We know what the research says…”Men are stimulated more by sight and physical stimuli while women respond more on an emotional level–to tenderness (which can be expressed physically), and to what she perceives as sensitivity to her needs.”
The misunderstanding of this fundamental difference is a major obstacle in many marriages. A woman doesn’t understand how a man thinks about sex, so when he’s able to separate the act from the argument they just had an hour ago, she feels hurt and used.
A man doesn’t understand what makes her feel cherished and so it doesn’t make sense to him when she reacts coldly to his sexual advances.
And that’s just one example of how our misunderstanding can affect our marriages.
I was thinking, though, about how wives often hold unfair standards. I don’t know about you, but if I knew my husband was even entertaining the thoughts of viewing pornography–other women who are painted, surgically altered and altogether not real, I would be devastated. I know many women struggle with this because many men struggle. We are, and should be, hurt by this type of infidelity.
But how many times have we committed emotional infidelity against our husbands?
Simply put, for a man to desire to look at another woman’s body hurts us because it means he isn’t satisfied with ours; he is comparing, even if he doesn’t mean to. And in such a case, a wife feels hurt AND the pressure to “be better” than she is.
Have we ever compared our husbands? Have we ever admired a trait in another man and secretly thought, “I wish my husband could be more like that”? Have we read books about men who aren’t real but felt real, and wished we could be the recipient of their tenderness and intuition?
If I am stimulated in an emotional way the way he is stimulated in a physical way, there is no difference between those comparisons. He is simply (though wrongly) admiring qualities that are beyond his grasp. And any comparison we make on an emotional level is virtually the same sin.
May the Lord give us hearts for our husbands only, patience with their faults, remembering our faults as well. Let us see him as God sees him–a work in progress, and commit to doing our part in loving him to his potential instead of wishing him to be things he is not.
If every woman (I’m talking to myself here!) would look at her husband and dwell on his positive traits, encourage him where he is, and determine to be the one person in his life with whom he knows his faults are safe, if he knew she was the one person who saw the best in him, those positive traits would grow and make him a man greater than even he thought he could be.
I’m challenged.
73 comments
My hubby and I celebrated the 28th anniversary of our first date this past Friday. It has had me thinking of the reasons I was first attracted to him. Now our children don’t “date”, but still, I have been thinking back to those days in the beginning.
After 26+ yrs of marriage, I focus all too often on the things that irritate me about him. I need to focus on the facts: he is an extremely hard worker; he comes home at the end of every day, without stopping along the way for entertainment; he takes his family to church; he prays with us every single day; he takes me on dates; he takes his boys hunting and teaches them to work. He is such a great guy!!
I think I should write it all out more often…I’m encouraged!!! Thanks, Kelly!!
Great, great post, Kelly.
It is very true what you say.
This is a great post! I think for myself I try to keep our marriage pure with not having any friendship with other men (beside family member), meaning no email, no facebook, tweeter etc with men that are not related to me, that include blogs etc… Why because I’m a homemaker who’s husband has to work really hard to provide for us, it would be easy to have “friendship” that would compete with my husband and the time that he as to spend away from home.
(I don’t read novel, and have no tv) but I’m even careful with listening to too many sermons online because, because I can idolize what those great pastor are doing and that would be unfair for my hard working husband.
Indeed he can’t minister to us as some other husband that have a job that don’t take him away for most of the day 6 days a week, but instead my husband deserve a wife that has her taught and prayers set on him while he is gone and ready to serve him as soon as he set foot at home!
But this is what works for us and I think what serves my husbands best!
A woman in church gave me a few “Christian” romance novels. I couldn’t even read them(I tried) and told my daughter I was throwing them out. I feel the same way about Jane Austen’s books-except Sense and Sensibility(and the movie-British Literature-12th grade). I don’t want her Pride and Prejudice(book or movie) in our house. I did like Jane Eyre(book and movies) by Charlotte Bronte. We have to be careful about what we and our daughters are reading-even if the books are considered classics-the authors were the romance-novel writers of their day.
Are you saying women shouldn’t wear makeup? Why are you using the archaic term, “painted”? Don’t you wear makeup? Do you really think none of your girls will ever wear makeup? Where in Scripture does it prohibit makeup, anyway?
Why didn’t you just say, “Women who wear makeup, are sugically altered. . . ”
Interesting!
LOL! You crack me up! Um, can’t you see that I and my daughter wear makeup? If you weren’t so eager to dismantle every word I write, you may save yourself from embarassment from time to time. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist answering this one.)
“Painted”…a little history on pornography in the printed industry…most models are airbrushed and “painted” to cover flaws and actually recreate their bodies. That’s what I’m referring to; not makeup.
Janine’s response cracked me up, too, because I knew exactly what you meant and I never can figure out where the negative nellies that pop up on here from time to time get the things they come up with.
But anyway…You have no idea how God just used you to confirm His message about this to me. Praise Jesus for conviction, forgiveness, grace, repentance, and those who stand for The Truth of The Gospel. All from Him.
Excellent post! And I am going to share this part on facebook 🙂
If every woman (I’m talking to myself here!) would look at her husband and dwell on his positive traits, encourage him where he is, and determine to be the one person in his life with whom he knows his faults are safe, if he knew she was the one person who saw the best in him, those positive traits would grow and make him a man greater than even he thought he could be.
What you label “emotional porn,” I consider to be “emotional adultery.” And it happens both ways.
My husband works in an office made up primarily of women. I trust my husband with all of my heart and I know that he barely thinks of his coworkers beyond what tasks he needs to get done. When he first started working there and I’d visit him, some of women, INCLUDING HIS BOSS, would ask me how I felt about him having so many wives at work to nag him and keep him feeling the way he feels at home. I felt punched in the stomach and spoke with him that evening. I haven’t heard those comments since, but wow.
Angela,
“What you label “emotional porn,” I consider to be “emotional adultery.” ”
I actually almost chose that term, as I think it better describes what I’m talking about; I just wanted to equate it to “pornography” because we may not think about that comparison and when we realize the similarities, it’s a bit shocking.
And you’re right…”wow” on the comments.
I see why you made the distinction.
I’m more extroverted than my husband. As a result, my circle of friends is a bit larger than his and does include a few men. I know how much we trust each other as husband and wife. Even so, I do try to keep conversations or meetings with my male friends in a co-ed environment. Same with my work setting. I have several male coworkers who have become friends and mentors since I’m still early in my career. Keeping the conversation on innocuous topics is important. Speaking about one’s family is one thing, but we’re all careful to avoid speaking about our marriages.
I’ve seen a handful of “strong” marriages fail because friendship turned into “emotional friendship” and then led to the decline of the marriage. When a man (or a woman) starts seeing traits in others that they wish their spouse had, it’s a slippery slope.
I know I’m babbling, Kelly, but this topic really strikes a chord with me. I’m not a Christian, so I don’t necessarily see it from a biblical perspective, but it makes good sense for everyone.
So many “wives”? Seriously? That’s like the ridiculous idea that working for a man makes you his “helpmeet”.
Jennifer, I don’t think the point was that they really thought of his co-workers as “wives,” but rather that they were making the equation of all wives being nags, and saying that she’s a nag at home (“making him feel the way he does at home.”) They were not making theological statements, they were being mean and highly uncharitable about their marital life.
You’re absolutely correct, Lori. My husband and I don’t associate with his coworkers outside of work because that comment was just one example of their attitudes and behaviors.
I was shocked the first time I ran across an article talking about “work spouses.” The idea that male/female “teams” of co-workers develop similar “teams” to husband/wife at home, even if it (supposedly) never moves beyond the office. I believe I first saw it on msn, actually. Not much later, one of my husbands co-workers made a joke about their office dispatcher being their “work-wife” and I went BALLISTIC. It’s not funny and it’s not casual and it’s disrespectful to the real wives at home. And, unfortunately, it’s very real.
I had not heard of that term, though I’ve referred to that “phenomenon” before. May have to look that up!
Excellent post. Thank you!
Being the radical I am…grins…I dare to sometimes disagree with the research done by whoever. I like a good debate.
For as many men are on the planet are the number of reasons men look at women. Hold a inked piece of paper up and look at it. This piece of paper with an image on it can cause the blood pressure to rise and the hormones to start stirring. To think that so many are captivated by ink on a page or a image on the computer, tv, movie screen, etc is interesting to say the least. Men’s imagination can go wow when jokes, stories and comments are made. It doesn’t always take graphic porn in visual form…mental thoughts can stir up porn thoughts.
Real life woman can turn their heads. You don’t have to go to the swimming pool to see half naked females…Walmarts has them to look at for free while shopping and pushing grocery carts. The skin is shining for all to see. Hum.
Men are stimulated by words spoken to them as well. These words don’t have to be spoken by an attractive woman either…many are moved by flattery and get interested in the woman speaking their language. It’s music to their ears, minds, souls and bodies. Usually this language is all about how grrrrreeeaaaatttt this particular man is. All about me me meeeeeee. Turns their crank when they can’t get enough of them self. More please…I love talking about me me me.
I do think it’s alright to pray for a protective hedge about their husbands as well as to pray that the husband stay interested in the wife of their youth…rejoicing in the breast of this woman. Is that graphic enough for ya…grins.
We can be fooled by what researchers say and think it’s the gospel about what the differences are in the sexes. Modern contemporary mumbo jumbo can be off the mark when it comes to the fallen nature of mankind. Researchers may know alot…but I know as sheep that have gone astray there’s more to the differences than the researchers will acknowledge.
Many are willing to embrace what isn’t holy. Don’t ignore seducing spirits.
You can be that wonderful wife that is focused on her husband and provides a safe haven for him. He may not be willing to be faithful to this woman no matter how wonderful she is. Praying for wisdom and God’s favor as well as her husband’s favor is needed. Her husband’s wanting to place God first and be the type of husband that God’s wants him to be is a must.
God bless you!
We’re all challenged and with God there can be victory.
Amen.
PS
have fun with your husbands…a good sense of humor goes a lonnnng ways.
“Real life woman can turn their heads. ”
For sure! I hope you don’t think the post was about “the only danger men face with mental adultery”…it’s one reason I think modesty is so important.
I simply compared the print porn to draw a more stark contrast. We think of men who view porn as the gravest of offenders but hardly think anything of ourselves when we compare our husbands. I wanted the contrast to stir us to think more carefully and not be so quick to judge the sins of others when we harbor so much ourselves.
i enjoyed your post.
I don’t see how it’s wrong for my wife to see a man who has had more practice treating his wife in a gentle and chivalrous manner, and wish I could be more gentle than I sometimes am.
I also find it amusing that you paint this whole situation with the broad brush of “sin” without a single Scripture reference to support you. Wish your husband would be quicker to notice when you’re tired or in a bad mood? Sin. Wish your husband were more patient? Sin. Wish your husband always treated you like a princess and could practically read your mind to know exactly what you need? Sin.
I’m sorry, but this mindset is ridiculous. It’s not sinful to wish things were better than they are. Wishful thinking is one thing, discontent is another. It’s not sinful to wish that imperfect people could be less imperfect. Shoot, all those things you see and admire in other men that you wish were present in your husband … they’re just some ways those other men are less broken than your husband (though surely those men are broken in other ways that your husband is not).
Wishing your husband to be more perfect is wishing him to be more like God. And if we’re supposed to constantly grow, like Jesus, “in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man” … seems to me that’s EXACTLY what we’re supposed to desire and work toward.
Wishing our husbands to grow spiritually (i.e. “to be more like God”) has nothing to do with comparing our husbands to other men and wishing him to be like them.
Your comment really doesn’t deserve the dignity of being answered because it misses (purposely or ignorantly?) the clear point (emotional infidelity is, indeed sin, Matt. 5:28*) and attempts to skirt around it and create “jangling of words” instead.
ut I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
“Lust”-a yearning for something one does not have…can be equally applied to a woman, thus, emotional infidelity as I’m referring to in this post is sin, according to Scripture.
I’m not only talking about growing spiritually. Maybe you wish your husband were smarter or stronger … that’s godly (“Jesus grew in wisdom and stature”). I’m not saying it’s good to be discontented with your husband … just that it’s not wrong to desire more from him, to encourage him to keep his body and mind in shape. Man was perfect when God created him. Sin has come along and messed things up, and it’s GOOD to try to look nice for your spouse. “I wish you were exactly like Mr. Johnson” is one thing … “You might want to do something about that potbelly” is quite another.
I think it’s odd that, so far, anyone who has disagreed with this post has been accused of intentionally trying to nitpick words. I am not nitpicking. I am saying that “emotional lust”, if it exists at all, certainly does not consist of pushing out of your mind EVERY person on earth of the opposite sex or acknowledging the fact that, yes, SOME PEOPLE OUT THERE LOOK BETTER OR ARE BETTER SKILLED IN SOME THINGS THAN YOUR HUSBAND. It’s a fact. It doesn’t make you unfaithful to acknowledge that. Maybe Joe Street has this really hot spiky blonde haircut that looks amazing on him, and Hubby could never pull it off with his wispy brown hair. Maybe Bob Nameless has the entire Bible memorized and knows more about theology than anyone else but God, and Hubby has trouble memorizing three verses at a time, much less exploring the differences between pre- and post-millenialism. This doesn’t mean you should pretend Joe and Bob don’t exist … but maybe you should talk to Hubby about doing some memory workshops or taking some theology classes that work for him to help him be a good spiritual leader, instead of pretending he’s perfect. Maybe Hubby should find a hairstyle that looks good on him instead of that awful crew-cut-with-a-rooster-tail that isn’t all that attractive.
I’m not saying you should wish your husband were someone else, or wish someone else were your husband. I’m only saying that admiring other men is not a sin, and if there’s some areas where your spouse could use improvement, it’s not a sin to bring it up.
He’s talking about lusting after the person. Wishing the person was yours. Specifically, wishing to have sex with the person, but perhaps by extension simply wishing to be romantically involved. I don’t think that applies to a situation where one merely acknowledges/admires someone else’s talents or appearance. Even if it means acknowledging the fact that your husband’s personal standards might need reconsidering (“Hun, might want to think about getting rid of that potbelly”).
I think part of Kelly’s point is that “admiring” easily slides right into stronger emotions for women. Respecting other skills and acknowledging other skills is different than “admiring” other skills.
And your points about admiring physical features makes HER point dead on. Physical features should not be something we concern ourselves with admiring on ANYONE, because they are a false representation of the true person anyway. The bible clearly says that we should concern ourselves with the character of our spirit, not with our outward appearance other than to care for ourselves and our physical health as a temple of the Lord.
Sorry, but I had to tack on this addendum.
It almost sounds like you’re advocating that a woman should do nothing about her husband’s faults, since she has faults of her own as well (á la speck in the eye). Maybe your husband doesn’t like to be criticized, but I know I sure want my wife to let me know when she’s less than pleased with me! Marriage is about loving the other person and wanting to please them, which can’t be done if the other person refuses to tell you how you are failing at pleasing them. Marriage is NOT about pretending to live in harmony with someone who constantly gets on your nerves, but not saying anything about it because you know you’re not perfect either. A wise man loves to be corrected (Prov. 9:8); faithful are the wounds of a friend (Prov. 27:6); iron sharpens iron (as your own comment box proclaims, Prov. 27:17).
I guess what I’m trying to say is this.
• If you’re not content with your spouse, it’s probably not ONLY your fault. If there’s an area where you think your spouse needs improvement, discuss it with your spouse. Don’t pretend it doesn’t exist, or simply endure it because you know you’re not perfect either. Wouldn’t you like to be more perfect? Ask your spouse how you can love/serve them better.
• If you’re attracted to someone other than your spouse, it’s still probably not ONLY your fault. They are probably an attractive person, and attraction is not sin. Know that your spouse loves you above anyone else and would never break faith with you, and be sure that your spouse knows the same about you. Don’t pretend women don’t have breasts, or that men aren’t astonishingly wise. Acknowledge that your husband is not the only person God has blessed with wonderful gifts. And appreciate that person for what God has made them. But remember that your spouse is yours alone, and that your spouse alone is yours.
There’s only one reason to shut yourself off from any influence by anyone of the opposite sex. That reason is fear. But perfect love casts out all fear.
Scott,
With all due respect, you seem to be having a simple problem with reading comprehension. You’re suggesting things that the post hasn’t said, and aruging about things that aren’t being suggested.
“Marriage is NOT about pretending to live in harmony with someone who constantly gets on your nerves, but not saying anything about it because you know you’re not perfect either.”
How can you possibly miscontrue “patience with his faults” as a blind ignorance??? Being patient doesn’t mean you don’t share your heart with your husband. The post doesn’t suggest that at all; it’s meant merely to serve to remind a wife to not be so quick to judge his faults, focusing on his positive traits because that WILL make a more pleasant marriage, and he will be more likely to diminish the negative and accenutate the positive by her simple contentment.
Unless you’re able to go back and grasp the heart of the post and discuss that intelligently, I’ll be deleting further comments.
I apologize if it seems I’m intentionally misunderstanding your intent — I’m not.
However, I may be unintentionally misunderstanding your intent — in which case, as a reader, I would recommend taking greater care to avoid ambiguity — if I misunderstand so grossly, I’m sure others might stumble in the same way.
I’m simply concerned (perhaps in vain) for a potential I see here — that women might walk away from reading your post with the idea that seeing and acknowledging and appreciating the good they find in a man other than their husband is effectually the same as having an affair. I’m simply trying to point out that this is not the case.
If you are saying X, and I am misunderstanding you to say Y, and arguing against Y in favor of X, you might at least give me the benefit of acknowledging that you do, in fact, agree with me and that I have simply misunderstood your position … instead of getting defensive and threatening to delete my posts. It’s simple blogger courtesy. 🙂
I would have to disagree that the post is ambiguous and part of that proof is the fact that you seem to be the only one who is confused.
You’ve argued about several different points which are stated no where in the post. You’ve added to my words, misunderstanding or not. I know enough about “blogger courtesy” and I know when someone simply wants to be divisive and I don’t have time for those people.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are not just being divisive. But I would encourage you to perhaps study the post further and comment on what is there instead of making up things that aren’t.
It’s easy to claim that no one else is misled. Most of your commentors agree with you ideologically and have no trouble understanding what you’re saying. But as a new reader of your blog, I’m merely trying to helpfully point out the (mis)understanding that rises from an “outsider’s” reading. Instead of threatening me, you might show at least a little humility and go so far as to respect the idea that I might have something valuable to say.
I see no point in continuing this conversation.
Scott, I’m going to be bold here. You are deliberately misunderstanding and misrepresenting Kelly’s words. You are misleading the conversation and throwing in condescending smileys while you’re at it. Please stop this.
If I am misunderstanding Kelly’s words, you might want to warn Renee (#3 above) that she’s falling into the same pit….
Scott, Renee wasn’t attacking anyone under the guise of “clarity.” As in claiming “There’s only one reason to shut yourself off from any influence by anyone of the opposite sex. That reason is fear” as if that were what Kelly was advocating in her post (or comments) – when she was clearly advocating refraining from setting your desires after other men, even in non-sexual ways, here and there. Thought you were done with this conversation? Or are you really just as contentious as you pretend not to be?
Scott,
I know you said you were done, but i just need to say to you…
Desiring your husband to grow in certain areas is okay. If Mr. Whoever has a certain quality and a woman notices and wishes her husband has that quality…sure that’s normal. BUT, when she notices a certain quality (usually it’s tenderness, deeper conversation, a compliment, feeling cherished, etc) and she thinks about it, and thinks about it, it can easliy turn into emotional adultry. Women are emotional. The problem is when a wife’s heart turns away from her husband because she is getting emotionally fed somewhere else or wishes her husband was like so and so, so much that she harps on his imperfections forgetting his good qualities. It all starts somewhere. That doesn’t mean that every woman will gush at another mans (in real life or in a book) ‘great qualities’. But it can easily happen, when woman aren’t guarding their hearts.
Hopefully, I am not repeating what 900 other people said. If so Kelly, sorry! 🙂
It seems clear to me that “Scott” is a woman.
I thought the same thing
hmm, that didn’t even cross my mind. Maybe you are right!
Do you think this applies to women reading romance novels? Its just fiction but we put a seed of it in our heart to wish for a husband who was a bit like that…. like a work of fiction. Instead of the real man? God created each man differently, just like each woman, we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and yes we do need to strive to be more like Jesus. But is it ok to read a work of fiction, and hope our husband was more like that? Or even watch a movie, and wish your husband was more like that, and had those charecteristics?
Hi, Lena. I’d say it depends on the novel. I’ve read novels WITH romance since I was 12 and think I have pretty good discernment. The ultimate issue is with the heart, because it can be led astray with anything, from Mr. Darcy to Caleb in “Fireproof”.
I think the key is that you should avoid anything that brings you to discontentment with your husband. If a novel makes you wish your hubby was like that, it’s making you discontent with how he IS and I would say steer clear.
If it encourages YOU to be more like the main character or seek after the good qualities it presents, maybe it’s ok. Or if it helps you see that “hey, my husband does that too!” that might be a good thing. I think you have to judge by your response to it, not the book or movie itself. (Talking about Christian books and movies here. Some stuff you should just steer clear of, period.)
It is obvious that we are referring to coveting(Exodus 20:17) and lusting(Matthew 5:28). If a girl or woman/wife reads a novel- a classic(or watches tv/a movie)- and the character marries the tall,dark,handsome and rich guy at the end,those sins may be something that happens in the heart. We need to guard our hearts and minds. Job 31:1-“I made a covenant with mine eyes…” as with the other Scriptures do not just apply to boys and men/husbands. Of course, I am speaking to women because we attend a Baptist church and I do not teach men or greet men with a hug in our church(one church we went to had a little too much hugging going on- and adoring the Pastor-so we left). There is a book at Vision Forum that teaches about replacement words- Little Daisy and the Swearing Class. We do Not use those words in our home-some things are just obviously respectful or disrespectful.
????
Lust is not a yearning for something one does not have. Lust refers specifically to sexual yearnings.
It’s times like that that I think college degrees should be mandatory for all women!
Please examine the definition of lust. Then you’ll see you are wrong. Don’t just make up a definition of lust because you’d like something to be a sin. If it’s not a sin according to Scripture, it can’t be a sin just because you want it to be.
Janine (J, ??? would you please at least use the same fake name so everyone’s not so confused?)
Why do you continually refer to my not having a colleg degree when I’ve told you that I DO have a college degree, though that has NOTHING to do with the extent to which one is educated.
Second, I didn’t make up that definition–I took it straight from an on-line dictionary. And if that isn’t good enough, I think you may be the one who needs to study up:
Studying the verse from 1 John 2:16: “For all that [is] in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.”
Barnes “Notes on the Bible” has this to say:
Two more definition are given from a dictionary, no doubt written by a college graduate:
a. An overwhelming desire or craving: a lust for power.
b. Intense eagerness or enthusiasm
Say something that makes sense or don’t say it.
You beat me to it, Kelly. I was writing out the definition from the Webster’s 1828 and The Free Dictionary online, and I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree 🙂
I won’t be redundant; Kelly is correct.
Jen,
Amazing the things you can learn without a college degree! 😉
Wow. In my K-12school, they taught definitions. I didn’t need to go to college to learn them.
For some people, a college education is their God. My parents are like that. It helps them feel superior to mask insecurities. May Jesus be the only God we get our worth from!
J-or Janine
“It’s times like that that I think college degrees should be mandatory for all women!”
Your mean. That was a nasty thing to say. Apparently they don’t teach good manners in college. And you’ll have to excuse my poor grammar, I was serving my country those four years you were in a nice safe building getting your college degree.
Our reason for not “teaching men” as mentioned in my previous comment is 1 Timothy 2:12-“But I suffer not a womman to teach,nor to usurp authority over the man…” That Scripture reminds me of the tv Christian women celebrities- but their Bibles may say something different.
I don’t know about all women preachers, but I thought most women on tv preaching the bible were meant for women as their audience. To me that is no different than getting guidance from an elder christian woman in my neighborhood or family.
They do say something different, Taryn, from further study. The idea that women can’t teach men is a mass misunderstanding turned into a deception.
Wow Kelly!
I agree with everything you said in your post. I used to do this early on in my marriage at times. I have not done it in years and I can honestly say that my marriage is beautiful. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary last week. I learned early on to bring all my desires before the Lord. The Lord changes people, not us. I learned to try to obey the Lord in what He was calling me to do. I love being married! I agree with Taryn, I am not to teach my husband. I am to love him, submit to him, honor him.
I was convicted about that a while back (emotional pornography). I used to love romance novels. I called them brain-candy and would sit down and read one in an evening. I didn’t think those books were all that great, but I didn’t think they were thaaaaat bad. (I read the more tame ones, not the real bodice-rippers) Then I head a program on Dobson talking about the Twilight Series of books, and they called it pornography for women and all of the sudden it all made sense to me. Like the visual pornography, romance novels do portray a completely unrealistic man and an unrealistic relationship, something that no real man could ever measure up to. For a grown woman with some experience in relationships this is bad enough, but for a young girl to read this (as the Twighlight Series are marketed to young girls) and use this as her measuring stick… it’s no wonder there are so many failed relationships. No man will ever be good enough. And this doesn’t even begin to address the Biblical aspects of the whole thing. Needless to say, I don’t read romance novels anymore.
Amen to that! I knew I didn’t like the Twilight series but I couldn’t put my finger on what exactly made them bad.
As one of my favorite preachers (Dr. Voddie Baucham) would say “If you can’t say Amen, you ought to say Ouch!” I had a real addiction with romance novels before Jesus saved me and the temptation is still there to pick up a “Christian” novel every once in a while – just to unwind or as something “light” as I love digging into theological books which can make your brain feel overful sometimes:) So I’ll say “Ouch” and bring this to the Lord in prayer. Thank you, Kelly, for once again being willing to stand for Truth. Well done, Word Warrior!
Excellent, easy to comprehend post. 😉 I am glad you are bringing it up, most women who are reading these types of books, or watching movies that cause their heart to wander are not aware what is going on.
Great that it is being pointed out!
Oh my, what a lot of nonsense going on here. Kelly I would just delete those posts and pour out your pearls of wisdom on someone willing to take it all in.
I think you can also say something about thankfulness. The devil just loves it when we get into a big pity party about what we don’t have.
Ephesians 5:20 ” Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus CHrist.”
It says to thank HIm for EVERYTHING. So I’ll thank God I have a messy husband when I am picking up all his dirty clothes off the floor, because he could be over in Iraq serving his country with his life in danger everyday. There are many military wives who would do anything to pick up their husbands dirty socks one more time before their husband died giving their life to our country. I’ll think about that he next time I start to have a pity party because my husband isn’t meeting my needs.
I’ve been studying thankfulness with a bible study fro Revive our Hearts with Nancy Leigh De moss, and some of here quotes really get me to shape up my attitude.
“A grateful person is easily contented, while an ungrateful person is subject to bitterness and discontent.”
” A grateful person is a lvoing person who seeks to gratify and bless others, while an ungrateful person is bent on gratifying himself”
That last one really gets me thinking about marriage, we should be always wanting to bless our spouse. Marriage is about blessing our spouse, marriage is not intended to make us happy. We should be bringing happiness to the marriage. We put too much pressure on our spouse to make us happy. That Joy should come from the Lord.
I was listening to Joyce Meyer the other day and she said ” Quit complaining about that spouse you prayed so hard and long for God to provide” Ha!
Great post kelly. I think we really need to guard ourselves against emotional infidelity.
“marriage is not intended to make us happy. We should be bringing happiness to the marriage. We put too much pressure on our spouse to make us happy. That Joy should come from the Lord. ”
I completely agree. Only God can truly make us happy. Seeking perfect contentment from a human as flawed as our own selves is a recipe for disaster. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce
AMEN!!!!couldn’t agree more! Thank you for sharing this. Blessings, jen in al
It’s interesting that Joyce Meyer(infomercial for the Amplified Bible) said that when she is divorced. John Hagee doesn’t teach on marriage since he is divorced(2 children from the first marriage)-he lets his son teach on marriage.That would be like Charles Stanley,Hal Lindsey,etc. teaching on marriage. We had a “missionary”(missionaries aren’t allowed in China) speak at our church-he said it’s difficult for the church in China to grasp that women shouldn’t be teaching men and should be keepers at home with their children. It reminded me of the Mennonites who don’t wear wedding rings. Their missionaries were telling the new converts they had to stop wearing their pagan jewelry and the new converts would point to the missionaries’ wedding rings-so they stopped wearing the wedding rings-and it was the only jewelry many of them wore until then. When the missionary who visited our church told the whole story I then really understood- I won’t comment to men on blogs.
Joyce Meyers husband left her.
Benny Hinn’s,etc., wife left him and divorced him but I don’t think he should teach on marriage in the future. I have a friend who years ago her husband left-he is a good Christian man. She recently told me-it was her fault-“what was I thinking”. She made it so bad for him that he left-she wanted to be with someone else. She is presently married to someone and he has conflict with one of her children. We don’t know what really happens with other people’s marriages. One friend’s husband left her(with 3 children) and he apologized 10 years later telling her it was all his fault-after she had remarried. Another tv Pastor’s wife left him and filed for divorce-his son like John Hagee’s son teaches on marriage-I appreciate that.
Our Baptist church teaches Matthew 5:32-no divorce and remarriage-“except it be for fornication”-KJV-(during the betrothal-FORnication).Many churches take theologian Erasmus’s view and some Bibles have changed the word fornication to the word adultery. We see marriage as a lifetime covenant.
Oh my! What an assortment of comments;-) Thank you for this post. Too bad I wear make-up and I happen to have no college education. I guess I’m a total misfit. I did, however, know the definition of lust… maybe there is hope for me. Haha! Thank you for showing strong character in these replies Kelly.
“and to what she perceives as sensitivity to her needs.””
This part made me think… Woman often don’t realize their way of dress may lead a man’s mind down the wrong path. Men often don’t realize their tenderness/sympathy can lead a woman’s mind down the wrong path. We truly must guard our heart.
First of all
*waves*
Hi Kelly, this is my first time posting. Just so I’m up-front about everything, I’m neither a wife, nor a mother,so I am not particularly qualified to comment on wife-hood and mother-hood although my fiancee says that I’m soon to be the former and one day, if God wills, I will be the latter. Please take my comments with a grain of salt due to my inexperiance, I freely acknowledged that the dreamed of ideal is far from the hard won reality. Anyway…
After reading this post, I hope you don’t mind if I babble on a bit about my thoughts on it.
First of all, I totally get what you are saying about pornography, no women wants to know that her beloved is sexually desiring women who have a beauty that will never be naturally attainable.
However, a big difference that I saw between your comparison of pornography and emotional desiring of other mens traits is that the former is often never attainable but the latter is. That is to say that if I wished my fiancee was more compassionate, that is possible for him to achieve, but if he wishes for my breasts to get bigger then that is impossible to achieve! Not that I am excusing the desiring of other mens traits, or saying that it is right, but I am at this point noting a difference.
Secondly (and granted this may be because of my comprehension issues)you never seem to specify what traits a women may be admiring. For instance, if I saw a man exhibiting great kindness or patiance (such as our Lord Himself) I do not think it would be wrong to hope that someday my beloved may be exhibiting such godly fruit himself, since as the years go by his faith (and mine) would continue to mature, and admirable traits continue to develop.
Unlike breast size or skin colour, the Fruit of the Spirit is something that CAN be grown.
However, if you were meaning men who had a particular personality trait, such as a love for poetry, a charming personality or a quick wit, then I do think it would be wrong for a woman to desire to change her husband. However, I perhaps would argue that the sin would be one of discontment rather than lust if she projected these traits onto her husband rather than desiring the other man.
In other words, if a woman saw a man who loved to talk about cooking, and she thought “wow that is so wonderful, I wish my husband talked about cooking…wouldn’t it be great if he could chat to me about braising a chicken… *smiles happily* … but he doesn’t *sad face*” that would be discontment, which MAY lead to “but this other guy DOES like talking about cooking…I wish he were my husband instead, maybe I shouldn’t have married so quickly…maybe there are men out there better suited to me…I wish I had married him…I could imagine waking up to HIM cooking me breakfast…!” Then that would be lust as she would be strongly desiring to have this other man instead of her husband.
Also, as a final note, admiring good things where you find them is not contrary to God’s word imho. For instance, if I saw a man being honourable, I would not be sinning if I admired that display of honour, thinking “Wow that is great that he is honourable, being honourable is a good thing and something we should all strive for”. Just the same as if my fiance was walking down the street and saw an attractive woman and thought “wow God is good in the way He created beauty, I’m so glad that beauty still exists in this fallen world” and I do not think that that would be sin (unless he then started mentally undressing the aforesaid beauty).
Also, as a final final note, I totally disagree with the differences between men and women emotionally and physically. I know I myself am tempted by physical and visual stimuli just as much as my fiance, and I know that a reason men give for affairs is that the “other woman” gave him emotional support and admired him. I believe that we are all individuals, and so we have different weaknesses and strengths.
You ladies are being ridiculous. Only college-degreed women are permitted to use dictionaries. They aren’t for just anyone. {eyeroll}
hehehe
I do have an A.A. in Liberal Arts, but have always been Providentially prevented from continuing onto a Bachelor’s degree. However, I read quite a bit and learn much from the home education the Lord is graciously allowing me to give my two daughters.
I listened last night to Kelly’s interview with Andrea Schwartz (His Heartbeat for Women). Listen to that and tell me you need a college degree to be used of the Lord! Or speak and think logically, eloquently, and graciously.
It’s unfortunate that so many people tie together “school” with “intelligence.” College degrees are wonderful. But how many people put themselves in financial bondage and end up in a career unrelated to their idolized “degree?” (I was a newspaper reporter before I became a mother and I did as well, if not better, than the kids who had bachelor’s degrees.) How many people put off getting married, buying a home, and having children because they can’t afford it?
I would love to see more Christian business owners get back to an apprentice/journeyman/master model and save our children the unnecessary burden of college debt. I would love to see more affordable, solid–teaching from a Christian worldview and not just having morning chapel before the kiddies go off to their God-hating humanist classes–Christian colleges pop up.
Ultimately, God equips His People to do the work He has set before us.
OK, this post wasn’t about college, but I wanted to comment on that.
Hi Jen,
I absolutely agree with you, one does not need a college degree (in humanities) in order to write or speak eloquently. Nor does one need a college degree in order to learn to think critically. My mother did not have one, yet she taught her children very well.
However, I do believe college degrees (in humanities) show (to your employer) that you have mastered these skills, and that you have the self-discipline that is required to apply them, so whether you apply them at a job that was to do with your original major or not really doesn’t matter as they are general, transferable skills.
That is not to say that one cannot master these skills independently of college, I certainly believe one can, and one should, but employers need proof these days that you HAVE mastered these skills, hence the college degree.
My personal belief is that the government (and here I am talking about my own country which is far, far away from the US of A) should financially assist those who wish to learn things which will be of practical use to society (Doctors, Scientists, Builders, Chefs…) and should only provide a small amount of scholarships to those who wish to study the humanities, in order to rule out those who are getting a degree because “that’s what you do after high-school and philosophy sounds pretty cool dude”. I believe this would strengthen the economy, at least in my country, which basically relies on trade.
In saying that, I myself am a student of the humanities (because I wish to teach history one of these days), and would just like to say that I have not found the majority of my classes to be God-hating, and I am attending a secular university. God doesn’t tend to come up very much at all, so perhaps in my place of study, the proper term would be God-ignoring 😛
Hi Hannah:
Thanks for your thoughtful response, and best wishes with your own college/university studies. History is a fascinating subject.
I do not want to further derail Kelly’s post, which is not about college at all, so I will refrain from making specfic comments about what you said.
I should have put Titus 2:5(KJV) after-“keepers at home”.
hi – just found your blog, on recommendation from a dear friend! The way I see this, is that comparing your husband to other men that having something he may not have, is being discontent. It says in the NT to be content with such things as ye have – that would include your husband! 😀 Invariably, I tend to look at other men and think that I am thankful I have MY husband, not that he should be like them!!!! Blessed, indeed! 🙂
I agree with you Caroline! I am blessed too!
I too am blessed to have a great husband. I usually see other men and thank God for the one I have. I don’t often see men with characteristics I would want in a husband. But I understood the point of your post. In fact, it doesn’t have to be another real person you are desiring, but maybe a made-up mind fantasy that throws your thoughts in the wrong direction.
Just tonight my husband and i had a fight about pornography. He has promised that it is out of our lives , but it keeps popping up everywhere. Some of these fights become so intense I get scared he may hit me ( and he has threatened) . I know my husband loves me and I know that he is my whole world. After reading this I realized that even though he watches porn I too have looked at men and thought hmm he has great eyes or hair or he looks at his wife the way jon used to look at me. I too am at fault and now I need to know how to fix this marriage.
thought this was good at first, then it got really stupid. Its not okay for a man to admire another woman when he is married. Yes they might be “hardwired” to look but when they sense that they should look away. You say “he’s simply admiring something out of his grasp”… why is it out of his grasp? Because he was married? If so that gives me the sense that a man could start to resent his partner, because the woman he’s busy “admiring” is only out of his grasp because his wife/partner is in the picture.