If you’ll excuse a little transparent/humor relief on my end…
Do you ever just feel sorry for your husband? For weeks you’re the chipper little thing he married (maybe 😉 And then one day…
He walks in from work and you’re irritated. It takes him a little while to notice because when he asked, “What’s wrong?” You said, “Nothing.” But he does eventually realize you lied.
You know why you’re upset, but he doesn’t know why. (I may embarrass myself here revealing I’m the only female disposed to this ailment.)
Because the thing is, you were fine when he left work. So you watch his face while his brain searches frantically for the “what did I do?” (Everything would be fine if he would only learn to read my mind.)
(It’s usually something like, you’re having a really bad day and when he calls home at lunch and asks “You having a good day?” you reply with all the pity you can muster, “Yeah…*heavy sigh* ” And he says, “Great. Love you honey–talk to you later.” By the time he gets home you’ve mentally checked off all the different ways he’s not “in tune” to your feelings, and this just tops it off. He probably doesn’t love you anymore.)
At the moment, it’s big. You feel justified. You pull the “hurt” card. And by the time you finish explaining his lack of sensitivity, you sound pretty convincing.
He’s shocked that you actually convinced him that he has done something he had no idea he did. And now it seems real to him, though he’s puzzled about how it all happened so quickly, right under his nose and he missed it.
So he apologizes, because really, he just loves you and wants you to be happy.
Later, when you’ve come to yourself again, you shake you head in disbelief that this man loves you day in and day out. And actually seems to forget these escapades! And then you apologize, though it requires you to tear down that beautiful sob story that became so real.
I don’t know. Let’s see…we struggle through PMS, we waddle through pregnancy (I am pathetic right now), pain through childbirth, we suffer through menopause–yeah, it must be God’s way of balancing it all out.
Bless them, those dear husbands of ours.
50 comments
this made me laugh way too hard… because this is so me!!! I hate my flesh. It has the ability to make a big mountain out of a little molehill. Isn’t it just like our sinful nature and the enemy to keep us distracted from that eternal perspective my spirit longs for?! love this blog Kelly. I can’t wait to read it to my poor husband :0)
YOU can read my mind, so I didn’t think it would be too much to expect my husband to. 😛
Thanks for a chuckle, and the reminder to at least keep my expectations clear.
~Erin
I can definitely relate! Bless them indeed!
My husband loved this.He thinks we might be related.
I knew it! You DO look through my windows from time to time! LOL. I’m so glad mine loves me and lays down his life for my moods!
I never act like this. And by “never”, I mean at least once a month 😉
I suffer from the same malady! 😉 Hilarious!
I cannot believe he puts up with me.
A blessed wife,
Jen in OK
this is sweet… my marriage sadly just went south, but i think i’ve learned my lessons. i pray i have.
Mrs. Hester you are doing so much better than me. I was going to say “never” but that means at least once a week!!! LOL!!!
This situation described is totally hypothetical, right?
I can relate to this post 100%. I don’t know how he (my husband) stands it. I even ask him periodically, “How can you stand me?” His reply, “It’s because I love you.” Wow! I think I need to be taking lessons from my husband’s kindness and patience.
Isn’t is amazing how we can feel so secure in our husbands love and then “wham” the next day we can be convinced he never really cared to start with. I can’t wait to get to heaven and all these hormones will be balanced ALL the time!
Mrs. Lady Sofia!! **Please excuse the interruption, ladies, but this is an emergency!**
Mrs. Lady Sofia! Will you please email me again? I got both the emails you sent out last time regarding your new email but…they are no more. I think I deleted them unintentionally! I’m so sorry!! I hope you come back and see this, lol. Dingbat extraordinaire, I am.
Ahh, that’s great. I wonder why women do that?
Actually, for me, many times, I DON’T know what is wrong. The fact that my husband continues to pester me about it gets beyond irritating. If I don’t know, I don’t know, leave it alone already!
And, I’m glad your husband never acts unloving. I must be in a very small minority. Maybe your husband never tells you for weeks that he’ll do something the next day, never to do it even though it’s important. And don’t give me the junk that he has “more important priorities”. Computer games aren’t really an important priority. And maybe yours never promises to do something and then “changes his mind” because he “doesn’t feel like it anymore”. Maybe your husband has solid reasons for why he makes decision rather than “I feel like it”.
That’s probably why people like you don’t understand the situation…maybe your husband really is perfect and you as the woman are always at fault. But, I have a feeling it’s not always that way for you either.
My greatest frustration with all this patriarchial stuff (I believe a wife is to submit to her husband etc) is that basically they tell you that if the marriage has any kind of problem, it’s the woman’s fault, because the godly and wonderful man could never be.
Mrs. W.,
I feel for your as I see that your are hurting. No, my husband is not perfect–neither of us are anywhere even CLOSE.
You said,
“My greatest frustration with all this patriarchial stuff…is that they tell you that if the marriage has any kind of problem, it’s the woman’s fault, because the godly and wonderful man could never be.”
I think it’s important to distinguish between what some may think is “patriarchal stuff” and what God’s Word says about marriage. I don’t hold to any “stuff”…only what I read from Scripture about how God designed marriage.
That being said, then, I would hope no one with a biblical view of marriage ever said “it’s all the woman’s fault”. I think one major thing lacking in the church is the accurate teaching of biblical marriage and the responsibilities of both wives and husbands.
We both have an important role to play, but quite honestly, I think the heaviest part fall on the husband, and very few are really being taught how to “lay down their lives”.
By the same token, women who have been indoctrinated so long by feminist teaching think they can act any way they please and husbands should just give them what they want. (I’m not saying this is your case, I’m just addressing your general concern with what you perceive women are being told.)
It’s not me against him, or vice versa. When both of us truly seek to understand how God designed marriage, when the church is teaching it appropriately, it begins to unfold into a beautiful thing.
I will pray that your husband is able to get the godly encouragement that he needs, and that in the mean time he would give you grace to “win him without a word”.
*God* would give you grace
Mrs. W,
I’ve had a post brewing for some time about distinguishing between “man-made patriarchy” and biblical marriage…if I write it, can I quote from your comment? It demonstrates a common plight I hear a lot.
Sure you can quote from the comment if you want to.
My husband and I had some marriage counseling from my church. My pastor would admit my husband did things wrong, and then basically say that he only did those things because I “wasn’t submissive enough”. He gave me a copy of the doormat manual uh I mean “Created to be His Help Meet”. My husband HATED it with a passion when I tried to live out the messed up stuff in that book.
I absolutely believe in submission, but I don’t believe it means that my husband can ignore my intelligence in making a decision just because he “feels like it” or “doesn’t feel like it”.
In our church, the women are preached at all the time about how to be submissive etc, yet we have not once heard a message about how a man is supposed to love his wife…no, they are taught to “be men” and “stand up to those rebellious women”.
I wrote a really long comment and it doesn’t appear to have gone through. Oh well so be it. Quote from the comment if you want to, I don’t mind.
I am still confused about many of these issues and am searching. I have been hurt a lot (not necessarily by my husband) over a lot of these kinds of teachings.
Right now I don’t feel free. The Bible says that when we know the truth, the truth will make us free. That’s what I’m aiming for. I’m not trying to be cantankerous or anything. I’m just searching.
Mrs. W.
I don’t know how old you and your husband are or how long you have been married, but some of the things you said about your husband reminded me of mine….3 years ago. Things are much different in our house now. Nowhere near perfect, but much, much better. My husband still does selfish, immature and irresponsible things. The difference between now and then is that I would make such a BIG deal about each one, that he would become more stubborn and set on his own way.
I have that book you were talking about and even I think it is a bit over the top, but the attitude that is promoted is biblical and is actually helpful.
There are a few other books you might want to read. One is the “excellent wife” by Martha Peace and another, if you can find it, is “Total Woman” by Mirabelle Morgan. The excellent wife is a bible study and Total Woman is just a really good book that had me in stitches, but still helped me see the way I was acting. I changed myself, not to change him, but to please God. A very pleasant effect of that was that he changed the way he acted also.
I will pray for you, because I know how frustrating and lonely it can be when your husband is acting this way.
Leslie
Leslie and Mrs. W.
I second those books Leslie mentioned–especially Total Womanhood–which had a huge impact on my thinking toward marriage even before I was married.
Leslie, you made an excellent point…our attittude MUST be on pleasing God…then letting Him work out others’ (our husbands) problems.
I am going through “The Excellent Wife” at the moment. But honestly, I get so frustrated…I have tried so hard to be the right kind of wife and my husband hasn’t liked anything I’ve done. I also wonder why women are degraded and then told that we have to change first otherwise the men never will. That confuses me. By the way I’m in my early 20’s and pregnant, the pregnancy sometimes affects the way I feel lol. Third trimester during summer in the south…ugh…but having said that, the problems are very real. There’s not much I can do though coz my husband thinks there is nothing wrong.
Stuff like his mom can fuss and whine at us for HOURS to do something her way (she almost sabotaged my first home birth because she was telling my husband not to let me do it coz it was dangerous. God intervened on that one to the point where my husband let me do it because he was mad at my OB doctor lol…hey whatever works). The Bible says I have to submit to my husband, not my husband’s MOTHER. Anyhow, that’s not really the point. She can fuss and whine for HOURS till we do something her way, and if I say something in private to my husband about it, he thinks I’m being mean and his mom is just “being herself”. She’s even lied about me and apparently that is “just being herself” too.
BUT…if I have to remind him to do something that he’s forgotten…even if I only remind him once, I’m a nagging and manipulative woman. If I point out that his mom nags him incessantly, I get the “she’s just being herself but you are nagging and manipulative” speech.
So basically, it’s ok for everyone else’s wife to manipulate him, but I as HIS wife aren’t allowed to remind him of something he forgot?
Anyway I have trouble dealing with stuff like that, ESPECIALLY while pregnant lol. (By the way, his mom will pull the “you’re not honoring me” card if she doesn’t get what she wants).
I liked the Martha Peace book a lot too, and it was very helpful. But really, this is not the place to seek advice, even if it is anonymous (we don’t know your husband’s name), is it? Kelly once said that she receives something like 200 hits a day. Even if some are “repeat customers,” that’s a lot of strangers who are getting an earful about your husband. I may not know how to help your marriage (and won’t advise further), but I can tell you how to make it worse (complain. a lot).
Sorry, that was to Mrs. w. Should have clarified.
Lori,
Just so Mrs. W knows, it’s more like 750 a day 😉
Mrs. W.
Wow, I’m sorry your mother-in-law is so troublesome. It can be difficult dealing with the in-laws (ask my husband :). It also sounds like you may need a new church, or perhaps a conversation with the pastor about your concerns.
I know at times it can feel like the women are the ones being told to change, and that if only they would do things right everything would be ok. I have a theory on that, actually two, so hold with me. First of all, I think women tend to worry or fret over the marital relationship more than men. Where a women can see problems the man may think everything is just fine. So if the woman sees a problem she may have to be the first to try and fix it (change herself) it’s hard to convince someone to change (husband) when they don’t see the problem to begin with. With time they may come around, but that’s just it, it can take time. Second, we are reading a woman’s blog, so we talk about women changing, because we can’t change our husbands (only God can). I think if we jump over to men’s blogs they may be discussing how marital relationships are up to the man to fix. They need to love their wives more, etc. I know my husband has several mentors that push his responsibility on making our relationship work well. They expect him to change (likewise, their wives counsel me to change 🙂 If it is going to work well we all need changing (by God) and since we can’t force our husbands all we can do is pray that God will do his amazing work in him.
I’ll be praying for you and your husband, and that third trimester in the southern heat! 🙂
God Bless,
Rachel
Mrs W, you are not alone; many women have experienced similar situations, and view things as you do.
Id like to be pointed to 5 or 10 of these blogs by men who instruct the men. I am serious. Perhaps it would shine a light somewhere where I cant understand, becasue I see it exactly as Mrs W. The books in question only made me sicker and more codependent, and question my own inner voice . Disastrous.
Um,this sounds like you were spying on us in our house all last week! God helps us through the difficult communication issues when we call out to Him, though.
Lori, if my husband were on a blog talking about me trying to work things out for himself, he’d be encouraged to do it. However, if the wife does it, it’s “complaining”. This is EXACTLY the kind of double standard I’m talking about. People would be helpful to him and try to help him. Apparently the men have a right to talk about their wives in order to come up with a solution, but wives don’t have that right. Sorry but I don’t buy that.
Yes, I realize a lot of people read here.
I have seen MANY blogs written by men that talk to the women and tell women what they should be doing, and the women do it too. Not once have I EVER seen a blog by a man telling the man what he should be doing. And where are all the books for men? I haven’t seen any, but I’ve seen a bunch written by both men and women aimed at the women.
At least be consistent…
Thanks for the smile Kelly,
Hi Mrs W, You’d be surprised how many women absolutley know where you are coming from re difficult husbands. But we can only be responsible for ourselves before God. If we behave and make changes to please and glorify God then He may or may not use that to change our husbands. In heaven, none of this will concern us and that should be our goal.
Though true for some of us, I think Kelly’s post was a light hearted dig at us girls, not putting us down or shoving all the blame for marital problems on us, but joying in the wonder and frustrations of being created a woman!
Mrs. W, since I was the the one addressing you, you might as well address me and not all those other people out there in blogland. And I’ll tell you that if he were detailing your faults online then that would also be complaining. I would not condone it. So don’t worry about a double standard.
But since you asked, Doug Wilson has some great stuff for Christians, men included. I’d happily recommend anything written by either Rev. Doug or Nancy Wilson (although Nancy, being a woman, addresses women, which perhaps would not be welcome at this time). Of particular interest might be Reforming Marriage. Again, because you asked: “where are all the books for men?”
As far as we readers are concerned, Prov 18:17 applies: “The first to plead his case seems right,Until another comes and examines him.” We only have the first’s (your) story. And we wouldn’t have the authority over your husband and his actions anyway – unless there’s a man-lurker here anyway.
Oh, yeah, and Pastor Tommy Nelson (of Denton Bible Church) did a GREAT series on the Song of Soloman. It addresses men and women both in a no-holds-barred sort of way. Neither source I’ve given is exclusively “for men,” but both address men’s roles specifically in manly ways, by male pastors to boot.
Ms. W, you are in my prayers. So many women are in your position, trapped between a church that tells them to be submissive and a husband who is not able to do the other part of that work. I hope you can find GOOD marital counseling that can help address your larger concerns.
I’d be careful with those books though. My dad brought my mother home “the total woman” from a retreat in the late 70’s or early 80’s.
You have to understand that they were “that couple” in their church. The ones that everyone looked up to as mentors in marriage, the ones that everyone went to when they needed support or help. Seriously, she read that book and I’ve never seen her so mad, so hurt, so offended. It put a wedge between them. They got over it, but it was a “not so funny joke” from then on.
I too worry about how the notion of biblical submission is used and abused. too many men out there are mean and non-Christian and cynical and hate women, and too many women have been socialized to think that the Jesus taught that women obey men. One of the many ways our world is broken.
Hi, I just stumbled onto this blog and read the above comments. As a young unmarried man here are some books for husbands (or future husbands) that I have read or want to read:
Federal Husband ‐ Doug Wilson
Fidelity ‐ Douglas Wilson
The Complete Husband ‐ Lou Priolo
The Exemplary Husband ‐ Stuart Scott
I also know of a couple challenging sermons directed at men, if you are interested I can email them to you. I hope it is OK for me to comment here. Blessings-
Elijah
Elijah,
Comment and recommendations warmly welcome 😉
Mrs. W.
The Exemplary Husband is a good one. My husband would never do it, but I read it. Voddie Baucham has some good sermons on biblical manhood and biblical womanhood. You can listen on Youtube or on Sermonaudio.com for free.
Sometimes I just have them on when I am doing my housework and sometimes my husband will come in and hear part of it.
Madge,
I am really surprised to hear that book made your mother so mad. It absolutely had me rolling it was so fun and lighthearted.
I will say, that I have given that book to 4 women who were having marital problems. (Every time I go to a used book store or the thrift store I look for a copy.) One of them had her husband actually leave her for another woman. When she told me should still wanted to work it out I gave her that book and it worked. It worked for 3 out of the 4 women I gave it to and it worked for me. That book was the beginning of my search for God’s way for me to act. what I found was that when I tried the things suggested in the book, even though they were all counterintuitive, my relationship changed. I wondered what else had I been missing out on because I was living a life based on a secular world view. Everything I knew before then came from my mother and she did not set a good example of an excellent wife and does not have a solid biblical world view.
Sorry this is so long. I tend to ramble sometimes. 🙂
I had a difficult marriage my first year. Then I began practicing the total woman stuff, you know, submission in all things, joyfully. Like Debi Pearl would later write about. My marriage became great.
Only…it wasn’t. My husband got more and more perfectionistic and controlling. OCD, they call it now. And I continued submitting to it, sending him the message that all was well, he’d get what he wanted by being a tyrant. Never asked me to sin. Just wanted to control any and everything—what drive way I was allowed to turn down, what books I was allowed to read. Wanted me to keep track of what the kids ate, down to the brand name and/or the amount, and that kind of stuff. Nothing “abusive.” Control isn’t abusive if you read Debi Pearl’s books—it’s called “Command Man.”
*sigh*
So basically I aided and abetted a mad man who DESPERATELY needed a healthy helpmate to tell him to knock that garbage off and get some help. He needed a strong helper who would stand up to him and tell him that was no way to treat anyone, much less a wife.
But I read all the books, I sought help from my church, and all we got was the gender role answer: he’s supposed to be a leader, you’re supposed to be a follower. Oh, and since he’s a bad leader, you get the joy of learning to suffer for Christ.
And I’m thinking, “HOW does this glorify God? Letting an abusive leader continue to be an abusive leader brings glory to God HOW…?”
There is nothing Biblical about taking advice given to women who were pretty much *owned* and twisting it into a thing that says husband are leaders when the Bible never even says that. We should stick to Scripture? Yes, I agree. And Scripture does not call husbands leaders of their wives. Scripture does not call husbands spiritual leaders.
I’ve read all the books here. They were all abuse manuals for me. They all helped me shut off my eyes to what was going on and they helped my husband, already a control freak, get much much much much much worse.
Yeah, the books “work.” They “work” because you shut off your brain and just do whatever he wants with a smile. That takes care of conflict and problems, but, you see, it actually doesn’t. Those of us who are married to men who lean towards abusive behavior are STILL stuck with a man who leans towards abusive behavior, only now there’s no stop sign up, no negative repercussions for it. You just smile joyfully and give him what he wants. And this means you don’t learn how to work through your conflicts in healthy ADULT ways. You just stuff them all down. And this means he doesn’t learn that his behavior is NOT Christ-like.
This does not glorify God. This does not glorify God at all. God is not on the side of abuse, He just is not.
Mom of Many – we are to be our husband’s help meet (“meet” means well-chosen/appropriate for those who find that word too archaic). A good helper will give good, godly counsel. That’s part of the job description. But the counselor is not the king. That’s all we’re saying.
Think: Sapphira could perhaps have saved her husband’s life (or at least her own) if she had counseled him to be truthful in his dealings with the church (Acts 5). Abigail did save her husband’s life (and probably her own) by sharing food with David and his men, after they had protected them “in the wilderness” and her husband had denied them either payment or kindness (1 Sam 25). She addressed his cheating without telling him (v. 17). So if your husband is sinning, we see evidence for taking measures even beyond prayer (though we must start there). Not “just smile joyfully and give him what he wants.” Of course, a wise woman will pick her “battles” (so to speak) wisely.
Esther saved a whole race of people by obeying her patriarch, Mordecai, and going to the king’s men for appraisal as potential wife (she went to the house of concubines!). But also by drawing her husband’s attention to a certain lapse in information orchestrated by Haman. She didn’t just smile and nod. SHE was a help-meet.
Mom of many,
I think that in your case, maybe your husband needed professional help. People who are truly OCD can’t help it. I don’t think that in general, we can not submit because our husband is a jerk. I only have sons, but if I did have daughters this would be a major issue in DECIDING who she would marry. The problems with marrying someone who doesn’t understand biblical headship are so many.
I don’t know if you meant that all women who submit are not acting in a healthy adult way or not. I also don’t know if I think it is biblical for the wife to be the “negative repercussion” for a husband’s misbehavior. In looking at biblical submission, there is a such think as being able to appeal. The issue is the attitude with which the wife appeals.
I realize that there are abusive husbands, but I think we still have an obligation to obey God in how we handle it. Martha Peace writes “We need to learn to communicate biblically, overcome evil with good, make a biblical appeal, give biblical reproof, learn to biblically respond to foolish demands, learn to seek Godly counsel, learn to biblically follow the steps of church discipline, and learn to biblically involve governing authorities.” This does not paint a picture of a wife who just smiles joyfully and give him what he wants. It shows me that as a sister in Christ, I have BIBLICAL means to help him with his behavior, if it is indeed not biblical.
I agree with you that God is not on the side of abuse. He also is not on the side of disobedience. So, we need to be REALLY careful about how we counsel younger women and make sure that it is biblical counsel. Two verses that may apply to biblical counsel-
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Matthew 5:19
Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.
I realize I don’t understand the details of every single woman’s situation. I have found in my own life the even though it may appear to be the hard way, God’s way has always been best for me, even though sometimes it was my last resort instead of my first choice. 🙂
I’ve been struggling with this lately, as well, and I have some slight perspective to share, as I can see a light at the end of the tunnel! (We’ve been married nearly 4 years, expecting our second child in october/november, in our mid-20s). Things VERY similar to the things described here, in-law issues, respect issues, we share different “love languages”.
Things that helped us:
the movie “Fireproof” – watch it together, get double copies of the book, “The Love Dare” – work through it together. Marriage is a two-way street, and the book speaks to both husband and wife. I think the combination helps open both partners eyes a bit to the mindset of thinking of the other person more.
Going to a couples/young adults bible study TOGETHER. We both were/are in need of spiritual growth, and doing it together gave us opportunity to speak about it together afterward.
For me: remembering that honoring his parents is the same thing, in a way, as honoring HIM. He loves his Mom (I struggle to by the power of the Spirit!!) she raised him, and I do try not to complain about her to him very as much. She does some things that to me are disrespectful, infuriating, but I try to remember to pray for her first…and believe it or not, it has helped greatly. We are not yet friends, but not quite so much enemies, either!
Also – yes, you must honor your husband, and not nag him. The bible also says that if your brother sins against you, go show him his fault, just the two of you. If my husband does something that really bothers me, I (as respectfully as i can) will tell him that what he did/said/didn’t do hurt me, and why. Usually, he has no clue that something was a problem for me (except for the fact that I’m crying!) and while it isn’t in his nature to be all that emotionally supportive it has improved as the years go by.
If you are just really steaming at him, ask him to pray out loud WITH you. It always surprises me to listen to my husband pray for our marriage, and softens my heart to him, and asking God to get involved seems to help matter.
Now, our relationship isn’t perfect by any means, and I doubt it ever will be (we’re living in a sinful world!) but it has improved as we both grow spiritually. We allow the outside things (family, friends, circumstances) to shake us much less, and are able to take strength from God and each other.
Hope this helps somewhat.
Mom of Many, I can relate to you. I read Debi Pearl’s doormat manual, the church gave it to me. Note though that they didn’t give ANYTHING to my husband to read, even though they admitted he was acting unloving. I was told that if I would just be “more submissive” he would be “more loving”. But the ball was in my court.
Oh and the stereotyping of the three kinds of men…that is trash…even my husband said so. In fact, my husband hated the book as much as I did and said it was trash and if it didn’t belong to the church he’d burn it. “Command Man” is really just an excuse for bullying, pure and simple. Mike Pearl sounds like he’s a bully. That doesn’t surprise me since he bullies children too (see, “To Train Up a Child”).
By the way, I have been told by people in churches (pastors) that I as a woman am called to submit to ALL men (this pastor wanted me to serve in nursery and I said no coz we don’t believe in having nurseries, and so he told my husband and my husband told him I could do what I want, so he told me it was my responsibility as a woman to submit to all men). I know of a young teen girl that was raped by family members and others, and when she want to her pastor to get help was told that it was not wrong that she was raped and that she needed to just “submit” to her father and to the other men doing this to her because that was her role in life. That’s where this kind of thinking gets you.
The Scriptures say that a wife is to be submissive to her husband. Absolutely. But it cannot work like it should UNLESS the man is also loving his wife properly.
I started to be submissive in Debi Pearl style (doormat alert!) and my husband HATED it and weeks later started yelling at me and asking me what on earth I’d been doing because he hated who I’d become. So I broke down and told him and he got so mad that I ever took that book to heart. It was given to me by our pastor who we both trust! Why wouldn’t I take it to heart? After all, I’d just gotten saved.
That book was THE most damaging thing to our marriage yet. We still haven’t fully recovered.
I found out that “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn was a MUCH better choice.
Mrs. W.
Let me step in real quick here and ask that our conversation be a little less accusatory/slanderous. We can express that a book didn’t help us without constantly insulting the authors and using such slanderous language.
I want to have this discussion in the spirit of love, from everyone’s end, please. If not, I’ll have to start deleting comments.
Then, you mentioned the girl getting raped and her pastor telling her to submit???…that story is so off the charts from what we’re talking about and it is WRONG to say that “biblical teaching of submission leads to such atrocity”. That’s insane and it is blasphemous to suggest it. Such talk is what makes people shun the Bible as truth.
Now, again, I’m very sorry for any suffering you are enduring in your marriage. I think there are recourses you can take with godly counseling, etc. However, the truth remains….it’s much like the command to “not commit adultery”. Many husbands are unloving and cold leaving a lonely, sad wife. Does that negate the commands of Scripture for her to be faithful to him? No. As unfair as it may feel, SHE is still obligated to God for her obedience. It’s no different from any other Scriptural command.
This is so hard…even good men can be a big pain sometimes can’t they – if they would only follow our perfect example, right? 🙂 And Mrs W, bless your heart, I would have to say having been there, done that, that in the best of circumstances you are at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to wrestling with this issue. I say this with only empathy, not judgement. Pregnancy is funny – I either lived on the verge of tuning everything out, or EVERYTHING was giant ball of disaster.
One of the best things I read advised was to maybe rethink the complaining about your husband in an open forum. Kelly has provided us with a very safe place to discuss the struggles and joys of Christian family life, but I think the feathers in the wind rule still applies. And again, from personal experience, speaking ill of your husband will haunt your family later in life – like when you’re old and 35 🙂 – in ways that will likely only be known only to you – spare yourself the guilt and the hassle. Do what you can to avoid it at all costs. (this is NOT a suggestion to stifle reports of actual abuse, which is both un-Godly and criminal.)
The best advice I’ve ever gotten with regard to this matter is “worry about what YOU’RE doing, and not about what everybody else is doing” – there is virtually no person, even the most stubborn and immature of husbands, who isn’t affected positively by witnessing a Godly example. And you’ll be so busy doing what you’re supposed to, including fun things, by the way, that you’ll be surprised by how little time you have to be aggravated by what other people aren’t doing. And try to keep in mind that people have different learning curves, spiritually and practically. Children are most certainly in need of our correction outside our example, but it’s still the best way for even our youngest to learn.
I’m going know to pick up socks and underwear off the bathroom floor now – and remind myself of my own fabulous advice! Pray for me!
Mrs. W,
If what you said is really going on in your church (rape of a girl etc), get out. It is not teaching Biblical submission, but a perverted idea of it. Please don’t fault God’s word (or Kelly for that matter, who quotes from scripture) for the false teaching of the men in this church.
God Bless,
Rachel
Never said it was going on in my church. I said A church.
On the subject of the Pearl’s book, which I don’t see as particularly edifying nor positively instructive, does have a useful statement from Mr. Pearl….and I’m paraphrasing – no man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to become a better husband.
I think that applies to most people and most criticism – especially when it is heaped on outside the spirit of teaching, but rather with the intent to demean (and controlling IS demeaning, make no mistake).
And sorry for the non-edit of my last comment – it barely made sense. A lot of good peace and quiet does me…apparently I need chaos to function.
Mrs. W,
Sorry I misunderstood. But my point does not change. Just because some churches, men, or pastors have a FALSE view of submission does not mean we can ignore what GOD says about it. I think I speak for many of the women on this blog when I say I follow God’s word and HIS word alone. I am not a part of a “movement” or “group” that pushes anything. I am a child of God and wish to obey HIM alone. I believe this is all this post was about: doing our part, doing what God asks regardless of the outcome or what someone else is doing or not doing.
Forget about some book that wasn’t helpful to you, forget about false teaching you have received from some people, and ask God to lead you and guide you through your marriage. It may take a long time and you may not even “see” the results of your obedience, but remember GOD is GOD and we are not. His ways are not our ways, but His ways are ALWAYS right.
Blessing,
Rachel
The Cottage Child (above) wrote “…no man has ever crawled out from under his wife’s criticism to become a better husband.”
🙂 My pastor says to couples, “Disapproval is the worst motivator.”
I know I am late in this, but I have been out of country. But, Mrs W, if your husband is as you have claimed, his dissapproval of a book and who you have become because of it may be the book’s best “thumbs up,” so to speak. One of the things in this post’s commentary that I failed to see relies on the verse “we fight not against flesh and blood but against spirits and principalities…” our battle is never against our husbands. It is against our flesh first (and the spiritual influences over it) and our husband’s flesh second (and the spiritual influences over it). If your husband has taken a principle of the Bible and perverted it, the odds are good he is not operating under God or in obedience to God. THAT would be why he would “hate” the behavior you showed trying to model the books suggestions. I have not read the book, or desire to, because, like Kelly (WW), I get my information from the Bible and God’s Spirit. Did that sentence have enough commas in it? But that being said, the dissaproval of a book by a person perverting God’s word is not a compelling reason to NOT read and gleen information/advice from it. I know someone (whom I love sooo soo much) in a situation not unlike the one you speak….I am not unempathetic. But God’s word is God’s word. There is no grey. Perversion of His “good, pleasing, and perfect will” cannot lead to the abandonment of it—even if it causes emotional neglect of a wife’s heart. For this time, I would suggest to ask God to be your husband first…then allow your earthly husband to be your husband second. It has worked for 2 women I know. I am crying for you now and will be praying for you for weeks and months to come.