Kelly Crawford

Monday mornings are a part of life that tests who we really are…and I’m not always impressed.
If I could just wake up expecting the bowl of milk or the glass of juice to be knocked off in the floor…
If I could just prepare for 4 different voices calling “Mama” during the clean-up…

She also found my lipstick…not sure it’s her color though.

I loved Ted Tripp’s book Shepherding a Child’s Heart, because he brought to light the truth that every misbehavior is a heart issue. We can deal with the behavior itself, but if we don’t deal with it in a way that trains the heart, we are only rearing “white washed tombs”.

That is why I’ve spent so much time talking about the foundation of sibling relationships. But when we start addressing specific occurrences, we will still need to discern what is going on at the heart level, most of the time.

When a two year old whines and cries for having something taken from him, he is doing what comes naturally–displaying a lack of self-control. It is our job to build that into him.

When a child is a “me-first” monster, he is also doing what comes naturally–being selfish.

There’s a delicate line to be drawn here…much of the natural man takes a work of the Holy Spirit to break. And yet, much of behavior and character can be shaped by habit. Ideally, we train the habits that will “meet” the Holy Spirit’s work in the lives of our children.

Let’s address a “me-first” attitude. I don’t know a family who doesn’t deal with this, because, really, we are all “me-monsters”!

• Because we teach basic biblical principles like “let each esteem others better than themselves”, we simply do a lot of reminding in addressing wrong attitudes. Beyond reminding, we usually give the child the opposite of the thing he is coveting. If he’s always wanting the toy first, we remind him of what the Bible says (the above verse, or “if any wants to be first he must become last”, etc.) and then explain that someone else gets it first because he demanded it.

• Another way to deal with selfishness is to require an act of service for each selfish act–and better if the service can be directed to the other party involved. Requiring service teaches in a tangible way, what the Lord requires of us, but it also allows the child to see what a blessing it can be to serve. It can be making a bed, doing another’s chore, or creating something special for the other. Always require the opposite of the undesired behavior.

Of course discretion must always be used in determining if the heart is really struggling with selfishness, in order to determine the severity of the training session. A reminder may be all that’s needed.

A good way to tell? How does the child respond to your suggestion? If he pouts, his heart needs some additional training. (A private talk? Prayer? Scripture? Or just time to let him talk to you.) At the point a child’s behavior becomes defiance and disobedience, it is a spanking.

We really do have to balance discerning the motives of their hearts and deciding what level of training is needed. This isn’t easy stuff! We must beg God for wisdom at every turn!

In addition to giving them the opposite of what they want, and reminding them why, I find it very helpful to constantly read stories about children who chose to do the right thing. Usually you have to dig for the older, out of print books to find the good ones, and if any of you have any good suggestions, please let us know!

My favorites are:

Biographies of some of our great founding fathers

Ten Boys Who Didn’t Give In by Irene Howat

Moral Lessons of Yesteryear by A.L. Byers and Little Bear Wheeler

Grace and Truth Books

By the way, I wanted to mention a book we are reading as a family (my oldest has read it too)…Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends. This book is so excellent! Written by a group of siblings, it is fun and inspiring to my children because it meets them where they are. Filled with humorous stories and heart-warming anecdotes, it also provides really practical “how to’s” for siblings trying to improve relationships.

Highly recommended by The Crawfords! P.S. If your family has read it, drop a comment!

“I probably attribute this little “trick” to much of the harmony (when it’s present!) in our home.”

I think of training behavior in my children as weeding a garden; careful and constant attention must be given to bad habits, or it can quickly be taken over with “weeds”. So it is with their behavior toward each other. I really try to address every offense in some way.

In general, when children speak unkindly (raise a voice, use a harsh tone, etc.), if they are still fairly young I verbally address it. “Susie, you may not speak that way to your brother–it is unkind. You say, “Johnny, will you please let me have my doll?”

Sometimes, particularly if a child is struggling in an area, I will pull him aside and give a gentle reminder from Scripture. I feel it’s very important, whether it’s said every time or not, that our children ultimately know that we speak kindly because it is part of obeying the “neighbor” commandment of Scripture.

Any other motivation for behavior is hollow, and can lead to pride or hypocrisy. It is always “back to the Bible” for the reason we practice certain behaviors.

As they become older, I may spank for overt unkindness.

One of the things I believe has been most successful for me as I strive to help them develop habits of kindness, is verbal recognition. What I mean is, speaking to them and about them the way I want them to be.

For example:

Periodically, if I catch a child doing something for another–and it may not be big, mind you–it doesn’t matter, I may stop and say something like:

“Brooks, do you know what a blessed little boy you are to have Avi for a sister? (Avi is present while I’m speaking.) She just gave you her toy without being told, all because she loves you. I think that was a very unselfish thing–Avi, I am so proud to see you treating you brother the way you want to be treated. Did you know that’s EXACTLY what Jesus tells us to do?” (I speak about the details of the action, to reinforce what it is that’s “so great” about the child’s actions.)

Sometimes I really get carried away with this! I probably attribute this little “trick” to much of the harmony (when it’s present!) in our home. I do the same thing for the older ones, only make it age-appropriate.

Another note that’s kind of random…I expect different levels of achievement according to my child’s ages. I try to be a bit more long suffering with a two-year old who is still learning how to verbalize her frustration, helping her replace wrong behavior with the correct one.

Now there are times when I may handle disagreement with a hands-off approach. That is, if two are arguing over which toy or object they want, I tell them they must come to an agreement on their own or they both lose the privilege of that item. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I do know we must balance “addressing every situation” with allowing them to work some things out. The important thing, even when you allow them to work on their own, is that they are honoring one another.

HONOR–that’s another word we use a lot. So much that we laugh now sometimes when the 4-year old says, “Mom, he is not honoring to me.”

I may talk a bit more about honor later, but it’s a good word to study and use in relating to each other as family members.

Remember the goal: we want to demonstrate the same kind of honor toward each other that we do with those outside. Keep reminding your children of that!

If you’ve read long, you’ll know how dearly I cling to the importance of memorizing Scripture. (So much so, that I recorded a Scripture CD with fairly long passages to make memorizing a little easier.)

Perhaps it is because of the passages I was required to memorize as a child at school, and how immeasurably they have ministered to my heart throughout life. Or just the comfort I find when my heart is disturbed, and the Lord brings just the right Word from the storehouse of memory.

So I was thrilled when I saw the chance to participate in Ann Kroeker’s Mega Memory Month. She challenges us to stretch our minds, enrich our hearts, and set about memorizing something MEGA.

I have chosen Psalm 119:33-48. This Psalm is so full of wisdom and heart-counsel!

I encourage you to take part in this with your children as well; it makes an excellent activity to go along with the “Relationship Series” I’m doing over the next few days.

Ann Voskamp has, yet again, written a beautifully inspiring post about Scripture memory. Be sure to read it!

“It was this… intention that made the primitive Christians such eminent instances of piety….

And if you will here stop and ask yourself why you are not pious as the primitive Christians were, your own heart will tell you that it is neither through ignorance nor inability, but purely because you never thoroughly intended it.”

~ William Law, A Serious Call to a Devout and Holy Life

I’m not exactly into “tagging” or “twittering” (I’m sure that’s not what it’s called, as I’m not even sure of what it means 😉 but a playful game is fun every now and then! So, Larlee, thank you!

First the rules, then the tagged blogs, and then 6 random things about myself.

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag sixish people at the end of your post.
5. Let each person know he or she has been tagged.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Tagged blogs:

Heart of a Southerner

Teaching Good Things

Just a Family

Kim M.

Clothed With Scarlet

First Daughter

In Other Words

(I’m no good at this tagged thing, so please don’t get your feelings hurt because I didn’t pick your blog! 😉

6 Random Things About Myself

Most of us cringe at these questions; because sibling rivalry is most definitely a reality. But it’s what we do with it that matters. “Kids will be kids”…is not the mantra for followers of Christ!