Through Hatushili’s blog, I ran across an article at The Purple Cellar where the author addresses modesty. But her emphasis was not on clothing, rather on modesty and restraint of our interactions with others, particularly those of the opposite sex.
It’s an issue that is probably not raised enough among believers; a man or woman should exercise extreme caution in the area of “friendships” with other men and women.
My husband and I were just observing that there is such a flippancy within the church, between friendships of men and women who are married to other people. Once again, I blame the feminist movement, somewhere along the line, for our arrival at the conclusion that somehow it’s “safe” to leave our relationships unguarded.
As the author points out, in fact, the safer we think we are, the more susceptible to falling we become! Just another piece of the puzzle explaining so many extra-marital affairs in the body of Christ. Think about how many shocking stories you’ve heard of “he left his wife for her best friend”…or something to that tune. This is not a trivial issue.
There was a day, whether you were a Christian or not, when men and women just held a safe distance from presumption with one another; they didn’t share intimate details of their lives, they would never have even considered being alone with one another, and the respect they held for themselves, and for the spouses of others, maintained a proper distance. Now, such a view is considered prudish. But boy have the divorce attorneys benefited from our new freedom!
The natural affinity that occurs between a man and woman doesn’t just die after you are married; a marriage license doesn’t remove all possibility of attraction to another person. We must guard from temptation just as before, never allowing ourselves to become too familiar or intimate with another man or woman. Additionally, we must seek to honor our spouses in our relationships, and not wound them. How do I respond to other men when they’re talking? Do I look at them with an admiring gaze…one that perhaps my husband would covet? I think we also should be very careful about physical contact. If you are a “hugger” by nature, you need to consider that many men (and women, if you are a man) are highly stimulated by such “innocent” gestures…we need to be very careful that we don’t give wrong signals, even if our intentions are innocent.
The following is an excerpt from the article I mentioned…I encourage you to read the rest.
“Wait a minute,” we say. “We’re just friends! There’s nothing wrong with that.” Oh, but there is. Sharing verbal intimacies with a man is the exclusive right of his wife. It takes something away from her when we focus her husband’s attention onto ourselves. The best of marriages takes work, and because of that there are certainly seasons where the monotony of daily life can tempt a man (or woman) to be attracted to something or someone novel. The new and different is exciting to almost everyone, so even the most innocuous revelations about ourselves can be distracting.”
Just a little challenge on a slightly different topic…do you agree?
17 comments
I agree, I agree 🙂
This is something we really need to start considering in the Christian community.
When I married my husband we actually talked about how we would handle friendships. When he asked that I never share intimate details of our marriage with any of my friends and that I never hug another man, friend or not. I was shocked. Now six years into marriage he was wise in that request.
I used to hug male friends and now I don’t. But sharing details of my marriage with girlfriends has been the biggest challenge for me. Though it’s kept me from falling into the habit of complaining about my husband to girl friends.
Sorry the latter was slightly off topic. I only mention it because my husband and I discussed both topics together.
Kelly
Good topic, WW!
Wow! So true. Its definitely something to be wary of.
I completely agree. I, for one, know myself well enough to know I am capable of being tempted. (As is everyone, to some extent, I assume.)
My husband thinks I’m being prudish and extreme when I refuse to get chatty with his male friends, or avoid ever being alone with them. Alone meaning no other adults. I don’t believe children count, as I can be quite flirtatious with my husband, and my children are ne’er the wiser. His friends think I’m cold and unfriendly, but that’s a good thing in my eyes.
On the other hand, I know I find myself quite jealous feeling whenever he chats with the neighbor lady. (She’ll share things with him that she won’t tell her own husband, or complain about her husband to him, and my husband doesn’t share any of it with me. I don’t want gossip, I just don’t want secrets either.) Society tells us it is wrong to feel that way. But is it? Or is it just being protective of our marriage?
Yes—if I’m sending an e-mail to a married woman or writing a comment on her blog, I will usually try and make the point to address her as Mrs [insert surname here]. That to me sets the tone of the whole e-mail from the get-go.
Verbally, I could do it too, but for some people it is a little awkard.
But sometimes I do think back to the more formal days of the past when people commonly referred to others by their title and not necessarily their first name.
Yes, Kelly, I agree with you, and I’m called prudish and weird when I tell I don’t have any male friends – but that’s alright. I’m just saving *everything*, every attraction I might have towards the opposite sex, for my future husband.
I agree! Right before I married, my parents advised me never to be alone with another non-family member man and not ever allow myself to get into a situation where temptation could enter the picture and lead to sin. My parents have practiced this advice for their entire marriage, as have my grandparents, and both of these couples have strong, Godly marriages.
I agree! I think we need to stand up for this in our society. There is no benefit to any person to have a friendship outside of their marriage. Even same sex friendships aren’t “necessary,” just nice to have. Any friendship or relationship should take second place or be eliminated if needed to strengthen a marriage.
Great post! I avoid talking to any man at church unless my husband is with me. It just doesn’t feel right.
I am really glad you wrote about this issue. My sister in law ( My brothers wife) Was saying some pretty inapproptiate things to my husband and I shut her down. I told her how inapproprite she was. Needless to say she got very mad and defensive. Do I care? No not really. Mess with my man and I am going to stick up for my marriage!
My husband and I are separated right now because of an emotional affair he’s been having with another woman. She says it’s no big deal and she can be friends with whoever she wants to be. 2 weeks ago my husband walked out on our family…he left me with 4 small children a full time business to run with them there, and a mini farm to manage. All because I interefered with his friendship with this married woman. He has shared the MOST intimate of details of our lives and our marriage with her over the past 18 months. And what started out innocent, Satan is using through lies and deception to destroy a godly family. He said it has nothing to do with her, he’s just tired of being married and wants a divorce. Next week is our 10 year anniversary. They are still chatting it up online and texting. I have surrendered all to God. My husband is unwilling to get help and is VERY unrepentant and very angry with me. They mock me on Facebook and have made a joke of my walk with Christ. This is spiritual warfare and I am standing firm for my marriage. Satan can spit those arrows at me all he wants but I will not repay evil with evil and I will not, with the constant help if Christ, sin in my anger. This kind of behavior is not a joke and not harmless ladies….it is a tool used by the dark one, who is bent on destroying our families because he knows he can’t have our souls. Praying for you all to guard your homes and marriages…WITH the Word and through Christ.
My apologies for rambling and runons…I’m on my phone.
Have a blessed week.
I so agree with this post. We avoid opposite sex friendships in our household. I have met men in church that I knew a friendship with them would be harmful to my marriage because the grass is always greener on the otherside. However, we aren’t always aware straight away of that temptation and it can sneak up on us. I think it is better to keep my distance from any man other than my husband. This avoids jealousy as well as temptation.
You’ve got to be kidding me. That’s my initial reaction, after reading some of the comments here.
“There was a day, whether you were a Christian or not, when men and women just held a safe distance from presumption with one another; they didn’t share intimate details of their lives, they would never have even considered being alone with one another, and the respect they held for themselves, and for the spouses of others, maintained a proper distance. Now, such a view is considered prudish”
It is prudish, to the extreme.
Mrs H, seriously? If you seem cold to your husband’s friends, you’re probably going way overboard.
“When he asked that I never share intimate details of our marriage with any of my friends and that I never hug another man, friend or not”
The first part’s very wise; women can yack all kinds of personal things without thinking. The second part? Asinine, purely asinine. Let me ask you this: a lot of you here believe in premarital purity, to the point where you think you should avoid the same things as a single that you’d avoid while married (like kissing and holding hands with someone not your husband). So does this extend to friendship? If it’s inappropriate to hug someone not your husband or even be FRIENDS with someone not your husband, as one extreme female suggested, then is it also inappropriate to be friends with or hug a man while you’re single? I guess that means we’re NEVER allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, huh? Thank God I was never raised so.
“There is no benefit to any person to have a friendship outside of their marriage. Even same sex friendships aren’t “necessary,” just nice to have”
Alright, now this is as close to insane as anything I’ve seen. Listen closely, please: people NEED FRIENDSHIP. Women NEED women, men need men. Such same-sex relationships are VITAL in matters of empathy, advice, counsel, soul-sharing, everything. What you’re describing and suggesting is cloistering, suffocating; I know some people would like to believe that the world’s better and healthier if you shut it off to everyone but you and your spouse, or that your marriage will thrive the best if it’s just a world of you two, but..this is fantasy. You want to make your husband stir-crazy? Just tell him you’re the only friend he needs or will ever need. And I’ll be darned if I separate myself from women dear to me, amazing people both older, who give me advice, and the precious younger who need counsel. Or if I ever dare in foolish arrogance to try and cut my husband off from male companionship that he needs so much. What you speak of defies not only common sense, but the Bible.
As for the opposite sex friendships, you do what works for you. I certainly hope some of the fear-based words I’ve seen here won’t be pushed on other people based on the idea that the alternative is likely to lead to broken families and bloated laywers.
Jennifer, I thank you SO much for stating what you did. I stumbled across this post in the search for other information, but became intrigued by what was being said. However, the more I read into it, the more I thought “man, this is pretty extreme”. And of course, all of the replys and postings were “I agree! I agree!!”.
Yes, I do agree too, that we need to watch how we conduct ourselves around friends of the opposite sex. Completely agree. However, I think the author and some of the other post-ers have taken it to the extreme by saying that you should not need any other friends and that your spouse is everyone and everything you need in life. Perhaps I read into it too far, but that’s what I got out of it. “We must guard from temptation just as before, never allowing ourselves to become too familiar or intimate with another man or woman.” I understand the rationale behind that, but at the same time, if I’m having issues with my spouse that I don’t know how to resolve, yes, I do pray about it, but I also seek advice from several close friends, all of whom are married. I run situations by them and see what they would recommend. I’ve found out by doing that that several other guys I work with are having the same marital problems or issues. And if I ask the wife of one of these guys about the situation, it’s not “letting down my guard” or “opening the door to infidelity”, it’s using resources to solve problems.
Now, with that said, if I’m sitting down to coffee on a regular basis with the wife of a friend, while he’s away at work, or whatever, and chatting about intimacies in marriage, yes, I agree that that would be crossing the line. But to say that you shouldn’t have friends of the opposite sex, or talk about anything besides the ordinary day to day, that’s quite asinine.
Anyway, Jennifer, thank you for your post. I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels the way I do! :O)
You are welcome, Chris. Thank you! 🙂
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