I was also heavily involved, and had been since I was 13 or 14 in dating relationships. I probably had what I would call 5 or 6 serious relationships, with a whole bunch of “flings” in between. All I thought about were boys from a very early age. They consumed the better part of my growing up years. I experienced heart aches so deep that I remember wanting to die.
I guess my parents, like most, felt helpless against the pressure to allow dating. I mean, it was what everyone did. How could they not allow me to? Satan’s lies and the power behind them are so strong, that Christian fathers all over the nation are wringing their hands about this gut feeling they have, and yet continue to relinquish the protection God has given them over their daughters, turning them over to be all but completely destroyed by this model of dating.
My unwed pregnancy was not the tragedy of my life, like everyone made it out to be. It never is. The tragedy was the brokenness, the violation of purity, the detachment from my family during very important years, the raping of mind, body and soul, leaving me degraded, used and with little to offer my husband in the sacred bond of marriage.
I praise Him for his grace, for His ability to soothe wounds. But God is not a magician who waves His wand and the consequences of years of disobedience and sin just vanish. That’s what I would communicate to parents. Just because it finally ends, and that child grows up and finds a mate, doesn’t mean the consequences are left at the altar. That whole “learn from your mistakes” thing is not always what it’s cracked up to be. Grace is ours, but the consequences are too.
16 comments
Indeed… very good point. Everyone knows VERY WELL what these kids are up to, but when a girl is pregnant: the shock! The horror! Now… who are you kidding? What did you expect?!
My husband and I followed a courtship model instead of tradition dating. Both of us chose this because of bad experiences with dating in the past. Luckily for both of us these were limited experiences.
For me there were only two dates. One man after the first date asked me, “So when are we going to sleep together?” I ended that right then and there. The second man and the only other “date” I ever had was this guy who on the first date was planning our life together from that moment on. That was kind of frightening and I ended that. Those dates were back in college and at that point I decided that I wouldn’t date anymore. At the time I didn’t know about courtship. When I became friends with the man who would eventually be my husband, I knew about courtship and so did he. That was the model we both followed and I’m so glad we did it that way.
Just a post script for those that don’t think courtship works for older singles. It does. I was 30 when I started my courtship with my husband.
Kelly
Wow, Kelley! Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I appreciate your honesty and forthrightness (is that a word?).
I can definitely say that dating damaged both my husband and I. I praise God because he protected me. He had chosen my husband for me and we spent many years as friends before we started dating. We met in youth group. We were both raised in Christian families. But I didn’t have a father…really, the Lord kept me safe on so many levels. I never really dated anyone else or even kissed another boy before I started dating my husband at 16. However, my husband was very experienced and had been with several girls. We’ve been married nine years and I can honestly tell you that it still bothers me to know he was with someone else (a few someone elses) and that I am not his one and only. I know he loves me deeply, but there is still that emotional baggage that I know cannot be gotten rid of or simply forgotten.
My husband’s parents strongly encouraged his dating relationships and said he needed the experiences (of course, they were all for the no sex rule, but everything else was “ok’). Its sad, that even Christians can’t see the harm it causes. I’m sure we will be the family “prudes” when it comes time for dating in our little family…lol. I’d rather be a prude and protect my children’s wellbeing and the wellbeing of their future spouses then allow them to do what we did!!
“I’d rather be a prude and protect my children’s wellbeing and the wellbeing of their future spouses then allow them to do what we did!!”
What you said there was profoundly important, and missing in most of the thinking among Christians.
Being odd, or weird, or prudish–what a small price to pay for the protection of the souls and lives of our children!
We’ve been reading at night about martyrs of the faith. Last night we read about two parents who were burned to death because they taught their children the Lord’s Prayer in English. What unbelievable wimps we are when we can’t withstand a little unpopularity for the sake of our families!
I just wanted to say, I agree with you about the intercourse before marriage thing.
I just want to say, that even if you are going through a courtship, you will have temptations! The flesh is the flesh, regardless of whether you are in a family situation or not. Always have a chaperone!
I am single, a virgin, and living with my parents. I have not gone through the experiences that these other women have, but I can assure you, that by reading the experiences, they will help me to be more discerning, and watchful. I do hope to go through a courtship, someday. I believe firmly in that, and betrothal too! You may not believe this, but I am 25 years of age, with no college degree, studying to be a homemaker, and wife, under the tutelege of my mother. I am the eldest of Nine!And love it!
God bless, and write more good articles like this!
Laura H
Laura H.
Oh I very much believe it, and praise God for it! Thank you for living out a beautiful example of graceful womanhood for others to see.
Hello, I found you by way of Anna S. I totally agree with you on the issue of dating. I have only read this post so far and look forward to reading more. I have a friend who wants her daughter to date when she is “of dating age” so that she can have experiences(not sexual, of course-this is a Christian friend). I told her that I disagreed, that the experiences do not enhance a marriage. I speak from experience unfortunately. Crazy how the world’s view is so ingrained on those of use who are not to be of the world.
I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Elise
Kelly, I finally completed and published my post about what’s a woman to do if she already had bad dating experience, realized it’s wrong, and wants to go back to the courtship model. Thank you for inspiring me!
The Courtship Song
http://www.xanga.com/Elnwood/578695484/the-courtship-song.html
This from another Fuller Seminary Blogger. It’s great! Very fun!
Just because you date doesn’t mean that you lose your virginity or become pregnant! I started dating when I was 15. I was married in 1996, and my husband and I were both virgins. So obviously I never got pregnant. You have to be careful in dating. The parents have to control what they can. But, our children are individuals. And, I don’t believe parents should shove there views down there kids throats. Just because a parent had a bad experience doesn’t mean a child will. But, this is just my opinion!
Well, Beth, you either didn’t read my posts very thoroughly, or you are just blinded to the realities that we’ve talked about here. I never said that everyone who dates ends up pregnant or loses his/her virginity.
What you obviously missed was, the violation in a dating relationship occurs long before the physical boundaries have been crossed. Pregnancy is only a minor consequence of the dating game. Emotional attachements are made in dating relationships that should only be reserved for marriage.
But even with that aside, statics show that yes, most dating teenagers lose their virginity before marriage…just because you didn’t, doesn’t make that the norm.
As for your statement “I don’t believe parents should shove their views down their kids throats”…quite frankly, such a remark makes me queasy. A believer (I don’t know if you are, but most of my commenters here are) is called to teach the commands of God to his children when they rise up, when the lie down, when they walk by the way, when they sit in their house…write them on the doorposts, bind them around your neck, etc., etc.
Pardon my paraphrase here, but that’s pretty much shoving it down their throats. And using a negative connotation like you did, does not excuse us from our VERY important job of passing on our values (i.e. what we believe is truth) and training up our children.
I STRONGLY disagree with the theory that we are to just let our CHILDREN (not adult children, mind you, but the little, growing up ones), decide for themselves in matters of principles of living, values and issues such as these we are discussing. I’ve seen parents do it, to the detriment of their children.
Where is that in the Bible???
Thanks for your opinion though…
I haven’t read your other post regarding courtship vs. dating.
I just wanted to add that I know people who have been deeply hurt by courtship. I think the emotional hurt was worse than dating because they thought they were going to be married to this person.
My husband and I dated. He was the first one I ever dated, but he dated many women looking for the right one. He never dated them long, but you have to get to know someone to know them. I guess we have both believed in dating for the purpose of marriage. We just never called it courtship. We didn’t date someone for the fun of it. I don’t know many Christians who do date for the fun of it.
Some time ago my pastor explained that if we date and have relations before marriage, we often deal with rejection, anger and other baggage. Because of the physical contact the energy (spirit) of that person stays with you.
Later on when you find the right person it may be difficult to enjoy the relationship because of the baggage from past relationships.
I believe parents can teach this understanding to their children with or without the use of religion.
Morality in terms of behavior not theology.
Georgia
Kelly
I’ve been reading your blogs for about two months now and I cannot believe the similarities between us…I tend to be pretty outspoken on things important to me and fiercely defend what I feel is right and true.. I almost fell off my chair though as you told of your first pregnancy! I was also a 19 year old christian girl who left a note for her parents to tell them of my pregnancy! That child is now 14 next month and over the last 6 months I’ve been seeking advice on how to help my teenager stay true to the Lord through these challenging years. I don’t remember how I stumbled across your page but I’m pretty sure it came up in a search I typed in for raising godly daughters. I have been so encouraged by your blogs and thank you sincerely for being my “rudder” in biblical womanhood. You’ve really helped to point me in the right direction! I just can’t attribute this all to coincidence…the Lord led me in a very timely manner to you, and through you I’ve been exposed to other women on blogger who have given me so much to chew on.
FINALLY I have found women who believe as I do!…that the bible doesn’t change as society changes. I must admit that I’ve often felt like the Lone Ranger clinging to beliefs that are now considered out dated even by many christians.
I soooo wish my parents could have taught these things to me…but thank God I’m getting it now and can pass it onto my children and hopefully they will pass it on to theirs.
I just didn’t want to let another day go by without telling you that what you are doing here matters! Please keep it up!
Brenda in Illinois
Brenda,
Wow…thanks for taking the time to write! What an encouragement!
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