Loved this article…every word resonated.
“But everyone else seems to think that a new baby is bad for the other kids. Dozens of times, I’ve had strangers peer around my enormous belly to coo at the toddler, “Aww … now you won’t get to be the baby anymore.”
Thanks, lady. Thanks for informing my child that she’s suffering. Luckily, she doesn’t know what you’re talking about—and neither do you.”
Read the rest of The Case for Siblings
Image from "DSALA"
Can we fully believe that children with special needs are used by God, perhaps in the profoundest of ways, to show us our deep needs and to present us with opportunities to serve “the least of these” and therefore Christ Himself? In a culture assuring us of our right to demand comfort and ease, we destroy ourselves as a people when we destroy these precious “imperfect” lives that keep us fully human. And the joke’s on the “perfect” us. Strong bodies, sound minds–yet so often spiritually depraved as a result of our bodily prosperity. As R.C. Sproul, Jr. said of his disabled daughter, “She is my spiritual better”.
Following up from Part 1 of Children With Disabilities, I thought the subject undone without a practical look at how the body of Christ should…no, MUST respond to these children and their families.
Adoption
I have been challenged to take an honest look at the subject of adoption. Most of us maintain that it is a “calling”, but sometimes I wonder how conveniently we use that word to relieve ourselves of any pressure or responsibility we might feel if we considered what is asked of all believers. Of course it’s not a reality for everyone. It doesn’t seem so for us at this very moment. But have we been open to the possibility? Have we trusted that God, if He wills, can provide in that area just like we trust Him to provide for those He gives us through the womb? Perhaps some were meant to adopt and others were meant to fund those adoptions. These are merely conversations we’re having that I think we all need to have.
Bearing Burdens
Secondly, I feel certain that helping families with special needs children is a command, inclusive in the command to share all of one another’s burdens. Frankly, the body of Christ at large seems fairly lousy at sharing one another’s burdens and the state has happily taken over that job. Will we give an account? I think so.
I’m an amateur at this conversation. Most of this post is just a random musing as I have not given this subject enough thought in the past. This would be a great time for those of you in the trenches to jump in and share what you perceive to be the most important way fellow believers can help in these situations.
Pro-Life Hypocrites
A concluding thought comes to mind about children–disabled or not–and what I believe the birth control culture within the church has done to make us “pro-life hypocrites”.
The same woman who gasped in horror at the young couple when she found out they were expecting their third child never offered a meal or a hand to relieve them. Does she really have a right, then, to flout her staunch opposition to abortion? If all the women in her church espouse this conflicting view, this young couple would be forced into an ethical corner were they to find out the Lord has blessed them with another child.
And what has this woman done to relieve the lives of the couple with a disabled child? Offered her best advice on birth control methods?
I submit that it’s time we draw a line in the sand of our own hearts. Are we truly pro-life? If so, it’s time to act like it.
This thought-provoking comment comes from The Cottage Child, copied from the comment thread in part 1 of “Children With Disabilities.” She made two extremely valid points of which we need to be reminded. Thank you, Rachael.
“Another difficulty with this line of thinking, everything riding on physical perfection, is also why it’s become so incredibly expensive to have a baby period. (I realize lots of families have chosen home-birth, and I’m just going to tell you right now you’re better women than I am. 😉 )
But for those of us who are the standard ob/hospital delivery kind of gals, the pressure for endless testing (read: $$$$) begins from the minute you make the first appointment. If you are so brazen as to have children in your old age – say 37 – you’re pushed to have genetic testing sequences, amnio, multiple ultra sound screenings, and on and on and on. Politely decline most if not all, and watch the wave of contempt (I actually had a nurse roll her eyes at me) coming at you from every member of the staff. Hear the confused silence of the insurance company when you call to say “don’t pay that, they didn’t perform those tests” because many practices will attempt to bill them as a “package” for mid life pregnancies whether the tests are done or not.
Anyway, sorry for the mini-rant, but medicine itself is complicit in the obsession with “perfectly” healthy babies, with little regard for the deleterious effects much of the testing they do has on the baby (up to and including potential miscarriage), not to mention increasing the anxiety level of the mother. All presented as “so you can make the best decision for your family”. It’s more than a little creepy. I think a lot of it is dollar driven, but there’s an element to it that is trying to unravel the miracle – studied closely, the amazing part is that so many babies are born as we expect them to be.
I find it interesting that our current culture is CRAVING the hand-crafted stamp on everything right now – the imprint of the person who made an object is dear to us, it makes it special, unique,not cookie cutter or predictable. Everything, that is, except people. We can’t accept physical differences or disabilities as anything but less than the preferred standard. There’s no consideration that these differences are valuable or complimentary to us, forget beautiful, intentional even, in the sight of God. For a world bent on worshiping diversity, we don’t leave room, ultimately, for much but the superficial differences.”
Interview between Holly Elliff and Nancy Leigh Demoss
Holly:
“And I remember vividly the day he (husband) came out of his study and said, ‘God has just given me the neatest mental picture of someday sitting on my front porch and looking out and seeing scores of children out there. And we have every temperament type represented. And we have every spiritual gift represented. And our children know how to relate to everybody in the world because they lived with all different types of people.’
And he had this wonderful vision of what it would be like and I immediately said to him, ‘Well, that’s very easy for you to say because I’m the one wearing the stretch pants for the next 20 years. And I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to go there.’ ”
And I really did not want to go there. It was a very frightening thing to me to think of taking my hands off that control in my life. And it took me about six months to work through what I believed the Bible said about that whole issue. And I became an avid student of God’s Word and just began to search the Scriptures for every reference to children, to children as a blessing, to God’s sovereignty in that area as far as opening and closing the womb and looking, honestly, for a way to avoid releasing that area in my life because my preference at that point was not to relinquish that area to the Lord.
As I did that, over and over and over, I found the same things: that God was the Creator of life, that God knew who He wanted to create, He knew what we were going to look like, He had a plan for every person–that it was all His business. It was not what I wanted to find in the Scripture, but that’s what I kept encountering. And I remember vividly one night sitting down at my kitchen table with a legal pad and a sharp pencil and making a list. And at the top of the list I wrote, “Reasons I Don’t Want To Have A Million Children.” And I began to make a list of all the objections I had to what I was seeing in God’s Word.
Everything I had on the list was rooted in selfishness. It came down to whether or not I was better at making decisions than God was. And it suddenly became very clear to me that this was a heart issue, at least in my life. It was a matter of me choosing, just like I said…God was Lord in every other aspect of my life.
We prayed through what to do with our money, we prayed through where we were to pastor. When we bought a car, it was a huge issue that we prayed about and trusted God to give us direction. But in this area it was as if we had said, ‘This area is ours to determine and we will make this decision.’ And for the very first time I was confronted with the fact that I had never really said to the Lord, ‘What is Your will?’ ”
Nancy responds:
“And really, again, we’re saying this is the fundamental issue of life, Is Jesus Lord of every area of my life? And I like the way you made that so practical because you said, ‘We went to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, what do you want us to do in this area of our lives?‘ And the fact is, you and I are not totally free until we have released ourselves, our lives, our future, our marital status, our childbearing, every aspect of our lives fully to the control of Jesus Christ. And somehow, when we come under His control, then we find that we really are free.
Interestingly, with this topic heavy on my mind this week, one of my readers sent me a link to a horrific site, which I won’t link to–a site that promotes a “lifestyle of childlessness”.
Of course what was blaring to me as I stared at the “top 100 reasons not to have kids” was how diametrically opposed each reason was to the life of a Christian. Well, that’s mild. In truth, here was a false religion of self-worship, just as God has hated and warned against from the beginning. As I ponder a lot lately the “disease” of a self-centered culture and all the implications, there it was, staring from my computer screen, making no apologies anymore–“WORSHIP YOURSELF”.
Worse though, is that extreme as a site like this may seem to us, a careful look at it reveals hints of camaraderie many believers share regarding thoughts about children. (“How will you….with those children?”) Let it not be.
(In fact, and I’m not trying to get flamed for this but…there is little difference, really, in “childless by choice” and “childless by choice after two”. The premise is very close.) (Intended as a general observation, not a definitive statement for every family in every circumstance.)
Sometimes it takes an extreme look at where we are headed to reveal the errors in the way we are getting there.
Here are a few reasons the site gave for not choosing children:
1. You will be happier and less likely to suffer from depression.
2. (Assuming you get married), you will have a happier marriage.
3. You will have the capacity and time for meaningful, engaged, quality adult relationships.
4. You will be able to save for a comfortable retirement.
5. You are more likely to be an engaged and involved aunt or uncle because you are not jaded and worn down by your own kids.
6. You can fully pursue and develop your career.
7. You can fully pursue your educational goals.
8. You can decorate your home as you wish with as many beautiful and/or breakable things as you wish and you will not have to child-proof your house.
9. Your house will be free of junky, plastic kindercrap.
10. Your spouse will get all the love and attention he/she deserves. You will come first in your spouse/partner’s life.
11. Your pets will get all the love and attention they deserve.
12. You can eat whatever foods you wish at whatever time of the day you wish out in the open, whether it be a gourmet, exotic meal, or chocolate chip cookies.
13. You never have to yell, scold, correct or punish anyone (assuming your spouse and pets are well-behaved 😉
14. Your home will be a quiet and welcoming oasis, instead of a chaotic zoo.
15. Your identity will remain firmly intact.
16. You will enjoy personal privacy.
17. You will get a full night’s sleep every night.
18. You will have the time and energy to exercise regularly and take care of your health and appearance.
19. You will stay informed and engaged in current events and will remain an interesting conversationalist.
“Show me Your ways, O, Lord, teach me YOUR paths.” Psalm 25:4
From time to time I choose to publicly answer a reader who has emailed me with a question or thought. The following question is, I’m sure, a universal one among couples who have approached the issue of birth control and children differently from the norm:
“I am a Christian, homeschooling mom…My husband and I have a daughter who was married to a godly young man last year. They are now expecting child #1!! Needless to say, we are all thrilled!!
Sadly, though, our world, and even our Christian world (“the church”) doesn’t always embrace children or trusting the Lord for when and how many children He wants for a couple.
What would you write to a new mother to help her know that she isn’t crazy for trusting God in this and to help her see the many blessings she can expect?”
(I’ve written extensively on this subject because it is one dear and near to my heart. Anyone looking for more details and information I’ve written on the topic can do a search from the sidebar.)
After I thought about the things I would say, something struck me again (it has struck before)…our thinking has been so deeply affected that we don’t even realize that it is virtually insane that women even need encouragement regarding child-bearing. That’s not an insult to the mother…that’s an insult to our intelligence, having allowed a system to turn nature upside down in our minds.
What I mean is, the reproduction process works (usually) just like any other bodily function. It’s natural, it’s normal, it’s built-in. Our ability to tamper with it shouldn’t change that. Can you think of any other physiological process that requires “encouragement”?
Imagine a new trend…people found out that they could get a lot more work done if they got a catheter. Think of it, you could go for hours without the need to stop and go to the restroom. At first people are hesitant, but after a while it catches on. Then one day somebody gets the idea that they don’t want to use a catheter–they found it caused infection and just doesn’t seem normal. Problem: the “norm” has been changed. And now, if you don’t have a catheter, you’re weird. So, authors start writing books, blogs and articles about how it’s “OK” to go catheterless. And despite all the encouragement, those catheterless people will continue to receive criticism simply for not interfering with nature. If you ask me, that’s insane. Should people be allowed to get catheters if they want them? SURE! But should that be the norm?
You’re smirking at my example. And yet, it’s entirely comparable to the birth control issue with one difference: there is a lot more at stake…namely, living people.
What would I say to a young, new mother?
As I’ve said many times before, I don’t think it’s necessary to rule out any and every consideration of a couple limiting their family size for extreme reasons. I don’t claim a dogmatic belief. What I do believe with all my heart is that our starting point should be the same as that of Scripture.
There is no evidence, whatsoever, that God is for our refusing the blessing of children “just because”, for controlling life and altering normally-functioning body parts. Marriage, intimacy and children are the standard, normal processes. If one chooses to stop the reproduction process, let it be a personal choice. But according to God and nature, it is the deviant action, not the expected one.
To raise breast-cancer awareness and encourage women to get early mammograms, yesterday Facebook users posted a number of “cutesie” reminders, including the color of their bra.
So I scratch my head and wonder, again, why we don’t propagate something a little more useful and, um, sensible, something that may actually have a real effect on lessening cases of breast cancer.
And I know I have a blaring flaw when it comes to “lightening up”, but I see everything in connectedness; five seconds after hearing about the “bra-color craze” I had traced back to the woes of how the Industrial Revolution is tied to the increase of breast cancer…I can’t help it.
But seriously, one of the main preventions of breast cancer is having babies, menstruating less (i.e. pregnant more) and breast feeding. It’s not rocket science why we’ve seen a dramatic increase in breast cancer over the last 60 or so years. But nobody’s saying, “if you want to reduce your risk of breast cancer, have more babies, and stay home so you can breast feed them”. (Because let’s face it, that opens the discussion to a whole lot of cause and effect that we don’t want to talk about.) Well, I just said it.
And I know women who have had several babies, breast fed them all and sadly, still got breast cancer; I’m not discrediting early detection. Notice I said it would “reduce” the rate, and I believe scientific evidence proves that. So, how cool would it be if we started some Facebook group craze about these facts? Any ideas? I’m game!
And for many more fabulous benefits of breast feeding, follow the link below:
“We know that breastfeeding drastically reduces the risk of developing breast cancer. For this reason alone, it is worth committing to breastfeed.” Nature’s Brilliant Plan: Fact About Breastfeeding
Update: You can now join “Breast Cancer: Awareness That Makes A Difference”
Many of you have probably already heard this incredible story, but I thought it worth posting. Miracles do happen.
They say that I am crazy for letting you be born,
But one look at your angel face makes crazy all the scorn.They say we can’t afford you–that you’ll need a lot of stuff,
But your pudgy cheeks remind us that our God is big enough.They say it’s strange–eight kids so far–and ask what’s wrong with us,
How could we know that proof of married love would cause this fuss?God’s Word tells me He made us, so when they look at you,
I’ll tell them not to ask me why, because He made you too!Kelly Crawford
“The lady in the next line exclaimed, clearly shocked, ‘You’re PREGNANT? Was it planned?’ I didn’t say anything, too busy getting my jaw off the floor. But the little girl thinks and says, ‘God plans everybody’.” -Mary
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.” Genesis 4:1
That verse struck me when I read it out loud. You don’t hear that much from a woman who has just given birth.
The thing is, we are unable, in the familiarity of technology and the ability to control almost everything, to step back, and with child-like eyes, the eyes Eve had, consider the subject of reproduction in its simplicity, and just be willing to see it for what it is.
Could I kindly steer you away from the “buts” and “what ifs”…I don’t think it matters at all about whether it’s wrong or right to use birth control, what methods are acceptable, etc. I think what matters about children and God’s gift of bearing them is that we start at the right place, longing to know and share God’s heart about His creation and embracing the revelation of that as it is written both in His Word and in our bodies.
“I have gotten a man from the Lord”.
Adam and Eve knew one another…the beautiful, holy, unaltered marriage bed where conception is only seen as a “gift from the Lord”, not something to fear or avoid.
Is that how I view my own reproduction?
Do I have child-like eyes of faith?
When once I get that the Lord gives children, my heart is changed. I am now grateful with an unspeakable awe that He would grant such a gift. Perhaps the barren woman has a better understanding of the miracle of an open or closed womb. Does that require a rigid set of rules concerning my fertility? No. When my heart says with Eve’s…”the Lord gives life“, it is enough.
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