Even the secular culture is noticing it: a generation of perpetual boys: men who refuse to grow up.
“…the culture of the boy-men today is less a life stage than a lifestyle…Permissive parenting made children less submissive, and the decline of deference coincided with the rise of consumer and media cultures celebrating the indefinite retention of the tastes and habits of childhood…”From Newsweek’s The Basement Boys, Gary Cross
I was reading an excerpt to the kids about Ben Franklin. And while I suppose he may be an exception among men, it struck me how young his virtue and ambition shined, contrasting him with most young men of today.
At a very young age his zeal for learning, reading, improving his mind and preparing for the future was unparalleled. He copied the writings of great authors and thinkers because he wanted to write and think like them. He would skip meals just to be able to have more time to read. And at the age of 15, he made three goals for himself: 1. Be frugal and do not go into debt 2. Speak ill of no man, even if it’s truth 3. Be honest in all things
I was subconsciously comparing his character with the typical 15-year-old boy of our day. Sadly, the contrast is just as stark when compared with many 25-year-olds. Where is the personal ambition, the drive, the zeal for what is noble and true and productive?
Instead, we have an epidemic of perpetual adolescence who spend inordinate amounts of time playing video games or just playing in general. They live with their parents longer, wait longer to choose a vocation, marry and have children. They live for today and almost disdain the suggestion of preparing for the future or aims at betterment. Worse yet, our society seems to encourage this limbo state of self-indulgence.
Contributing factors.
Why such a contrast in the young men of our day? What has contributed to this epidemic of man-boys?
1. At the top of the list among common theories are effects from the feminist movement.
Women now make up the greater part of the workforce and are more likely to hold college degrees, and therefore make more money. They “arrived” with their independence and now men don’t have to grow up or take responsibility. Prior to this era, men answered the innate call within them to “protect and provide”. But women have proven themselves without a need for provider and protector so men have gladly defaulted to a life of video games and adolescence.
“…the large-scale entry of women into the workforce made many men feel marginalized, especially when men were simultaneously bombarded by new parenting theories, which cast fathers as their children’s pals…My generation’s obsession with youth and its memories, stands out in the history of human vanity.” From Newsweek’s The Basement Boys, Gary Cross
2. A national (global?) effort to undermine traditional marriage and family.
“Today’s prime-time television,” the Parents Television Council concludes, “seems to be actively seeking to undermine marriage by consistently painting it in a negative light.” From Newsweek’s Why I am Leaving Guyland
It’s not only en vogue to postpone marriage and family, (where once it was an early-sought goal), but those early to the alter are destined for scorn. Family demands responsibility so, which came first? The disdain for family to avoid responsibility, or the disdain for responsibility, thus avoiding family?
Besides that, “family” insinuates “Mom, Dad and children”. And well, you know, since this isn’t the norm for families anymore, we don’t want to offend, so we do away with the standard and create a new one. Only to do that successfully, we have to vilify the old one. If the traditional family is no longer something to aspire to, why bother?
3. Spoiling parents.
A post-depression era generation who had to work for what they had, which wasn’t much, determined to “give their children something better” ended up giving them something worse. A perpetual trend of parents doting on children, buying them all they needed to compete with their peers bred several generations of spoiled, “entitled” youth.
Prosperity breeds apathy. Do the math. Need I say more?
The phenomena are deep and varied. There isn’t one factor but many. But at the end of the day, we can trace them all back to a departure from the wisdom of God. That’s the one factor we can safely peg.
Our job.
We need men. And there’s hope…there is a new generation looking back to the wisdom of God, seeing their children as catalysts of change through the gospel of Christ. Ready and willing to do the hard work of raising not just mediocre humans who can survive life, but contenders for the faith, men of valor and virtue, men who have vision and embrace manhood.
This is the privilege we are given as parents to reconstruct our civilization. We don’t have to settle for what is; we can change it and glory in what will be!
“Men, you are to be creators and cultivators. God is a creator and a cultivator and you were made to image him. Create a family and cultivate your wife and children. Create a ministry and cultivate other people. Create a business and cultivate it. Be a giver, not a taker, a producer and not just a consumer.” From The Washington Post, Mark Driscoll “The World if Filled With Boys Who Can Shave“
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Applause, applause. Oh, this is so humbling. I feel both blessed and daunted at times that I have a son to raise. I thank God every day for my incredible husband to show me–and our son–what true manhood ought to be, and for His grace and guidance as I traverse the road of motherhood.
“women have proven themselves without a need for provider and protector so men have gladly defaulted to a life of video games and adolescence”
Nno, I don’t think women having careers, and pursuing further ways to be creators and cultivators themselves has anything to do with immature video-game lovers.
I think this is one of those areas where you are not looking at the domino effects and being honest with them.
Once upon a time, the dependence of women on men challenged men toward responsibility. A woman lived with her parents until she got married. She depended on a man’s ability to provide before that could happen. Then, she continued to depend on his provision for her and her children. She served him in the capacity of taking care of his home and children and he served her by providing and protecting them. (And yes, I realize this horrifies the feminists; yet, it was good for normal families who understood how God had fit them together.)
With the advent of young women leaving the home at an early age and becoming financially and physically independent, obviously marriage is a less “needed” institution because she’s already out on her own (with access to a romantic relationship to fulfill those needs, etc.).
Not only that, but because women are expected and capable of being on their own (earning salaries near their husband’s), it has greatly decreased the “weight” placed on men to take care of their families.
There’s even more involved in this tangled web that I can’t seem to articulate this morning, but that’s a start.
This isn’t the only factor, as I explained,(the mere fact that we’re just an entertainment-obsessed society is a huge component) but I think it’s a really big one.
“A woman lived with her parents until she got married. She depended on a man’s ability to provide before that could happen”
Neither are necessary or even always desirable things. Most men are still the only/primary breadwinners because that’s their drive; they still provide for their families, and there are many ways to do that. I see boyish men and women’s advancement as far apart; the feminist attitude may have contributed, but I don’t think feminist accomplishments did. Considering how often I’ve lately heard “women just need to get out of work, they’re not as good and wrecking it for men”, I have little tolerance for any semblence of it. It can be a big leap to take in on the topic, and sometimes a dangerous one.
“Not only that, but because women are expected and capable of being on their own (earning salaries near their husband’s), it has greatly decreased the “weight” placed on men to take care of their families.”
It’s not like there’s any shortage of things married men can still do to help take care of their families – laundry, cooking, helping kids with homework, &c., especially if their wives are working as much as they are.
Why wouldn’t it be a good thing that the burden of breadwinning is now something that’s more often shared between two partners, rather than the sole responsibility of one of them? If the “weight” is decreased because their wives are working also, isn’t that a relief?
Of course, that’s for men who are married, not single guys – but there’s no shortage of married men who act like they’re still bachelors in guyland.
Lionhearted,
The reason it’s “not a good thing” is that most couples work full time outside the home. That leaves another full time job of home/raising children, etc. without a worker. Feminists ideals say, “husband and wife can share the home responsibilities”. Maybe a good idea on paper, but not in real life.
For one, this treats home life as a “peripheral” task instead of a living, monumental job in the life of a family. Secondly, men, upon the brainwashing of a feminist society may be willing to pitch in and help, but home is not their domain. They are not innately gifted with the nurturing, creating, nesting, etc. that goes along with being an effective home-maker. When we use the term “homemaker”, we are referring to women who see their job as “making a home”, something far more than just a to-do list of chores.
Women are best equipped to make a home while men are best equip to provide and protect and lead that home. Them’s just the facts 😉 And we’ve really screwed it up by ignoring them. And then we ignore the fact that we’ve screwed it up. So we make new suppositions that fit our feminist world view. But until we see with clear sight and stop being offended that men and women ARE actually better suited to certain roles than the other, we’re going to continue to reap the curses.
I have personal experience with this one. I am a CPA and went straight to work after graduating college. I had a great career and then met my husband, a struggling real estate agent. We have been married 5 years and my job has “allowed” my husband to work part time and not have to have the responsibility to provide for his family. We thought this was fine at first, that it was ok if he stayed home with our son a couple days a week. On those days I would come home to a frustrated husband who loved to spend time with our little boy, but God created him to be a man to be out providing for his family. After that, we made a decision to change things. What I once thought was impossible is now proving to be possible. Now our son is 17 months old, we have another child due in August, my husband was offered a full time job at his work, and I have been able to cut back on my work to only 3 days per week. We are praying that once the next baby comes in August I will be able to stay home full time. We have saved like crazy the last year and will take a leap of faith to do it! So Kelly, your points are right on…and although society (and even our church) may have looked at our situation and thought it was okay, we knew deep in our hearts we were not fulfilling God’s calling for us.
I agree with you. I don’t see how women being independent is really that much of a demotivator to men. Is it really that threatening(?) to live in a world where a woman wants to marry a man, rather than has to merely to survive? I think that would be a compliment.
Excellent post! My 3-yr. old “man”already has his plans : he’s going to build his house, have a huge driveway for all his cement-mixer trucks, dump trucks, cranes and pick-up trucks for his work; then he’s going to “marry my wife and God will give me lots of children”; and he also said I could bring chocolate-chip cookies for dessert when he has me over for dinner with his family! I can’t wait! Those are going to be great tasting chocolate cookies!
Thank you for great post: women need to hear this as they start early to raise men, not boys.
Great post, thanks Kelly.
WHooo hooo! Amen and amen and amen!!!!!
I’m not often able to check here but I’m ALWAYS blessed and encouraged to press on when I do. Thank you SO VERY MUCH for sharing a GREAT work! What an encouragement you are!!!
Keep em coming! 🙂
Feminists have created a man they can mock and conquer.
Yes! We must raise MEN! This is so very important, if we want our culture to move back toward the Lord. Our sons must take up the mantle of leadership and responsibility. We have to pray that the Lord will open the eyes of parents in The Body so that they recognize the destructive influences at work in the parenting philosophy of our day.
This is crazy – my husband and I were just talking about this last night. He is a plumber, and is replacing 27 toilets this week in an apart building. He said every apartment he’s gone into that is occupied by a 30-something male has been filthy, covered in pop bottles with the unemployed or part-time employed guy playing video games on his bed, not even getting up to answer the door! My husband is 29 and it really saddened him to see these men just wasting their lives. Makes me so thankful for my husband and motivated for my son. Thank you so much.
My husband (who works 3-4 jobs to enable me to be home)does some carpentry work for a friend and noticed the same thing while in the apartments last summer. It’s alternately maddening and depressing.
My husband is the only man in his family working right now. His sister’s husband and both his brothers are unemployed. Their wives all work and provide for the family. They have no drive to go find new jobs. They can stay home all day and do whatever they want. Their wives will pay the bills. It is so sad. (No these women are not happy, they wish they could be the ones at home with the kids.)
Ugh, what an awful situation.
Great post!!
Your right on here, Mrs. C.!
This is timely and lines right up with our Pastors message this past Sun.Thank you.
A sad, sad state we are in concerning the youth of our generation!
As a mother of 3 sons, I appreciate your insight. (A lot!) 🙂
From the book “Manning Up: How the Rise of Women has Turned Men Into Boys” http://www.henrymakow.com/flipside_of_feminism_men_dont.html
It’s true that more women graduate from college than men and currently have slightly lower unemployment rates, and that all people (men and women) wait longer to choose a vocation, but I wouldn’t blame that on feminism. Blame it on the economy.
The types of jobs that pay a livable wage without a college degree are male-dominated fields. These are also the industries hit the hardest by the recent recession.
Women, if they’re looking to earn a livable wage, will usually need to attend college, because well paying “women’s work” (e.g., teaching, nursing, information services) requires a college degree for entry into the market.
These are also the types of jobs that are almost recession-proof: children still need to be educated during a recession, people still get sick and need to go to the doctor’s office or hospital during a recession.
These problems existed before the downfall of the economy. It has only made headlines now because of the bad economy.
Jennifer and Lion Hearted,
Keep in mind the topic of boy-men is not exclusively blamed on the feminist movement. But, across the board, even among secular liberals, there is too much evidence now that supports many of the “backfires” of feminism to deny it. Ponder this article by once-feminist Kay Ebeling:
http://www.holysmoke.org/fem/fem0109.htm And there are many, many more.
And this one: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-398998/How-feminism-destroyed-real-men.html
You need to understand that to ridiculed the mass effect of feminism is not to say we are “anti-women”, surely that’s evident by now. No one has ever been for the abuse of women, or the inequality of women’s value, etc. Quite contrary, in fact. I think when you hear/see “feminism” being referred to in a bad light you automatically feel defensive “of women”. We are FOR women. All of us.
But the negative effects, overall, on our society are blatant. Complicated, yes, but obvious for those of us willing to see. Doesn’t mean there wasn’t anything *good* that came of it, but that good doesn’t outweigh the mess it made.
I know you’re not against women, Kelly; that was never a question, nor the fact that feminism’s caused rampant harm. I’ve just developed a wariness of the argument that women with jobs or such capabilities inherently threaten a man’s healthy view of himself.
EXCELLENT post!
So very great. Very great points and support.
So true. Our second son is living out #2. He has been engaged for 1 1/2 yrs…he is 20 yr old and has a full time job he has held for nearly 2 yrs making $33,000.00 a yr. But her parents have decided that they are just too young. She has recently moved out of her parents’ house, and gotten a job, because not only is she not allowed to get married, she is just a free loader, so they say. In spite of the fact that she did most of the housework, got all the groceries, and ran her brother around on errands. It has gotten so frustrating…my son is very discouraged about marriage right now.
Please allow me to remain anonymous in case the other mother reads this blog.
This is a topic that my husband spends a lot of time dealing with. Being a pastor on staff at a large (contemporary) church, this is very evident among the younger men in our church. He spends a lot of time trying to disciple 20 and 30 year-old men of the church to, for lack of a better term, grow up!
This is the opposite of how he (and me and my siblings) were raised. But we see it all around us. Men my hubby’s age (33) who are obsessed with video games, have no ambition, and dress like they are going to mow the yard! The common parenting difference that we see is that these men were never given responsibility at a young age. They were “allowed” to be children and enjoy their childhood. Suddenly, they are adults and have never had any real responsibility placed on them and they don’t know how to handle it!
My husband was an only child and came from a wealthy family, but he had a job at 15 and has never been without one since. In fact, he has had 2 or more jobs for most of our marriage. We married when he was 20 and people thought we were crazy for “jumping into marriage” instead of enjoying our college years more! Nothing was given to him. He had to earn everything, by getting good grades, staying out of trouble, volunteering in the community, and working a part-time job. He had to clean his room before leaving for school each day. He had to learn to “service” a car before he was allowed to learn to drive. Most of the men that he works with had no expectations placed on them until they were grown. And my husband will be the first to tell you that he had a wonderful childhood, but his parents expected a lot from him and they were consistent in their parenting.
I also see the frustration among many wives of these men. They are the main wage earners in their family. Their husbands either failed to complete college, have a useless degree (think biology but doesn’t want to teach), or have jobs where they do the minimum required so they are stunted in their careers. These ladies also have the main responsibility of caring for the home and children because their husband’s hobbies take up most of his time. They often feel trapped and frustrated waiting on their husband to finally “grow-up”!
I feel for these men and women. And for the church, this trend is disturbing. We need strong men to lead our families and our churches. We need men who will serve. If a young man cannot even take care of his own family, he usually cannot serve the church effectively. Having a good time and being entertained should not be the main goal of life.
Katie,
I think you nailed a big part of it–few, if any, expectations and responsibility. Here again, it would take unraveling of several factors to explain that. Prosperity is a big part of it (once upon a time a family depended on the children to be a part of keeping the family running, financially or otherwise). Somehow we became convinced that “indulgence” is good for children. No one would ever admit it, but look around and you see that many parents live it.
We’ve glorified adolescence, given in to parent-peer-pressure to give too much stuff to our children and not enough work/responsibility, and those behaviors (against the wisdom of God) have created the problem we’re now dealing with. Behavior yields consequence.
Might I add, though I’ll probably dodge a few tomatoes, when children come along as God wills, it drastically reduces even the ability to indulge. It becomes necessary for everyone to see his place and work/contribute/participate as a team rather than a single entity out for himself. (And I know that to some families God gives few if any children; that doesn’t negate the point.)
Kelly,
You are so right about that! We just had our third, and first boy, so now we have 3 under 3! Life is all about teamwork, waiting your turn, and sharing. That’s how I grew up as the oldest of 8. Of course, even if you only have 1 child, if you approach parenting from the perspective of “I am raising an adult” it will greatly change the “overindulgent” parenting practices.
Also, our goal as parents is to raise our children to be servants for God. If we keep that as our number one focus for their future, then we are teaching them to be givers and not takers, to serve and not to be served.
This subject is one that is quickly becoming a crisis in our nation. As a former teacher, I can tell you that there are several contributing factors. 1) It’s been said already, but, boys living full time with mom and or grandmother. I am not bashing single motherhood at all. However the epidemic of fatherless kids is destroying our nation and our social fabric. 2) public schools and some private schools too, do not allow children to engage in “boy” play. Certain playground games are considered too aggressive and politically incorrect. Heaven forbid if a girl becomes involved, she may be touched. That may be sexual harrassment. 3) Electronic media. It goes without saying that are kids are hooked. Many parents are too. Even a family living under the same roof is completely disconnected. It was so sad when I heard from other teachers about the number of families broken up over Facebook (and such) affairs. 4) Hobbies and extracurricular activities such as video games, poker tournaments, volunteer fire company (I know, it’s needed but wait til your kids are grown), you name it.
I am not afraid to say (no flaming here) that the best way to restore a family is to go back to God’s original design. Show our sons and daughters that Mom’s place is in the home, supporting her husband, being his help meet, and taking care of the childrearing, cooking, and cleaning so that Dad can concentrate on supporting the family. Dad is head of the household. We must show by example.
i think it’s telling that most of the people commenting on this article are women….. i have this problem constantly, i’m surrounded by whiny , gossipy, “grown” men acting half my age. and they are all older than me! the word tells us that if we have not know the disciple of Father God , we are bastards and not sons, most of my life i was one too, i had no idea who my father was. yeah we all have physical dads, but fatherless boys raised in a feminist culture, no wonder they turn out htis way. it takes the direct intervention and fathering of God to fix this amount of damage. Praise God , it has begun in my life.
I’ve been lurking around here off and on for some time. I must say that although I do not agree with 100% of your views 100% of the time that more often than not, when searching Scripture, you have very valid points. Many of the topics you discuss are very “touchy” to say the least. But then, most God-based morals are. People do not like hearing things that go against the worldly standards they have grown up with. Even many who profess Christ will balk at Scriptural principles and justify themselves with lame excuses.
Well, enough rabbit-trailing, my point is that I’m not surprised some are so offended by what was said in this post. It is not pleasant hearing that what we want may not be what is right. I am a huge advocate of stay-at-home wives and mothers. In fact, I loathe working outside of my home. No paycheck has ever been worth it in my mind. Thankfully I have not needed to work outside of my home since I became a mother. I believe it would nearly kill me to leave my children in someone else’s care for the majority of their childhood. I realize that women everywhere are screaming at me that I am fortunate and don’t understand that some of them HAVE TO WORK! I am not denying that in certain extreme circumstances it is necessary. But doesn’t it stand to reason that, the more women there are in the workforce, the less jobs there are for men? And that the less jobs there are then the more men there are that aren’t working? And if they aren’t working then what are they doing? Nothing. Playing. Causing trouble. Having two young boys myself, I know from experience that if they do not have something to do, they are far more likely to cause trouble than my daughter. Not that my daughter isn’t a trouble-maker when she wants to be but she is far more apt to desire pleasing me than her older brothers. I contribute this to her being female. I think it is more natural for women to desire to please because God has created us to follow. Men are created to lead.
That being said, we have, as a culture, taken the desire of leading away from them. Chalk it up to indulgent parenting, laziness, a poor economy, instant gratification or whatever you want. But you cannot deny that feminism has played a major role. For years now, we have been telling boys and men that they are not better at their jobs, that they are not needed in the home or for parenting(except to do the undesirable jobs that we can’t be bothered with), that they are stupid, that they are arrogant, that they are chauvinists if they want their wives at home, and to put it simply, we’ve told them to just get out of the way. Not very motivating material for becoming a hard-working leader or even just an equal. The feminist movement has not strived to be as good as men but to override men and put women on a pedistal above them.
I honestly do not personally know one man that wishes his wife to be the breadwinner. Most of them feel they have failed if this is the case. My own husband is very hardworking and I believe a rarity in today’s America. He feels as some have stated above. He is a delivery guy and sees many people in their homes this way and he is appalled at how many men are just rolling over and playing dead. He himself enjoys playing video games but will not allow us to own one because he knows it is too great a temptaion to sit and play it all day instead of learning to be productive. This is a particular weakness for me as well and if we owned one I would be in a constant struggle with my children to DO SOMETHING! Grown men sitting and playing computer games or video games for an entire day on a regular basis is one of his pet peeves. He disaffectionately calls them “brain suckers”.
Before I was married I would not even consider dating someone my own age. Most of the guys my age were horrible. They were lazy, disrespectful of their peers, disrespectful of women, and completely unmotivated to do anything with themselves. My husband is only three months older than me and I thought that he was so special because he was hard-working, devoted, faithful, Godly and seeking to be more so, and he was a GUY. Not a ninny. Then I learned he was also gentle, kind, caring and not afraid to help me when needed. He would do laundry for his mother and then go out and do all of the repairs on his truck himself. He would affectionatley put his arm around his sister and then turn around and plow himself into the dirt to catch a football.
After we got married he would listen to me when I had a problem but firmly put a stop to my complaining. He would say “No” and mean it. But then knowing I was upset would hug me and offer to do dishes, without changing his mind. He would, and still does, tell me to go pray about it. And coming from him, he hates the way women want to be like men. He also claims that most guys don’t want a doormat for a wife but a partner. Someone to work alongside them not behind or in front of them. (These are his thoughts, not mine.)
I always thought he was just one of those guys that matured early. But as I look around today, ten years later, I am still disgusted with men my age. They haven’t matured. They most likely won’t. We have handicapped them. And it is the rare parents or man that is motivated to do things differently. Praise the Lord that my husband is one of them!
Suffice it to say, I totally agree! *smile*
I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned it yet, but I think professional sports, that is, making a profession at playing like a kid, has done a huge disservice to our kids. It teaches them that they can make a living by remaining a kid. They need to learn what a real job is, and pro-sports is not a real job, but just playing! Just because you get paid to play, doesn’t make it a real job.
Saying that strong women have created weak men is like saying strong children havr created weak parents; if this is truly the case then MEN need to be men and TAKE the lead, not wait for a woman to GIVE it to them. If there were strong men, women could stay home, care for children, etc. I don’t blame the feminist movement for weak men; I blame lame, weak men for the “feminist” movement which is really nothing more than women doing the jobs of both mom AND dad, cause no one else will.
My generation of women are the ones caught in the middle. I was born in 1966. I clearly remember wanting my mother to stay home. I remember her going to work at the hospital as I was walking in from school. My father worked long hours and provided. My mother chose to work because that’s what women were doing. I think she wanted both worlds. Fast forward to 2014. I am a stay at home mom. My dh’s background is one where his mom raised the 4 kids alone after divorcing their physically abusive father. He hasn’t seen his father since he was 6. He still owes a huge amount of child support and doesn’t dare set foot in the state because of it. I don’t think any of the checks he sent ever cleared the bank. My husband watched his mother do it all. When we were first married I supported us while he started his business. I quickly saw that the lack of a father in his home and a mother who did it all was a recipe for very unrealistic expectations. He wanted me to do more and more. I finally told him I wouldn’t work for him. And it’s the best decision I ever made. A hard decision but the right decision. I wasn’t being treated as a help meet. I was being treated as an employee in the office AND at home. It was miserable. I think he’s happier now that he is the sole income provider. Yes, there’s more pressure on him but that is his role. I am careful with the money he provides for our little family. I always make sure the children know that I am thankful for all their father does to support our family. I am especially mindful during our family prayer time to thank the Lord for all that he does to provide for us. Now that I’ve said all that I have something that will appear to contradict it. I believe the Lord wants the young women to be getting education and skills. We don’t know what the Lord has for their futures. Too often I am seeing young women marrying with no skills and then their husbands die very unexpectedly and they are left to earn a living for their children. No skills spells disaster for them. If we are to truly be a help meet we must be prepared, if necessary, to move forward without our husbands. We must teach our sons that they will be the income provider for their future families. We must also teach them to seek out a young woman who fears the Lord and has skills that will see their family through should something happen to him.