I love the community that has grown here, particularly as we get to know each other through comments. I also love the way the comments allow all of you to share your wisdom and insight so that Generation Cedar becomes a multi-dimensional place.
In light of that, I thought it would be fantastic if we all wrote a post together, so to speak, through the comments. I want you to offer your best ideas for blessing your husband and growing your marriage. It can be tiny or monumental.
Our marriages can so easily falter under the weight of all that we do in a day. But a thriving home has a growing love between the husband and wife at its core. Sometimes our marriages can suffer over something as simple as daily neglecting the smallest things that once maintained our interests.
So, let’s get busy encouraging one another and reminding each other of ways to grow our marriages.
I love you all!
44 comments
I always kiss him like I mean it, too often we can get caught up with househols duties and children, and we give him a little peck. I try to always stop what I am doing and really kiss him 😉 Never let him walk out the door without saying “I love you.”
I. love. that. See, simple and yet really, really big.
I’ll add on to what Susan said: my husband always kisses me when he leaves the house, and kisses me when he comes back in. OK, maybe not back in if he’s only been gone 10 minutes, but you get the point. I make sure I return the favor, because it’s important to him.
Is this an assignment? 😉
Yes ma’am it is. 😀
Okay, I’ll try to be a little more serious now, and since I’m often lengthy in my comments, how about I try short(er) and sweet this time? 🙂
Pray for him.
Trust the Holy Spirit’s working in him.
Read The Five Love Languages and identify what his love language is. Then go about serving him in the language he speaks.
Related to the preceding: If he doesn’t read the book with you, don’t be upset with him if he’s not speaking your love language. (Speaking from experience here. Ahem.)
Communicate your needs and desires, and enjoy watching how he meets them in his unique way. 😉
Praise him in public and in private. If you’ve got a hard-working man, for example (like I do), then let that be known. Make sure he knows you appreciate his good character qualities, and shout them from the rooftops to everyone else! (Unless he doesn’t like that, LOL!)
And finally, HAVE FUN TOGETHER!! You know, something like swimming pools at midnight and…well, you fill in the details. 🙂
Laugh. Listen. Learn. Love. Be intentional and observant, and enjoy watching the years grow into decades as your love deepens and becomes more mature, being heirs together of the grace of life.
ok..6 Arrows too ALL my ideas..lol..
I will however will second reading “The 5 Love Languages.” I was Blessed enough to have my husband not only watch an Oprah Life Class( I believe) with the author about the book…we also both took the online quiz and went over one another’s answers. I DID actually read the book.
It was a real eye opener to him that if your “love language” is not “Acts of Service” than all the vacuuming and laundry and dishes and Target runs in the world will NOT fill my “love tank” like say “Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch” do. This helped us immensely.(Although I do appreciate the aforementioned immensely )
Complimenting your spouse in private and in front of others(especially your children)
If your husband is doing something for the family.. like say make dinner…let him do it HIS way. Don’t hover. I have to accept the fact he makes the pancakes different than i do and only 6 at a time instead of 12 smaller ones:)
We pray together nightly. In bed. Before we fall asleep.This way we see what is on each others heart
I ask my husband each evening if HE has anything he wants to accomplish the next day. So often he puts my walks, and grocery shopping and trips to the gym before anything he may like to do. I have been making him take his run before I go for a walk on some days.
SHARING!!!! I ask about his patients at work. I talk about blogs I read. We then discuss what we thought about the post I read. It’s more fun than discussing politics:) Debating blog topics that is..lol
We text…ALOT. We have very young children and one with very severe special needs. We are unable most of the time to speak to one another for more than a few minutes at a time as we home school and have to keep tabs on special needs child at all times. When i go on a walk i may touch base via text about what we may do for fun that eve with the kids, how about an ice cream trip, ask when he is going to Target next..lol
I really love to see the funny/loving emoticons he choses to use.Also since he is an ER Dr it is nice to send him pics and have us “touch base” a few times a shift via text. This really helps us BOTH feel connected. I know many who do not talk to their husbands at all while away at work.
We always have at least an hour together in the eve after kids go to bed to just chill together(if he is home from work) This time means alot to us.He will often text “I can’t wait until couch time tonight!”
Liz–These are so good, as were 6 arrows. Even little things like you mentioned your husband telling you he was looking forward to being with you. Don’t we so often forget how meaningful that is? I’m wondering if sometimes the difference in a mediocre marriage and fantastic one is the really small things that are so easy to forget.
Sorry I stole your ideas, Liz 😉 but GREAT expounding on the details!
So neat how you and your husband keep connected with each other through texting while he’s at work. My husband calls home each night at least once, sometimes twice, and the first thing out of his mouth is “How’s it going?” His mind can be very occupied with his work responsibilities, but he always first asks how it’s going for me. A good reminder for me, as is your example of asking your husband about his patients, to remember to ask my hubby about how things are at work for him. Usually I’m thinking about what the kids are up to.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading your comment, Liz. 🙂
When times get tough, and they will, remember what made you friends in the first place. Recalling why you were attracted to each other will give you a fresh perspective, and bring to mind the good qualities you saw when you first met.
Of course, as I’ve said repeatedly, it helps to be married to a sexy stud, with whom I’m still smitten after decades of marriage.
That, though, is made possible by God’s grace alone. He’s a sinner and I’m a sinner, but God’s grace makes it work.
Reading others’ comments about talking to the hub during work made me think of this: honor his wishes. My husband works third shift at a prison, and he very much prefers to forget about work when he leaves the facility. So if I ask a lot of questions about his night at work, he gets annoyed.
Respect is a big one for guys. Honoring his wishes, considering his feelings and desires and saying kind things about him all contribute to respect. I actually think being respected isn’t that big a deal, but being actively DISrespected definitely is.
Sex. Try not to make excuses for not being available. Resentment can build in this area pretty quickly.
And AMEN to the Love Languages!! Loving according to the other person’s language makes them feel loved; insulting or neglected them in their language makes them DOUBLY hurt. Forgetting a birthday gift for a non-gift person would probably be a small infraction; forgetting for a gift person would cause real pain.
My husband also works the third shift at a prison (his is with teenagers) and he doesn’t like to talk about it either. It is a respect thing 🙂 I would love to hear what happened during his night, but I understand it is stressful and he has already left it there. It isn’t easy being a wife to a husband working that kind of job! I feel for you!
Thanks, Susan! It’s important to sense when hub is cranky and GIVE HIM SPACE. My needs can (usually) wait.
Well my husband works from home which is such a blessing so rather than texting, I try to go to his office and rub his shoulders once or twice when I have a minute. Or just give a kiss and a ‘how’s the morning?’ Seriously so blessed to have him in the building!
Also, talking after kids are in bed is great and praying each night before we fall asleep is WAY important to me.
He loves it if I’ll bring the kids and hang out with him while he’s working outside too — he’s almost always doing some handy-man project on the house…. And making his favorite meals a part of our dinner plans frequently means a lot to him too. I think you kind of have to read your man and try to do what matters to HIM.
I’m FINALLY starting to see how terrible my “persuasiveness” is with him. Usually if I calmly share my thoughts and then drop it he will take my advice much more seriously.
1. Besides pray for him, tell him you’re praying for him and ask his prayer needs often. I find I am surprised at what he may say and know if he actually says something, it is important.
2. Don’t nag. Just don’t. Treat him like an adult, the authority figure that he is.
3. Don’t put him down to other people, ever. I don’t want him to speak my ills to others, and likewise him.
4. I am blessed my husband is not a picky eater. If he doesn’t like something though, which is super rare, I don’t make it again. No more lentils in this house. LOL.
5. Ask often what I can do to help him. My husband rarely says anything when I ask but I want him to know I’m available.
6. Create traditions. We both look forward to these and they are truly “ours” as they weren’t from either sides of our families. I could get into these more but each family should have some of their own.
7. Have a few surprises up your sleeve. A homemade apple pie, iron a couple shirts if you don’t usually, extra time for intimacy, something! This keeps you both on your toes.
8. Serve together. Whether in formal ministry of something informal, working together for the Lord is a great blessing. I enjoy it much more than doing something alone (though do that too as making meals)
Oh my, forgive all my typos…I could correct them here but afraid I will just add more on accident 😉
Good stuff, Shannon!
Even on really little things I’m starting to ask him more and more, “What do you think about this?”
After all these years, even when I thought I knew what he would say, he surprises me.
I’ve also learned to start saying, “I’ll just go with what you want to do.” This has required me to be very deliberate in surrendering my preferences about small things, as I’ve tended to want to do most things my way. Now I just feel free to go with *his* flow… it’s been incredibly liberating. It often ends up that he’s so thankful for my participation in his preference that he turns around and blesses me back in some unexpected way!
I’ve always done a few things… (Married 7 years, a couple for 12 years.)
1. NEVER complain about your husband to other people (Only complain to God, and then only occasionally) …husband bashing is demoralizing to men, and it erodes your love and respect for your husband. Not to mention, it makes it hard for whomever you are complaining to to respect your husband. As a follow on to this, if you constantly think negatively of your husband (even without sharing it) it will also erode your marriage. So try to focus on positive things. If you think something negative, think of two positives to counteract it.
2. If there is a minor annoyance – do NOT nag – zip your lips! Just offer it up to God, and ask God/the Holy Spirit to help you deal with it, change you or change your husband. Constantly nagging him about leaving the toilet seat up, or not washing the knives, or whatever, is petty and it will again erode your marriage.
3. Realize there is more than one way to do something. Just because your honey doesn’t do it your way, doesn’t mean it is wrong. My mom always said “there is more than one way to skin a cat” kinda gross when you think of what it means, but basically there is more than one way to do something.
4. I hug and kiss my husband before he leaves each morning and when he gets home. And I make sure I tell him at least once a day “I love you” and mean it when I say it.
5. One I am still working on doing/learning… don’t refuse sex often (Only if you are sick, or too tired to keep your eyes open). It is the way men give/receive love and affection. I’m still working on this one… my drive is lower, but if I go along anyway… I usually get in the mood pretty quick. 😉
6. Also, a trick learned from my mother… if you are late in getting dinner ready (for whatever reason), just sautee some onions. When husband comes home, he will smell them and think dinner is on the way and be happy. He doesn’t need to know you are making a quick something because you are behind schedule. 🙂
Guess I had more than a few… 🙂
I just finished reading a very good secular book. I don’t agree 100% with it, but the author has some good examples of ways women can support their husbands and marriages. It is, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. After reading it, it reinforced some things I am doing “right” and gave me ideas to improve in others.
This is wonderful! My sister will be getting married soon… I will send her over here to read this. 🙂
Clara,
You have some great ones here, especially the first when you mention the danger in having negative thoughts. We underestimate the power of the mind. What you say is SO true.
Also, I wrote a post about Laura’s book a while back–I loved it! Here’s the post if you’re interested: http://generationcedar.com/2007/06/proper-care-feeding-of-husbands-part-1.html
Thanks Kelly! I will check out that post.
Oh I love this idea, and have enjoyed reading all the comments! I just met with my accountability group of girls which is led by my pastor’s wife. It is such a vision of Titus 2! One thing we talked about this week was how we NEVER see any fruit from nagging! Obviously, there will be things that frustrate us at times about our husbands . . . he works too much or he can be lazy, he is unorganized or his expectation for our organization is too high, the list could go on. No matter what it is we will never change him through nagging. We are responsible for our actions and serving our LORD. We must love our husband even if they never change. We do this because it is how we honor the LORD! Of course we should also pray for our husbands, and one of the best things to do is encourage and praise them for the good stuff! For instance, my husband is a hard worker, but I have noticed lately he is really trying to prioritize our family and spend time with us before starting on a project around the house! This means SOOOO much to me, and when I told him that the other day he beamed! This method works better than nagging everytime! 🙂
Watch Love and Respect – the DVD’s together. Whenever you are unsure of how to show respect, watch that DVD again… and again… and again.
I read this post yesterday but just needed some time to think. There are some ABSOLUTELY Great Idea’s here!
This just comes at the perfect time because we just learned that a Dear friend has left her husband after 30 yrs. of marriage. A Christian wife and mother with two grown daughters and an 11 yr. old son. We have all been grieving and praying!
She has cut our hair in our home for the last 17 years. We have laughed, cried, and prayed for each other’s families. Every six weeks she has come for the last 17 years and we have shared our joys, burdens, and struggles. I’m about to get personal here.
Last November, while cutting our hair, I noticed she was being extremely flirty with my husband. We have known her for 20 something years. She has recently lost an incredible amount of weight and looks really good. My husband is a handsome man and a very attentive husband and father. She knows this. She was unable to cut his hair at the time because he had stitches on his forehead so she told him to just stop by her house on his way home from work one night.(We have all been known to do this in the past when someone wasn’t home when she came to do our hair)..
After she left- I told my husband..”You are NOT going to her house alone”. I have NEVER said this before. He completely agreed with me and took one of our kids when he went. I watched her over the last few months and wondered if I would have to tell her not to come anymore. She was a dear friend. She had also homeschooled her oldest daughters and son for a while. Long story short-She left her husband and children last weekend. Her two daughters are grown with one married but she left behind an 11 yr.old son.
So I share this to say that All the things you all have shared are Great!! They have encouraged me Tremendously at this time.
I would also say that after 31 years of marriage and looking back over the years that even really good Christian marraiges go through hard times where you are hurting or vulnerable about something.
The only thing I could add to all this great advice is Don’t keep secrets from your husband. Let him know what you want and need. You can let him know without nagging. Ask the Lord for wisdom. He will give it to us freely!! Help keep each other accountable. My oldest son just asked me if I had any old boyfriends on Facebook. I was honestly able to tell him NO I don’t. Be careful of all the social media that is out there. It’s so easy when your children are little to use that as a means to communicate to people instead of the real thing. I am SO GLAD it wasn’t as available when my children were small. Be Careful. Share your heart desires with your HUSBAND only.
Well, that is it for now. Love all your comments and advice and Kelly I hope you and your family are safe while you are in Colorado!
Keri,
You make an important point: no marriage is above temptation/disaster. We still have to guard ourselves and cannot take our supposed security for granted.
This one made me so sad. Thanks for sharing and reminding us to always guard our marriage, no matter how strong it may seem.
My encouragement is to those whose marriages aren’t so great, and for women who are married to a non-Christian. I married my husband when I was riding the fence in my walk with the Lord. I just wasn’t committed, and I thought that marrying a non-Christian man would be okay. Now, of course, I can’t believe I thought that, but I did. Yet, when I woke up, things were not pretty, and truly, they still aren’t, but I am different! I would say to those whose marriages are struggling, seek the Lord FIRST, with all your heart. Pour out your heart to Him and let Him heal you with every hurt, so that He can show you how to be a wife that your husband needs. It is tough work, but worth it in the end for the whole family. I would also say that no matter what, trust God’s covenant with you in your marriage. If it is His will, and there has not been adultery, then He will slowly carry out a work in your husband. It may change things to push him to God, but trust in the Lord’s sovereignty and grace; press into Him during seasons of grief. Sometimes the change is not as drastic as you think it will be, and other times, you will wonder why the Lord has allowed certain things to happen. No matter what, trusting in Him, and His plan for your life is key to finish the race.
Kim,
What a beautiful word. I hurt for you and for the many friends of mine in struggling marriages. But I’ve also seen women like you who persevere and “lean into Him”, as you said, shine forth and demonstrate an incredible picture of the gospel through your faithfulness.
I would say be careful how you try to bless your husband. I have tried getting encouragement from other women on ways to have a more joyfilled marriage and ended up applying ideas that made our marital relationship worse.
For instance, my husband does not want to be excitedly hugged and jumped upon and welcomed home the way many father’s appreciate when they get home after along day. My husband hatea spontaneity so any off the cuff ideas ti excite our life turn into added stress for him. He does not appreciate being expected to be intimate late at night when he is worn out and already dreading a super early wake up time. These all sound negative but really it has been sanctifying to me to crucify my spontaneous flesh and cultivate the more disciplined and organized qualities that he enjoys. I get very bored but he doesn’t, and if I am truly submitting to him doing things his preferred way, and not manipulating a situation trying to get it my way, ultimately my act of obedience will help my marriage and bless my man. I have also learned contentment in having married a man who so different from me, its always a good thing in the end! At least one of us is steady!
If any marriage should have ended long ago, it should have been mine. Thankfully my husband chose to stay when most men would have left.
I would have to say what really did the most destruction were my own insecurities. What came into that was a massive amount of jealousy and lack of trust from me. He never gave me any reason to not trust him, I just came from a past that taught me to never trust men. Thank you Jesus for bringing a real man into my life who is faithful.
I struggled to believe that my husband truly does love me and isn’t interested in someone else. I have also been so hard on myself, thinking I had to look perfect, when he loves me just the way I am. In fact, I’m pregnant with our 6th baby. I have always dreaded pregnancy in that I feel like our love life gets put on hold when I’m further along. So naturally I feel even more fearful and insecure. But this time around he got ahold of me and looked me in they eyes and said, “I love you, and when you think I don’t love you, I love you, and when you feel like I don’t love you, I love you.” I don’t deserve him. But through 13 years of marriage, I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. My husband unfortunately for him has been my counselor, but he is also my best friend. I have learned that I can and need to share my heart completely with him alone. He is my “soul mate” so to speak.
The most important thing in my marriage has been to let go of what the world thinks, to let go of what I think, and to only truly care about what Jesus thinks, and then of course what my husband thinks. If he says he loves me, then he loves me…if he says he likes how I look then he really does. I have made him out to be a liar when he never was. He just never was able to convince me. I had to learn to trust. Wow, I have had to learn to trust.
He has asked me to just be myself, to be real. He is very good at drawing the deepest things out of me so that I can truly deal with my “demons”. It’s been a long process of us going through the real tough arguments and me being willing to open up about the deepest things in my heart. But if any marriage wants to be healthy and close, it takes being willing to go down the hard road of honesty, which takes a tremendous amount of HUMBLENESS. It’s been so hard to show my weaknesses, but it has only caused us to be at the point of complete closeness, nothing is hidden between us, because we only want the honest truth from each other. And learning this balance with respect and gentleness.
My husbands mother told him when we got married, “be like a bulldog, and never let go”. 🙂 He has been faithful to do this with God’s help.
Also I have been learning that it’s sooo important to LISTEN. Listen when our children talk with us, listen when our husbands talk with us. Slow down our own selves to listen to their hearts and minds.
And another thing…don’t be fake, don’t be legalistic, don’t be holier than thou, and don’t be offended. If your husband feels like he can be real with you without being judged, but feels like he can like Proverbs says, can safely trust you with his heart then that will break down walls.
And one last thing, we are NOT in a COMPETITION with our husbands. WE are team mates. 🙂 WE are there to sharpen each other and help each other through life. 🙂
Kristi,
I loved this so much. Especially the part about helping him feel like he can be real. I’ve struggled with this a lot. Being critical or just saying things that came across to him that way (even over little stuff like how he drives) and I know that builds walls.
Kelly,
Thank you for opening up the floor for anyone to share on this subject today. It was very therapeutic for me to write out my thoughts. Your blog is very challenging and encouraging. 🙂
1. Find out what he wants and needs. Ask him. Figure it out by his family history and traditions. Then make it your job to be his helpmeet fulfilling his wants and needs.
2. Don’t avoid his sexual advances. On the contrary, respond positively to them. If you are tired or sick, you can still tease and play without having to commit the s*x act. Don’t ever say “no” with your words or actions, but give him hope for a future encounter.
3. Smile. (That is soooo hard for me. I came from a very serious family and I have a hard time smiling when I am stressed or busy, which is often with a family of 4 kids at home.) I practice in front of the mirror. It completely changes one’s countenance even if you are not feeling it. The emotions follow the actions.
4. Encourage him. However way he needs it. My DH is going thru some professional struggles at the moment. The other day he told me he was afraid I would think he was a failure. I had to reassure him that I think he is a hard working fantastic husband and dad.
5. Find his love language and make sure you express love to him in his language every day. My husband loves to have his back scratched and rubbed. So every night, he will come to me take his shirt off and I will rub and scratch his back while I read blogs on the internet. It makes him happy and it doesn’t cost me a thing.
There is more but basically your husband is your best friend. Get to know him and bless him each and every day!
There have been a lot of great ones. For me, it has a lot to do with contentment and expectations. We all come in to marriage with certain expectations, especially if we’ve been exposed to a lot of television and read novels (romance novels or not). There are a lot of worldly ideas of romantic love and what marriage should look like and I think that most of that is extremely unrealistic. Yet, a lot of people thing their marriage is over if they don’t “feel” that same rush and have all the same courtship stuff going on 4-5 years into a marriage. Women compare their lives to the lives of others (in books and tv) and want that, and invariably their own marriage and husband come up lacking. I try to give thanks daily for my husband who is a good and faithful man, for my children and my life. And I work on being content.
There have been a lot of great ones. For me, it has a lot to do with contentment and expectations. We all come in to marriage with certain expectations, especially if we’ve been exposed to a lot of television and read novels (romance novels or not). There are a lot of worldly ideas of romantic love and what marriage should look like and I think that most of that is extremely unrealistic. Yet, a lot of people think their marriage is over if they don’t “feel” that same rush and have all the same courtship stuff going on 4-5 years into a marriage. Women compare their lives to the lives of others (in books and tv) and want that, and invariably their own marriage and husband come up lacking. I try to give thanks daily for my husband who is a good and faithful man, for my children and my life. And I work on being content.
I have found that I must not put my husband in the place of God. Yes, we can help to meet one anothers needs, but I can never meet all of his needs and he can never meet all of my needs. If I expect to always feel completely loved, treasured, appreciated, etc… I WILL be disappointed and angry/bitter.
I am thankful for the relationship that I have with my husband, but I am often compelled to run to the Lord when I am feeling misunderstood, when my deepest needs are not met by my husband. This is the grace of God. God forbid that we would ever depend fully on another person, rather than depending fully on our all-sufficient, all-knowing, almighty God! He is our only Rock!
I have found that when I am running to the Lord, instead of trying to manipulate my husband to meet these needs, our relationship is so much richer. I am free to focus on how to bless him instead of focusing on what he should be doing for me.
Bless you all and thank you for your advice!
Natalie–such a very, very important point. But so hard to remember! I admit I expect a lot from my husband in the needs department. I think I’ve improved over the years, but still so far to go. Going to the Lord instead…such wise, sound wisdom.
I agree with you, we will NEVER meet each other’s needs completely. Only the Lord can!
My comment about being my husband’s helpmeet was about being about his business not mine. A lot of wives today are so busy taking care of their own interests that they forget that they should be in service to their husband. They are so worried about their careers and children, that they forget their second duty (first to the Lord!) is to their husband not someone else or thing.
Marriage is a learning process.
I feel like I have no real wisdom to pass along here, maybe in 20 years I will, but I will say…never, ever compare your husband to someone else’s. The grass is NOT greener on the other side, it’s just the lighting.
I apreciate your wisdom, however… some of us don’t have a loving husband — only a thoroughly selfish, manipulative, intentionally unresponsible (passive agressive) grown-up man-child (if you’re married to one, you’ll know what I mean):
The Lord said: ” My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness…” (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Whenever I wish I had someone who loved me like a real god-fearing husband should, I know I deserve even less. And He gave me three lovely children…
Magriet,
I am painfully aware of this reality and it breaks my heart. When I see it up close and personal, especially, and I can do nothing to fix it. My heart aches for you and I can only trust (and truly I know) that God will ultimately make all things right and work out even the deepest heartache for your good. Whispering words of comfort for you…
Thank you for your kind words, Kelly. This trial definitely brought me nearer to Him. Life’s sadness is only a moment compared to the eternity of His Grace.
Backrubs…it’s my go to when I’m wanting to bless him.