I’ll be honest…my heart breaks for the women who have to ask this question, and I’m not sure I have many answers. But this blog receives quite a bit of traffic, and just maybe, in God’s providence, this is a place where desperate questions of the heart can meet answers from those who have walked the same path.
I believe few things to be of more importance than a praying wife. Really, probably most of us don’t pray enough. But the wife of an unbeliever must rely so much more heavily on the Spirit in order to maintain peace and contentment. “The fervent prayers of the righteous availeth much.”
May Lemke, the mother of the severely handicapped child in the book “May’s Boy”, said of her son’s miracle…”I bugged God all my life…I guess He finally gave in.”
This may not be accurate theology, but she emphasized how she prayed fervently for what she wanted and refused to give up until her prayers were answered. I think there is a lot of merit in that kind of praying.
I would ask two things of you…
If you have wisdom for these dear ladies, would you please share it? And secondly, would you commit (as I will) to pray more, not only for our own families, but would you lift these sisters, their husbands and their families up too?
47 comments
My husband was not a believer when we were first married. He actually agreed to homeschooling before he became a believer 4 years ago.
Don’t pressure him just pray, pray and pray some more. It helps to have a trusted group of family members and friends praying for him as well.
I know the few times I said anything to my husband about God, he took it as pressure from me to submit to my will. So I stopped saying anything for a while but continued to go to church taking my daughter with me. Eventually, I began asking on Sundays (very cheerfully) “Do you want to go with us today?” Mostly he would say no and without showing disappointment, I would just say OK. I would ask again the next week. Eventually he began coming with us some and then turned his life to Christ. I know the prayers are what helped the most though.
It is a tough situation but Christ can change the heart. My family is a testament of this.
I have been in your shoes. Within in one year of marrying, my husband, who had previously been a professing “believer” suddenly carelessly, denounced his faith completely. I was shocked. My whole world suddenly came crashing down around me. Truly, only God can know what is sincere in a human’s heart.
I was raised in a christian home and greatly respected my father who is a very godly man. I always took for granted that my own children would be raised in a similar fashion by their father. I felt betrayed by my husband who didn’t get at all what the “big deal” was.
Our marriage very nearly collapsed. With the help of a great marriage counselor and my finally agreeing to stop bringing up topics that we could no longer agree upon (any intelligent discussion where morals might be an issue) we managed to survive.
At first I was so bitter and the situation seemed so hopeless (as my husband and his father verbally spat on God’s word in our own home) I didn’t even pray. My mom continued to encourage me and eventually I began praying. Years passed. Our son was growing older. I began praying with faith and sincerity of heart, but still my husband remained bitter towards God’s word and the church.
It wasn’t until the Air Force transferred us to the town of San Angelo, Texas that I began to see an answer to prayer. As soon as we arrived in that isolated desert city, the spirit of God got a hold of my husband and started to do a miraculous work in his heart. All of the sudden, one day, HE wanted to go to church. At first, he was very skeptical of what the pastor said, and every time they passed the communion plate he refused to partake. Finally, one day, he gave his life to the Lord, this time sincerely. When he accepted communion, there were tears of gratitude towards God and the people of San Angelo in my eyes.
You see, in this smallish Texas city, all of the pastors in town along with anyone else who will join them meet weekly to pray over the souls of those still living in darkness in their city. They have claimed their city for the Lord and are demanding dominion over San Angelo. Serious spiritual warfare praying going on. They meet in the top floor of the tallest building downtown where you can see through wall sized windows the layout of the whole city. They go from window to window and pray specifically over each part of the city.
I know their prayers have affected many families like ours. Even I, who was already a believer, could literally feel the spirit of God working in my life in that city in a powerful different kind of way.
I don’t understand the spiritual warfare aspect of prayer, only that it works. That God answers prayers. Especially when a lot of believers are claiming victory in his name.
So, I encourage you- don’t lose faith even if your situation seems hopeless. I know it’s painful. Remember that God is faithful and that he is in control of your husband’s heart and can change it anytime he chooses.
Desperately cry out to God. I’ll pray with you, as well.
I read this blog daily, and many times I question or disagree what your write about. I am a believer, but I have many different feelings than you. But today, today I now know why I’ve been reading this blog. I struggle with this exact issue. I got married in July and in September my husband told me he no longer believes that Jesus is his Savior. My world fell down. My heart broke in half.
Since then, I have felt very lost, and haven’t known who to talk to. He still goes to church with me on Sundays, but it’s not the same. Reading what Angela and Sheena wrote, helps me very much. Thanks for addressing this topic, Kelly!
This is one area I am very familiar with! I became born again about a year into our marriage. It took ten long years for my husband to join me. I took my children to church by myself two or three times a week for all those years. I had no believing family to help support me. I used every tactic I could think of to get my husband saved..including manipulation. God revealed to me that my motives were impure. I wanted him saved so my life would be better and easier, not necessarily because I was concerned about the state of his soul. It wasn’t until I completely surrendered and accepted my husband just the way he was with no expectations that God began to move. I think it took ten years because of my stubborness, not his. My advice to anyone in this situation is of course, pray without ceasing, but also to love unconditionally. Let the Holy Spirit do the work, don’t try to do God’s job for Him. Let your children learn about the love of Christ first hand by seeing it in action every day in the way you treat their unbelieving father.
Wow, these are some amazing testimonies! The story about the pastors of San Angelo, Texas gave me chills!!!! All I can say is a big “wow” over that one.
Rachel, I am writing your name on our prayer list.
Long time reader … I think this is my first time posting!
I became saved within a year or two of getting married. And lived for 9 years with an unsaved husband.
I can tell you the wrong things I did over the years: nagged, acted holier-than-thou, attended for two years a church that my husband was adamantly against, thought that if I could only convince him by the exact right words/arguments he would be saved, and took it upon myself to be the spiritual leader of the home because I was the saved one.
Sigh.
One day, like a lightening bolt, I realized that it wasn’t up to me to convince my husband — there were no magic words or arguments, no emotional/mental/spiritual manipulation that I could do to save him. Salvation is the gift of God — I couldn’t turn his heart from stone to flesh — only the Holy Spirit could. I realized that I had usurped my husband’s role of leader. Even if he wasn’t saved, he was still the leader of our house. If faith comes by hearing the word of God, how was I benefiting my husband by attending a church that he refused to visit? How was I being a submissive wife in any sense?
I repented at that point, and sought to undo the damage.
I immediately stopped going to the church he hated and began seeking a church where my husband would feel comfortable. (Note: I don’t mean a “seeker sensitive” church. I mean a church that my husband didn’t hate.) This was harder than it sounds! It took a lot of research that INVOLVED my husband. I did the legwork online researching all of the “not heretical” (LOL!) churches in our area, and he picked which churches we would visit.
The difference was amazing. Instead of hen pecking my husband along, he was in control of where we went. It took awhile. It took much prayer. And fear on my part. And getting over that fear and trusting God. And visiting many, many churches. But, you know what? God really used that time to teach me. I came to the point where I understood doctrinally what was wrong with the church I had attended for all those years …. Something my husband instinctively knew, but I was blinded against. It was years before we found what is now our church home.
I should stress that he was still unsaved at this point, but he attended church (at what is now our church home) with me 2-3 times a month. He even agreed to attend a potluck lunch one Sunday! Our first non-Sunday morning church worship service thing EVER! It wasn’t a quick and easy process… it was three years of attending this church before my husband was saved. Three years of prayers and begging the Lord to save my husband … Of attempting to be salt and light and submissive without a word of nagging or reproach. But, oh! How worth it!
I remember the night he told me that he was “thinking about being saved” but wasn’t sure what to do. Oh. My. Goodness. It was an absolutely surreal experience. I felt like I was dreaming! It’s been over a year since then, and I can say that God has truly given me the desires of my heart!
On the homeschooling front: my husband did let me homeschool, even though he wasn’t a Christian. Anyway, I would suggest 1) taking it slowly; 2) validate and address your husband’s concerns; and 3) keep your husband involved in all aspects of your homeschool.
For example, in the beginning my husband only agreed to homeschool Kindergarten. It is not mandatory in WI and he had the idea that the boys could always attend First Grade if it wasn’t working out. Well, at first I pouted about this(!), but then I realized that I needed to take the ball and run with it! He gave me two years to prove myself! 🙂 So, I worked at making those first two years great!
Also, my dh had the “socialization” fears. Well, they weren’t my fears, but I had to prove to him that our children wouldn’t turn into little weirdos (sorry — I can’t think of a better word!). So, I made sure to incorporate play dates and activities where the boys could interact with other children. Also, I made sure to print out studies from NHERI and HSLDA that put homeschooling in a positive light. (Two that impressed him were: Home Schooling Achievement and Homeschooling Grows Up.) And, I made sure to take my homeschooling responsibility seriously, in a manner that pleased my husband, which for him meant lesson plans and seeing actual progress.
Finally, keep your husband involved in the decision making process. I would gently ask my husband to read small sections of The Well-Trained Mind when he was just sitting around at night, so that he could understand different aspects of curricula and teaching. I think it helped him a lot to see why I would want *this* curricula over *that* curriculum. Also, one summer I had trouble picking our science curriculum for that year. It finally occurred to me to ask dh’s input. I laid out the pros and cons of the two programs I was considering and surprisingly enough, he had a strong opinion about which one we should use! LOL. Now, I’ve learned to keep him involved in picking curriculum!
I should add that when my husband saw everything our children could do after K4 compared to what other children in our family could do after public school K4, he was sold on letting us homeschool through the end of Fourth grade. Then, when our oldest was in First, and our middle was in K4, he was sold on homeschooling through 8th grade! Wow, hey?
I can, indeed, relate to Angela and Sheena. My husband was a believer when we got married and grew a little the first three years we were married. Then, as the song says, he slowly faded away.
His attitude and actions continued to seperate him from God and he was going through the motions. We went to church, but he had a deaf ear and a blind eye. He just kept incorporating things into his life that were not pleasing to God.
About a month ago, after 12 years of drifting, God got a hold of him. Our lives are not the same around here. I have my husband back!! Praise God!!!
He said he knew what he had to do, but pride was big in his life and he could not accept the fact that it was his fault that he had drifted so far and for so long. He felt as if something bad were about to happen and for me it was like watching a train wreck, knowing a crash is inevitable just hoping no one gets killed.
He knew God would wake him up somehow. While his mother was praying “whatever it takes” I was praying a hedge of protection over everyone he loved. Thankfully it never came to that.
I do appreciate Debi Pearls book”Created to be his helpmeet” It really opened my eyes to how to help him. Prayer, yes, even he would tell me to pray for him if I nagged or disapproved( I tried not to but 12 years is a long time of frustration and I can be weak. Still, not recomended). He would say he had lost his joy,but knew deep down what it took to get back to God.
That book, anyway, was an eye opener. Especially the part about the different personality types. I could realate to him so much better and meet his needs without trying to figire him out or make him fit into my mold.
We have homeschooled all along and he would allow it , but not support it. He would let me decide to go back to work and put the kids in school if I wanted. That would be a “steady man” personality. He is fine with allowing me to accomplish whatever, as long as it didn’t get in his way.
Things are different, that’s for sure!! He actually said a few nights ago that he didn’t understand how anyone would not support someone who homeschools, especially Christians.
I know this was long, but I am so seeped in this topic right now and excited. Pray, pray, pray, don’t nag or show disapproval, pray somemore. When he does commit his whole life to Christ, he will see Christ fully in you and his eyes will be opened to all he has been blind to and he will praise you for your diligence. Press on!!
These stories are incredibly encouraging!!!
I have opened anonymous commenting for those who don’t want to reveal their identity.
Wow. This is something that has really been on my mind for the past 2 years or so. My dh is a “believer” but is very worldly. He has very liberal views in regard to roles of women, sexuality, abortion, consumerism, etc. To be fair, he hasn’t changed much, but I have. So it must be hard for him too, dealing with me. I am trying to get things out of my life such as music, tv, etc that is really raunchy, and I am trying to bring our children to the Lord. It is hard when my dh allows my children to watch tv shows that are sexual, or contradicts what I teach them. I would love to homeschool but dh says no way. I will not go against him on the homeschooling, but I do pull my children from the room when he watches certain programming and they know certain songs are not allowed in mom’s car. I am hardly a “holy roller” but I am trying to clean up my attitudes and lifestyle; dh is not on board with me. I continue to pray. I should add that my dh is a very giving person in that he works with poor, immigrants, and mentally ill in his job. So he is a good guy! I know Jesus is with him, but the world has a strong grasp on him too, and he is not so good at resisting it. Please pray for us!
I have been in this situation for almost 14 years. I have been crying my eyes out all morning because I feel like I can’t make it another day this way with an unbelieving husband. Then I came to look at Kelly’s blog and thought, Yes, I can make it, by the Grace of Jesus Christ.
We have been married 17 years. I came to Christ after our oldest was born 14 years ago.
Our differing religious beliefs has been the source of the most conflict in our marriage.
I know I did the wrong things that other here have mentioned, and once the Lord showed me my errors, I repented. Debi Pearl’s book was instrumental in helping me see this.
I met a Titus 2 “mentor mom” about 7 years ago who taught me spiritual warfare. (I get no help on this from my family who told me it was biblical to leave him- they having been saved a few years after me. I knew they were wrong, so I have this burden of misunderstanding with my family, too.) I have seen incredible changes in my husband because of this warfare praying- he no longer is against homeschooling to name a big one, especially when he put all kinds of opposition against me (but never actually forbid me from doing it)
But I still can despair sometimes because it is a spiritual battle that continues daily without end. It’s like being on the front lines of a war all the time.
He is a biology professor at a liberal “christian in name only college” that is surrounded with the lies of evolution all day, so this makes my situation even harder.
I try to keep reminding myself that this is the Lord’s battle to draw him unto Himself, but I am in the trenches daily and I can get so discouraged.
I can see why there are such strong commands in the bible for believers not to marry unbelievers. Darkness can have nothing to do with light. This is an incredible burden to bear but I know the Lord is in control.
I try to work on myself on developing a meek and quiet spirit.
We do not go to church. I used to go alone with the children but that caused even more friction. It makes me sad every Sunday.
It’s hard enough to be a parent and keep the world out of your home, but this is nearly impossible when my other half is part of the world and despises the very things I hold most precious. If it weren’t for the Lord, i would have given up.
Boy, I needed this as well! We’ve been married for a little over two years (remarriages for both of us). My husband says he is saved – we go to church every Sunday, every Wednesday – we both serve in different ways at church. But his actions speak louder than his words. He will not allow me to homeschool our youngest daughter – he will not allow me to stay at home. I keep praying for him and pray that I can love him as he is. I believe that God is working this out – I was reduced from full time to part time recently which now gives me time to pick my daughter up from school. My husband’s attitude is “if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for you”. I keep that Scripture continually in my mind – about keeping a meek and quiet spirit with an unbelieving husband.
My husband comes from a very broken, non-Christian background (divorces, drugs, alcohol, and mental illness.) He does love the Lord, and I am thankful for that. Still, I’ve noticed that whenever he spends time with his family he brings home conflict about our lifestyle and values. (They think we are complete religious wackos, and way too over-protective of our children. I mean – gasp! – we don’t have cable TV!)
I know, not exactly the situation you’re talking about, and – again – I’m very thankful that he does love the Lord, and is growing.
Still, I ache for him to be the spiritual leader in the home. To initiate spiritual training with our kids. To guard them from worldliness.
And I too have sinned in trying to beg, push, manipulate and guilt him into “doing the right thing.”
Far better, as others have said so well, to back off and pray :0)
One thing I CAN do, that helps (and he enjoys) is to use hospitality to my advantage. He’s a social guy, and likes having company, so I look for families that I like and admire. I have them over. I develop friendships with them. I want to surround us with good role models.
I don’t mean that we shut ourselves off from non-Christians. But I do want to spend time with people who model godly family life :0)
I’m a longtime reader of your blog, Kelly, and a nonbeliever. I don’t agree with much of what you say, obviously, coming from such a different perspective… but something keeps drawing me back. I’m trying to keep myself open to learn.
My whole life, I’ve felt like a disappointment to everyone because of my inability to make the leap of faith. I’ve never quite gotten to that point where I want to be saved. My parents, grandparents, friends… I know it hurts them that I don’t believe. I’ve been to many different churches of many different denominations, temples and synagogues, groups, read a lot. Nothing clicks, no lightbulb of understanding has ever come on. I don’t know, do I want to believe for myself or because of pressure from others? I’m just a big, frustrated ball of confusion. I don’t know what to do. I want to want to believe. I feel there’s something wrong with me all the way inside.
Anyway, I’m not married or anything, but you opened up anonymous comments and I wanted to… talk, I guess. Hope you’re having a good day.
Nancy Leigh DeMoss from Revive Our Hearts has done a WONDERFUL series on this. It was so encouraging and hopeful with great Biblical counsel. I will look for it and post it in a little bit.
Jess in Peru
Anon–
Having never personally exerienced what you describe, it’s difficult to answer. However, I’ve heard similar stories of people experiencing what you describe who have amazing conversions–one of which was so miraculous and compelling, it blew my mind.
I am going to look up his story (the name leaves me at the moment)so come back and look for it.
What is similar about the stories I’ve heard is when a person “comes clean” before the Lord and just says, “I don’t believe but I want to!”
I personally believe that a true non-believer, one that is not elect, has NO desire to believe, no desire to learn about the things of God and, in fact, has enmity toward those things and toward other Christians.
I’m not hearing that from you…and I find tremendous hope in that!
Have you asked God to open your eyes and your heart? There is something working in you–I believe, or you would not be searching…
Anon,
Praying for you
I've been married almost 19yrs & been saved almost 10 of those yrs. Dh is not saved. He seems okay with most of what I believe & teach the kids, but is not there. We used to have so much in common. Now we look at things from completely different angles.
We also have 6 children, with special needs. Two are severe. He's never been an involved dad; not in the way they need. Since he lacks patience I don't go to church. I can't find one suitable anyway but also cannot leave all the children with him at one time as it'd just be too much. So if they can't come, which is often due to their disabilities, I just don't go – anywhere.
I'm on my own with teaching, training, etc. He is not a strong leader either, so often this forces me into making family decisions. This puts lots of extra pressure on me as well.
The other day in my dd's bible program, it mentioned the father reading the Bible to the family, then she had to later answer the questions. When it came to who reads the Bible to you, she knew it wanted her to answer father, but just looked at me. I said it's okay to say it's mom here.
But I was sad.
It's a very lonely place to be. I truly have nothing, no one, to lean on, so it leaves me leaning on Him. That may be just the way He wants it. Maybe things will change someday. I do so much wrong too , & often just feel like a complete failure at it all, even being His.
I feel there's an extra amount of pressure, not letting myself "go" spiritually, becz dh will judge that & not be "won". Of course that doesn't happen; I'm human & fail at that too, so then comes more guilt!
Seems there's no winning. So all I can do is keep praying.
Bless you for being sensitive to this situation in other's families.
Pray for us all! 🙂
My husband has not personally accepted Christ as his savior. I used to try and “force it” but that never worked.
However, since I have began to respect him as the biblical head of the house, learning to be a more submissive wife, and reading my scriptures and praying, it has prompted him to become interested as well as active in prayer and scripture reading. He’s always telling me how much I am helping him build his faith in God.
At this point, it’s easy to just try and “force him” again, but I know that I can’t do that. It’s in God’s hands and not mine. Besides, you can’t “force” anyone to be saved (e.g., regenerated)
It’s not always easy, but I just continue to love and respect my husband, and be thankful to God that I have someone who loves, supports and protects me. My husband is truly a blessing in my life!
What a wonderful post! I especially love the point made that we must let the Holy Ghost do the work of transformation, that’s simply not the work we’re supposed to do. (And that if we’re guilty of trying to do this work we should repent immediately).
May I make an additional suggestion?
When you are struggling with trying to help a nonbeliever, don’t forget to keep yourself spiritually healthy. The enemy loves nothing more that those two-for-one deals. Even if the progress does not occur at the pace you would like-never forget the fruits of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 6: love joy peace, LONGsuffering, gentleness, faith, meekness, temperance. Lacking any of these gives you an idea of what your “spiritual temperature” is. If you’re bottoming out on these qualities, you have to step back, spend some time with God, and try to re-establish your relationship with HIM before you try to pull the mote out of anyone else’s eye.
Just a suggestion from a pastor’s wife…
Anon…
Tom Papania is the man with such an amazing story of God’s grace in his life…here is a partial clip of the beginning of his fascinating testimony…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TlI_16aL6Q
Then, his website is: http://www.tompapania.com/
I hope it encourages you.
Reading these comments have been so encouraging! Just to know that I am not alone. A year and half ago I stopped going to church – my husband hated it and never came with me and the kids. I told him we would go to church whenever and wherever he took us. He took us to a catholic church. This was hard for me, but while I was there I prayed and my children learned how to sit still in a service. He didn’t like the catholic church but it was always his thing for why he hated my church – he wanted us to be catholic, but then when we went to go “be catholic” he didn’t want that either. So we stopped going to church again. I did some research and found a church that I wanted to go to and asked him if he would take us. He said he would. We went and we have been going off and on for almost a year. We only go if he takes us. If he wants to stay home, we stay home. But this is still hard for me because of the constant battle during the week – I ache to go and sing hymns and be with other believers on Sunday morning.
What is the constant battle during the week? Husband finding fault with everything I do. My cooking, the way I treat the children, the way I train the children, the way I school the children. (I am thankful to homeschool, but he threatens public school all the time)constant criticism. It is hard to maintain a meek a quiet spirit in this atmosphere.
I have found that when I purposely take time out to find good things about my husband I can get through these times. The Lord is my refuge and strong tower. Only the truth of God’s word comforts. Thankfulness gives strength when obedience seems impossible.
I do have a question though, What do you do when you’re training your child – or dealing with heart issues like pride or anger and the unbelieving husband gets in the way – either with criticism in front of the kids or telling the kids that what I am doing or focusing on is trying to brainwash them. Is letting people in your church know that your husband is not saved disrespectful to him?
What if you have a homebased business to help your husband (and you are careful to not neglect your other duties) but he ridicules and sometimes “sabotages” your efforts. Should I just let the business go? Would this be honoring him? Where do I draw the line when it is clear nothing at all will please him…how do I respect my husband but not crawl in a hole just to have no criticism?
Although, just writing this out is so nice – makes me think – it’s just criticism, it doesn’t change the truth that I am a child of God created with a purpose and that I should not grow weary in well doing.
Thank you for this. Do pray for us – we are trying to raise up godly children, and trying to help our men to be all that God would have them be.
Struggling,
I do not believe it would be disrespectful to your husband if you asked a few trusted people at church to pray for your husband. You could even ask for general prayers for your family because God knows what your needs are.
You said you can get through these times when you concentrate on the good things about your husband. You may already be doing this, but I would also verbalize the good things you appreciate about your husband to him. Sometimes they need to hear that they are loved and appreciated.
I know in my case, the more I express this love and respect to my husband by telling him, the more positive he becomes.
The fact that he is willing to go to church even if only sometimes, is encouraging. Sometimes, people become pretty miserable with themselves when God is working in them. Most of us tend to take out our misery on those we love most. I don’t know if this is what is going on with your husband but I will pray that God will do a good work in him.
Everyone else,
I commit to pray for you all as we are here to encourage one another and lift each other up.
Prayerfully,
Angela
Wow! What a great topic to bring up.
My husband is also a nonbeliever, but I’m praying for him!
I feel very blessed that my husband willingly goes to church with me every Sunday. He even agreed to take a class at church with me this “semester”. It’s called “The Faith Defined” and it’s being taught by my husband’s favorite pastor at our church. We did two weeks on the history of the Bible and my husband was really impressed. He said it brought a lot of credibility to Christianity 🙂 I’m praying God will really work in his heart through this class.
I also feel blessed that my husband is open to me homeschooling our future children if I decide I want to. When I brought up natural childbirth, possibly at home, though, he thought I was taking things a little too far 🙂 Lol!
One question I have is if anyone knows of a Christian married to nonbeliever forum, blog, or online support group??? I’ve looked around online before, but never found much helpful. I would think an online support group could really help a lot of women.
~Becky
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9294
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9294
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/today.php?pid=9748
http://www.reviveourhearts.com/radio/roh/past_programs.php?topic_name=Marriage
Go to When he doesn’t believe of the above link and it will lead you to a series called “when he doesn’t believe.”
This ministry is filled with amazing resources and I hope you can take the time to invest in this. It will be worth every moment. You can listen or read!
Jess in Peru
P.S. each link I previously posted is about an unbelieving husband, but the last link had a series in it.
Jess
God can use a loving wife to a non-believer best when she keeps her mouth shut, and allows the holy spirit to work in his own time.
I went to church alone for years, and we had the same conversation every Sunday, are you going to church again? yes. He grew up going to church a couple of times a year. He thought I was a nut.
Don’t preach to your husband, and think you can lead him by words, kind actions and a loving wife, that simply tries her best to live her beliefs is in my experience the best, and happiest way.
It is one more lesson to learn we are not in control, and ant work done on a heart is by Gods design, acceptance is not an easy thing.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Kelly.
I have been married to my husband for 27 years and we have a very large family. He has always professed faith and been faithful to go to church but has been very inconsistent in his walk with the lord. He’s fallen into sin (pornography) several times and we have been separated twice. It has been a difficult marriage.
I have several words of advice…make sure that if you share your “problem” with someone that you share with a wise person who is “part of the solution”, When you are in pain and go to someone who isn’t trustworthy or wise you can be influenced wrongly. It may take a long time to find such a person but, meanwhile, God will strengthen you through wise books or radio programs and His word.
Be Strong! Submission takes a strong woman who knows who she is in Christ! You can respectfully ask your husband to treat you right! You are an example to your children when you quietly do what is right and walk with your head held high.
You will feel very alone. I know. Yet, the sweetest times I’ve ever had with Jesus are those hard hard times of trusting Him in my marriage.
Teach your children the word and to follow Christ. Teach them to respect their dad. He will secretly be proud of them. Raise godly children with good manners who work hard. When they get old enough they will realize that something is not right in your marraige but they will see you doing what is pleasing to God anyway. My children have grown up to respect me big time! It is such a joy! My 21 year old son corrects his University fraternity brothers when they don’t talk respectfully to their mothers! It is such a blessing!
ALso believe it or not, my children look forward to marraige! Only the grace of God!
Finally….and most important! Ask God to give you a love a nd a vision for your husband. I have always been on my husband’s team even when he has hurt me terribly. I have believed in Him. This has to be a gift from God. A husband can sense if you are “faking” it. Ask God to do a miracle and wait for His strength…you will build a testimony through the generations!
Wow~
I would love to hear privately from the commentor with a large family who was married 27 years. I know what you mean about being careful in who you get your advice from. Will you write to me?
I think the statements made by one of the first ladies who commented on this post summarize the three most important things one can do in the case of an unsaved husband. “My advice to anyone in this situation is of course, pray without ceasing, but also to love unconditionally. Let the Holy Spirit do the work, don’t try to do God’s job for Him.”
Cheerfulness and respect are two things I would like to add to the list.
What a good subject to blog about Kelly! Thank you for opening up the anonymous identity on this subject. Coincidentally, this topic was the sermon at church today. Praying for all of you who requested it.
Big thanks to Jess in Peru. I have that site bookmarked and will listen to those programs when I have some spare alone time!
-Becky
I have skimmed the posts. Lots of wisdom given. I have been married for close to 25 years to an unbeliever. I came to Christ shortly before we married and was ignorant of Gods Word.
I also have the issue of him being bound by alcohol.
I have learned and am learning much over the years.
Let him be the leader even when you think he is wrong.
He is the head, no matter who is the believer. Don’t try to change him. When I gave up trying to change him things got much better. I got myself into this, God needs to get me out. I can still love him even if he is lost. Read 1 cor 13 and apply it to him.
About the children, I was allowed to homeschool all the way through. My daughter is now working on the mission field. While my sons are living worldly, although still profess faith in Christ. I have to say this is more my fault than my husbands, I was to full of spiritual pride when I should have let my husband take over with his sons-“they were mine” I thought in my heart. Well what does a woman know about raising men? What does a women raised without a father know? I think much of their current rebellion is an attempt to feel like men. But if I had allowed my husband more of a say when they were younger they may not feel the need to follow this road. Do not undermine your children’s father!
Trust God, and like I heard here already find the right counsel. I had many tell me to leave him. I quit going to them, and am glad of it.
I needed to read this today. Thanks so much for posting. You are truly helping others through this wonderful blog. I am so glad I found you and am adding you to my blogroll!
My husband and I have been married 17years.(2nd time for both of us) When we first married, we were living in the world, doing the drinking and party. About 4 years ago I got saved and attend church on a regular basis. We also have two girls (14 & 8) at home. My husband does not attend church, he will go for something the girls are involved in (Christmas program, etc). He doesn't tell us we can't attend church or stop of from going, nor does he try to put us on guilt trips about attending church. I do know that he mentioned not liking the church due to things that used to take place when the church first started, but we all know, things and people change. I have read in other posts where the wives stopped attending the church or just didn't go because husbands didn't like the church, not sure I totally agree with that and if I am wrong, then please give me more insight on this issue.
I know the husband is the head of the household or is suppose to be, but what if you have a husband that doesn't want to take on responsiblity of that household, or does, but not in the Godly/Christian way?? This is something I stuggle with everyday. I am trying to teach my girls one way, but they see other ways of living by the way their dad lives. I must mention, that my husband no longer drinks or goes to parties since I got saved and stopped doing those things, he does still curse, which our girls hear on a daily basis. I try to accept the things the my husband says or the way things need to be done according to him, but again I struggle with this, and I have to admit, I am very head strong, which I think I need to pray over.
After reading most of these postings and seeing what others have gone through or continue to go through, have given me a different insight on some things. I think that one thing that I have been doing is saying, God, if my husband was in church, things would be better and I life would be more prosperous, but I am thinkign that I am using it to my own advantage instead of what it will do for my husband, I am not sure who wrote that in their blog, but Thank you, that opened my eyes.
I feel that once we arrive home from church our christian values get shut out. It's a whole different atmosphere. And as for the girls, they attend church regularly as well, not that they always want to, but that is one thing I do make them do most of the time, staying home usually isn't an option for them.
I do at times ask my husband to attend church and the girls give him an attitude about not attending church, but we don't push the issue, I am just hoping some day it will register with him that he needs God and church before it is to late.
I am a saved wife and ever since I became closer in my walk with God. My husband who I love with all my heart is unsaved and has been beat up by demons. I know that we are in a spiriture war fare. I am still going to love him with all my heart even thought is rebellious. The bible says that we are new creatures in christ and all belivers are to love with all thy heart. They hated Jesus so we will also be hated as well, but the good thing is wives is that GOD wins in the end. Yes, sometimes I want to throw in the towel, but God is keeping strong to fight the enemy.
Wow. This is one area that isn’t talked about that often and there aren’t a lot of books on it either. It is a lonely place to be sometimes.
I’m married to a professing Christian who I don’t beleive it saved. I know it isn’t my call to make but “Christian” is used very loosly these days and I believe “saved by grace, not of works”. My husband believes his confirmation vow and forgiveness each week by his apostle at church.
So, I beleive I am married to a man who isn’t truly a Christian. We attend different churches. We’ve been married for 5 years. When I was first married, I didn’t really go to church though I had been brought up in a Christian home and am a Christian myself. I guess I had sort of fallen away. A year into our marriage we had a difficult miscarriage. I was angry at the Lord and had many spiritual battles. But our gracious Lord always has a plan and it was through that tragedy that He gently brought me back to Him. Four years later I have two little ones and am closer to the Lord than I have ever been. My little ones attend church with me three times a week and I do hope to homeschool them.
My greatest desire for them is to come to know the Lord truly, to love Him and want to serve Him.
Each Sunday during alter call, I go down and fervently pray for the salvation of my little ones and for my husband. Tears usually stream down my face.
My husband and I have talked many times. One night I was on my knees on the floor before him in his chair as we talked. I cried and told him I loved him so much but that I beleived he wasn’t saved and wouldn’t be going ot heaven. He was kind of like, “um, ok”. It was very anti-climactic since I had been praying and praying about talking to him that night. I do not want to get to heaven and have hte Lord ask my why I didn’t share my thoughts with my husband. So I did.
I have been blessed with a wonderful older woman at church who, after sharing that and the rest of the story said, that my conscience was now clear. I had given him a clear presentation of how to be saved and explained the truth to him. If he wants to discuss it further, he will but in the mean time, do not badger him. Just leave it; be a loving, caring and devoted wife.
I asked her how I deal with his “claim of CHristianity” when I was sure it wasn’t real. She said, “Take him at his word and pray for him”.
Our little ones are 3 and 1 1/2 and I am not yet sure how to handle questions that will eventually come about why daddy and mommy attend different churches. I do not ever wish to be disrespectful of my husband for I love him and want to honor the Lord with my marriage. At the same time, I want my children to understand the truth about grace, mercy and the sacrifice of Christ and not be confused by a religion of traditions and works.
Anyway, is there a limit to the length of my comment? LOL.
My husband and I have a fantastic relationship and a good marriage. I can trust in his leadership and his decisions in all but the areas of faith. When we married, I didn’t give much thought to future children and had no idea that my heart would break for them the way it does. I would give up all for the salvation of my little ones. But it is a gift that they must choose for themselves. I pray that the simplicity of it isn’t marred by any false beleifs they may be exposed to.
If anyone has any ideas about how to explain that “mommy and daddy beleive different things to children, but mommy is right”, I’d appreciate it!
Wow, how I needed to hear this. I have been married for almost 47 years, and in the beginning my husband and I both went to church. He says he is a Christian. But every church we went to, he found something wrong, and within a year…sometimes just months, he quit, and wouldn’t let me go with the kids either. We used to have devotions with the kids after supper every night, but it got where I had to have them on commercials because he didn’t want to miss any TV. I quit that because I felt that was teaching my kids to only allow God time if you could work it in. that was wrong. Finally when my youngest son was about 13 I decided I was taking his to church every Sun. My dh would make sure there was just enough gas in the car on Sat. when he came home from the office, to get back to town on Monday morning. We live 14 miles from town. I was teaching painting at the time, and would have to use my tithe to buy gas for us to get home from church…he took my earnings to pay bills. At times he took my tithe.
He has only been to church for about 2 months in the last 10 years. He doesn’t like me to go, but so far he has not told me I can’t go anymore.
The discussions that all of you have had are really very good. I too, know that I can’t be the Holy Spirit…I can’t do the convicting…
it has to be Him! I have prayed till I am blue in the face, but I won’t stop! I try to be as sweet as I can. I don’t ask him to go with me anymore, because he gets so irritated. The funny thing is, the church I am going to now, is one that he and I helped to start over 20 years ago. He was hurt by a man there…who is now dead, but my dh says no way is he going there. If I quit going there so he would go somewhere else, it would be the same thing all over again…he LOOKS for something he can find fault with, and then quits. I’m tired of church jumping…I want a church home, where I belong, and I feel like I have found it.
Only my faith in the Lord Jesus and my assurance that one day my dh will come back to Him is what keeps me going. I KNOW that my prayers will be answered. I must keep on keeping on. My grown children are watching both of us. I want them to see Jesus Christ in not only their mom, but also their dad.
air filters for cars…
pl pray for pavan salvation and my marriage with him
I can relate my husband is a non believer and it is causing so much pain and fear for me and my family. Along with his hatred for God he is a alcoholic too. He is such an embarrassment to me and my daughters. They hate being around him. It has gotten so bad one daughter has moved out of state to be far from her father and so her children do not have to witness his drunken behavior all the time like she have for 25 years. I use to make excuses for his behavior years ago around family and friends, but now I no longer cover up his behavior and I tell him not to go around people of FAITH because they should not have to be hurt by his hurtful words. It is enough I have to endure it.
I have left it to GOD.
I am feeling so lost and helpless. My husband and i have been married for a year and a half. While we were dating we went down a very dark path and we both hit rock bottom. I at least thought he did. Well right before we got marriedi moved in with my brother so we could dedicate our time to God and seek his forgiveness for the way we were living. After we got married a friend of his invited us to a church( we had already been going to a beforewe were married). We found the truth at this church. Nothing has ever felt so right. We both were baptised and thirsted for the word. I started nursing school which put major stress on everything. About a year later my husband started skipping church and pretty soon i began catching him in lies. He started staying out late and wouldnt answer his phone. I took some of my stuff and was staying with a family from church. My husband had been doing drugs. I stayed with this family for almost 2 months. Soon my husband realised what he was losing and
Married for 17 years to a non- believer. I became a Christian 3 years into the marriage – already married with 2 kids.
I feel so alone. All the time.
The things and the people I love are not welcome in my home, unless hubby isn’t here. Which mostly means they are uncomfortable in my home, and the relationships get pushed aside and eventually disappear. People at church won’t come for lunch when they find out my hubby won’t be here and I have been uninvited a number of times because hubby wasn’t coming to their place for lunch. He doesn’t want to know about my churchy friends or churchy job.
We disagree on so many things – can not discuss anything with a moral or ethical issue attached. We have different views of what marriage looks like and what faithfulness in marriage means.
We have 3 children, mostly teenagers now who are watching.
My husband is the head of my house. I love him and respect him, but I can’t wait for this world to end.
I’m so tired of standing on my own, so tired of crying, so tired of watching my children watch us.
I know God is with me. I know that this is where he wants me to be. I just wish it was over.
Beth,
This was so painful for me to read. And even though I don’t know you, it makes me wish I could reach through this screen, find you and hug you. I have prayed for you, for your husband, and I know that what is impossible with man, is possible with God. Hang in there, and pray fervently for the Lord to open your husband’s heart to truth.
I have been married for many years to an unbelieving spouse. He went to church as a boy but the vicar in the church betrayed the trust of his young charges in terrible ways. I believe the Lord has sanctified my Husband and I have known times when He has come very near but then He goes back and does not want to be troubled. I have had times when our marriage was on verge of collapse and can remember once when he had come home very late after being out with friends and I waited on Him and served Him dinner because The Lord told me my behaviour to him should be without reproach, as I obediently acted in this way I was filled to overflowing with the joy of the Lord , it was so wonderful, I had been so sad in my heart and this was so amazing it left me in doubt that God was with me in my troubles. My husband is not against me being a Christian and I will remain with Him and now I will act in obedience to the word that He can be won without a word but by my chaste and reverent behaviour that he witnesses. It has been a long time in coming , I have been praying for The Lord to change Him and all the while it has been me that needed to change and become obedient to what the scriptures teach that without a word and by witness of my chaste and reverent behaviour he may be won . I do pray for Him daily but I am now resting in The Lord and giving thanks in all circumstances because I know that all things work together for good to those that love the Lord and I can now see in retrospect that I have been changed through my testing circumstances little by little leading me to the place of surrender of my will in all things. so now I am quietened like a weaned child no more clamouring just peace and trust so that at last I am able to be obedient to the teaching and make way for The Lord.
Chrissy,
Your faith in such a difficult circumstance is so very inspiring.
I am inspired and also saddened at the same time. So many of us are suffering silently regarding our unbelieving spouses. My husband and I have been married 19 years and have 3 wonderful children. He is a good father, provider and husband in so many ways. However; there are other issues like the drinking, swearing, calling me fanatic, in a cult when I watch Joseph Prince on t.v. I feel the deeper my relationship is with the Lord the more I lose my husband. I pray of course for him everyday. He is a hardened man but I know he loves me. I think he feels threatened by my belief. I find our issues continue to be issues and that he thinks I will stop with my walk. I want so badly to love God and honor him and give myself completely. But I also fear I could lose my husband in the process…One time when I attended church a lady told me be prepared to lose everything if you continue to follow the Lord…her words come back to me these days of late…
Lizbeth,
I wish I had some encouraging words for you! I do know that God is capable of moving mountains and delights to do the impossible through those who are obedient and faithful. It sounds like you are. Wait on Him with the expectation that He is doing something wonderful.