Home marriage The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands-Marriage-Part 1

The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands-Marriage-Part 1

by Kelly Crawford

Coincidentally, one of the reader’s comment yesterday prefaced what had been on my heart to talk about today…how (and why) to care for our husbands. I will probably do a “series” of sorts on the topic, since there is so much to talk about.

I have been reading Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands”, and although I don’t advocate everything Dr. Laura says, and though she can be quite abrasive, she is so very insightful into the issue of marriage.

Prepare yourself to hear me talk about the influence of feminism in virtually every area of our lives. Most of the things I feel strongly about and will be addressing in this blog, are issues that are strongly affected by the feminist movement. And just because you have never thought yourself to BE a feminist, don’t be fooled into thinking that we are not ALL affected by their ideologies!

I prefaced with that because if you find yourself balking at the following ideas about biblical marriage, you can be sure that inner discomfort you’re feeling comes from some of those feminist ideas that have been subtly planted. We have got to root those out, and replace them with God’s design and idea of marriage if we are to have truly joyful lives.

Being a godly wife is not something I have even come close to attaining. I readily admit that. I struggle so much in this area! I am writing as much to myself as I am to anyone else–please know that right up front. I can moan with Paul and say “That which I know to do, I do it not”!

Nevertheless, as mothers who can so easily get overwhelmed with the care and training of our children, it is paramount that we understand and keep reminding ourselves of this: OUR HUSBANDS’ NEEDS MUST COME FIRST, BEFORE THE CHILDREN, BEFORE OUR FRIENDS, OUR HOBBIES, OUR INTERESTS AND EVEN OUR EXHAUSTION!

When the Lord set up order in the family, and placed the husband as the head, he gave us one major instruction: to reverence our husbands. That word is loaded.

REVERENCE: noun: deference; profound adoring, honor
Deference means regard for another’s wishes; respect and esteem due a superior or an elder.

One of the most commong things I hear among disgruntled wives is “well, he hasn’t earned my respect. I can respect him when he acts respectable”. (I am shocked to discover how many Christian women even hold this sentiment!)

Hogwash! That is not what the Bible teaches, and it is certainly not what will make a happy marriage. I’m not saying it’s easy, but we are commanded to respect him, and his deserving is irrelevant.

The irony is that only when we respect him, is there any hope of his becoming the man God created him to be.

I’m already convicted! Here’s where the punch is: I am to honor my husband, what he does, the decisions he makes, the way he drives :-), regardless of whether I think he did it the wrong way, or could have done it a better way.

I tend to think that he is so fortunate to have a wife who can constantly improve on him. “Why, with my guidance, imagine the man he could be!”

What a horrible contrast to honor, deference, and esteem! Now of course there are proper ways to speak our opinions and wishes to our husbands. But so often it is the way we do it.

I close this blog with the simple recipe for a happy marriage, with MUCH more to come in the following days:

Admiration, Approval and Affection…these are the 3 A’s a wife must learn if she is to have a truly happy marriage.

Ponder those for a little while…do our words, our facial expressions, our “silent attitudes” tell him we APPROVE of who he is? That we ADMIRE who he is? And have we made physical touch our “love language”, even if it is not? (Hmmmmm….hard one!)

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bran June 26, 2007 - 11:47 pm

Oh one of my favorite subjects! This oughtta be fun. :)BTW, I agree wholeheartedly and am surprised this is not seen as fundamental to a happy married life. “Husband acceptance” would save a lot of hurts, not to mention worries about what he’s going to do. Instead of worrying, support (as hard as that can be)would be much more effective in creating the relationship that most would desire.

Anonymous June 27, 2007 - 6:51 am

Thanks. I’m so looking forward to reading the rest of your posts on this!

I need the reminder daily to be at my best for him, and to put myself aside. Love reciprocates. The harder WE try, the more may be given back. Of course, some situations are more difficult than others. Still, if we try our best, we can say with confidence that we have done all we can… I think this is what God wants, for us to try our best. –And we need to encourage one another to do it right! Thanks, W.W.!


Daisy March 12, 2011 - 2:49 pm

I love this.
I am always telling my hubby what position he needs to get or what school he should go to.
Then he’ll come back at me with “why do you keep telling me what to do, DO I TELL YOU WHAT TO DO?!”

What he said is so true. Albeit, I am a stay home mother, but rarely does he tell me what to do with my time nor does he question me. Doesn’t tell me what to cook, what I need to clean, etc. He just trusts that I do my part responsibly with no questions.

Maria April 4, 2012 - 2:13 pm

Hello. I have a question. Just what does “respect” look like in real life when the husband will often say/do things that are clearly unbiblical?

Example: my husband once boldly told a story about how he adviced a co-worker to fraud assurance and to lie to his boss, in order not get in trouble for a situation this guy was in due to his own carelessness. Shall I not tell my children that frauding assurance and lying is wrong? But they just heard their father advocating it?!?! Should I applaud my husband and ”way-to-go-him”? Or just point out how nice of him it was to try to help the other person? I know he did this out of sympathy for the other guy (the poor man was now afraid of losing his job) and I can see that this is ”nice” of my husband….but is it not more important to be just? And to stress that though we emphatize with the man, it is important to own up to ones actions? Is what my husband did ”loving” (seeing that he was not seeking personal profit, but did want to ”help” the other) so his motive wasn’t selfish – but does that make the act ok? Was he showing ”love” and I’m just being legalist? Please tell me if you have some input on this! I am at a complete loss as for how to act in these situations!

This is just one example out of many that I am constantly faced with. My husband is not a Christian and thinks that I am way too “hung-up” on these things 😉

Irene May 21, 2012 - 6:19 am

Please how come you don’t write much about single ladies who are getting ready to marry.. Please I request you publish writings on relationship, courtship, etc… before marriage.. I believe many more young ladies would be blessed to learn from your insight and inspiration..Thank you


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