So I’m always asking myself…”What is it that causes so many disgruntled marriages…so many divorces among Christians…and even difficulties in my own marriage. Why is this holy institution of God under such attack from the enemy?
And in my own estimation of it, the problem lies rooted in one thing: self-centeredness. And from there, a vicious cycle ensues.
When we are centered on self (sin nature/old man), our marriage becomes a place where we look for OUR fulfillment and happiness. So our husbands then become under our constant scrutiny. “He’s not meeting this need…or that need. I’ve been working all day too, and he just comes in and plops down in the chair!”
When “self” is our concern, we create expectations. We want him to be more romantic, more sensitive, more aggressive, more of a spiritual leader, more perceptive, more, more more. So, our solution? TELL HIM. Only his interpretation is NAG ME!
The more we point out his areas of weakness (and this can be done in much subtler ways than speaking it right out–Example….”Why did you…”), the more we tear away at his manhood, his desperate need for simple acceptance. His response (much to our dismay), is not improvement in those areas, but withdrawal to protect himself from further injury. Which in turns, intensifies our frustration, and on and on it goes.
Solution? We must cry out to God for His grace to be servants; to crucify the flesh and its lusts. I heard this quote once: “Marriage is not supposed to make me happy; it is intended to make me holy.” When our purpose in life is to see what we can do to make our husbands comfortable, encouraged, secure, appreciated and happy, only then will we be truly happy.
Here’s the hard part: we are the ones with the power to change the course of things in our marriages. I have spoken to women in broken marriages before who lay out all the ills of the relationship. They admit that they have some areas to work on, but then tell of all the impossible circumstances their husband creates. I told one young lady, “You’re not going to like this, but you are the one who needs to change”. She didn’t like it.
It doesn’t seem fair, but for better or worse, wives really do have a tremendous power to improve or destroy their marriages. (“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down.”) We are the catalysts of change. When we begin to accept our husbands, praising him for his strengths, and praying for his weakness, a miraculous change will occur. He will scale mountains to earn more praise!
I often remind myself that if I would treat my husband the same way as my children in areas I wish for change, the results would be dramatic. When one of my children displays an area of weakness, I try to search really hard for the smallest demonstration of improvement. And then I go crazy. “WOW!!! I just saw you let your sister go first–what a man you are! I’m so proud to have a son that is such a gentleman!” Of course he’s looking at me with a smile thinking “Either Mom is flippin’ out, or she’s not so hard to please after all! I’ll try that again!”
A few years ago my husband said the most piercing words I had ever heard…he rarely complains which is why I guess they were so hurtful. But he looked at me in defeat one day and said, “I can never do enough”. My heart sank and I purposed (and still fail often) to be more appreciative and grateful for the things he does (which are a whole lot!)
Let’s purpose to be servants in our home. Let’s find something today that we can sincerely thank our husbands for. Appreciation, Admiration, and Acceptance–the three A’s. Remember them!
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One of my favorite movies is My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My girls and I giggle often when we repeat this quote:
“Ahhh…the man may be the head of the family but the woman is the neck, it is the neck that turns the head.”
Now some may interpret this as manipulation, and sure, it could be used that way, but as with wicked intentions sewn, one will reap the wicked results.
But we interpret it as we do have a great influence in the home. It is our duty to make home a heaven that husbands WANT to come home to. We have a duty to love and respect them…serve them. When our focus is to make him secure in our devotion, to build him up to be known in the gates, then we will reap the rewards of peace that the Lord gives, because we are being faithful! And not only do we receive that peace, but often we receive more than we could imagine from our husbands.
Yes, it is hard to die to your-SELF, but the ‘afterlife’ is SO WONDERFUL!