Anna S. writes…
Kelly, I would love to hear your advice for family-focused daughters who aren’t supported by their parents in their dedication to home and training to be wives and homemakers. Especially those who don’t have a father to protect and support them.
This topic is a touchy one, but I’m sure a common challenge. What do you think?
“What I would like to see discussed(as opposed to “debated” I guess) is what do you do when you have come to these convictions once you have older children in the household? My oldest two daughters are 17 and 13 and unfortunately are fairly “worldly” as opposed to my younger children. My oldest has already been accepted to a college two hours away…she is a very talented softball player and will be playing at a D1 level…something she has worked very hard to achieve. While I am very proud and happy of her accomplishments, I wish she was content to remain at home. My DH supports me being at home but wants our daughters to be able to go to college then once they are mothers themselves, stay at home. I believe that is setting them up for some major conflicts down the road. How do you change course midstream when you’ve been encouraging and supporting your child to do something that now you feel isn’t right? And what if your DH doesn’t fully support yuor position?”
Blessings, Kim
Some friends of ours are undergoing, in my opinion, a shocking and frightening experience at their church.
Our friends have chosen to keep their children with them in the worship service (as opposed to sending them to children’s church), and they have opted for their teen aged daughter not to go to youth group (a decision she is in agreement with). Most Sunday nights, they meet at a Bible Study with some other like-minded, homeschooling families rather than attend the night service.
Problem? The pastor and church leaders are irate. In fact, he has requested that they step down from their teaching a Sunday School class, and has had several meetings with them to plead that they not deprive their children. He has also expressed his displeasure at their “sin” of missing Sunday evening services. Yes, he called it sin.
The father of this family is a godly man, and the spiritual leader of his home. Despite their humble appeals and explanations about their choices, the pressure has only intensified. The pastor even recently preached a whole sermon on the sin of missing Sunday night church, and not participating in the church’s programs.
I don’t know how this strikes you, but this scares me silly. When a pastor feels the authority to usurp a father’s authority, insisting that he involve his family and children in activities that the father has chosen not to participate in, something is dreadfully wrong.
I know we’ve discussed youth group and children’s programs before, but this goes far beyond the discussion of church programs…this is the supplanting of fathers as the head of the home, the encroachment of church leaders onto the family, the uninvited arm of bureaucracy imitating government policies within the church of God.
It should be made clear, I am in favor for true, biblical church discipline–an element lacking in in most churches. But disciplining for sin, and trying to force families to participate in optional, extra activities, are on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Your thoughts?
It’s amazing the thing a mom discovers when the older children are unavailable…it was just me and the little ones yesterday, with a mountain of dishes I knew I had to tackle. Then the thought occurred to me: “What if they could do it?” So I gave ’em a shot.
And what were the littlest two doing during chore-time?
I want to raise my boys to be men. Real men. Especially now in a world where masculinity is almost vilified and gender is believed to be fluid.
As mothers, our early relationship with our boys is crucial. Later on, Dad will have more time and influence on his character, but for now, we need to understand how we can help him develop into a strong, godly man.
Understanding that a boy is a “man in the making”, goes a long way assisting us in how we should relate to him.
Don’t nag.
I struggle, as do many women, with repeating things in the way of training, to my children. This repeating has also been called “nagging”, and boys hate it. I have tried to implement a more cut and dry method with my boys, hard as it is.
That is, when I’m dealing with a character flaw, instead of lecturing him about why and how it is so bad and needs to change, I think it better to give him a simple cause and effect discipline.
For example, if his job is to take out the trash in the mornings without being told, and I’ve reminded him enough that he should be carrying this chore out by himself by now, instead of lecturing him about irresponsibility, I just tell him that because he didn’t behave responsibly, he must do an extra chore.
Defer to Dad.
Another important aspect of training boys may be deferring to their father for certain problems. Not everything can be deferred, but if a particular problem persists, often it is best to just have Dad handle it in a “manly” way.
Read the Proverbs.
I love reading Proverbs to my children and discussing its many applications to life. There is especially great counsel for young men and it makes a great springboard for opening up candid discussions with your son. Try thinking of real examples to demonstrate some of the lessons in Proverbs.
Speak carefully.
More than anything, I’ve tried to be careful how I speak to my young sons; God gave men sensitive egos. And that ego exists in a little boy just as much as it does in a man. It is very important to refrain from speaking to him in a derogatory or critical way. I have an older, very responsible girl who “sees” things that need to be done, whereas my sons aren’t always quite as perceptive. It would be easy to criticize them for this, except that they weren’t made to see things the way a girl does! Understanding that helps me to encourage his strengths while being a bit more forgiving for the things I might otherwise expect.
Our girls are also listening to the way we speak to our sons. They will imitate our attitudes. And even though we must remember that our sons are still children, and they are to have the utmost respect for their mothers, we can still speak respectfully to them (as well as our girls), without undermining our authority.
Demonstrate.
And of course, the most important thing is that he witnesses, in his own home, a mother who honors and respects her husband, and a husband who loves and cherishes his wife.
As you read these words, don’t be discouraged if you’re thinking, “Boy, I’ve got work to do!” Just because I write about the ideal home, doesn’t mean we have one.
I just want to be transparent for a minute and tell you that this subject, just like every one I write about, is one I aspire to. I write to myself as much as to anyone else. We struggle, we deal with sin and failure and disappointment, just like any family. But I hope to encourage you to keep reaching and striving, just like I am, to be the godly woman He desires us to be!
You may also enjoy reading:
Raising Men in a Man-Hating World
Part of the crew!
She’s in baby heaven!
Does it get any sweeter?
Alexa could do this all day!
Avi loves the snuggles!
A middle school in Portland, Maine passed a proposal to allow the dispension of birth control pills to kids ranging in age from 11-14 at the local Middle School.
I’m almost speechless, except it makes me so angry I cannot remain silent! Of course you know the argument…”kids are going to have sex..better that they don’t get pregnant in the process.”
Consider this quote from one of the school’s nurses:
“It will provide a means of making sure you don’t get pregnant and ruin your school career, and limit yourself in the future.”
Did you get that? Children losing their virginity, living with a complete disregard for moral purity isn’t going to affect them…isn’t going to “limit them in the future”…are you believing that?
By the way, the parents DO NOT have to be notified!!!
Amy cleverly paralleled this line of thinking: why not dispense clean hypodermic needles for those kids who are “just going to use heroin anyway”?
For an ABC debate on this issue, click the link below…prepare to be nauseated.
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=3740096&affil=katv
None of us remembers, but once there was a society of people, Christian and non-Christian alike, who would have stood at these “gates of hell” in protest for their children and the value of the family…how did we get here?
The home should be the center of productivity…
The home should be a place out of which love and service flows to our families, and to those all around us.
The home should be a place of industry, where our resources are conserved, and sometimes income generated.
The home should be a place of security, comfort and beauty to our husbands, children and guests.
The home should be a place where mom is at the center, helping her husband fulfill their family vision, nurturing her children, being there to meet their daily needs, learning and educating herself to better meet the demands of her role.
“Remember that your little toddler will grow up! And your involvement and work in his little life now will have profound implications on the man he will become!”
This last post in the series will discuss the practical ways in which a mother must train her children, both in character and in the daily responsibilities of home. Of course the father has a vital role in this also, but since mom is usually the one spending the most time with them, much of this task falls on her.
In my opinion, the neglect of the early training of children accounts for one of the main reasons our youth culture is in such a mess; consequently, too, why there is whole wave of adults in a mess, and therefore a large number of families in a mess.
The importance of training children has been so underestimated, that parents don’t really give it much thought. As long as their little ones are being taken care of during the day, they deem it sufficient. What a tragedy!
Our little ones are being molded and shaped daily, into what they will become as adults. To neglect this crucial time of shaping, is to cast aside their importance, and to abdicate our biblical responsibilities. We will be held accountable for the time and energy we devoted to training our children! Remember that your little toddler will grow up! And your involvement and work in his little life now will have profound implications on the man he will become!
So what does it look like, on a daily basis? The first thing to remember is that even the youngest of children are soaking in behavior, learning from us and from their surroundings how to respond, react, and engage in the affairs of life.
This list could go on for pages….but I’ll stop here. Feel free to add to the list.
As we look back over this series, it becomes clear that being a keeper at home is a FULL time job! It involves all our energy, time and effort. If we grasp the vastness of our role, the implications of our efforts, then it completely changes our outlook on what the world deems boring and unimportant.
It should be obvious that the world’s view of motherhood is upside down; isn’t it clever of Satan to get to the source of human development and create a breach between mother and child?
I challenge and encourage you to review your role in a new light…ask God for guidance and strength for the task before you. Let’s build godly homes to be beacons of light…let’s be wives who are crowns to our husbands…let’s raise children who will change the world for God…let’s be women of humility and valor, leading a new generation of younger women to embrace their callings!
“I like to call my role as a homemaker a “profession”, in that I consider it worthy of educating myself to the fullest extent in order to be efficient in my job.”
Another misconception people have about stay-at-home moms is their perceived lack of intelligence or abilities. Again, such lies perpetuated by the feminist movement! After all, if we can paint the keeper at home to be dim-witted, we produce one more reason for her to flee away to the university and “do something meaningful with her life”.
In addition to all the practical things we’ve already addressed that the homemaker can learn to do, we must know that she has the opportunity that far surpasses the working woman to pursue intellectual things.
I like to call my role as a homemaker a “profession”, in that I consider it worthy of educating myself to the fullest extent in order to be efficient in my job. If I consider being a keeper at home one of the most important jobs on earth, then certainly I must equip myself to be the best I can be!
The Lord has given us an intellect to develop, and His Word says to “get wisdom…pursue understanding…incline ourselves to knowledge.” That knowledge begins with the fear of the Lord.
And then we ask ourselves, “What is worthy of learning?” Is a college degree the best means of attaining the needed intellect to fulfill my role?
Well, I don’t want to turn this into a debate about whether a woman should have a college degree or not. We’ve discussed that issue in and out, and talked about the slippery slope that line of thinking leads to–see the older posts for more on that subject.
But as a college graduate myself, I can heartily say that much of what I learned in college was not only a waste, but destructive. And what I did learn, I could have learned without spending nearly as much time and money as I spent!
With that said, I love the education I am receiving alongside my children. I know not everyone of you homeschools; but I will tell you that nothing could afford you a better education than exploring the world around you with your children! It is such a myth that you have to be an expert in a subject before you can teach your children! How silly…pick up a book and start learning together! Visit museums; watch an educational video; invite people over for dinner and ask them questions; there are hundreds of ways to learn that beat sitting in a classroom listening to the drone of an “expert” all day!
In addition to the education you will naturally receive if you homeschool your children, purpose to learn things specific to your calling.
Yes, the homemaker has the freedom to attain the richest and fullest of educations…what a blessing!
As Part 1 explained, being a keeper at home does involve some plain, ordinary work, just like any other job does. And viewing that working through the light of the Christian duty, we find a wealth of opportunities to serve our families. But that is only a part of what being a keeper at home is…there is so much more, although the “so much more” has been lost!
The picture of staying home is so marred by feminists influences, that most women truly don’t understand the plethora of activities, opportunities and freedoms that belong to a true keeper at home. I believe if it ever got out, women would come home in droves!
Homemakers have been painted to be bored, incapable of real achievement, and even enslaved in their homes. Enslaved? As opposed to the woman who must be at work at the time prescribed by another, spend her whole day doing work prescribed by another, taking breaks and lunch only when allowed by another, always enslaved to the demands of another?
Feminists lies! Home brings freedom to a woman…freedom to thrive as God intended her.
In a nutshell, home once was, and I believe should still be, a center of productivity. In essence, we should be making stuff–all kinds of stuff! One of the greatest fulfillments belonging to a person, particularly a woman, is that of creation. For when we create, we reflect the image of our Creator, and that reflection points the world to Him.
“For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and godhead, so that they are without excuse…” Romans 1:25
We are part of “the things that are made”…we are a walking illustration to the world of the power and attributes of our Creator!
And before you wave your arms in protest saying, “But I’m not creative, or crafty, or whatever…stick with me.
When home is the center of productivity, and can only be such when someone is present at its center, the mandates of Scripture are naturally fulfilled. Husbands have complete helpmeets, children can be nurtured in the Lord, widows can be visited, the afflicted can be relieved…so many things that we are seeing neglected in this culture.
The Proverbs 31 woman gives us a clear picture of the productive home. Was she bored? Was she incapable? Was she dull-minded? Was she weak? NO WAY!
So, what does a productive home look like? I can only offer a glimpse, because your gifts and talents will vary from another’s, and there is too vast array of activities to mention. But depending on your strengths and interests, it could include a number of the things below:
(BTW, we need to “bridge the gap” in a generation where so many homemaking skills have been lost. If you do not sew, learn how! If you cannot cook, learn how! Do it for your family, and especially do it for your daughters so that they might far surpass our efforts!)
Do you get the picture?
PLEASE do not feel overwhelmed by this post. Understand that you may do only one of these things a week, or a month. You may start with one thing and add to it. You may be in a busy, difficult season of life, where the only thing you may find time to do is turn on some soft music. If so, then just turn on some soft music!
Do what you can, when you can. Relax, enjoy, learn, add, and pray for ways to be productive. We were wired to find our fulfillment in creativity, and beauty. Start looking for the simple ways to bring delight to your family. Don’t let it be a burden. And as you thrive, your family will thrive. And that joy will shine as a testimony to the world!
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