of whack, and they lack maturity and discernment in every area. Add to this insanity the way most young girls leave the house dressed, and you have just orchestrated a disaster.
That’s why I call it recreational dating. It is often merely a past time, not related at all to finding a spouse, which is what the ultimate goal should be. The most crucial training time for a person is the time prior to marriage. The youth years should be spent focusing on life-skills, building a strong relationship with the Lord and with family, and preparing for the future. Instead, most of these years in the typical life are squandered–being completely distracted by shallow relationships that actually work to destroy our foundations for a healthy future, and interfering with the strong bonds of family that are so crucial.
Assuming that our model of dating was suppose to actually prepare for marriage…we send two hormonal teenagers out together, alone, and even “expect” them to be intimate–two married people could hardly hold up to that kind of physical temptation…how can we expect them to?
Thirdly, there’s the emotional attachment. A few years ago churches everywhere launched a “True Love Waits” campaign. While their efforts were noble, their understanding was terribly off. True love does wait…it waits for everything. I know many people who somehow managed to get through their dating experience and marry as virgins, but they were emotionally violated.
Think about this…what do we expect from our husbands in relation to his faithfulness to us? Would you be upset if your husband winked flirtatiously at another woman? What if he just enjoyed talking to her on the phone ever so often? What if just held her hand? All these activities would strongly violate marriage fidelity. And yet, every girl and boy who partakes of all these “harmless” activities stores them up in their emotional treasure. They don’t just erase every encounter they’ve had at the altar–those encounters become a permanent part of their lives. Every unmarried person is some one’s husband or wife. Why is it OK to violate them before the altar?
The typical dating experience involves at least some level of intimate attachment with at least two or three different people. The dating victims “practice” attaching then breaking up…attaching then breaking up, over and over. They strengthen the innate selfish pursuit of “my happiness”, and they set themselves up for virtually impossible temptations. They give away parts of their hearts, their minds, their dreams, their bodies, their emotions, all to someone who, in a few years will be nothing more than a stranger. They finally get to the altar broken, used, and carrying enormous baggage that will greatly affect their marriage.
Unfortunately, most of us will never personally know what a marriage really can be–approached from the beginning, God’s way. In fact, I have no doubt that many reading this will scoff…”She’s crazy. I dated, have no emotional scars and have a wonderful marriage”. And you may–praise God for His unfathomable grace! But we also have nothing to compare to. It may be possible that we will never know the bliss of the marriage God intended for us, had we kept our hearts for just our husbands. But we can prepare our sons and daughters for marriages that truly reflect the beauty and purity of Christ and his bride.
There is a much better way…not the world’s way, so of course, we can expect opposition. But isn’t that what the Bible teaches? To be thankful when we are persecuted for righteousness’ sake?
My next post will get into the meaning of courtship. In the mean time, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts about the damage you perceive dating to be doing to us. Likewise, I would love to hear from you if you disagree–that’s what makes this blog a debate! I left much unsaid here…perhaps your comments/questions/opposition will flesh out the topic a bit more.
16 comments
I have a feeling I’ll think about this all day. I’m interested to read the next segment.
Dear Kelly,
I’m SO glad I found your blog. I come from precisely the secular dating background you described (you articulated it very well), and it left me used, abused, broken, insecure and feeling I will never get married. I was in such pain. Thankfully, blissfully, I’m engaged now, and we took a completely different road with my fiance. We prepare for marriage. We guard our hearts and minds. We don’t even hold hands (I can almost hear someone muttering ‘freaks!’ :p).
As you said, and as any sensible person should have realized a long time ago, dating doesn’t prepare us for marriage. It prepares us for divorce. And we are so ignorant about it! Some time ago, a reader of my blog, a young girl, emailed me and asked, ‘what’s the difference between courtship and dating? Is it that in courtship, there’s less of the physical side?’ – how much we ALL need to learn! I think I should post my answer to this girl on my blog.
If you want to know more about my personal story, you can read:
‘Reclaiming the gift of chastity’
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/05/reclaiming-gift-of-chastity.html
And also:
‘Purity during courtship’
http://ccostello.blogspot.com/2007/06/purity-during-courtship.html
i agree with this, kelly.
my parents didn’t let me date and although i resented them for it at the time, they were absolutely right.
the dating cycle is vicious, cruel and unlike what feminists would have you believe: it doesn’t put the woman in power—it puts her at terrible risk!
it has also led to a breakdown of the sexual boundary that once protected women.
Thanks for the comments ladies…it blesses my heart to see a generation of women rising up, willing to embrace the truth and pass it on to their families. I believe there is tremendous hope for our future!
Ack!! My dh and I were disagreeing about this very thing not two weeks ago! He says our 13 year old can date any time he wants if he asks first!!
Thankfully he has no inclination for that, so he’s not going to ask. I’m not going to bring up the subject with him either LOL!
Mrs. C
Mrs. C.,
It is really tough when husband and wife have differing views about these important subjects. Courtship is especially a topic where the husband must be on board.
But it sounds like there is still time for the Lord to work in his heart! I would do some heavy praying for your husband’s viewpoint to be changed, and it couldn’t hurt to leave a few good books about dating and courtship lying around 😉
Keep checking in because starting tomorrow, I’m going to be posting some true courtship love stories. Maybe you could print them off and share them with him!
something that amazes me about modern dating is how casual it is. i mean, a guy and girl can be hanging out for months, perhaps even “hooking up” and not even be exclusive or refer to themselves as boyfriend/girlfriend.
there was an ad i saw recently for a lingerie/sex-toy store (we live in a very urban area where this is a common sight) and it said:
“calm down. it’s just sex.”
if that’s not the hugest lie out there i don’t know what is!!
how can feminists say they are in favor of women’s power when women are having their power stripped right out from underneath them and are left vulnerable and exposed!!
oh, this makes me so upset and worried for our young men and women!!!! grrrrr!
Praise God for having someone like you who is not afraid to say these things aloud for fear of looking like an old fogie!!
I feel exactly the same way. My oldest is 19 and she briefly courted a young man from our church for consideration of full courtship. The courting period only lasted about a month and they were not allowed to be alone together nor to leave our home, hold hands, etc. The time showed us and him that they were not meant for one another. They are friends but nothing more.
Now she is praying and waiting for her husband, whom ever he is and he will be the one the LORD has for her in his timing. Until then, we are all praying for him to make his arrival in the LORD’s timing.
Mrs. C.,
It IS hard when husband and wife aren’t in agreement.
BUT, remember courtship, dating or pitchin’ woo….it’s not about rules. It’s about the heart. Pray for your son’s heart and for his purity. Teach him to honor his sisters in Christ and to value the gift of sex and all its aspects. Give him examples of young people and married people to admire. And he is less likely to go for the world’s model no matter what you or your husband call it.
It might just “happen” ;-).
I have several friends whose parents did not make rules about no dating and yet they chose a better route and had their first kiss at the altar. Because their hearts had been won to God and they saw examples in others…they chose it for themselves without any rules being forced on them.
Just some encouragement.
Love,
Daja
Thanks ladies! I’ll be reading!
Mrs. C.
“We date a guy because we “like” him, or because he’s popular, or good-looking or has some other physical/infatuating quality that appeals to us”
We do tend to stop dating a guy who does nothing for us, but that’s generally smart; how are we going to live with a guy in marriage if we can’t now? What else is there to do besides stop dating him?
The next few comments weren’t really true for anyone close to me; my sisters, good friends and I have always cared about more important aspects of guys, like how they treat their moms. My own mom trained us to recognize the latter point as an identifying trait of how he’ll treat women in general.
The reason I’m generally against courtship is two-fold: one, it starts too seriously on the get-go. We’re looking for marriage, but not so seriously that we should scrutinize the person we’re interested in like a candidate for a job. It’s a HECK of a lot of pressure, and just doesn’t seem..realistic. People need to be able to socialize with calm, casual and honest feelings, rather than looking at each other as “spouse or non-spouse” every minute they’re together. Love happens naturally, not on arrangement.
Which leads me to the second part: it’s not realistic. Not for most people and most church and family arrangements. Unless one’s environment is very strictly organized, it ain’t gonna work. And how tedious it would be if it took really long: first guy doesn’t work out, second guy doesn’t work out, and everything’s done in slow, methodical steps (only one guy being considered at a time, of course). If you add the uber-patriarchal “no guy gets through without Daddy’s scrutiny first” step as well, it can become downright torture. I don’t agree with the last step anyway: these are GROWNUPS we’re talking about here. Parents should help the process, not govern it. The method of Daddy making or breaking the match is unrealistic and fairytale-ish as well as repugnant to me. I know of course that I’m only describing ONE method of courtship here; not everyone practices it, and I’m flat-out against it. Of course there’s often the added touch of not letting them have any time alone together at all, only courting in front of family. One person said this prevented the rose-tinted impression that being alone could sometimes have on couples. Are you kidding? People are far more likely to act fakely in front of their desired one’s parents than they are one on one.
Just some thoughts. I know you’re not extreme to the point of nonsense, Kelly, and your points here are really very good. Courtship’s just not for me. But recreational dating has never been part of my life either.
I’m somewhat amused at the man-made rift between dating and living for God, as if the two must necessarily mutually exclusive.
The logic of the anti-dating crowd goes something like this:
-Person A dated Person B
-Person A or B or both got hurt.
-Therefore, dating is bad.
Using this logic, none of us should drive a car either. After all, thousands of people are killed in accidents.
But whose fault is it, the cars or the people driving the cars in unsafe ways?
When two people date and one or both gets hurt, who’s fault is it? Did you ever consider that if you get hurt (or keep getting hurt) while dating, IT MIGHT BE YOUR OWN FAULT? Do you take responsibility for whatever is causing the problem in the first place (immaturity, lack of appropriate physical or emotional boundaries, picking unsafe people to date), or do just blame dating itself and avoid working through those issues?
Let me ask you, what is the biblical position on dating?
Answer: there is none. It’s just another activity that people do. Just like any other activity, it can be done in ways that dishonor God, but it can also be done in ways that honor God, lead to personal growth, and benefit both people involved. In other words, dating can provide opportunities to love God, love others, and be a growing, maturing person — things that the Bible DOES talk about.
I’ve had some GREAT dating experiences and God has used these in many ways: 1) To help me learn what I like and don’t like in the opposite sex, 2) to provide a context to learn sexual self-control, 3) build relationship skills. I’ve have fun and learned a lot from getting to know a variety of people — people are so different! You don’t HAVE to get hurt while dating. Did you know that? Dating relationships can be places where good things happen in both people’s souls. For example, one girl I dated is probably the most spiritual person I’ve ever met, and it was awesome being able to open up to her about my spiritual side — we had some great conversations!
Earlier this year I met a girl that I’m 95 percent sure is woman I want to marry — she’s AMAZING. But you know what? Had I not met several different girls before meeting her and gotten an idea of what I like/don’t like, I wouldn’t have been as certain as I was about Megan. Also, without the confidence and relationship skills I’d developed in previous dates, I probably wouldn’t have been able to create the gut-level attraction she needed to feel to be serious about me. She would’ve given me the “just friends” talk and I’d just be another nice guy pining away while she “waits on the Lord to provide the one He has for her.”
There are plenty of other Christians who probably had similar positive experiences with dating (It wasn’t ALL good, mind you — I’ve had a few awkward dates where it’s obvious the two of you don’t click — but I just laugh about them now and thank God for using them as learning experiences). Dating, if done well and in a God-honoring way, can be a great thing.
Let me be clear. I don’t endorse the many reckless ways that people go about dating any more than I endorse driving recklessly or drunk. Dating is an ADULT game, It should only be engaged in by two healthy, mature individuals with appropriate physical and emotional boundaries in place.
So, if you can’t handle dating in a healthy way, then don’t do it. But please, instead of shifting the blame and saying silly things like “Dating, I believe, is one of Satan’s biggest knee-slappers”, take some personal responsibility. I think the REAL “knee-slapper” for Satan is when people play the victim and avoid growth instead of working through the issues that dating exposes.
Mike,
The biggest problem with your logic, and the main point I’m addressing is that most dating begins taking place at around the age of 14. Children aren’t equipped and are certainly not thinking much about “personal growth” through their experiences.
The Bible doesn’t speak on “dating”, but has plenty to say about avoiding obvious temptations and situations that easily lead to fornication. Recreational dating is set up for those kinds of things.
That certainly doesn’t mean it CAN’T be done by a responsible person, or that every person is going to be destroyed (nor does that have to be the case to declare something off-limits for the Christian), but in general, and certainly the statistics prove it, recreational dating among young people who aren’t interested in getting married is full of trouble.
Yes, I very much agree that dating is not for children.
I’m just 12 but my parent idea of dating basicaly merge with your courting. My parents rule is no dating as a minor. No physical contact. If I’m not comfortable doing something with my future boyfriend in the church foyer than we don’t do it anywhere. As of now I am only attracted to guys with similar morals and who accually care about their esucation. I am tend to stay away from the ones who are popular. ( That probably sounded rediculous but its true). Its refreshing to find a comunity of people who encourage purity.
i’m only 17 years old and a fairly new christian and still trying to figure out my own beliefs.unlike Rach i was not raised in a strict christian family. In fact i could openly date if i wanted to. I wasn’t raised to beleive in purity until marriage. my parents taught me that if i was in a mature relationship then sex is okay. but i disagree completely with what i’ve been taught, simply because it’s against the bible and premarital sex isn’t worth the damage it causes. I only dated one guy and it was brief and ended badly. It left me feeling used, worthless, and ashamed. I didn’t even have sex with him and i was a mess. I was only fourteen, far too young to be dating; but my parents supported it and i wasn’t ready for that reponsibility. Ever since that experience iv’e been putting alot of thought into how i should to approach dating. i now believe that people should’nt date at all because i feel that it takes away from the value of the one person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with.