My friend, Stacy, at Your Sacred Calling has written a powerful 4-part series on adultery and divorce…
“Each year, thousands of men and women, even some who claim Christ, reject their covenant vows and give up what God intended to be a celebration of life-long, life-giving unity. Deceived by fleshly desires, they trade in the gift of God-glorifying oneness for a bloody trail of debt, loneliness, and broken children….
Adultery is unique in its cruelty. It is harshly personal. Its jagged blade violates the soul like a violent assault. Such a betrayal communicates rejection and treachery. It digs its claws into the heart, hoping to infect each wound with bitterness and hatred—even self hatred. The very one who has promised to love you until death, who has seen you at your most vulnerable moments, has forsaken his vows and embraced a stranger. What could be more cutting?”
Read the full article HERE.
29 comments
It was an interesting post but to be honest,my biggest concern about writings like this is that people read them and think they have free reign to get a divorce.I have seen it happen..to many times.We all know that God hates divorce..I am Not saying that there is not forgiveness and Grace to those who are divorced because there is..He says he forgives us and cleanses us if we ask him. I have to ask forgiveness of my sins..they are the same..you know..like when I lie, or scream at a kid..sin is sin..I have two really good friends who are divorced and they Do Not feel it is right for them to remarry.They have done extensive bible studies on this and have come to this conclusion..I know..it doesn’t seem fair..I feel at times it’s not fair for them..since they were not the one to initiate the divorce. Life is not always fair..God wants us to love him, obey him and this is the decision they have made. I personally find some of Stacy’s posts a little to “victorian” or odd..She probably is a very nice person and seems to really love her family which is good but I do strongly disagree with some of her views..
Thing is, this view of hers isn’t Victorian at all. It’s vital.
Jennifer, How would it be vital?
Um, because many people feel they’re compelled to stay in dead marriages.
Dead Marraiges..I think I know what your saying but after being married 29 yrs…I’m glad I didn’t give up when our marraige seemed dead..
Indeed, thank God you didn’t. I think everything should be done to save a marriage, but some are never revived.
I know. I didn’t mean to come off sounding like I had it all figured out! My prayers certainly go out to those in that situation.
Oh, I know! You didn’t sound that way; I was just acknowledging that, sometimes, marriages do die and it’s awful; it’s often because one person won’t fight.
Please pray, btw, about a man elsewhere who’s had bad experience; he’s giving some negative advice about women.
I thought the post was wonderful, especially to those who have been wounded (I have not).
I’ve been thinking…. wouldn’t it be nice if you could update your family picture on your “about us” page? 😀 Some day…. I know life is a little crazy with the house but just keep it in mind;)
While divorce and its aftermath is truly a heartbreaking situation, and the Body of Christ should be lovingly ministering to the “grace widows” (a term I’d never heard before), I am troubled by how Stacy appeared to be saying in her series that grace widows should be free to remarry, and that it’s false doctrine and unloving to tell people that remarriage could be considered adulterous in some situations.
Maybe I didn’t understand her correctly, but if that is what she is saying, I am trying to reconcile that with Matthew 19:9. Here is how the verse reads in the King James Version (“put away” means divorce):
“And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: *AND* [emphasis mine] whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
This verse speaks not only to the instigator of the divorce, but also to the innocent party AND any future spouse he/she may have. According to my understanding of this verse (and I’m open to correction if I’m wrong) the innocent party is NOT free to remarry while their ex-spouse is alive (unless the divorce was caused by fornication), because the innocent party would be causing the new spouse to commit adultery.
I understand that the second part of Matt. 19:9 seems so unfair to our human reasoning; yet there it stands, God’s inspired Word. We dare not allow our feelings and/or experiences to trump the truth of Scripture. (I’m not suggesting, though, that people in subsequent marriages following divorces for whatever reason need to divorce one’s current spouse, and I don’t believe Scripture says that, either.) But we need to know what the Bible says, and willingly uphold its truths.
Thanks for the link, Kelly. I do think Stacy’s series and the comments had some good insights on practical things the Body of Christ can do to minister to those hurt by divorce. I think the most loving way to minister will involve being true to scripture as the Holy Spirit illuminates the Word, and, in that context, helping the hurt in whatever situation they currently face.
Thank-you 6 arrows..Those were the exact verses that my friends had shared with me. I strongly believe also that we should never make those who have been divorced feel like they are unworthy.Never.We do need to minister to them in whatever they are facing.Nor do I believe that those who are remarried should divorce and stay divorced..Who ever came up with that idea? I have actually read that people have been told they should do that.My heart certainly goes out to those who have been in a marraige and abandoned by adultery.
I don’t think so. Stacy, or one of her commenters, explained that some of the passages referred to husbands putting away wives without divorcing them. Paul also specifically said that if an unbelieving spouse abandons another spouse, the one left behind is NOT BOUND, for God called us to live in peace.
Hi Jennifer! I’m glad you mentioned the Corinthians passage about how a spouse left behind by an unbelieving spouse is not bound. It’s a good passage I wanted to discuss more, but it’s after midnight where I’m at and today is my birthday so I’m taking the day off, LOL! Talk to you later…have a good day!
You have a good day too 🙂
Getting back to you, Jennifer, on Paul’s passage concerning unbelievers departing, and the abandoned spouse not being bound…that’s a good point that you’re bringing up in this discussion. It motivated me to dig deeper into I Corinthians 7, and for that I thank you.
I found so much meat in that part of scripture, of course, that I don’t think I’m going to attempt to say any more! Way too much to go into here, and I think I’ve monopolized Kelly’s blog enough lately, anyway!
Thanks for “listening” to my ramblings, Jennifer. *smiles*
Thanks, Keri. I thought that might have been the verse you were referring to. And I can hear your kindness of heart toward those suffering from divorce.
Blessings to you!
Thankyou! Thought I would let you know that I have 6 arrows also ranging from 27 yrs. to 13 yrs..never a dull moment!
Fun! Our six range from age 21 down to almost 4. It’s so neat to have a blend of children and young adults in our house now!
I completely understand what you’re saying, but wasn’t the article about adultery? Wasn’t it focused on women whose husbands *had* committed adultery? (At least, that’s what the little vignette story in the first part was about.) If so, that wouldn’t that allow them the possibility of remarriage?
sorry for the extra “that” 🙂
Yes, the article Kelly linked to (Part 1 in Stacy’s series) was about adultery. In reading the whole series, though, I found Stacy expanded the subject to “adultery and abandonment.” I was responding more to the series as a whole, and was concerned that Matt. 19:9 was not mentioned. Some commenters spoke of situations without referring to adultery, and I fear some of them may have been misled into believing that remarriage couldn’t possibly be adulterous for anyone but the original instigator.
As far as your question about the possibility of remarriage for the victims of adultery, yes, I definitely believe they are free to remarry, according to Matt. 19:9.
I see your point 6 arrows, but I would submit that the majority (certainly not 100%, but a vast majority) of spouses who initiate divorce in our day and age do so because they have or are planning to commit adultery. In that case, the forsaken spouse would be free to remarry.
Even the few cases you hear of where one spouse leaves “just because,” they usually end up dating and/or marrying someone else within a short period of time. Which would be committing adultery, correct?
You’ve brought up some thought-provoking questions to which I’m not sure how to respond, quite truthfully. And I’m uncomfortable trying to discern where to draw the line on specific questions based on other peoples’ experiences, like “planning to commit adultery” or entering into a new relationship. (When, and under what circumstances is it adultery?)
In general, I think Matthew 19:9, as I’ve said in other comments, shows that the victims of adultery are free to remarry. Your questions did get me to thinking, though, about *when* adultery occurs and what its timing means biblically.
We can certainly all agree that cheating while still living with one’s spouse is definitely adultery. What about if the affair doesn’t begin until after one spouse leaves, but it’s before the divorce is final? Is that adultery? What if the divorce is final before any new relationship commences? Is divorce in the eyes of the law the same as divorce in the eyes of God?
I know you didn’t ask all those questions! *smiles* It’s just where my mind goes when contemplating different scenarios that could be considered adultery. I believe, though, the Bible does make it clear that there are instances that God views as adultery that we may not necessarily have thought of as adulterous. I certainly need more time to do in-depth Bible study on the subject, but those are my impressions from what I’ve studied so far.
Thanks for the discussion.
I would say that divorce by law does not equal divorce by “God’s law,” so to speak. If I leave my husband because of “irreconcilable differences,” then I may be divorced according to the laws of the USA, but not by the word of God. However, I do believe that if, during this separation and/or divorce, I begin a dating or marriage relationship, then yes, I have committed adultery.
As for the “planning to commit adultery” comment, I only meant that even if someone hasn’t physically committed adultery, most people who obtain a divorce do so because there is someone else, and they want to end the first marriage before pursuing a physical relationship with the other person. This brings to mind Jesus’ teaching on lust being adultery. I know it’s impossible to know another person’s motives, and I am largely drawing on personal observation here, but I know of so many marriages that ended because they just weren’t “in” love anymore. But these were sadly followed by the initiator beginning a new relationship with someone else before the divorce was even finalized by state law.
It’s a thought provoking topic, for sure. And sadly, very relevant to our current culture.
Oh, I also meant to say that if one spouse leaves the other because they are committing adultery, I do believe the “grace widow/er” is free to remarry. However, it’s my belief that they are not to do so until their divorce if finalized by government law. Not because I believe government law trumps God’s word, but because we are also taught to submit to the authorities He has placed over us. I am not aware of any biblical teaching that gives a divorced spouse leave to remarry whenever they want.
For instance, in my state, a divorce will only be granted if the couple has been separated for one year. So, if my husband leaves me for someone else and files for divorce, I am not free to pursue any relationship or marry for the duration of that year. By law, I am still considered married for that year.
Thanks for your thoughts here…and I had forgotten about Jesus’ teaching on lust as adultery. It’s probably a good time for me to review the Sermon on the Mount…good reminder!
Sorry about all those questions I put in my first reply to you…I hope you didn’t feel like I was expecting you to answer them! I thought you made good points in your responses to them, though.
Have a nice weekend.
I’m sorry I’ve been unable to participate in this discussion…I’m swamped with duties right now. I have discussed/questioned some of these same things in other posts on marriage and divorce. I’m not certain about the remarriage thing…it’s something I’ve tried to study and understand for a long time. Some believe it is NEVER OK to remarry–even the offended spouse (of adultery). I certainly believe we have failed to teach the gravity of divorce and I also believe God does not condone remarriage from a divorce over “irreconcilable differences”. Good thoughts here…
I know I am several posts late to this discussion, so I won’t even jump in to the above one, but I do feel compelled to comment on a larger scale because this hits home on such a personal level for me.
7 years ago, my stepfather, who was a Baptist minister and my pastor at the time, had an affair with my best friend who also had a husband and small children. Neither of them wanted anything but each other and, in the end, both marriages ended in divorce. It was devastating to say the least. The church was ripped apart, our families were devastated and the havoc wreaked was insurmountable. God is good, nevertheless, and I could write a million books on His faithfulness to my mother and to my family during these 7 years (for the record, though, she is NOT remarried).
Just this month, a pastor in a nearby city did the same thing with a deacons wife (this time the denomination is PCA… which proves that it doesn’t matter in the least what denomination/confession, ect. one subscribes to). My pastor is chairman of the committee of our local Presbytery that has the very hard task of handing down the discipline and stepping in to help mend the broken and hurting church. Same song, different church.
And I can tell you of several others that have come to my attention over the last 7 years, as well. SEVERAL.
I say all of this to say, THESE MESSAGES ARE IMPORTANT!! This sin is an absolutely rampant one that needs to be talked about and not swept under the rug. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. But I can tell you, unequivocally, the horror of a fall is far worse. We cannot sit back with our masks on and pretend that people aren’t struggling because the enemy is LAUGHING at us.
Anyway… I could go on forever about the “why’s and wherefore’s”, about how this sin is so prevalent, but I don’t have time. Thank you for reposting this article, Kelly. I’ve somehow missed it even though I try to keep up with Stacy’s blog.