Home dating/courtship No Dating? And What is Courtship?

No Dating? And What is Courtship?

by Kelly Crawford

(I don’t even like using the word “courtship” because it has evolved into so many different meanings; but for lack of a better word, and because it is still commonly referred to, I’ll use it some.)

We hold firmly to the belief that recreational dating has no value, and is, in fact, harmful to a marriage. And not only that, but it is a time-consuming, distracting activity that prevents young men and women from preparing for marriage in a practical way.

(Isn’t it funny how much time, money and energy parents put into their child’s sports “career”, and hardly any time preparing them for the far more important state of marriage?)

So we start with the idea that any pursuit of romance should involve looking for a spouse at the appropriate time.

(We don’t have marriageable children yet, so I’m not an expert on courtship:-) I can just relay what we are implementing in preparation, and what we are learning from those around us.)

We start early using terminology in our family that communicates to our children what is “normal” and what is not. The language of “boyfriend, girlfriend” is not used. They know there is a plethora of pursuits available for them in their short, single lives, and there will come a time, (with the rare exception of the call of singleness) when they will begin to pursue thoughts of marriage–“dating” isn’t even in their vocabulary.

So prior to that time, we are preparing them. That looks different for different families, but the goal is basically equipping them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually to one day have their own families.

(More on the preparation stage to come!)

As some have said, there is no formula for finding a spouse, just principles.

One principle for us is that “sons will take a wife, and daughters will be given”, as the Scripture says. (Even our own wedding ceremonies reflect that–“Who gives this woman?”)

A large element of marriage for our children involves complete trust in the Lord to guide us. As parents, we lean heavily on the belief that God is immensely involved in the details of our lives, and will bring the spouses He has ordained for our children.

Trusting in God’s sovereign direction, once a son is interested he would pursue her family; our daughters would be pursued by a man.

One main difference in this aspect of finding a spouse is the protective role the parents play, particularly the father. He will be “the gate”, to head off any young man who is obviously not a potential suitor.

How does the father know? It’s not hard to cull them out. He knows his daughter’s heart, what she basically wants and needs in a husband, and he can certainly “screen” them, thereby saving a lot of time and heartache.

He may question the young man, or may already know there are problems that make any further pursuit pointless.

This is not “arranging marriage”, by the way. It is a natural, glorious safeguard that any daughter is blessed to have.

If a young man is interested and the father sees him as a potential suitor (sometimes this involves weeks or months of spending time together and getting to know him), he would then tell the daughter about him, and ask if she is interested in getting to know him more. She may say “no”, at which point the father again does the deed of turning him away.

If she is interested in pursing things further, they begin a guarded relationship that involves mostly involvement with the family or groups of people.

Not only is this the natural way to see what a person is really like, but it provides accountability as the couple gets to know each other, and keeps them from diving into an intimate relationship too soon.

As I said, every family, every couple, and every courtship is different. It’s doesn’t always go as smoothly as everyone would like. Sometimes hearts still get involved and hurt. It is not a perfect process, but understanding the principle underneath gives us a great starting point.

In a nutshell? It’s a young person preserving all inclinations of romance until the time marriage is ready to be pursued, the parents being involved (who knows better?) praying through and protecting through the process, and then two potential mates getting to know each other through an accountable relationship of friends and family.

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13 comments

Anonymous October 27, 2008 - 1:10 pm

Kelly~
Thank you so much for this series of posts. They have been such a blessing to me. The whole concept of “courtship” is so different from anything I’ve been exposed to, but…. in my heart of hearts I know that it is right. I am the Mommy to five daughters and one son and want so much for them to have a different experience than I had. I carry many scars from not being protected and making bad decisions. Dating was just what you did.
In my church and community of friends there are only a few families who have even heard of courtship. My oldest daughter is 10 and already her peer group is “boy crazy”, it is really so sad. What are these parents thinking?
I am looking forward to more posts on preparing are young ones and also if you could please offer some advice on how to prepare our children to answer questions concerning these things.
It’s really unfortunate– my children are home educated so the people we will get the most questions from are our church family.
Thank you once again, your ministry is reaching out in ways that you probably never imagined.

Blessings!!
Shelly

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Kim M. October 27, 2008 - 1:22 pm

I am really enjoying this series. I am hoping after you have tackled all the issues to print it out and read it to my husband. We were both allowed to date as teenagers. I want something better than this for our boys.

I am looking forward to the rest! Thanks so much!

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Mrs. Lady Sofia October 27, 2008 - 3:30 pm

The first time I even heard about the method of “courtship” verse “dating” was in the book “So Much More,” by The Botkin Sisters.

In comparison with “dating,” the method of courtship is logical and keeps young people’s moral standards in tack.

I was just wondering HOW it works, exactly. Let’s say there is a couple with children who are nearing the age of marriage and they believe in pursuing courtship verses “dating.” However, they don’t belong to a church or know any group of friends who also share and believe in this practice. How should these parent’s cope?

BTW, when you are done with these articles, you could probably make another e-book out of them. I’m sure they’d be a hit seller (smiles).

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Word Warrior October 27, 2008 - 3:53 pm

Lady Sophia,

This is a common question. However, typically families who are homeschooling and/or pursing courtship, etc., naturally gravitate toward other families who are like-minded. Some have a larger community than others, but they can be found 😉

Another thing is that I’ve seen God do amazing things in courtship situations. Families who live across the country and by chance meet and find their children are perfect matches!

Often it’s a friend of a friend who notices a compatability who might bring it to the attention of the families and introduce them.

It’s actually pretty cool to watch all the different ways these families find each other–for us personaly, we have a huge “pool” to choose from…which is why I find it funny when someone hears of our plan and says, “who will your children marry–no one else thinks that way!”

Oh, but they do!

A BIG thanks on the ebook idea!!! I may do just that!

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Anonymous October 27, 2008 - 6:59 pm

My husband and I sometimes talk about this and how it will work out.

We don’t have a group of “like-minded” families close by, so, will our daughters end up marrying someone 2,000 miles away that we have happened upon in a convention, meeting, gathering, etc.?

So far, we have not been blessed with ANY families that understand the courtship thing.

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Word Warrior October 27, 2008 - 9:02 pm

Anon,

I’m sure that is frightening or at least discouraging. I would encourage you, though, to anticipate miraculous things from obedience to God. He is much bigger than our concerns–in this area and all the others 😉

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daughter of the King October 28, 2008 - 9:12 pm

I dont even remember how i found your blog, but i love reading it, you have talked about so many things pertinent to my life now.
i am almost 18 (just 2 more weeks! 🙂 and on the subject of “dating” vs “courting”, my parents and i (and my 3 older siblings) have talked a lot.
my best friend and i came up with a term to describe what we mean for what our parents have decided to use for us: applesaucing……to be honest, im not sure at all why we decided on that, but its stuck for about 2 years now. to the point, however, my parents have always told me that when a boy is interested in going on a date with me, he must ask my dad first, and whatever my dad says, goes. after all, daddy knows best! :] and to describe “applesaucing”, we would see it in Websters as :
applesaucing: noun. a stage of life, between a boy and girl, (age wise older teenager or later in years) that consists of time spent together with both families, being a part of each others lives, with the intent on both sides of future marriage as a possibility. the occasional dinner or “going out” in a public place (i.e. a restaurant, picnic at a park, etc) just together (depending on the maturity and responsibility of both boy and girl). working alongside each other to build the kingdom of Christ.
verb. to applesauce. to be in a stage of life together (read description of noun “applesaucing”).

alright, hope this was a rather humorous and slightly helpful or insightful glance into what a teenager-aiming-to-be-Godly thinks . God bless, hope u have a great rest of the week! :]

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Word Warrior October 28, 2008 - 9:24 pm

DOK,

LOL! That is great!

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Anonymous October 29, 2008 - 12:43 am

Question on the son’s pursuing and daughters being pursued, becuase I don’t think it’s Biblical…? Ruth, for example. She and Naomi concocted a plan and WORKED it,. baby. 🙂 But she was the one pursuing. And Boaz, a righteous man, seemed to think she was godly as all get out.

The Lady Wisdom was similar, actively seeking the man instead of waiting passively for him. (So much for passivity being a feminine virtue-ha).

Is there a NT based verse that led you both to believe that girls are not to go after a guy? I ask, because the idea of the males going after the females is an American cultural thing, yes, but I’m not so sure it was ever a “God” thing. In the Bible, sometimes very godly women actively go after a potential godly mate.

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Anonymous October 31, 2008 - 7:26 pm

Maybe Ruth submitted to Naomi’s guidance, her ex-mother in law, who (Naomi) submitted to the Lord. Not sure, that working it baby, was the slang they used.

Reply
» I AM in Love August 16, 2009 - 10:13 pm

[…] back I got an email asking me to talk a little about how to prepare sons for marriage using the courtship model.   We certainly have no experience yet, but we are striving to prepare our children’s […]

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» Dating, Courtship, Marriage April 25, 2010 - 4:37 pm

[…] No Dating?  And What is Courtship? […]

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