“What I would like to see discussed(as opposed to “debated” I guess) is what do you do when you have come to these convictions once you have older children in the household? My oldest two daughters are 17 and 13 and unfortunately are fairly “worldly” as opposed to my younger children. My oldest has already been accepted to a college two hours away…she is a very talented softball player and will be playing at a D1 level…something she has worked very hard to achieve. While I am very proud and happy of her accomplishments, I wish she was content to remain at home. My DH supports me being at home but wants our daughters to be able to go to college then once they are mothers themselves, stay at home. I believe that is setting them up for some major conflicts down the road. How do you change course midstream when you’ve been encouraging and supporting your child to do something that now you feel isn’t right? And what if your DH doesn’t fully support yuor position?”
Blessings, Kim
12 comments
Kim:
be encouraged!
i think it’s fantastic that your daughter is going away to college & to play softball! my college experience was one of the best experiences of my life. i didn’t get defiled by the world, lose my morals, or leave my faith. in fact, i served the Lord at my secular university—attended Bible studies, met other Christians, preached the gospel.
and fell in love with my husband. we are now expecting our 4th & 5th children.
college isn’t all doom n’ gloom n’ defilement.
it’s a wonderful opportunity!
Kim,
Elizabeth knows that she and I have very differing views on “the college thing”…even though both of us graduated from college 🙂
I do think you are right in that for many women, it is difficult to change your direction mid-stream. There are always examples of women who faired well, kept their faith intact, and had a good college experience, just like there are examples of children from broken homes who came out remarkably well-adjusted. The end never justifies the means.
However, you face a unique situation, since your husband and daughter don’t necessarily share your heart about these things.
Obviously, your husband’s leadership is what matters at this point, and you are still called to respect and honor his position.
In my opinion though, (and it is only my opinion, other readers may, and are free to check me on this), it would be acceptable to appeal to him about your concerns, and ask him to agree to “investigate” the issue more closely. (I’m guessing there are more considerations with your older children than just college.)
There are so many great books, articles, and info. you could provide for him.
And then as he considers those resources, your strongest ally is prayer…trusting God to do what needs to be done in his heart.
And as far as your older children go, I think the most important factor in helping them be content with choices that seem odd to our culture, is exposing them to other people who have made similar choices. It’s positive peer pressure, really.
I know for our family, because our closest friends share many of our convictions and life-choices, my children don’t feel like we do anything weird or different.
If at all possible, get to know other families who are like-minded. And keep your relationship with your children as close as possible during the process.
Those may not be the best suggestions in the world…perhaps some of our other readers have gone through your experience and can better share their wisdom.
Kelly, I agree with Kim: it doesn’t make sense to send young women, in the most crucial stage when they pass into adulthood, to secular colleges which don’t uphold values of marriage, motherhood and homemaking, if that’s indeed the vision! It’s very difficult to make a switch once you get married. *But*, of course I also believe she should trust her husband’s leadership (while it’s possible to prayerfully introduce her concerns), talk to her daughters, love them, and above all, pray, pray, pray.
Thank you all for your kind words of wisdom…this has been weighing heavily on my heart for awhile now. I will continue to pray about this and trust the Lord to do what he sees fit. Blessings, Kim
I’m noticing that a lot of ladies get this modesty conviction thing when they are old and don’t look good any more. IMO not very many ladies who are very good-looking have this conviction and they get it later when their looks are worn out and they look bad. Then they want everyone else to cover up and it’s kind of an equalizer thing.
Maybe your dh and girls think it’s like that. You don’t work so you don’t want any other lady to do that because it makes you look bad, maybe that’s what they’re thinking. I hope you guys can come to an agreement soon.
Anon,
I think you have a sheltered view of this topic…most ladies who have “this modesty thing” as you call it, are modest because they believe the Bible commands it. Most all of the women I know who are concerned with modest are young and attractive.
Same thing for working outside the home…most women who believe staying at home is their God-given calling are not after other women to do so because of jealousy. They simply desire other women (especially their daughters) to experience the joy and peace that comes from pursuing God’s best for them.
Your assessment of why women do such things is a very short-sighted, shallow one.
It would be pathetic indeed if our desire for Biblical modesty and femininity were as selfish as Anonymous suggests!
I have also heard the argument that women who prefer modesty must have been molested as children, because modesty isn’t a natural state.
I have known women, old and young, fat and thin, pretty and not-so-pretty, molested and not molested, who have desired and practiced modesty, and I look up to each and every one of them for modeling the standard for Godly women!
I had no idea conversations like this were even happening.
I am a modest (young and attractive), happy, god-fearing, well-college-educated (secular and non), full-time homemaker with full husband support and two lovely boys in diapers whom I hope find wives who will be homemakers, too.
I feel that my college education has better equipped me to be a homemaker. It has trained me for excellent communication with my husband. It has trained me to read and exegete the Bible. It has equipped me to educate my children myself in history and philosophy and math and science. I could go on. I LOVED my college (www.gutenbergcollege.edu).
Perhaps my school and life experience was unique, but I think I would have been (and would probably still be) a disaster had I gone straight from home with parents to wife. Unless we have been brought up our whole lives under a mother who trained us to be homemakers, I think it could be setting your daughter up for failure to try to accomplish it all now that she is grown. My mom sent me out the door telling me she had failed me because I didn’t know how to cook or sew. Now I do it all, and far better than the last 2 generations of women in my family!
Kim: I think you should point your daughter in the right direction and then set an example she can come back to.
Marianne,
Actually, there are A LOT of conversations “like this” going on (I’m assuming you’re referring to the debate about girls pursing a college degree/career, etc.?)
And it’s not just a flighty, off-the-cuff idea…but rather, a serious issue that women are beginning to carefully research, consider, and re-think their positions on.
With that said, of course there are many women who went off to college, loved their experience, received their degrees, came back home and love it, and consider themselves the better for it.
But I can assure you, those women are rare. (You can look at some of our previous debates about college and career to see why I think so–and I am, by the way, a college graduate as well, something of which I do not boast.)
Just one point that the other debates covered that I think so many women are missing…College is not the only place (and in my opinion, not nearly the best place), to receive an excellent education.
Women can obtain a much more well-rounded education, for a lot less money, and avoid all the potential dangers and temptations a secular university presents.
Why gamble losing a daughter’s heart, among many other things, compromising a more superior education, and risking that she embrace the feminist culture colleges promote, when there are so many superior opportunities for her? It just doesn’t make sense!
We’re so brainwashed!
Word Warrior –
Thanks for your response. I meant that I didn’t know there was a movement against feminism (which I am also against).
I guess my point with the college question, is that there are quality colleges out there (mine was not even accredited…but I desired the education and mentorship, not the degree) where a parent can stay involved and use it to further their children’s education and training.
This seems like a good option for those, like Kim, who are late in the game of training their daughters.
I understand the fear of secular institutions influences…but I don’t understand a fear of education itself.
Perhaps I will have to read a little more of your site to figure out exactly where you are coming from.
Thanks for clarifying!
I’m short on time today, but I thought you may find some interesting discussion on this topic at
http://www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com/artman/publish/
We love to debate these things here…iron sharpens iron!
Hi Kim,
I am late on this post and I have never commented on Kelly’s blog before but I wanted to drop in and encourage you in this area.
I am a homeschool graduate who has an undergrad degree from a secular university. My dad encouraged me to pursue a higher education for many reasons and because of his support I have achieved a lot of professional success. But the one thing that he did that set him apart from other Fathers is continually encourage my ultimate goal to be a Godly wife and mother. On my 2nd date with my future husband I told him I planned on being a stay at home mom. I had him come to family dinner with me so that he would see the type of family that I eventually wanted to have and by my mom’s example, the kind of wife I wanted to be. Even though I have an education and a career my desire to serve my husband and my home have always been my true calling.
I truly believe that you can instill these desires in your young children no matter what choice they make on higher education. One thing that will help to do so is for them to see you enjoying your job and to hear your husband praising you for serving your family.
In Him,
Kyla