An email I received said:
“Dear Kelly,
I am so confused. There seem to be so many beliefs about marriage and roles and one group villainizes another group for their stance, and vice versa. I’m particularly confused about what is called “patriarchy.” I thought that was another term for what the Bible taught about husbands and wives, but many Christians I know, who I agree with on things, are denouncing it. What do you believe?”
Frankly, I’ve been confused too. For years I would have agreed with this person about patriarchy. I wrote a post about it (which I have since taken down because the word itself evokes so much vitriol and I didn’t care for the keyword search attention it brought). In that post, I said that I believed in patriarchy, provided that patriarchy is the same definition as I find in the Bible about marital roles.
To quote one of my favorite movies, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” And I have come to understand that words change meanings over time and we can’t define our terms with them anymore. As such, I am not a proponent of patriarchy because it doesn’t mean what I believe.
To use an example, it would be useless for me to say, “I support being gay” if I meant that I support being “happy.” It wouldn’t matter what I meant by the word anymore.
The thing that made me realize I don’t subscribe to the word and therefore have to ditch it, is seeing other people (who don’t know me but think they do from reading my blog) describe me. They said things like, “Kelly is brainwashed, fearful and weak. She is in a cult. She can’t help it, she doesn’t know any better. She only does what she is told.”
Which is funny. Because that doesn’t describe me at all. (In a cult?! What even?) In fact, when my husband read it, he laughed. And not just chuckled. My husband has an infectious laugh so notorious among our friends, they try to catch it on video. That kind of laugh. I think I should be offended.
My detractors like to paint me as someone who is legalistic (at best), and therefore imprisoned by my own beliefs and living a sad and narrow existence. It is their grotesquely distorted descriptions of my proposed life that throws up big red flags about anything else they say. When once you see yourself being falsely maligned and defaced publicly, you aren’t prone to give their other words much credence. Just keep that in mind in this great big Internet gossip cess pool.
Here is what I believe about marriage: you can open your Bible at this point to find out. Genesis 2, Proverbs 31, 1 Corinthians, Colossians, Hebrews, Ephesians.
It’s the same thing I’ve ALWAYS believed. Wives are to submit to their husbands, but only as husbands are to love their wives as their own flesh, submitting themselves to God. Where a husband fails to do this, and exercises abusive power over the wife, she is freed by her submission to honor Christ. I don’t believe the Bible teaches a philosophy that allows women to be abused. She has, and should use her recourse of the local Body.
Admittedly, I’m married to a fabulous man. Not every woman is. My hearty embrace of what Scripture teaches is very easy because of my husband. He is a servant. That’s what real leaders are. There isn’t contention. We are a team and he prioritizes me above everything. His having a leadership role that God has given him doesn’t diminish me or remove my right to speak up about things, disagree with him or offer counsel. It only makes him more careful and tender.
And about women, roles, daughters and careers: from Scripture I see that a woman’s first calling and priority is her home and family. (Proverbs 31, 1 Timothy, Titus 2)
I do not think it’s a sin for a woman to work outside the home or attend college. (I have many close friends and daughters who do these things.) I do think it can easily become a snare, especially in our day, given the emphasis put on career and lack of it devoted to the role of women at home. Also, it’s difficult to shift gears once a couple is accustomed to living with two full time incomes and they are receiving little, if any, encouragement for her to make family her first job. I know, I’ve been there.
I certainly support women (young and old) working to help with the income, especially if that job helps them keep their families a priority, instead of enslaving them to a schedule they can’t control. It is getting increasingly difficult for a family to survive without multiple incomes, but I don’t think that fact negates our first duty to the calling on our lives. I offer caveats that I believe line up with Scripture’s emphasis on women helping their husbands, raising their children, keeping their homes and ministering to the community.
Where Scripture is silent, we cannot erect commands. Where Scripture speaks, we must apply it to our lives as clearly as we know how, submitting to the authority of Christ above all.
I hope this is helpful to others who may be confused.
20 comments
Oh, Kelly, don’t even defend yourself against that slanderous silliness. Nobody believes it but the poor people whose lives are so dull they have nothing better to talk about than strangers on the internet. Those people wouldn’t know a cult from a hole in the ground. I have another friend about whom they (bet it’s even the same “they”) said the exact same thing. And at least one blogger said the same about me, which is cute, because my husband took years longer to come around on a lot of those issues than I did. Got it all out if my own Bible. We worked it all out for ourselves, though not without much study and questioning. And the Church we attend is definitely on the non-patriarchal side. So much for brain washing. 😉
Thank you, Cindy. There seems to be a dearth of discernment when it comes to reading online. Many prefer the fray.
Good explanations but why on earth would you promote the “Unmarried Movie”? Especially since so many of those who are behind it are into the Patriarch stuff? Will wait for your answer..
Keri,
I promote the Unmarried movie because it confronts a problem: marriage being treated like a curse, couples being encouraged to not get married, and men not encouraged to grow up.
Some of the men you mention have spoken clearly about what they believe in regard to patriarchy. Doug Wilson, for example, denounces any attempt for a man to use Scripture as an excuse to wield improper authority in his home. He believes, by his own admission, what the Bible teaches about marriage; nothing less, nothing more. Which is exactly what I believe. I think many people have used the term “patriarchy”, as I did, referring to what the Bible teaches. (Some concordances list the definition of patriarch as simply, “the head of a family” which is what the Bible teaches.) So we have this dichotomy: “patriarchy” to some people means the belief from Scripture that the husband is the head of the home with proper, limited authority, as I explained in the post. To others, “patriarchy” means all kinds of twisted and distorted things, giving men absolute power, robbing women of a voice, etc. Mainly I think patriarchy slipped into its warped definition not by those who tried to teach it, but by sinful men who abused it.
That’s why I felt the need to clarify.
Somewhere along the line I had picked up the idea that a married woman or a mother working outside the home was sinning because she was blaspheming the Word of God, not being a “keeper of the home.” (As if “keeper” was defined as one who doesn’t ever work outside the home.) It wasn’t while I was a school teacher in the early years of my marriage and parenthood, though, that I thought it was sinful for me to be working outside the home, but sometime after I had been home a while.
Interestingly, it was after a conversation with my adult daughter a couple years ago that I started to see the Titus passage in a different light. Our talk encouraged me to dig deeper into the Scripture, and in doing so, I came to conclude that “keeper of the home” isn’t synonymous with “never works outside the home.” I see it as effectively managing the home, “[looking] well to the ways of her household,” to quote from Proverbs, guarding her domain and her family well.
In that light, either a wife or mother who works outside the home, or even one who is at home full time, could be blaspheming the Word, if she is letting other things take priority over her primary calling. Conversely, either of those women (working outside the home or not) could indeed be keeping her home and managing her family well, though obviously it is harder to do that the more one leaves the home for outside pursuits.
I think your second-to-last paragraph is spot on and an excellent concluding word: “Where Scripture is silent, we cannot erect commands. Where Scripture speaks, we must apply it to our lives as clearly as we know how, submitting to the authority of Christ above all.”
Amen. Great post, Kelly.
Thank you, C.
I agree with this post as far as it goes. And it was probably not the place to really address this, but often the local church does not deal with the abuse. If a husband is breaking the law with his abuse then the civil authorities need to be involved as well. Sadly many churches seem to just defend the husband or tell the wife she is not being a submissive wife, leaving her to suffer under often severe circumstances. Not really trying to be difficult here but I am trying to address a significant problem I believe we have in the American evangelical church.
Jennifer,
Certainly civil authorities should get involved in such cases. The problem is that abuse that is emotional in nature can’t be as clearly defined and therefore won’t be handled by civil authorities. I’m sure churches, run by imperfect people have been guilty of what you describe. But I’ve also seen churches handle situations very biblically (even helping the wife leave and providing shelter, etc.) and still ended up being falsely accused of not doing so. I had a close-up experience or I wouldn’t mention that. It’s what makes this whole conversation SOOO difficult. There are some who are abused, and some who only claim to be, and few who will dare to question. The abused need to be vehemently defended and protected. Those feigning need to be held accountable for the reputations they destroy. Both kinds of abuse are equally evil, in my opinion.
I’m glad you wrote this. I think clarification is desperately needed on this subject right now. This is just the beginning of an incredibly important conversation that needs to happen in the Church of Jesus Christ. Abuse blasphemes the Word of God, and hypocrisy is revolting to the world. If we want to have a witness that shines the light of Truth in the world, we have to eradicate the abuse (ALL types) of women and children as well as its cover-up. I’m praising God that this subject is cracking wide open and spilling it’s ugly carnage all over the place for everyone to see. Once it’s out – we can cooperate with God in the cleaning up/healing process. I love you Kelly. Wish we were neighbors.
I do too. <3
Amen and amen.
(And, you think your husband is terrific, mine’s even better! :))
*like*
Thank you for writing this, Kelly. I have a wonderful husband, too. And I strongly promoted the patriarchy movement knowing what the word meant. I got uncomfortable with “what if” questions about angry, abusive, controlling husbands who got a pass because of the ‘P’ word. I always muttered something about “submit more.” I was wrong.
I think it helps to see that there are limits to all authority, in the government, the church, AND the home. We need to go back to the drawing board (aka, The Bible) to see what it really says. I agree with Natalie: this conversation needs to happen.
Blessings, Carmon
Thank you, Carmon. Absolutely.
Wonderfully put. I agree whole heartedly.
This article, by Tim Challies, is a very important one in this discussion of using discernment with the Internet. He describes exactly what happens to many leaders/bloggers, and I think some have had their reputations unfairly maligned, if not destroyed, by it. We must be a people of justice. For justice to be true, it must be just for everyone. We must defend those being sinned against while simultaneously defending those being falsely accused of sinning. We must walk carefully, with a huge dose of discernment, desperately desiring truth for everyone, in every situation.
http://www.challies.com/articles/in-the-crosshairs-of-the-discernment-bloggers
Kelly,
Thank you so much for this post! Three years ago, my husband filed for divorce and changed the locks on the house leaving my son and I homeless. Even though the marriage was abusive, I felt like a failure and tainted in the eyes of our Lord. We now make our home with my brother who is a widower. I am have become a partner in our family business but first and foremost I am the keeper of our home. My work hours are scheduled around homeschooling my son and nephew, budgeting for the home, keeping a pleasant home, and fixing healthy meals. I would give anything to have a husband who would love me like Christ loves his church. There are people at our church who said I should have stayed with my husband, covered up the bruises and remained silent.
Oh Kelly, what pain. I am so sorry. But I am happy to hear that you seem to be rising above bitterness and moving forward in a positive way for your family. And God is never finished with His work. I pray for a deep, settled peace over you.
Just want to thank you for writing about this, Kelly! You are brave, and it is important. I can only say that I followed the patriarchy “movement” (not the Biblical definition as you described above) and the leaders of it faithfully ~ to the great detriment of my marriage. I was truly crushing my marriage and family with my legalistic attempt to make them look and act like so many I followed. I spent so much more time listening to audiotapes and reading books than I spent in God’s Word, trying to get it right. I will forever live in gratitude to the Lord for setting me free from the chains I put on myself, and for preserving my marriage and my children through those years. And while I agree strongly with your point about being a people of justice, I must say that I have purposed to avoid (though definitely not malign or accuse)certain teachers/speakers/authors because they are either related (in their teaching), or have been affiliated in the past, or even because they are just related in my own mind, to those whose teaching I allowed to poison our family. I guess I am now guarded and careful. I question things that don’t come straight from God’s word, even if they come from people who love the Lord. In the end, it is not them, but I, who am responsible if I choose to spend more time under the teaching of other men and women (who appear so perfect) more than my own husband (who loves the Lord)…more than even the Lord. *ouch* For that I have been fully and freely forgiven, but by the grace of God.
Big hugs to you, Claudia. Praise God for His grace.