We do love stuffing people in boxes, don’t we? I’m guilty. And I’ve been stuffed in a box or two myself.
In the 21st century, the homemaker gets put into a box almost always. She’s either “dumb, incapable and dull”, or, often from Christian circles, she’s “mislead, brainwashed and micro-managed”, or worse, “dominated.”
Where there is talk of “biblical submission” or “Keepers at Home”, there is no way around throwing most main-stream thinkers into a hissy fit (excuse my Southern idiom), while they jump up and down to correct this antiquated notion.
And the funniest thing of all? After all the efforts to convince the masses that we are not in this box they’ve put us in, when once we attempt to live our lives to prove it, we become a “hypocrite.” “You say one thing and do another”…”No, actually I’ve been saying what you refuse to hear and I live out those beliefs as well.”
It seems a no-win situation.
So, here are some myths and facts about what I believe is the biblical understanding (given through directives and examples) of a Keeper at Home:
Myth: Being a Keeper at Home means I’m imprisoned within these walls, bound only to my household duties of laundry and dishes, where it would be useless to be educated or continue furthering my education.
Fact: Being a Keeper at Home does entail many, practical, household duties. Some can be (and should be) delegated, often at different seasons of life. Practical duties are good within themselves and homemaking allows opportunities to go way beyond the menial into the magnificent as we look for ways to expand our natural gifts and bents, serving even in the menial tasks, to the glory of God. But being a homemaker allows me to further my education continually; an important asset to a woman. It also allows me the free time to do many things I love. I can grow and thrive in ways I never had the time or energy to do when I worked two full time jobs.
Myth: Believing in the biblical role of marriage means your husband must manage and control all you do.
Fact: That’s a lie. Our home is my domain. I am the manager, the guard. Our family is run by the two of us who are jointly one flesh. We have the same goals and visions as it regards our life purpose and how our family plays into that. But I am responsible for managing my home and if he has to micro-manage it, I’m not doing my job. He trusts me. He’s there if I need him. I’m so glad he’s there to solve problems that feel too big or to help me get my bearing straight when I lose focus. That’s his protective role. It is not his job to give me permission for every detail of life. We discuss things together. If there is something he doesn’t want done a certain way he tells me and I either appeal if I disagree or I fulfill his request because I am on his team.
Myth: A Keeper at Home shouldn’t be involved in business or extra activities–she doesn’t have time.
Fact: That could be true. It all depends on seasons of life, family interests and dynamics, specific details of a family’s structure, or a woman’s discipline. I’ve been scolded for blogging, for running an internet business and anything else “extra”. It’s that box people desperately want us to be in. Extras must be prioritized. If our endeavors are hindering our job to manage, guard and keep the affairs of our homes and children, then perhaps the extras are too much. But all women have “extras” that are, in my opinion, very healthy both to her and to her family. The difference is, my extras may look different than yours.
One woman likes to sew and devotes a certain portion of her time to it. That’s usually OK because sewing is very “homemakey” thing to do 😉 But what if she doesn’t sew? What if she finds her gift in writing? Or marketing? Or internet business? Some women delight in culinary arts and spend time watching cooking shows to enhance their skills. Some women love to read extensively and spend a set aside time doing that. Some exercise more than others. I think creative outlets are essential to the overall spirit of a woman (and thus, her family), as long as they are kept in check and do not displace her mother/wife duties. (I warn here that we should be very careful to keep our extras in check. It is easy to neglect the menial (which is a necessary part of life) or much worse, to neglect the emotional needs of our husband and children. “I need my creative outlet” can never be an excuse to neglect our far greater duties.)
Myth: Some women are called to be a Keeper at Home. But many simply aren’t.
Fact: I disagree. A man is to provide for his family if he has a family. He doesn’t wait to feel “called.” Same goes for a woman who has given birth. She is a mother. She doesn’t need to be called to it.
From Scripture, it is ideal for a woman to be a Keeper at Home, if she has a home and family (Titus 2). We shouldn’t make apologies for encouraging the younger women to be keepers at home. It is precisely what we’re instructed from Scripture to do. It is a full time job and it ‘s cruel to put demands on a woman expecting her to take another full time job in addition to the one she already has. Unfortunately, there are times a woman isn’t able to be a Keeper at Home. This reality doesn’t negate the fact that families need her.
My desire is that “homemaker” or whatever word one prefers, would lose its stigma and would evoke a positive emotion in us. I pray that we all come to recognize the importance of the stability of the family and unanimously agree that it’s a good thing in which to invest a life.
27 comments
Oh, that last one’s gonna get ya. 😀 Sharing.
I’m not trying, I promise 😉
LOL! I was thinking the same thing! Great post Kelly.
Well said! Thanks for sharing!
Oh goodness. Following callings and dreams seems to be quite the popular topic in the Christian women’s circle as of late. I recently heard a ‘famous’ Christian blogger/speaker claim that hiring a nanny/keeper of the home was okay if you were busy obeying your calling from God. I mean, I get it. I am a dreamer, too, but the problem is I cannot find anywhere in scripture that supports the notion that God would call us to something away from our families. Extras and dreams that enhance our families, yes, but not those that require others to fill in our gaps on a regular basis. I am fearful of the message this is sending to wives and mothers in our generation. It no longer seems that jobs will be what keep women out of their homes, but now passions. This particular speaker was using the scripture that talks about us all having different roles, but being part of one body as her biblical foundation for her beliefs, and that yes, some women could have callings or roles that remove them from the home. But I fear if we are all busy pursuing our own passions, who will be available to raise the next generation? So many thoughts, mostly just rambles, but this particular topic has been heavy on my heart.
One more subtle (not so subtle?) way the humanistic worldview of the culture has seeped into the church. While there is deep joy and contentment in the Christian life, it is most definitely not primarily about finding our passions, especially to the neglect of that which God has given us to do.
Great post, Kelly! I’d offer only one (picky) addition to the final point you make: While I completely agree that any woman who has given birth is called (quite profoundly and unequivocally) to make her family her primary vocation, I do think it’s important to help our sisters and daughters understand that not every woman is called to marriage and motherhood. And, I would say that those women who do NOT want to make family their priority are probably not called (at least at this time) to marriage.
The Lord designed us for marriage and family. I don’t agree that one has a “calling for marriage and children” I believe that is just part of who we are supposed to be. It’s slippery slope saying some are not “called” to marry. Unless you are in a convent and becoming a nun and that is your “calling” I am not sure how one could argue that one has to have a “calling” for marriage.
Liz – I am Catholic, and believe very firmly that marriage is a vocation. It’s not just something I believe one should do because “it’s time” or because “that’s what people do” or because you “fell in love.” But marriage and child-rearing is a serious undertaking. In addition, I know many people who for years (or decades) have been unable to find a spouse. They are not incomplete in their lives because God has not provided them with a partner. I have also known many Christian women who felt they were so incomplete without a family that they married most unwisely and have ended up with devastating divorces. I think it’s very, very important that we do not put ourselves into boxes and say, “This is what everyone does.” Absolutely God can call different men and women to different ways of life – convents, included. Most people will be called to marriage, but not all. I believe strongly that we need to provide space and encouragement for those who have been called differently so that they have the ability to explore their own callings and follow God, not man.
Liz, your contention that this is “part of who we’re supposed to be” w/regard to marriage and motherhood is a painfully hard sell to married women who would love to have kids, but are unable. Or, would like to be married, but aren’t, as is the case of my oldest daughter. If your contention is true, and this what they’re “supposed to be,” then why are there childless couples and singles who would like to be married? Statements like yours could potentially add to the pain of the unfulfilled desires of those groups of people. Infertility is a real issue. Being single, but desiring to marry is a real issue. Furthermore, your statement it flies in the face of what Paul states in I Corinthians 7:7-8:
“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.”
The Bible says some are given the gift of celibacy. That it is rare. Most people are called to marriage and maybe parenthood if that marriage is blessed with children. So it is not wrong to prepare children for that eventual role. In fact it also says fathers are to raise their children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. So they need to be encouraged to be nurturers also. Fathers generally have less time to fulfill their Titus 2 role than the stay-at-home mothers do. It wasn’t always the way for the fathers to leave their families all day 5/6 days a week in the care of the mother to fulfill the role of 2 people. Just typing as I think off tangent. I agree with your post although I found the beginning a little hard to follow. That’s just because I’m not particularly smart and probably do fulfill that stereotypical plain/uneducated SAH identity. I did start homemaking because I couldn’t hack a job in the “real world.”
I think you might be selling yourself short, Hayley. From your articulate response, it seems that you are quite smart. Perhaps you haven’t had an opportunity to develop marketable skills, but those can be learned. In fact, being a SAHM gives you lots of opportunities to master all kinds of skills, even if you never make money with them.
Is this anti-homemaker thing regional, because where I live I get praised, complimented or applauded all the time! Sure, I’ve had some detractors, but over all, people, career women especially are remarkably supportive.
I’ve had career women say, “wow, now THAT’S a real job!!”
Others have said, “Oh yeah, you work! Harder than anyone!”
I have never been seen as dumb, oppressed, lazy, dominated….mostly, I get, “I couldn’t do that. i’d go stir crazy or the kids would drive me nuts.”
Otherwise, many career moms confess they wish they could stay home.
There are even dads who longingly say they wish they could work from home.
And lest you think I live in some quaint bible belt picket, I actually live in new York!!
If
Libl,
That’s great. I do live in the Bible belt and the attitude is still negative. Now it’s not always an outright insult (“if you stay home it must be because you’re dumb”)–that kind of thing is never spoken out loud. But I *have* had people say to me that I’m “wasting” my college degree (there’s at least 2 oxymorons in that statement).
Also, very few people receive the idea of a young, unmarried woman “preparing for a career at home.” They can’t wrap their brains around it because they don’t view it as such. My oldest daughter is pursing a higher education from home, working on possibilities for a home business, working and saving money, volunteering at a crisis pregnancy center, teaching a subject to her younger siblings, expanding her knowledge of practical skill sets (like carpentry and plumbing), preparing for a mission trip to Peru, devoting more time and energy into her music, among many other things, and STILL, since she isn’t going the route of traditional college, she receives disdain, even from Christian women.
It’s there. It just lurks in different comments and reactions. And I probably see/get more of it as a blogger who hears from all walks of women willing to be more honest behind a computer screen.
Kelly,
Thank you for your excellent post. Your previous post, however, has been haunting me. I couldn’t listen to the webinar, but I would be very grateful if you could cover more on the topic…
Thanks!
Cynthia,
As soon as the interview gets put up on the Christian Heritage website, I will be posting a link to it. I think some very good discussions could spawn out of it. I also may just write a summary post of the interview too.
When we can stop getting defensive about what we do and just do it with the love and grace of a Christian, wife and mother, maybe then the world will see that there is something to this job we have!
I don’t feel like I’m in a box at all but it could be that I’m a little older now and just don’t care as much what people think anymore. I see the fruit (we are not perfect here..lol) of my job with my kids as most of them are grown now.
I do have a heart for young moms as I see them trying to do so much at the expense of their family and try to encourage them along the way!
I’m not sure the world or even some Christians will ever understand why we do what we do. I once had a friend tell me that I was a “Career Mom” and she just couldn’t be. I was actually thinking..Even if you have to work,husband and kids need to be first priority.
I know it’s tough when kids are little and we feel like there is so much more that we can be offering the world(I used to feel this way)but I’m telling you it’s worth it to not neglect these things for things you may think are better or more important.
I’m still amazed at when I look back on when my kids were little, the ways the Lord gave us all many chances to tell others about him.
Or Eating bon bons while lounging on the couch all day lol on a serious note though my 14 year old daughter saw the movie it’s a girl and she has been strongly moved to study India and she wants to one day go there not for a mission trip but to go and stay long term. To share the gospel with the women there. Every time she starts to talk about it and why she breaks down in tears…. It’s beautiful and I really think that could be her calling. She says hopefully her brothers will come with her or her husband. To be honest I don’t think if she doesn’t marry or her brothers don’t want to go that shouldn’t keep her from that service to The Lord. I will go with her if she continues to be called that way. She informed me she has been wanting to go to India for a long time even before seeing that movie.
So I guess what I am saying is I don’t want to put her in a box either:0) I’m training her to love her children and husband and to be a keeper at home but who am I to tell a daughter if the King no you can go to India if He is leading her there?
I completely agree with all of this Kelly. Thanks! You are a real encouragement, and I pray for you. Hope your webinar went well (and hint I’d like a summary too!)
Totally agree!
Gotta be careful about that free time, you might just pick up a book and learn something. Best to stay by the stove and cook or sew,,oh wait,,sewing is something according toKelly is usually ok,,JUST BE CAREFUL, be aware of your free time,your taking awayfrom the home and family
If you can’t say Amen, say Ouch!
Ouch!
Our home is my domain. I am the manager, the guard… But I am responsible for managing my home and if he has to micro-manage it, I’m not doing my job. He trusts me. He’s there if I need him.
I have been on a reading of Titus 2 lately. And I am realizing that I have been taking advantage of my husband’s willingness to “help” and sloughing off the jobs I dislike onto him entirely. If I am the manager, I need to take ownership. I know that’s a little beside the main point of your post, but God has really used your post to convict me.
Alma,
I’ve been guilty of the same. You are not alone.
Kelly wrote:
We shouldn’t make apologies for encouraging the younger women to be keepers at home. It is precisely what we’re instructed from Scripture to do. It is a full time job and it‘s cruel to put demands on a woman expecting her to take another full time job in addition to the one she already has.
My question is this: If both a husband and a wife work outside the home, why should all the responsibilities for cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, etc., all be the responsibility of the wife? Until my husband became disabled, we did it this way for almost 25 years.
I don’t think they necessarily *should*, but because women generally are suited (called?) to the home duties, and the husband isn’t, she naturally fulfills her job and he doesn’t, by nature.
I’m not saying those duties shouldn’t be more balanced in a situation where a wife simply MUST work, but I am pointing out that work at home is a full time job and we shouldn’t, generally speaking, expect that women take up another full time job.
I love this! Far too often, I’m met by people who express pity for me because I stay home to take care of the house and children. I don’t need the pity- I love this life! There is nothing that makes me feel more fulfilled than what I am doing right now.