“I felt the need to do some unpacking with our previous discussion of hurting marriages. It needs to be said, apparently, that I’m not addressing marriages with true abuse taking place, or serious mental illness. (Although as a side note, I spoke just yesterday with a friend whose husband suffers from a mental illness, and because of her commitment to her marriage, the Lord has so graciously not only given them the grace to deal with it, but has used his illness to draw them closer to Christ than perhaps anything else could…weakness of the flesh can be turned for God’s glory.)
That Christian marriages are failing left and right is no secret. But I don’t believe the majority of them are suffering some irreparable condition. I believe they are under massive attack. I believe by and large the church is not teaching truth concerning marriage and is not equipping individuals to be men and women of God, committed to a life-long relationship. And I don’t believe proper consequences are being felt for the spouse that leaves without biblical grounds or is living in sin against his or her spouse.
Furthermore, the destructive cycle is being repeated as children suffer the consequences of broken parents and then are left even more ill-equipped to handle their own marriages.
Sometimes the issue is deep and complicated and no, I don’t believe there is a 1-2-3 step program that fits every marriage.
And sometimes, I think it is not so complicated, just hard.
I believe Scripture provides principles that when applied, would fortify most marriages. We are foolish to disregard that fact. But they must be applied to all of life. From the very onset of childhood we need to be bathing our children in the wisdom of the Lord, preparing their hearts even then, for the picture that God has reserved to reveal His glory–the picture of eternal covenant between a husband and wife.
I am presuming, first, that a husband and wife are both believers. For the Bible says, “Do no be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” If a spouse is not a believer though, there are specific principles given to that circumstance. We will assume the former for this post/series.
Understanding marriage as a “one-flesh” covenant:
“Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” “What did Moses command you?” he replied. They said, “Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away.”
“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied. “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” Mark 10:1-12
The terms and duration of a marital covenant are set by God: 1. one man, one woman, becoming one flesh and 2. for life
It’s our starting point. It has to be. God said it. When and if we desire to obey God more than we desire to fulfill our own desires, this one definition would radically what our marriages look like.
Test your thoughts…
- Do I view my marriage as a bond that cannot be broken? One that GOD has joined, not a minister?
- One flesh can only be made two by a tearing apart and resulting death. Do I view my marriage covenant that seriously?
- Do I understand that the marriage covenant is meant to be a picture of Christ’s covenant with His bride?
A friend said, “I just can’t forgive him again.” (The sin was not adultery.) And I asked her, “would you forgive the offense again if your child committed it? Your mother? Your sister?” “Yes” was the answer. This woman was not viewing her marriage the way God does. She was not “one flesh” with her husband.
Someone said, “we should view our marriages like a house where once entered, the door is bricked up and any conflicts just have to be worked out”. Sound harsh? Well, it’s in essence what Jesus was saying exactly.
Are there exceptions? Yes. But I dare say they should be treated with grave caution and careful discernment and counseling. This is not an exhortation to women (or men) to live in abusive situations (properly defined). Marriages can be messy and biblical counsel may sometimes warrant a divorce after separation and every other means available have been offered to restore the relationship and preserve the marriage.
But let’s think rightly, and start rightly. And let’s help others around us do the same. Starting with our children and extending into relationships where we have opportunity, let’s take this matter seriously and help restore marriage to its place of intended glory.
I’ve got several more marriage problems on my mind…will share.
