Maybe I’m reading too far into this, but I have just noticed a trend among new mothers–particularly young ones, that seems to go hand-in-hand with our mindset of detaching with young children. (I know it’s not a new trend, but maybe I haven’t given it much thought until now.)
I was meeting with a bride and her mother and grandmother today–for about 30 minutes. When they arrived, they retrieved a bulky–one of those heavy-duty–strollers out of the car. The bride placed her 1 month old baby in the stroller, and then lugged it up the stairs and into the room where we met.
The grandmother announced, “I just came to help with the baby”. The baby remained in the stroller the whole time and when she whimpered, the mother would stick a bottle in her mouth.
Small incident, I know, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how odd it seemed to me. Why go through all the trouble with that huge stroller when there were three of them to hold the baby, who at 1 month was really easy to handle?
Why not hold the baby?
And of course we have all kinds of gadgets to entertain baby–bouncy seats, jumpy seats, twirly seats–I’ve heard it called “plastic mothering”, and I’ve just recently given it more serious thought.
Not that I never placed my child in these! Of course I have. But to make it the default position, even if it’s more trouble, was what piqued my curiosity.
Is it part of the “detachment syndrome” we are seeing where mothers jet back to work and leave behind their 6-week old behind? Which came first? The leaving, or the detaching? Is it detaching at all?
Just curious about your thoughts…I’m open.
61 comments
One of my first genuine thoughts was: “you can’t do anything with a baby hanging on you” Pathetic, isn’t it? Exactly why I plan to have one of those little “baby bags” you have pictured there 🙂 Sadly, I have heard that from more than one mother, some remark about a little one hanging on them, how they can’t get anything done. And, sadly, I’ve never given that much thought before. Sometimes the mothers sound down right angry that their littles want their attention. God bless their little hearts. They just want to be held, but Mommy doesn’t have time.
I’ve seen similar scenarios – and many babies with flat heads probably caused by this sort of parenting. It always makes want to pick up and cuddle the baby. I just recently made myself a baby sling so that when our next little one arrives I won’t be lugging a car seat everywhere like I did with my daughter.
When my daughter was littler I often got much more done with her in a carrier. If I tried to put her down, I would have to interrupt what I was doing so often to take care of her that it wasn’t worth it.
I am always confounded by things like that when I am in the US. Over here in Japan, where I have had all of my kids, I never see that. One good reason is that we don’t have space for all those gadgets! I guess that’s a good thing, since Japan is following the negative parts of modern American culture in most other areas, including more mothers going back to work — and much earlier than before.
PS I have you in my blogroll, and I requested to be put on your link list back when you had a post about that, but I don’t see me on there.
I actually found some of these ‘gadgets’ too cumbersome, like the stroller you mentioned, to be bothered with when my daughter was an infant. My husband called me the one-armed bandit, because I carried her in one arm and did everything else with my free hand. It comes down to what we accept as normal.
I remember everyone telling me to let my daughter cry and not hold her so much when she was a baby. I am so glad I never listened to them. We have a strong bond that I don’t see between so many mothers and children. And even at almost 8 yrs old, she still loves to be held and cuddled.
I think you are on to something with this post. I can’t quite put my finger on the issue but I do think part of it is modern laziness. Everything must be convenient, effortless. And I do think the feminist mindset encourages moms to be detached from their babies, you know, because they have to have a life of their own after all.
I saw a show once that was done in Peru and it showed the women walking somewhere with their toddler in a carrier on their back. It just looked so natural and easy for them. I kind of laugh imagining those crowded places clogged with strollers instead!
My name is Dana, by the way, posting using my husband’s google account. 🙂
I wonder if it’s a regional thing. Where I live in the Pacific Northwest, mothers of all demographics are likely to co-sleep, exclusively breastfeed their children, and use infant carriers to stay attached to their babies. The mothers that I know who did this (and I’m one of them) usually looked more well-rested and were able to get more work done around home and around town. Those who relied on gadgets and gizmos to keep their babies entertained or to carry them everywhere always seemed to be more rundown and (more often than not) would incredulously ask me, “How on earth do you get anything done at home??” Easy, I’d reply: I strap my baby on and get to work!
~Bethany
Slightly tangential to the topic, I recommend anyone who’s interested in wearing their babies check out the ERGO baby carrier.
I discovered this with baby #7 and wished I’d had it for all my little ones. And I make no money from the ERGO company 🙂
This is interesting to me because of the whole “Attachment Parenting” philosophy which, I guess, is the opposite of this. Are you familiar with this parenting style?
I don’t want to get into it that much because it’s somewhat of a hot-button issue but I find some of it’s claims to not work for me, such as co-sleeping.
Anyway, I just want to know how to deal with the back pain that results from carrying a baby often because I have been dealing with that. It will be a while before mine can walk but he’s just so big for his age.
I think it gets easier the more children you have. With my oldest, I was used to having a nice clean home with all the laundry folded. I thought it would stay that way….so I tried all kinds of things (bouncy seats, etc) to get him to be content so I could get more done. It reminds me now of going on a diet (and how you constantly think of food). You become obsessed with a spotless house so you are constantly thinking about laying that kid down so you can get back to work.
I think the more you get used to parenting, the more relaxed you become and accustomed to your new life. You eventually realize that it’s o.k. and good to just sit and cuddle.
And a lot of moms do not even realize that if they would only relax and enjoy that baby, they too would be happier.
Catherine, I remember those back aches! I think your back takes awhile to adjust and build up muscles you didn’t know existed.
I do practically everything with my baby in a sling. I can chase around all the other children and get my chores done and she’s happily sleeping near my heart.
I can’t stand seeing babies being hauled around in carseats. They are CAR SEATS–for use IN THE CAR! ARGH!!! Anyway….
Catherine asked about the back pain…
you need a properly made and properly worn sling and you won’t have the back pain, I’ve found. I’ve used a Maya Wrap for years because they are so easy to use and very comfortable. (I’ve also have several other brands, but none are as good as the Maya.) But with this baby I’ve decided to branch out and try the Moby Wrap. It’s AMAZINGLY comfortable and rides on both shoulders and has back support and it’s essentially just a long piece of material properly wrapped. Incredible really.
Daja, That is awesome. I had those cheap ones you get from Walmart. My back hurt constantly. But I didn’t wear them as much as you do either. I wish I had one of those when my babies were little.
I find it so sad to see people doing almost anything to avoid holding their baby, they depend on these gadgets far too much and I think a lot of it comes from the fact that so many women haven’t been around babies before they have their own and so don’t have a clue of what to do with them and don’t have a support network of older/more experienced mums to look to for advice. When I had my first I had never even held a baby – I was completely clueless! None of my friends had children and my mum and grandmothers advice was that I had to be able to put baby down so I could get on with my own life and teach him he couldn’t be dependent on me. Fortunately I quickly realised that my son was happier in my arms.
I’ve since discovered wonderful baby slings (I also highly recommend the Ergo!) and can get anything and everything done with my little loves in a sling, I can also nurse discreetly when out and about in the Ergo. There are just so many benefits to wearing little ones in a sling.
To hold the baby! That’s what my mother did with me. Even when she went back to work the August after I was born in May (teacher), my wonderful grandparents were there to hold and cuddle me. The issues I do have, are traceable to other things and I do believe that may be a reason I bonded so strongly with my mother and her parents – they held me. If/when I have a family of my own, I want to use one of those slings like you pictured, or maybe a back carrier of some sort, but no strollers for me and carseats are for the car only.
-Ms. H.
Sue–Oh, I’m sorry I’m missed your link! You’re on there now 😉
Daja,
I JUST found the Moby wrap last night looking at different slings…never had one or heard of one til then.
I also deal with a lot of back pain–without a baby…just a weak back from diastasis during pregnancy. I can fold three pieces of laundry and start moaning with pain ;-(
But I think I’ll try one of those you mentioned.
I recently ran across http://www.bundleboo.com – they are similar to other wraps except they have a “seat” built in. Seems it would shorten the learning curve a bit. I haven’t tried it, but the owner has a blog that shows a tutorial for making one – and when I get around to it that’s definitely soemthing I will do.
If anyone’s interested, I recently finished a Series on my blog – Baby Stuff Series – here’s a link to the Carrying/Moving/Transporting page: http://adayinthelifeofnicoleblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/baby-stuff-series-carrying-moving-and.html
Babywearing IS a wonderful way to help your baby learn about the world they are in since they are w/ mom or dad all the time!
Having 7 children, we have done several different thing with each of our babies. Some loved to play and didn’t need the extra holding and cuddling. Then came along #7. She needs me 24/7. Literally! Detachment parenting or plastic parenting would actually be very harmful to her. She needs the comfort and security of Mommy’s arms. We have a sling and use it alot, yet there are days that I get nothing else done. Know what? That is ok, because the housework and other chores will always be there. My baby is only a baby for such a short time. Making this investment while she is young will reap benefits in our family for years to come.
I dont know if people deliberately place their babies inside the ‘babysitter’ items. They probably just dont give it much thought….they go along with what they ‘see’ everyone else doing. These moms themselves were raised like this, normally….so it comes ‘naturally’ to them. I dont think most of them realize what they are doing, or not doing.
I used my sling, nursed them all, etc etc etc. When we would go on walks, I used the sling. The stroller became something that sat on the porch, and thus eventually got stolen. I realized I never really missed it.
My kids still co-sleep. Not always directly in the bed, but on the floor often. I keep numerous blankets under the bed for them to pull out. My oldest is the only one, at 13, who has preferred to sleep in her own room since around 11. When they are ready, they all figure out when they prefer to have their own bedroom space, i think. Its just easier and nicer too to not have to run around to separate bedrooms, tucking them in….often we rub backs before bed and talk and chit chat, or read, either independently or together……same thing in the am..easier to ‘wake’ up altogether. It just flows. 🙂
Catherine – I know how you feel with a “bigger than average” litle one – literally. I haven’t tried the wraps that GT described (but have a friend who swears by them), but I’ve always appreciated baby carriers with a hip band, so most of the baby’s weight is carried on the hips, not shoulders/upper back. (I have a bad back, friend dosen’t, but mabye that dosen’t factor anyway) Also, you may need to start out exercising without wearing baby, depending on your back. Last, you may need some chiropractic care. If your spine is out of alignment, anything else is just a band-aid. And like all mothering tips, co-sleeping won’t work for all kids/moms, or for the same child all the time.
Beth M. – While I have no doubt that some babies have “flat heads” (flat spot?) from being in the crib/seat/etc too often, it usually has little to do with parenting of any style. Almost all baies have a preferred way to turn their head. Anytime you lay them down, they will turn their head that way, putting pressure on that side of their soft skull. Try to turn them, and many will just wiggle into their “sweet spot”, the favored position. A flat spot can easily develop in the first four weeks, as newborns do a lot of lying down, anywhere they are. I think we will be seeing more flat spots as “back to sleep” becomes ubiquitous. And that’s o.k. Most babies will grow our their flat spot as they, and their skulls, grow.
For those who don’t use slings yet, they are really great, and last a long time, unlike other baby products. The newborn who starts out laying in the sling as pictured will become a baby who sits up in the sling, and mom has even more freedom with her hands. I also like to pin the paci (on a short ribbon) to the sling and leave it inside so baby can have it have handy (and clean) when desired. They are easy to make, easy to wash, easy to slip on and off. If you do buy one made, and sized (not 1-sz-fits-all), they tend to be sized to the mother, not baby. So if you wear a M clothes, get a M sling. Course, you can double check when you order.
I have always thought the stroller was kind of a joke with my child. I only have one child so far, though, so that may change! lol. The stroller was always so much trouble that I preferred to use the sling (I also recommend the ERGO!), or just carry her in my arms. Even now, at 2, I rarely use the stroller. She walks holding my hand or I’ll carry her (she’s light, thankfully).
I completely agree with you. I have 4 children(so far), my oldest is 7 and my youngest is 12 months…from the moment they were born I had the instinct to always carry them and always have them close to me. Many women have tried to give me advice that I need to put the baby down, have more time for “me”…. Older women and so called “wiser” women have been very pushy about this. I have also found many pediatricians to be the same way. Needless to say I am glad I have followed my God-given instinct to hold my babies and be near them constantly. I love the ergo carrier and so do my babies! I think it is a shame that so many people and pediatricians are giving out this advice to young mothers. There are some great articles that I have been encouraged by through Above Rubies that talk about the importance of nurturing your baby and carrying your baby. I am so thankful for your blog and others that talk about these issues and encourage the ways that God intended.
Kelly- I have a moby that you are more than welcome to borrow to see if you like it. For people with back pain, I recomend one like an ergo or mei tai that has a firmer foundation at the hips so they take the wait off of the back. baby.http://www.theslingstation.com/beco.html
There is a group in Bham called the Magic City Slingers. They have a sling library. You can pay a small fee and borrow any of their many different types of carriers. http://www.magiccityslingers.com/
I went to their yearly slingfest this year and was able to try on different slings. They give their proceeds to a women’s homeless shelter in Bham. These women have to carry few belongings so the sling is better then a stroller, but they also share with these mom’s the value of wearing their babies. This increases bonding and a sense of peace in the child which is a jewel in the midst of their hard lives. Beautiful!!!
Women of yesteryear (my 87-year-old mother-in-law’s generation)were taught that holding a baby too much would spoil him and make him dependent. The child-rearing of back then seems a little harsh today, but they figured they were training us to obey and not be spoiled. I mentioned the potty-chair with a seatbelt to hold the child there until they “performed”. My mil has a picture of her youngest child strapped into one, and she suggested I do the same, which would have been child abuse in my day!
They revered their doctors back then and did what they were told. Don’t be too hard on them. They were only doing what they were taught. They were trained to go against their instincts. There was the push to be modern. We are all products of our generation and culture, even if we think we aren’t.
I remember reading James Dobson books (I think it was him) that advised us to “let the baby cry a few minutes before you pick him up, so that he won’t grow up to expect everybody to meet his demands immediately.”
I never did that. I was a picker-upper and a holder.
My babies hated their slings, though. I think they got too hot. I just carried them in my arms unless I needed the “Snuggly” to keep my arms free, like on a trip when we were running through the airport with luggage (we were a military family and moved and travelled a lot).
What seems strange to me is that amongst conservative homeschoolers… it seems the majority have bought into the "the baby is trying to control you… don't give him what he wants" mindset, and scoff at the "attachment parenting" concepts (thinking it will raise a spoiled or dependent child), though they keep them home for school… it just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm pregnant with our first and someone recently loaned me a copy of "Prep for Parenting" by the Ezzos. It just doesn't make sense that God would make it so we can only have the 'ideal' child by ignoring our mothering instincts, reading a book & following a schedule a person created out of thin air. If God wanted us to ignore our babies cries, he would have made them a more pleasant sound.
The Whites,
I think it’s important to note the balance that needs to be in place. (I’ve seen both schools out of balance, and it ain’t pretty.)
Nurturing, cuddling and being gentle with your children should not negate requiring obedience and teaching him to be selfless. (They are self-centered when they’re born, so I do believe in developing their servant-hearts at a young age.) But it doesn’t mean harshness or neglect.
I have seen “loving” parents have maniacs for children because their parenting skill set involved allowing him to call the shots and giving into every requests. There is little more distrastrou than that, both for the parent and the child.
But by the same token, a wise parent that requires honor and respect can still be gentle and loving. It’s taking ALL of Scripture and putting it together.
Sorry to be so verbose…but that is my trademark 😉
Misty,
Ooh, I may want to borrow it! I have a heavy-duty back pack, but haven’t tried a sling. Thanks for the info.
I started “baby wearing” with my 4th and I love it! I had those bulky front carriers, which I hated, and a sling which I swallowed up my newborn and was too tight for 6 mos. +.
wearyourbaby.com has videos and step by step tutorials about how to wear you baby in various positions and for different ages. They even show you how to make your own. Mine is just 6 yards of knit fabric I bought cut in two lengthwise- no sewing.
When I lived in Korea (I didn’t have children then) the mothers had these neat blanket-things that they held their babies on their backs with. It was like a humongous polyester quilted apron with super long ties. They laid the baby on their own back face down and flipped the apron over it and then tied the ties across their chest and back over their backs under the baby’s rear-end but over the apron, crossed them, and then brought them in front again and tied them in a knot. They were that way all the time. The babies were happy, but it did seem to me that they got slightly bow-legged from having their legs continually wrapped around their mother. Candy has a widget picture of one on her site (myblessedhome.blogspot.com). You could probably make one if you got heavy-duty material.
Civilla-
It sounds to me like you are describing a Mei Tai baby carrier. You can buy them online and there are also free instructions for making them on several different websites. I made one when my daughter was about 18 months and have found it quite useful and easy to use for those times when she wants to be held but I need hands free.
How neat! I thought they were great. The Korean mothers always had pretty, brightly-colored ones. Oh, and the babies outgrew the bow-leggedness once they were on their own and walking!
Thanks for the sling recommendations : )
After some thought I just wanted to add that I think balance is really so very important (like Kelly said), as long as we’re getting into parenting styles here.
As someone who is not on board with all aspects of Attachment Parenting
I find that I encounter hostility quite a bit as AP parenters seem to have very strong feelings. I am not, however someone who thinks a baby is making sinister plans to control his mother when he just wants to be held. Please.
I just think I should be able to use a stroller without getting a dirty look (hey, I live in Portland) and set my baby on a blanket on the floor sometimes to kick and coo without fear of scarring him emotionally for life.
I don’t want to start a conflict here, at all, I just want to say that balance is good.
I happen to believe that children have a sin nature (like all human beings) and I just find that many AP parents frown on certain aspects of biblical parenting that I think are good and necessary.
Again, balance. FYI I breastfeed exclusively and have the back pain to prove how much I hold my baby. We honestly never bought a sling because we are kind of poor. Someone bought us a stroller and baby likes to nap in it sometimes at the store or wherever.
Does that make me evil?
I once knew a woman so used to putting her baby in a carseat, that when the baby was sick and her car broken, she carried the baby IN THE SEAT more than a mile to the Dr’s office. It wasn’t until she was almost back home that it occured to her it would have been lighter to jsut carry the baby!
Catherine – you sound very sensible. It’s important to remember that a LOT of christian parents have bought into that Platonic or Rousseau idea that children are born pure and perfect, and that they only learn evil after birth. Therefore a parent’s primary call is to preserve the purity and innocence. Or some christians bought into that “blank slate” idea (Locke) that children are born completely neutral. They learn evil or good from their surroundings (i.e. parents). These are lies. As you pointed out, children are born with a sin nature that no parent can escape or explain away. It’s a good example of why sound doctrine is so important. So when you are (unjustly) chewed out on one of those sites, remember their presuppositions (even if they don’t).
I found my fave carrier for $5 at a thrift store, and my current carrier was free – on a corner (I asked the homeowner if she was done with it just in case). That may shock a lot of ladies, but that sort of thing is extrememly common in the last area I lived in. Incedentally, it’s a like-new Kelty, a $200 carrier. What was she thinking? I made my sling for about $5. Hope things get better with your back. Use that stroller mama! You’re not doing your family any good if it goes out. Hugs!
I used my stroller all the time, Catherine. Didn’t mean to imply that I never did. I used anything I had to. My babies wouldn’t let me out of their sight, so I used to park them in the stroller next to the sink so I could wash the dishes, and I would take it into the bedroom and put the baby in it while I blow-dried my hair. I used the stroller inside as much as outside. I also put them in their car-seat next to me while I was on the toilet (!) so that I could go to the bathroom! I also used a walker. They loved that. And I used a stroller outside, as they hated the sling or Snuggly. They mostly just wanted to be picked up and carried around, which I did as much as I could.
No, you are not evil. You are doing what I did. I’m not evil! Ha-Ha.
P.S. Never heard of A.P. (attached parenting). Something else I have to learn. Didn’t realize that that is what was being discussed here.
I use to always put my kids in the stroller/carseat because that is our “culture” and that is what I saw other mom’s doing. Once I had my 4th, I started using the baby ergo (ergo.com) which is expensive, but amazing. It made me feel so much closer to the baby. My main reason for keeping them in the carseat/stroller in the past was to not disturb a sleeping baby and to have free hands. But the ergo allows the baby to sleep on you and give you free hands. Now, we are expecting our 5th and I have really been noticing the culture here in Peru. Seriously, the majority of mom’s here do not use carseats, strollers or any type of gadgets to hold their babies. The simply swaddle the baby in their arms and carry them EVERYWHERE. It is so precious. However, most of them don’t have 4 or 5 kids either. I did notice that in the poor areas, where we work, they all use slings where the baby is on their back. This is a homemade sling that is very cheap and the babies stay back there usually until they are 2. I really like this idea as well and am going to buy or make one to fit into their culture. They also nurse their babies like every 10 minutes, which I’m not a big fan of, but I still think they have some good things I can learn from when it comes to nurturing babies.
Just some thoughts and things I have noticed.
Oh yeh, the ergo lets you wear the baby on the front, side or back and does NOT cause back pain like the baby Bjorn. Even my hubby loves it. You can carry a child up to 50 lbs.
Another thought, I know some people don’t hold babies ALL the time because they are trying to get them on a schedule and don’t want the baby to get use to sleeping in their arms. I was like this with the first child and then I decided that holding them was more important than scheduling, but that change of mindset just came from experience.
Jessica in Peru
P.S. as far as the in-house gadgets go, I won’t be buying ANY becuase now I have 4 precious kids to hold the baby. I think the American mentality is to put the baby in something so we can get back to life as usual. So sad!!! I was just telling a friend the other day that I love how having a new born slows us down, makes us sit down and focus and gives us a chance to have such quality time with all the kids.
I can personally testify that attachment parenting techniques have work wonders for us. I know it doesn’t seem logical, but it actually made them MORE obedient and MORE independent when I wore them close as much as possible. It is an easy way to acquire their hearts right from the start. They became more and more sensible and thoughtful as they were lifted and carried above the sea of childish happenings below.
They have always wanted to please me and we have ZERO sibling rivalry among our children. God has blessed me tremendously through attachment parenting.
I don’t think that attachment parenting gurus say NEVER use a stroller. It was funny, at the slingfest day I attended most moms were using strollers and slings combined. much of the time their children were content in the stroller, but when they needed mom they were not denied. There was no hint of this training-them-to-not-need-a-mommy thing that I have seen in other circles.
My little man loves to take stroller rides as many children do, but he also gets in the mood to be held so I tie him to me so that I can get other stuff accomplished and he can still be involved and satisfied. It is mommy multitasking. It is, also, sending the message that, yes, I will hold you, but you have to conform to and participate in my duties. This is where the training and obedience part comes into play.
Sorry, I am posting too much on this. Ha!
It’s too bad there has to be an Attachment Parenting Camp and a BabyWise Camp, or whatever child rearing guru you like to follow camp.
I don’t fit the AP mold and certainly don’t fit the BabyWise mold. The only problem with raising a child by the book is that you need a different book for every child! LOL!
Every mother and child is different and I don’t think that there is one right way to do the baby years.
I’ve found that I need to stay very close to the Lord and parent my children the way He parents me. You know?
Oh, and about the slings….
Sometimes you can get them used on Ebay for a good price. Or contact your local Le Leche League and see if anyone has a used one for sale or to borrow. I got my first sling (an Over The Shoulder Baby Holder) used from a LLL leader.
Blessings,
Daja
Oh I know what you mean. It makes my heart sad when I see this. I LOVED holding my babies and miss it.
My 19-year-old says he studied AP in his college psychology class, so he knew all about it. He says they especially recommend it for premature babies.
I too, think it is sad that there are ‘camps’ for everything udner the sun. it seems to do nothing, but divide people, which is sad.
Realistically, most people probalby follow a little of this and that from many ‘camps’. I too, didnt always carry my kids…i liked the swing the best though when i put them down. When people follow ONLY a book that is when it seems to form ‘extremisms’, and they might be judgmental or give dirty looks. But remember, this has nothing to do with us. It has to do with THEM and their beliefs. It never makes us evil. I think God has us walk in only one pair of shoes for a good reason. 🙂
Happy parenting!
I am not a believer in lots of stuff and gadgets for babies. God gave me the best equipment ( arms, a lap and breasts), once I tuned all the advice everyone had to give me, and went with the simple things that worked so much better for me and me premie son#2 life was so much easier. People seem to really fall for all the huge lists of what a baby needs and it is such nonsense.
I have to wonder what all of ya’ll think of pacifiers, then?
I hate ’em, personally. None of my three ever used them. I hate seeing those things attached to baby’s clothing all day long.
I’m just checking in after a super busy weekend–
Ditto what Daja and AM said..that is where I am.
I haven’t read any of the “camps” literature, though I know briefly about them. And I’m not thrilled about the “camps” for everything either; I guess the terminology just makes it easier for us to discuss things.
I would probably be prone to take bits and pieces from all of them. And while I’m a big fan of reading and learning from others, motherhood is one of those wonderfully instinctive things that leave us free to adjust our children’s needs with our season in life, etc.
Overall, here’s my theory…cuddle them a lot, use a stroller at the zoo when your back gets tired, love them to pieces, and let that deep love cause you to require obedience and respect. Above all, teach them to God with all their hearts and try to model His example of a parent. 😉
“Overall, here’s my theory…cuddle them a lot, use a stroller at the zoo when your back gets tired, love them to pieces, and let that deep love cause you to require obedience and respect. Above all, teach them to God with all their hearts and try to model His example of a parent. ;-)”
Good summary, WW!
A wanted to bring up a problem that I have personally experienced with attachment parenting, otherwise known as AP. AP refers to a parenting lifestyle including co-sleeping, exclusive breast-feeding on demand, holding baby whenever she wants to be held with your arms or against your skin in a carrier, staying home with baby, and possibly infant potty training- all of which our family does.
I don’t regret a single second (which has been quite literally every single second) of the time I spent loving my babies through AP. However that being said, my third baby, who requires much more attention that my other two did, did not learn to go to sleep on her own until she was over one year old. She refused to go to sleep without being nursed to sleep and if I layed her down already asleep she would wake up crying for me within about 5 minutes. This made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to ever get anything done in a timely manner, and made home schooling difficult as well. I became desparate at one point and tried to make her cry it out for a few days but she would scream for 40 mins to an hour or longer. Since I normally NEVER let my babies cry it out for any reason this was torturous for both of us. After a couple days I gave in and went back to nursing her to sleep and carrying her in slings while she slept. She didn’t sleep very well in the baby slings since I was still moving around cleaning, bending over to take clothes out of the dryer or pick up toys, doing whatever needed to be done. She woke up frequently and did not get that deep restful sleep. She was tired a lot.
I think I’ll still do the AP thing with any future babies we may be blessed with but I will insist that from the beginning the baby learns to sleep on her own and go back to sleep by herself. I think this is important not just for the sake of allowing mom a few breaks during day but also so that baby can rest better while sleeping.
That being said, I have used tons of baby carriers and my favorites are the Moby wrap, the Maya wrap, and the Bjorn in that order. Don’t even bother trying the Walmart brand snugli. Trust me- your baby will hate it and so will you. I got my Maya wrap off of E-bay and my Moby wrap used off of craigslist for about $15. My youngest is now one and a half and we still take our Moby with us everywhere. I bring our stroller for my three year old and also because it’s a nice break when the baby gets too squirmy and it can hold a lot of stuff.
If anyone has ideas on how to balance the AP thing with good sleeping habits I’m all ears. =)
I love that Kelly (love ’em to pieces!).
All this talk about babies makes me want another one!!!
Sheena, My first one had a terrible time sleeping. He would only sleep if it was quiet and I was holding him. I could never get work done because holding him was difficult (15 lbs by 5 wks) and I had a bad back. Sleeping, or trying to, was torturous, because I couldn’t hold him while sleeping. He couldn’t sleep next to me, he had to be HELD by me. We were both miserable. The ped said “don’t worry, if he’s tired, he’ll sleep.” Not true. He didn’t. So he was cranky. I decided to make him cry it out (at 5 mos). In less than a week he was going to sleep on his own and sleeping through the night. We were both much improved! It was well over a year though, before we could work out napping problems. All that to say that we are commited to teaching babies to sleep on their own. If the AP style works and mom like it, great. If it dosen’t, chuck it.
re: Pacifiers – I think they’re great. Babies need to suck for soothing purposes. A baby without paci may go for the thumb, and it’s easier to break a child of the paci than the thumb, and sucking the thumb into childhood is bad for the teeth (placement). If a mom wants and has the option of nursing on demand (every 10 min for one baby I knew), then fine. It’s a lifestyle choice. Boobs are great. So are pacis. Pacis do not negate the need for cuddling. Babies who get pacis usually go for the cuddles too, and I don’t personally know any moms who sub pacis for cuddling, except maybe at night (I do that, unless I suspect a nightmare). Also, I don’t care to go into detail, esp as this can be a touchy subject, but nursing on demand, and even nursing, may not be an option for every woman, no matter what La Leche League says. They’re may be issues that the ave. woman, even midwife or lac consultant, may be surprised at.
I don’t fit into any category on this one! 🙂 My son HATED the sling as an infant, and my back and healing csection hated it too! I tried and tried to nurse him, but unfortunately my milk never came in, so I bottle fed him. He slept in our bed until he was sitting up, and then he slept in his crib in our room until he was about 16 months old. He loved sitting in his Johnny Jump Up type seat and walker, and actually starting walking just before ten months. He never was offered a pacifier because my husband despises them, but he sucks his thumb now and probably wouldn’t have if we had given him a binky. I think the bottom line is that each child is blessed with their own individual personality, complete with likes and dislikes, and it is up to us to discover what it is they need to be happiest. I don’t buy into everything AP, nor do I buy into everything that says little ones ought to be independant of us, blah blah. All I had to go by was what I saw people around me doing that seemed appropriate or inappropriate. For example, a good friend of mine held her children so much she couldn’t even enjoy a family dinner, or their birthday parties. I will never forget her daughter screaming and wailing at her 4th birthday party because she didn’t want to be put down. Nowadays, I see my 18 month old niece take her binky out to talk to mom or eat, then pop it back in. I hate that. She also doesn’t sleep most nights because Mama refuses to put her in the crib because she might fuss a little. Either way, she still gets up several times a night and wakes Mama several times a night-and mama drives 25 miles to work each morning. I guess the way I feel is that we should love our children fully, deeply, and do whatever we can to make them feel comforted and precious in our sight–but I do feel there is a fine line that seperates teaching those things, and teaching the child to have his/her way any time, any place, at any cost to Mom.
Daja, I loved your comment-
“I’ve found that I need to stay very close to the Lord and parent my children the way He parents me. You know?” I posted on that very thing today. Slings or no slings, that is my only comfort some days. 🙂
AM
Attachment is a word for describing a bond or the condition of your heart connection with a child.
I have noticed that as long as you have that attachment (aka. their hearts) a variety of personalities, with all of their strengths and weaknesses, can turn out great children- by the grace of the Lord, of course.
Yes, I agree, too with Daja’s and Laura’s comments. Oh, sure enough, I had a brand-name “Snuggli” with my babies that I was given for a shower gift, and yep, they hated it. You wore it on the front of you and they got hot and their little legs dangled out of it. I’d be willing to bet money, though, that there are babies who love it. They really are individuals. I was wearing my oldest in the Snuggli when we were moving to England and were in the airport. I was paranoid that he would get lost from me (he was 6 months) in the shuffle, so I put him in the Snuggli. He threw up in it and it went all over me and him and the Snuggli, and I had to try to clean up the best I could in the restroom, and then get on the plane and ride 8 hours to England and many hours after that by bus and car, to get to our duty-station, all pukey! I ALWAYS had parenting moments like that. What was the matter with me??
I don’t have a lot to say other than I get really tired of the people who say ” You have spoiled your baby” NO! I have not spoiled her, I have been her mother regardless of what time of day it is or what I was doing when she needed me. Oh, another thing that gets me…..nursing a baby….you can’t let a “good” newborn just lay and sleep all day because they will, so I was told again and again as I waked the baby for a feeding that I was “ruining” her!
Okay, perhaps this was a little on the rant side. Sorry. Now I must go hold my baby!
Here is part of a little poem I think of often with my babies.
“The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.”
Of course we must keep order in our home, but I have lowered my standards a lot! 🙂
LOL, babies are all different!
All three of mine loved the snuggli, hated the ERGO. My first had to be snuggled to sleep. My next two couldn’t sleep if they were too close to me, they wanted their own space in their own bed. (that started around 3 months, before that they slept in my bed where they nursed all night long, and I was able to sleep.)
I used the stroller for walks, the swing when I did dishes, nursed and cuddled about ever hour and a half to two hours.
I used the pacifier for all three. I tried nursing whenever they had the urge to suck, but I have very sensitive nipples and I would crack and bleed resulting in 6 bouts of mastitis. Not fun, not pretty. My parenting style? Whatever works for you and the child. Don’t ignore you instincts they are their for a reason. When in doubt, pray.
LOL, babies are all different!
All three of mine loved the snuggli, hated the ERGO. My first had to be snuggled to sleep. My next two couldn’t sleep if they were too close to me, they wanted their own space in their own bed. (that started around 3 months, before that they slept in my bed where they nursed all night long, and I was able to sleep.)
I used the stroller for walks, the swing when I did dishes, nursed and cuddled about ever hour and a half to two hours.
I used the pacifier for all three. I tried nursing whenever they had the urge to suck, but I have very sensitive nipples and I would crack and bleed resulting in 6 bouts of mastitis. Not fun, not pretty. My parenting style? Whatever works for you and the child. Don’t ignore you instincts they are their for a reason. When in doubt, pray.
My first thought was that the “bride” had a one month old baby. I guess coming from that view of acceptance, we shouldn’t expect the other nurturing, etc,that scripture lays out to be valued either??? As a mom of 5, I’ve learned they grow up fast, and to hold onto them as long as you can! Love your blog! Keep up the good posts! Terri
Get to know your babies–AP is hands down the best way to do this–and then do what needs to be done. There is nothing evil about a stroller, a pacifier, or whatever other tool one might use–unless you use them without knowing your baby first.
What’s the worst thing that can happen–you can spend TOO MUCH TIME cuddling your babies? the dishes won’t get done? They grow up way too fast to worry about all that, and parenting is a pay me now or pay me later proposition as this blog attests.
As in all parenting methods, you have to be secure within yourself as far as making it work for your family–and mothers are terrible to one another about these things. We should build each other up as we work toward loving our families.
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