I want to raise my boys to be men. Real men. Especially now in a world where masculinity is almost vilified and gender is believed to be fluid.
As mothers, our early relationship with our boys is crucial. Later on, Dad will have more time and influence on his character, but for now, we need to understand how we can help him develop into a strong, godly man.
Understanding that a boy is a “man in the making”, goes a long way assisting us in how we should relate to him.
Don’t nag.
I struggle, as do many women, with repeating things in the way of training, to my children. This repeating has also been called “nagging”, and boys hate it. I have tried to implement a more cut and dry method with my boys, hard as it is.
That is, when I’m dealing with a character flaw, instead of lecturing him about why and how it is so bad and needs to change, I think it better to give him a simple cause and effect discipline.
For example, if his job is to take out the trash in the mornings without being told, and I’ve reminded him enough that he should be carrying this chore out by himself by now, instead of lecturing him about irresponsibility, I just tell him that because he didn’t behave responsibly, he must do an extra chore.
Defer to Dad.
Another important aspect of training boys may be deferring to their father for certain problems. Not everything can be deferred, but if a particular problem persists, often it is best to just have Dad handle it in a “manly” way.
Read the Proverbs.
I love reading Proverbs to my children and discussing its many applications to life. There is especially great counsel for young men and it makes a great springboard for opening up candid discussions with your son. Try thinking of real examples to demonstrate some of the lessons in Proverbs.
Speak carefully.
More than anything, I’ve tried to be careful how I speak to my young sons; God gave men sensitive egos. And that ego exists in a little boy just as much as it does in a man. It is very important to refrain from speaking to him in a derogatory or critical way. I have an older, very responsible girl who “sees” things that need to be done, whereas my sons aren’t always quite as perceptive. It would be easy to criticize them for this, except that they weren’t made to see things the way a girl does! Understanding that helps me to encourage his strengths while being a bit more forgiving for the things I might otherwise expect.
Our girls are also listening to the way we speak to our sons. They will imitate our attitudes. And even though we must remember that our sons are still children, and they are to have the utmost respect for their mothers, we can still speak respectfully to them (as well as our girls), without undermining our authority.
Demonstrate.
And of course, the most important thing is that he witnesses, in his own home, a mother who honors and respects her husband, and a husband who loves and cherishes his wife.
As you read these words, don’t be discouraged if you’re thinking, “Boy, I’ve got work to do!” Just because I write about the ideal home, doesn’t mean we have one.
I just want to be transparent for a minute and tell you that this subject, just like every one I write about, is one I aspire to. I write to myself as much as to anyone else. We struggle, we deal with sin and failure and disappointment, just like any family. But I hope to encourage you to keep reaching and striving, just like I am, to be the godly woman He desires us to be!
You may also enjoy reading:
Raising Men in a Man-Hating World
23 comments
Thank you so much for this article. I’m not sure if I have a little boy yet (although I’ll probably find out later this week!), but your points are something I took careful note of! Honestly, some of it was even good for me to hear so that I view and treat my husband better. I have to admit I get frustrated with him sometimes for things he is not meant to “excel” at.
I agree. I’m currently a relief teacher (and unmarried with no kids) and I always ask boys to hold open doors for the class and to carry things for me. I give girls roles like mother hen (making sure we have everyone) and checking that the classroom is tidy.
It’s always great to see how proud those little boys are to hold the doors open for me an the rest of their class.
Now that you mention it, I never thought of my Mom’s reminders to do what I was told to do (and forgot to do) as nagging. I just saw it as she knew I didn’t do it in an appropriate time frame, and she reminded me. I always heard boys complaining of their nagging mother, and didn’t get it.
This makes sense. I will HAVE to keep this in mind if I ever have boys (I am printing it off for my HMB!)
Thank you again, Kelly!
Very good post. As a mom of two boys (4 and 5), I can already attest to the things you have said!
These are things that my husband and I have purposed to do with our little boy. Thank you so much for this post, all that you have written is so true and inspiring!
Thank you for writing this, Kelly. If God ever blesses me with sons, I will do my best to train them early in masculine leadership.
Wow Kelly, This is so big for me since I only have boys right now. I have never heard it “put” that way. Especially about the nagging and I feel like this post has helped me so much already!
Hi Kelly. I have really been struggling with a family issue and would very much like your advice and some guidance. We have been raising our children in a homeschooling environment for 3 years now. Many of the bad things they learned in public school have faded away as they have been under our guidance instead of the guidance of thier peers. My 14 year old can be rebellious at times.. always requesting to go back to public school. In public school he was failing and was a class clown type. He thought it was all great fun. Our 15 year old son has no desire to set foot in public school again. He was being bullied and that was the first step that brought us to the decision to homeschool.
Anyway, the question I am struggling with and pondering is more about family influences, not school. I am confident in my decision to homeschool and that it is the best thing i can do for my kids. The issue lies with family members who want to keep the kids and insist that they should be able to keep the kids for a overnight visit and such instead of accepting the time when we visit them all together as family. They want time alone with the kids. I can understand wanting that time but the reason we have not allowed it is because we feel that these family members (grandparents)would be a bad influence (I’ll explain) and that our children are not discerning enough and particullarly our 14 year old son could be easily swayed at this time because he is still rebelling. One of the family members is a big feminist type, recently had an affair, and talks of unsavory subjects in front of the kids like it is no big deal. She is full of pride and tries to tell our children that they need to seek money so they can be happy like her and drive an expensive car and have a big house. I feel like our beliefs and hers are on 2 different planets. I have a hard time dealing with her when we see her as a family and I feel my children would be greatly corrupted under her influence. She does not respect our beliefs either which very much line up with what I read here. So, I could expect this person to purposefully try to influence the children to think her way b/c she tries to do it every chance she gets. I literally can’t leave the room when we visit and come back and she will be trying to influence them. She thinks her way is right and would not respect us…period.
Another grandparent wants the same and her issue is that she influences the children to think that they should be able to do whatever they want and talk back and such without discipline. She raised her youngest daughter that way and that girl talks to her mother like she is the boss instead of the mother. When we are visiting and if one of the kids mentions that they could not do something b/c they were bad then she will say “poor baby!”. Like they should never be punished and she does not require obedience from them at all. It makes my kids think they should get to do whatever they want and undermines our rules. She has intentionally broken our rules when our children did have to stay with her for a time and it did damage that has taken a long time to undo. It still seems my youngest son would rather that he had no rules or chores as a result and he resents having them. It is a long work in progress to teach him why we have these things and that they are good.
Sometimes I even wonder if I should continue the relationship with these relatives. I can talk until I am blue in the face and as gently as i try to tell them things they always try to treat it as an attack. I tell them that we do this and here is why and they see that they are doing the thing and resent what I have to say. I mean, how do we relate to them when our lives are so different. It feels like they pull us down and are constanly trying to convince us that they are okay in what they are doing because…(insert an excuse)..even though the Bible clearly teaches these things are wrong.
How would you handle the situation? This is a situation where we do not get together and are respected for our decisions whether they belive in the reasons for them or not. This is a situation of attack against our values, frequently in front of our children and I don’t want our kids to become confused by such very different world views.
For the record, neither of these people support our decision to homeschool..the old socialization and being with kids thier own age thing. They’ll say to the kids when I am happily telling them what we did with our day “but don’t you miss public school and being with all those kids your own age?” It is not a supportive remark at all. They don’t make supportive remarks, they just make it clear that they disagree. This causes so much confusion for the children.
What would you do about the pressure to let the kids stay with them alone, knowing that a refusal could spark an end to the relationship? Then they would want to know why and take offense. Would it be best to end the relationship when explaining the reasons would just result in misunderstanding and hurtful feelings and they would surely demand to know the reasons? Is it bad to have a relationship with someone who openly sins and is so of the world that they defend it to the last? I appreciate your blog so much and any advice would be a blessing.
Brittany,
Forgive me for butting in here; I know you asked this question of Kelly. This topic fires me up, and I can’t resist commenting! Feel free to take or leave anything I say here 😉
Clearly, you have your children’s best interests at heart. You were proactive in getting your children out of the public school environment, with the negative influences they were experiencing there. And you are right to now examine the influences and worldviews that they are currently being exposed to in other environments of which they are still a part, specifically with the family members you mention.
I’ll just cut to the chase now and be blunt. You are under NO OBLIGATION whatsoever to have any relationship with anyone who undermines your parental authority, relatives or not! You have explained your position, and if they refuse to respect it, and seek to undermine it, then THEY have broken fellowship with YOU! They have essentially already ended the relationship when they decided to attack your values and won’t agree to your terms for the relationship. They don’t seem to understand the concept that God gives children to their parents, and that they are out of bounds when they try to override the authority of the children’s God-given and God-honoring parents.
And as far as the relative who had the affair, I would run, not walk, away from her. I believe that would fall under the Biblical admonition to flee sexual immorality; to not only personally avoid engaging in that kind of behavior, but to also steer clear (and steer our children clear) of unrepentant fornicators.
I will say this: you can’t avoid every bad influence that is out there, and there will come a time where your children will have to learn to deal with people whose worldviews are unbiblical. However, you are in the best position to determine how to train your children to recognize unbiblical thinking, and understand when they have matured enough to avoid the pitfalls of being in association with people with wildly conflicting value systems. I would encourage you to stand on your convictions about not wanting your children in contact with such people, particularly outside of your presence, when you have reason to believe that they could be easily swayed/corrupted by those people.
God gave your children to YOU and not them! Pray for wisdom, and don’t be afraid to remove your children from their presence until such time (if ever) those relatives are cooperative with you. You owe them no explanation, either, if confrontation is not what you want.
I hope you don’t feel like I’ve bitten your head off, Brittany 😉 You’re a good mom. Keep up the good work. 🙂
Another thing I thought of, Brittany…
A close friend of mine’s parents were not at all supportive of my friend and her husband’s decision to pull their older children out of school and begin homeschooling them. There were also issues like the grandparents pulling the grandchildren aside and saying subtle things that would undermine the parents’ authority, like “What do you think of your parents’ decision to…”, and the like. This was when my friend’s children were all quite young, under the age of ten or so.
My friend loves her parents, but the ways in which they tried to influence their grandchildren were unacceptable to my friend and her husband, and she was straightforward with her parents that those kinds of actions would not be tolerated, and that her children would not be spending time alone with their grandparents under circumstances like that. My friend and her husband did not break off contact with her parents, but stated the terms under which grandparents and grandchildren could interact.
All but one of my friend’s children are now grown up, and I do not know whether the child who is still being homeschooled spends time alone with her grandparents. I do know, though, that my friend (and her youngest, I believe) go over to her parents’ house once a week to help out with various household matters. Also, my friend’s oldest child took an interest in the home business her grandparent’s had, and was active in assisting them with that in the years she lived in this area.
So that is an example where things didn’t start out too well, but the whole family was able to maintain ties, and are working together in what I believe are mutually satisfying ways for both my friend (and her family) and her parents.
I pray that your (or your husband’s) extended family will accept your terms establishing the nature of their relationship with your family, and that, like Jennifer said below, they will be willing to respect your position and leave that door to possible closeness and peaceful relationships open.
If not, that is their loss.
Hi Brittany,
Quick answer here. I agree with 6 arrows and Jennifer, and you should not feel obligated to carry on a relationship with someone who undermines your parental authority, relatives or not. I had some of the same issues with my family when my children were younger, although I don’t think they were as outspoken as you have described yours to be. Well, maybe my mother is pretty outspoken. I never let my children stay at their grandparents house overnight (my mother is a feminist with some strong opinions in other areas too), or with my divorced sister (her boyfriend lives with her).
I hate confrontation with a passion, but the interests of your children come first. Explain your position, as gently as you can, and don’t be controlled by any harsh reactions by them.
Praying for you,
Brittany–sorry to be out of the loop for a little while 😉 You have been given good advice thus far, and I would reinforce the idea that you are certainly obligated as a parent first. Also, I would recommend writing a letter to them–just because I’m a writer and that’s how I best communicate, plus it can keep tempers from flaring.
This is a VERY hard topic–family–and you want to try to preserve the relationships as much as possible, IF POSSIBLE, but you and your husband must establish boundaries that they respect. I am sorry for your struggle!
Writing a letter — that’s a great idea I didn’t think of. It gives one more time to think through what to say, without the worry of possibly giving a hasty response in the heat of the moment. A letter also provides a written record of exactly what was said, too, in case that becomes an issue in the future.
Thank you all for your comments! They are a blessing. You have helped bring some clarity to the situation and I know that the right thing is to not allow the over night stays or time solely alone with these family members. The quote from 6 arrows was exactly one of the comments made by relative #2 ‘“What do you think of your parents’ decision to…”, and the like.’ They did exactly that.
I feel that I still struggle with whether to end the relationship or not. The same relatives constantly try to get us to live thier way and pressure me to leave home and “get a job” so we can have a bigger house, etc. They can’t understand that I don’t want a bigger house or more “stuff”. I feel to explain my views such as that a mother should be at home with her kids, teaching them, respect for my spouse, not seeking after riches, pro-life beliefs, not saying bad words around the kids or talking about unsavory subjects (the last time we were with relative #1 she was laughing and joking about how she went to a nude beach and my boys did not know such things existed in the US before that), why I don’t think my kids need a cell phone ‘like other kids do’, I don’t believe in sex before marriage, etc. They believe the opposite of almost everything we hold dear. How in the world would I begin to explain how to respect us when they are on that broad path with the world and ready to take on the next thing and hey, why shouldn’t you too. Relative #1 is constantly on facebook and that is how the affair occured. He husband is 18 years older than her and is getting old and having health problems. She constantly complains that her life is boring, so she goes on facebook and looks up her ex boyfriend from high school and they start an affair. She has changed so much. I don’t really know how to relate to her anymore.
I also worry that if i maintain the relationship, that they will use thier influence once the children are out driving or are on thier own (I can picture it “come by and see me and don’t worry, we won’t even tell your mama about it”) to get them to visit her then. I know I can’t protect them forever but doesn’t maintaining a relationship and keeping the children involved with someone like this open a door for the person to influence them later, as soon as they are old enough that I can’t guide them into good relationships or say ‘no’ anymore? Wouldn’t it be bad to keep them and ourselves in a relationship with such openly unrepenting, unrespectful, and sinful influences. If I broke ties now then they would not be waiting in the wings to have thier say on my children when they leave the nest. I just wonder that it would be better to maintain good relationships and relationships with like-minded christians than to have this bombardment against our values. I just don’t see these people who laugh at our values ever being a good thing for our family.
Sorry to ramble but I do seek opinions of like-minded christians in this matter as I have struggled with it for some time. Any supportive verses to look up and ponder would also be appreciated. With the new year I am thinking it over and you know, I was thinking on the same things last year at this time, about the same people. When I look back I do not see where these relationships have brought anything postive to my family and they have caused strife and anxiety for us. I will just say that I have lived a very hard life and want His peace in our lives more than anything this year.
I feel for you, Brittany. Tears sprang to my eyes reading your last sentence. I will keep you in my prayers.
I do have some Bible verses for you that came to mind as I read your above comment (and reread the one you posted yesterday). Sorry that this may be a sort of random, haphazard arrangement that intersperses thoughts you shared with some scriptures I thought of.
Toward the end of your January 1 comment, you mentioned possible decisions you might make that could cause your relatives to take offense. That word “offense” brought to mind how Christ, in the scriptures, is referred to as a “rock of offence”.
Unto you therefore which believe he is precious: but unto them which be disobedient, the stone which the builders disallowed, the same is made the head of the corner, And a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offence, even to them which stumble at the word, being disobedient: whereunto also they were appointed. I Peter 2:7-8.
Let me gently say, Brittany, don’t worry about any offense your relatives may take when you act on your Biblical convictions. As followers of Christ, it is safe to say that those convictions as played out in front of the world will cause some people to view us as stumbling blocks and rocks of offense as they attempt to live out their worldly pleasures.
Another thing you said (asked, rather) toward the end of your yesterday’s comment was this: “Is it bad to have a relationship with someone who openly sins and is so of the world that they defend it to the last?”
Yes, I believe it is. A person who openly sins and defends it is a fool, and the Bible (especially in Proverbs) is full of references to fools and foolish behavior. One verse that readily comes to mind is this one:
He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Proverbs 13:20
The second half of that verse is a strong warning to all of us to be careful of the types of relationships in which we engage. What constitutes companionship? And will we be able to recognize when we may have stepped over a line into an area where our “companion”‘s sin doesn’t seem so blaring anymore? If we as adults need to be alert to the danger of companionship with fools, (and we do — this is not a verse referring only to the young), then how much more do we need to act on behalf of our children who are not discerning enough to recognize a dangerous alliance?
Okay, now to address a few of your thoughts in your above (January 2) post 😉
You spoke of your concerns regarding the future, when your children are old enough to drive, or be on their own. Brittany, I think every parent worries a little about how their children will carry on relationships when they have reached those milestones 😉 Whether or not your children have maintained a relationship with those relatives during their growing-up years, I think there is still the possibility (especially if the children live in close proximity to said relatives after they’ve left home) that they could be in contact with them.
You can allay some of the fears you might have now about their future relationships by being diligent to teach your children about Biblical principles regarding relationships. Read the Proverbs often, but the whole bible, too, throughout their growing-up years! Use the examples of people you know to illustrate what living according to (or contrary to) scriptural precepts looks like, and the dangers associated with deviating from scriptural paths.
That can be a tough one, though, to point out other people’s sins as an example of how not to live without it turning into nothing more than gossip if we’ve decided to make an example of someone at every opportunity. However, if we do it with a heart solely intent on teaching our children and not merely denigrating another human’s poor example, I don’t think it’s out of line biblically. The Bible is full of examples, both good and evil, of how people lived. Plus, remember this verse:
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness. II Timothy 3:16
Finally, Brittany, give your worries about your children’s futures and everything else to God.
Which of you by taking thought [worrying] can add one cubit unto his stature?…But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:27, 33-34
One more? 😉 This passage has brought me much comfort in times that I have been worried, especially about my children. I hope it blesses you as much as it does me:
But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:26-27
Kelly may be more help, Brittany, but I’ll mention my thoughts: I don’t think there’s much else to do at this point but tactfully tell them the truth. You’ve already tried being gentle (without mentioning the overnight issue), and they’ve responded with manipulative aggression. These are your kids and they’ll just have to accept that your rules go; the decision whether or not to continue acting like big toddlers themselves will be up to them.
Oh and I don’t recommend you end the relationship; I think that’s too big a step, and unnecessary in any case. Partly because their response will determine things anyway: either they’ll throw a hissy fit and rebuff you, or eventually come to respect your position and enact peace. Better to be honest and leave the option of closeness open; then they’ll choose whether to slam or open the door wider themselves.
Much calmer response than mine! 😉
(My January 1 response above.) 🙂
Yours was good too! Thanks 🙂
I cannot seem to get my reply to go through. 🙁
Brittany,
6 arrows response was Beautiful and full of good wisdom! I would also just like to add that my family has been exactly where you are right now. We now have four adult children in their 20’s and two teens.
We had to deal with the same issues.It is never easy. For us..it was easier to have these family members to our house.That at times can be difficult also because of the way they act and things they say.
Our kids..mostly the older ones can remember the absolutely ridiculous things.We really learned some lessons and the three younger ones have not been subjected to much of the nonsense!
One of the things we would do would be to meet in a public place like a restraunt for dinner so we could all see each other. We would try(my husband and I) ourselves close to these relatives so we could respond if something was said. This was all when they were much younger.
Protect them at all costs when they are younger.Keep teaching them diligently.I also worried about the access they would have to these relatives when they got older and could drive. They don’t have a real close relationship with the ones who have caused the most problems because they have Seen the Problems themselves now as adults and they don’t want to be a part of it.
This doesn’t mean that they don’t love them or care..It’s almost just like an understanding.
It is Never easy..Especially when it is a parent(one of ours)and a grandparent to our children. We did not invite his mom to our house on Christmas Eve because of what happened last year. When he and I discussed who we were having over..Every Christmas Eve..we usually have the parents that are here and friends who have no where to go over..My mother inlaw has some major bitterness issues and last year got very uncomfortable and then afterwards she made a bunch of phone calls about us and we were like What?? She did ask for forgiveness and I forgave her but she is always yelling at my husband for something and we just won’t have that in our home anymore. Our kids understand now.
For many years I thought I just had to “Put up with it” to honor her.
I finally realized that I didn’t have to do that anymore and just let my husband deal with it. We don’t speak bad about her around the house and when the younger kids ask..which isn’t often..We just tell them the truth without bashing her. I hope this helps!!
Thanks, Keri.