Do you ever feel like you wish you need something you could do to make a difference? As if you don’t feel like you’re doing anything meaningful? Maybe we have forgotten one specific thing God asks of us.
Recently I spoke at a ladies’ retreat and made this point: “You older ladies (we’re all older to someone) are teaching the younger ones whether it’s deliberate or not.”
Question is, what are we teaching? If you believe the maxim, “As the church, so goes the nation“, we have a heavy responsibility and we’re largely to blame for our own decline.
But stop, look and listen. Again I said to those ladies last weekend, “Women hold a tremendous amount of power to change things. Why do you think Satan approached the woman in the garden?”
What is being passed down, woman to woman in our culture, in the church? I submit to you that the message is often inaccurate and powerfully destructive. Women, what you believe is what you teach; and what you teach helps shape the next generation.
If our standard isn’t the Word of God, we are allies with the father of lies.
Marriage: Husbands
First, we need a return to teaching women to love their husbands, not compete with them, or subtly treat them as inferior. The teaching is in the jokes, the sly comments, the subtle nuances. We need bold women, to look younger women lovingly in the eyes, and give them hope for their marriages, the stuff that joyful homes are made of. We need them passing on the strength and dignity of a godly helper, of the beauty of a woman who is for her husband, flaws and all.
Marriage: Children
We need women teaching women what the Bible says about children. That God “desires godly offspring”, that raising children is the first line of the Great Commission work. We need to understand how marriage is meant to reflect the church, and that as the church is expected to naturally be fruitful and make disciples, so is marriage. Shame on us, for a generation of Christian women who have taught that children are a costly burden to be “put up with” and not a heritage from the Lord, given for us to steward. Shame on us for treating motherhood like some side job instead of the powerful, constant, eternal work of shaping the next generation.
To love our children is to give all we have to make them soldiers of Christ. It’s not to spoil them or live out for them a worldview that emphasizes self-gratification. We are sojourners here, given one shot to “set up for ourselves treasures in Heaven.”
Let’s be so careful, ladies, whatever stage of life you’re in, as you are teachers of the women behind you, to exemplify truth and to embrace the power we’ve been given to change the world.
45 comments
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful!!! I have always told my husband it was the older women’s fault I didn’t submit to him for 23 years. No one taught me or showed me how marriage is suppose to look like so my ministry in life, as an older woman, is to teach the younger women so they can have good marriages and raise godly children.
I will jump in, although I haven’t done so for some time. These thoughts are stream of consciousness, in no particular order, and aren’t all that cohesive.
My husband is Godly, patient, kind, and sexy to boot. We have ten almost all-grown children. We have nine g’kids with four more coming, one via adoption from the Congo, the Lord willing, by the end of summer. We never cared whether or not our kids would sigh, or groan, or be embarrassed when we were demonstrably affectionate in front of them. I am still smitten with him, and unabashedly show it.
Years ago, when I was pregnant with, oh, I don’t remember which one, and felt some angst about it, my husband reminded me that children aren’t a punishment because you weren’t careful. Our tenth will be 17 this Friday–her middle name is “Joy,” and she could not have been more aptly named. I could not imagine life without her, and without the energy she brings our family. I always remind young moms, including my daughters, and daughters-in-law, that, right now, they’re in the trenches, but that this is just one phase of life. The years will fly by, and the calendar pages will continue to be discarded…I still feel as though I just graduated from high school–but I didn’t. So, try to cherish the moments, and savor them, and store them on your mind’s hard drive…and try not to sweat the small stuff–spoken like someone who graduated high school in the 70’s!
“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12
Wonderful, Cathy! Thank you for sharing.
my husband and i were just discussing this today. bless your heart for sharing and shaming and encouraging! this needs to be done!!!!!! i would love a venue by which to encourage scores of younger women….to mentor….to teach TRUTH, as you are doing. i share your blog with many. thank you.
You should check out the Visionary Womanhood ebook, it was being offered free a while back. Natalie lays out a template of how to do what you are describing. I am considering starting a group too.
Natalie and I are tossing around some ideas for making some practical tools for women who would love to facilitate a “Titus 2” ministry.
That sounds like a wonderful idea! Over time and with great teachers, I have gotten more mindful of the fact that younger women are going to be picking up a message from me and from my life whether I intend it or not. And, since I have a lot of women in their early 20s in my life (lots of cousins and their friends) I’m definitely in the place of mentoring others while also wanting and needing mentoring myself. More tools to help us do that effectively would be great.
Bless you Kirsten!!!!! I am no longer a very young woman but I have been looking for years for a spiritual mentor. Godly older women are hard to come by (at least the ones willing to mentor younger ones). Go for it and may the LORD bless you!
I agree. I am ashamed to say I have not been doing a great job at mentoring. It is because of my own ungodly attitude at times (too many times). I realize this and have not sought out more opportunities to mentor. But as you write, women are watching and learning how I love my family. Although I have not been surrounded by women who admired their husbands…I KNOW THE TRUTH…in how I should act.
I am praying God changes my attitude and I read today, somewhere?, a woman wrote, “God will lead you through your husband”.
Thank you God for your patience and answers to our prayers, in Jesus name. Amen
A message that is one of my passions (as you know!) Needs to be shouted from the rooftops…or blog tops 😉
Totally agree. Recently, within my church there’s been a rash of women leaving their husbands and initiating divorce proceedings. What the elders have discovered is that most of those women are leaving on the advice of their female friends. Just slightly concerning. That specific situation has prompted a strong focus on mentoring, on making sure that women are teaching biblical truth to other women, that women are seeking out biblical truth and not just advice from friends that just encourages what they already wanted to do. The goal is to create a “Titus 2” culture within my church and I’m very excited to be a part of it.
This is really one of my passions too! I was just thinking the other day how we are all really so busy today. It’s good to be busy with our families and teaching and training for the Lord, the kids the Lord has given us. I didn’t think about it much when my kids were little because I felt like I was in the trenches..lol.I really mean that joyfully in the trenches but I didn’t always feel like it was joyful because it was so hard.
Not that I’m joyfully older..lol..I think about it alot. When I look around at the young moms in my church, I see a lot of really busy moms who don’t really think they have time to have more children. They are busy keeping their kids involved in some good, fun activities.Not that these things are all bad..but some of them send kids off in different directions where they develop best friends with other kids there age and the younger siblings get left in the dust. These are homeschooling families.The kids become disgruntled with the younger siblings. Not a good thing!!
Another thing..it starts to get easier so they fall into the mindset of I’m only going to have 2 or 3 so I can give them the best of me and everything possible. I have heard this from them. I am not putting them down..I know it is not my business to tell somebody how many children to have. But..I can be an encouragement to them maybe by not complaining about what a pain it was to have all these kids.It was not but I try to be mindful of what I say.
I really now try to share things that were helpful to me when my kids were younger. I was Blessed to have women around me who I watched like a hawk..lol..and I learned tons from their wonderful examples..In church..Sunday School and Bible studies.
Mine grew up so fast..I know you all hear that and think..”Oh-will that ever be me”..and Yes..It will be.Then you will be dealing with things like..maybe college..jobs..working schedules..them getting engaged..lol..which is an entire different world..really lol..but a good one. Many,many other grown issues. They will come to you to talk and seek advice. Be ready..it happens quick!
I am really blessed that we all attend the same church. It is quite comical at times because although we have been there for 6 1/2 years, I have had some really funny questions. A couple of older ladies have asked me if they are all from the same husband. I laughed because I have been asked that before.(some of them don’t look at all alike).
My husband looks younger then 52 and three sons are taller then him.
We don’t always sit together..we try but sometimes the church is packed and two grown kids sing in the choir and one helps in the soundbooth so just doesn’t always work that way.Our engaged son sits with his fiance and her family.
I have found that especially people in the church are curious about the dynamics of a large family. We tend to think they should just understand but that is not always the case. I have learned to not be offended by some of the questions. If we don’t tell them honestly..how are they going to know. I know some think it’s a little odd that they are all still at home and I’m okay with that.When the weird questions come up..and they will, if at all possible..just answer without being offended.
I have actually had a couple of people make the statement..Well..I hope they pay rent! (yes..there is a part inside that wants to say-it’s really none of your business) but I was able to tell them that yes..a couple of them do pay rent and appreciate being able to live at home because they know it would cost alot more on their own.Sometimes I’m able to share with them the benefits to all of us with them still being at home and they end up agreeing.
I pray that all you moms of really younger ones will have someone you can talk to and look up to in the church or in your family!
As we get older..we especially CANNOT get the attitude of..”I’ve been there and done that and I am so over it”..We have to continually encourage those around us and stay in the word and draw them back to what is True and Right. I’m just thinking of an older lady in my church who just asked me last night..How are you really and how are things going? She means it so sincerely and I know I can go to her! Thanks for the Post Kelly!!
Keri,
I find that it IS a tricky place to be for those of us who are, ahem, certainly older but still having babies and wrangling toddlers (and dealing with teenage emotions)…in the trenches, as you said. I still feel like a woman who needs to be mentored (I am) and yet I know I’m responsible to younger women too.
I think that’s where a lot of our “unintentional” teaching comes in. It can be a simple word of counter-culture encouragement, or a card, or just living life that encourages another mother. I guess for me, I consider the blog my main sphere of teaching, but we all need to remember how the simplest thing can be huge to another mother.
I agree with you on that Kelly. Also,I really love what one of my friends has said.Something along the lines of..Our kids will mess up at times but how we respond is so important! I really love to say to my friends with little ones that are having a meltdown or something as they are passing me..Quietly enough so the kids doesn’t hear..but the parent does…”My kids never did that when they were younger”..cause they know I’m teasing them but I also add…They won’t be doing that at 20!!
You are absolutely correct! Sometimes it is just the simple things that can encourage another mother!!
“subtly treat them as inferior. The teaching is in the jokes, the sly comments, the subtle nuances. ” I see this on Facebook so much. I never see men post bad jokes or sarcastic comments about women, but it’s a constant with a lot of women. It’s embarrassing. If we treated each other like what Ephesians 4:25-32 and Colossians 3:12-17 among many other scriptures calls us to be there would be no talking about submission constantly. when it comes to marriage there always is talk about submission, but we forget that the rest of scripture that talks about how we should treat each other can be applied to our husbands. Be gentle, patient, build each other up, get rid of the anger and bitterness, think of the other person’s needs, serve each other.
AMEN, Natasha!
This post encouraged me today. So often I feel like I KNOW the right thing to do, the right way to live – but putting this knowledge into practice in my daily life…that’s the challenge. This post motivated me; it’s a great reminder that the way I live my life says more about me than anything else. Thank you.
As an older woman (age 50 and married 26 years), I simply want to say that, after relationship with Christ, the most important thing an older married woman can model for younger women is honor and respect toward her husband.
Your husband is your ally, not your adversary. If you give him honor and respect at all times, even when you disagree on things, you will be able to work together toward complete alignment — unity and oneness of purpose — and the peace that comes from a harmonious relationship with your husband will spill over into your other relationships, most notably to your children.
And if occasion arises that a difference of opinion occurs due to your husband’s failure to align himself with clear biblical principles, then your past honor and respect toward him will go a long ways in getting him to listen to your respectful appeal.
Love and speak well of your husband, and take any concerns you have about him to the Lord. That doesn’t mean we have to pretend our husbands are perfect; we all know they are not, and neither are we. Neither does it mean we need to share specific details about their imperfections — the Lord is working on those; we don’t need other women, or our children, or whomever we are “sharing” with, to fix those problems. And complaining about him, even in general terms, does nothing to teach honor and respect.
Does my post sound too negative? Here’s the good part 😉 Living in unity as husband and wife through thick and thin brings bountiful blessings. Our family has experienced some tremendous challenges in recent months, yet through it all, the love my husband and I have for each other has grown. Though we are still in the midst of the challenges, my husband has become an even more loving and compassionate man than he always was, and I feel loved in a way I’ve never experienced before. After one of the most difficult weeks I’ve had in a long time, the Lord, working through my husband last week, delivered one of the most joyful weekends ever 🙂
Bottom line: trust God with your man. God is working all things for the good of His people, and the beauty he brings to the marital relationship unified in Christ is a spectacular sight to behold! If we can get that right — letting the Lord do His work in our marriages in His time without us standing in the way — our other relationships will also derive a blessing. They can’t help but thrive and flourish when our most important earthly relationship, that of husband and wife picturing our relationship to Christ as His Bride, is emptied of tension and filled with peace.
Your comment is not negative at all! I love it. It is true and encouraging, what more can we ask for? 🙂
Thank you, Kelly. 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to write this! I am going to be re-reading it, it is exactly what I needed to hear.
Thanks very much, TMichelle. 🙂
Really love this! I pray that God will bring more young ladies into my life so they don’t make the mistakes I did!
I just want to say how much I love, admire, and adore my precious husband! He’s incredible! Also, I love having his babies. Yep, said it and I’m not ashamed! 😀
That’s for the encouragement Kelly!
Thank you, Kelly, for this post! As a young wife and mother of two, I am so saddened by the lack of godly older women who are teaching us younger women biblical truth by word and/or example. I just wrote a “Plea to the Older Women” on my blog.
http://theabundantheart1234.blogspot.com/2013/03/a-plea-to-older-women.html?m=1
[…] down, woman to woman in our culture, in the church? I submit to you that the message is often… Read More Share and […]
Such an important post Kelly. Thank you for a heart for this. I bet the retreat was wonderful! Hope you are well. Lord Bless you and your family~
I find it a little arrogant that you will only accept counsel from older women that fits with what you already know or think. I am a Christian and former homeschooler, and I’m certainly not against honoring husbands. But at times, there may be people who have lived life longer that may say things that go against conservative Christian dogma. I know that I used to dismiss anyone who told me something that some big name (Doug Phillips, Bill Gothard, Mary Pride, etc.) told me was an “anti-biblical, worldly philosophy.” I did not truly think about it for myself, research whether the Bible actually said what I thought it did, or give any real consideration to what these practical, wise, caring people told me. Eventually, they realized I wasn’t going to listen and gave up. After dealing with a lot of very difficult issues thanks to being out-of-balance in my ideas, I sure wish I hadn’t thought myself so “wise” and “spiritually mature” and knowing.
Heather–the post says that older women need to be teaching younger women what is biblical–which is what the Bible says. Your beef lies somewhere else. You have no standing to call me “arrogant”. You might proceed with a bit more respect if you want to be heard anymore.
Word Warrior,
If Heather found your post to be arrogant, should you call her disrespectful? She is obviously a women who has been burned by false teachings in the past and may be struggling with the pressure that has been placed on women to be perfect wives and mothers in a day when the secular world scorns the biblical ideal of womanhood.
I found your response to her to be a touch jarring especially coming from someone who had just spoken about being a role model to other women. I do believe that she may have been spot on if her post caused you to lash back in the manner that you did.
In Christ,
Teri
Teri,
I disagree. First, since I wasn’t even speaking, in the post, from a first-person perspective (I was making a general statement, literally *echoing/quoting* from God’s Word), calling it “arrogant” was silly, inappropriate and yes, disrespectful.
And as a mentor, we are certainly allowed to point out when a young lady is being disrespectful in her manner. That wasn’t a “lashing out”. It was a statement of truth.
Respectfully, you were speaking in the first person in your post, sharing information that you had shared at a conference. I do not see biblical quotes in your post only your interpretation of information that may or may not be biblical to someone who has had experience with scripture twisting.
We are told to not to be a stumbling block to those who are “weak” in the faith.
“As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand. One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike. Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. … ” Romans 14:1-23
And we are to be wary of people who would lead us astray:
“See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.” Colossians 2:8
The point that I am trying to make is that any mentoring should be done in a compassionate manner, out of love and not judgement, keeping in line with true biblical principles. To belittle someone for voicing a concern (who may have reviewed more posts than simply this one) could indeed be taken as arrogant.
It is not my intention to offend, but to give counsel from another perspective.
Thank you, Teri, and I understand your comment, but it seems to be misdirected. To tell someone that future comments need to be more respectful is not “belittling”; you’re confused about that.
However, to come on my personal blog (as opposed to emailing me personally) and call me “arrogant” over something I didn’t even say in the post (that’s the part that wasn’t first person)…(“I find it a little arrogant that you will only accept counsel from older women that fits with what you already know or think.”–The post said nothing about “only accepting counsel from certain women”), THAT is belittling and I don’t feel like I stepped out of my Christian bounds to remind her to be more respectful (and relevant) in her future replies.
My response was neither “unloving” nor “judgmental”, both of which you assert. Being a Christian doesn’t forbid us to speak candidly to someone who is falsely slandering. In fact, I think we need much more of it. A mentor who cannot speak candidly when behavior warrants it is no mentor at all.
Quite frankly, even your admonition as a sister, if you don’t like my response, should be done in private–I have a contact form that’s easy to use for that purpose.
I absolutely agree that conversations should be taken offline when they are to correct behavior. Thank you for the lively conversation.
I was taken aback by Heather’s naming names and speaking negatively of other people. While Heather may have been hurt by false teaching (I don’t know) she needs to address those false teachers person to person, not come here and speak ill of other people. I think it would be more than appropriate to have that comment completely deleted if Kelly felt lead to do so. Speaking negatively of someone behind their back is not okay (whether we think it is true or not). I question your character for defending someone who is clearly in the wrong in this instance (whether she has been hurt in the past or not).
I agree with you, TMichelle. Heather’s comment was inappropriate on many levels. And I found it especially telling when she acknowledged, “I did not…research whether the Bible actually said what I thought it did”. It seems apparent, since that statement is in the past tense, that she now knows she should have been examining the Scriptures to see if the teaching she was receiving was true, a la Acts 17:11. [The Bereans]…”searched the scriptures daily, whether those things [Paul’s teachings] were so.”
Heather could have chosen to praise God for having since led her to understand the importance of holding up everything we believe to the light of Scripture, thanking the Lord for any people He used in that process. Instead, she chose to denigrate people whose teachings she listened to while she was failing to use the Bible as her guide to illuminate the truth (or lack therof) of people’s teachings. There is no excuse for a person to listen to those who encourage digging deeper into the Scriptures and then not dig deeper yourself into the Bible to see if everything those teachers teach are in fact Biblical truth.
Heather said, “I find it a little arrogant that you will only accept counsel from older women that fits with what you already know or think. I am a Christian and former homeschooler, and I’m certainly not against honoring husbands. But at times, there may be people who have lived life longer that may say things that go against conservative Christian dogma. I know that I used to dismiss anyone who told me something that some big name (Doug Phillips, Bill Gothard, Mary Pride, etc.) told me was an “anti-biblical, worldly philosophy.” I did not truly think about it for myself, research whether the Bible actually said what I thought it did, or give any real consideration to what these practical, wise, caring people told me. Eventually, they realized I wasn’t going to listen and gave up. After dealing with a lot of very difficult issues thanks to being out-of-balance in my ideas, I sure wish I hadn’t thought myself so “wise” and “spiritually mature” and knowing.”
The only thing I see that is possibly denigrating (meaning to criticize unfairly, denigrate, attack the character or reputation of) in Heather’s statement is the first sentence where she criticizes Word Warrior as being arrogant for listening only to older women who are saying things she already thinks. The reason I can see this as denigrating is because it could be taken a personal attack – calling Word Warrior, the person, arrogant. She could, however, have meant that the action of dismissing the counsel of persons that is not consistent with already held beliefs. I do think that what Heather said there was not fair criticism, was unsupported by the evidence (the text of the original article)and was disrespectful, so yeah, it was denigrating. I found Word Warrior’s response to be absolutely appropriate.
I don’t think that when Heather named names, as mentioned by TMichelle, that she (Heather) was speaking negatively or ill of those people for who they are but was only of their words. There is a difference between attacking people’s characters and criticizing their actions and words, and in this instance, I don’t think that she crossed the line.
I did notice that two of the names that two of the names that Heather mentioned were men, rather than women, and therefore not really relevant to the post. However, it does not take away from her point that we should listen to what people are saying (even those people who are saying things that are inconsistent with our already-held belief system) and compare them against scripture to see if there is any validity to what they are saying.
Heather admitted that she was arrogant in the past, she was hurt because of it, and the end result was that she learned some humility. She is not perfect but then none of us is. She is still growing in faith and maturity, as am I, and so is every single person who professes to be a Christian. We all make mistakes; what matters is how we act when we realize we have done wrong and how we handle it when others do us wrong.
James 5:16 (NIV) says “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
Colossians 3:13 (NIV)states “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
I think we (not anyone specific here) can get a little too caught up on giving people advice that works for our family, or what a preacher says works for families and then calling that biblical and mandatory. I am guilty of this, I see what works with my kids and I think everyone should do the same when I hear them having a problem. We are all so different. There’s no specific formula for children and marriages. We can’t just take these ingredients, pour, stir and viola! Perfect Families.
I see the discipling as something simple, just being a good example and encouraging other mothers, not complaining in front of young moms. The biggest help would be for younger women seeing older women love their husbands and children. I have a friend who is only one year older than me, but she has a very different personality. She is quite and laid back, very easy going. I watch how she disciplines her daughter, and take note. She is not anymore experienced than me, but because she is so different I am able to take ideas from her on how to speak/react/explain things to my kids.
Our husbands are different, they are special and unique. We need to learn about what builds our husbands up, what encourages them. My husband loves to bounce ideas off of me because I play devil’s advocate. I challenge him and point out potential pit falls, and we have the liveliest discussions. I also know when to close my mouth because my husband needs a listening ear, and he doesn’t need my advice,opinions or questions. It’s not a formula, it took time observing him and some fights. He has also learned when I need advice and when I just need him to hear me and encourage me. I know now based on his mood and the subject matter what role he needs me to play and he does the same. sometimes he needs me to take the lead on things because he’s tired and has a lot on his mind. I have an easy time taking control and leading, it’s in my nature, it doesn’t exhaust me. My husband is more introverted, he has a job now where he has to constantly confront people and talk now and usually by the weekend he’s done. As an example I negotiated our car when we bought it. I took complete control and my husband just sat there next to me smiling. He told me, I’m done I have talked non stop for days at work and I would love for you to do all the negotiating for this car. I did, and I was great and I loved it. It invigorated me, where that kind of stuff exhausts my husband. If I had listened to a book or preacher for some exact formula for my marriage, we would be in a mess.
Very good points.
So need to hear this! We have three kids and we are tied with one other family at church for being the largest there. We are the only homeschooling in our congregation and I’m the only stay at home mom there. Needless to say I don’t get a lot of encouragement there, and worse over half the church is also somehow related to my husband, including all elders, adult teachers, and the pastor is his grandpa. So, not much support outside of my husband and my parents(especially my dad), even most of my siblings think we’re crazy.
And yet, you reminded me that I’m influencing our kids, too, and how I react to my situations, to everyday struggles, and to them is more powerful. I fail continuously, and can see how my many years as a feminist still subtlety affect what I say and do now. My kids will never believe that being a helpmeet to a husband and a mother to children for God’s glory is women’s highest calling, unless I treat it that way. Thank you again, for helping me to see that evangelizing and discipling them can be the greatest thing I ever do, in spite of all my sinfulness.
I praise God that you and others online can be that older Titus 2 woman to me. Love in Christ!
Sarah,
Be encouraged; we all fail continuously, on this side of Heaven. (I’ve already cried today with a situation with one of my kiddos.) But we get back up. That’s the important thing 😉
LOL Proof Kelly hit the target.
Thank you for this – I found it encouraging. I have been blessed to have had several mentors in my life and hope to be that kind of mentor to younger ladies at some point as well. Often we are teaching the younger generation through our actions more than anything else. And even more specifically through our REactions – how we react to trials, conflict, disappointment, and even times of blessing.
I’m reading this eight years after you wrote this, and it feels like you wrote it for me. “We’re always older to someone”. I long for women to realize how good a husband is, and what a blessing children are.
Ah, Marilyn, and I am a month in replying. 🙂 Thank you for stopping by. You are so right.