A reader mentioned that she hears a lot about preparing daughters for marriage, but not much about sons. While we haven’t yet walked through marriage We’ve walked through marriage one, and we desire, even now, to prepare both our sons and daughters for the monumental event of marriage.
I think it is worth noting, though it seems like stating the obvious, that a serious decision like marriage should warrant years of preparation. Most often in our culture, we seem to miss this. We think that kids can (and deserve) to just have fun during their teen years, with little responsibility and even less preparation for their adult lives.
Is it little wonder, then, why so many couples struggle to even stay together? Much less flourish in marriage. Good marriages don’t just happen. And as parents, we have a grave responsibility to help prepare our children for the next phase of their lives.
These are random thought my husband and I have had about how to prepare sons (and some will apply to daughters), and I’m hoping many of you will lend your thoughts and advice as well (especially if you have married children!)
- Paint the picture. We start early by talking about the concept of keeping one’s self for marriage. Nothing heavy, but even as early as 9 or 10 we are painting the picture of giving all of one’s self to a spouse. It is quite a natural thought when discussed regularly, and the idea of recreational dating becomes absurd.
- Vision. As sons get older, they need parents to lay out a vision of what is expected.
Financial responsibility is something we talk about. Sons need to enter marriage not only financially secure (i.e. at the least, providing income, preferably a nice savings and I would suggest NO debt), but also with a solid grasp of wise financial behavior. If parents helped their children with just this one thing, it would save many a heartaches in their marriages.
Spiritual leadership. A man doesn’t just become a spiritual leader once he is wed.
(I’d kindly ask that those who hold an egalitarian view of marriage save your comments. I know the arguments, the Greek definitions, the interpretations–I’ve heard every angle, so you don’t have to spend your time trying to convince me. I also know the Bible never uses the term “spiritual leader”. If it makes you feel better, believing a husband should be a spiritual leader DOES NOT imply that a wife can’t be equally knowledgeable and spiritually wise.)
Helping sons take responsibility in this area is something easily overlooked, but vitally important. Of course talking about it is one way to emphasize its importance, but getting him in the habit of leading will make the transition natural. Having him read Scripture to the family as soon as he is old enough to read is one way. As he matures later on, Dad may have him prepare and lead the family in short devotions from time to time. I think it’s important to challenge both our sons and daughters about spiritual matters by asking them questions and pressing them to “rightly divide the word of truth”.
Honor. Believing that husbands should honor their wives, we expect our sons to “practice” by honoring their mother and sisters. This is an area where I think Dad especially needs to hold the line and require it. I try to remind my boys to let the girls get out of the van first, and I try to make them alert to helping them carry things, opening doors, etc. You know, all those things that now offend many women. Chivalry is still encouraged at our house.
Example. I’m guessing the most important thing parents can do for their children in general, is to model the behavior they wish to teach. Nothing cuts deeper into my soul than those words, because I fail SO often. And yet I am reminded that “more is caught than taught”.
I’m eager to hear some of your thoughts on this…like everything else with raising children, I think it’s about being deliberate. Thinking ahead and asking the question…”what kind of husband do we want him to be?” And then gearing your thoughts and actions toward preparing him to be that husband.
