“A starter marriage is a first marriage that lasts five years or less and ends before the couple has children.” (Wikipedia)
The term “starter marriage” has actually been coined due to the “trend” of so many who divorce within five years of marriage.
If the term were only applicable to unbelievers, I wouldn’t even be blogging about it. But we’re seeing a parallel atrocity within the community of Christians. (I don’t want to rub salt into the wounds of those who have been divorced…I’m talking about helping those who are still married avoid it.)
This is a tragedy that should be breaking our hearts! To watch those who profess the name of Christ treat a holy, covenantal institution so flippantly! It is especially “trendy” among the younger generation.
Question is, what we can do about it?
I have no doubt that many, many Christians don’t fully understand the seriousness of the marriage covenant. That to stand before God and witnesses, making lifetime vows, is to enter into a covenant NOT just with another person, but with God Himself.
Until we fully know the weight of a marriage covenant, we will lack the conviction to counsel others in the right direction.
The message of the culture (and I mean this message is coming from every direction) is, “If you are not “happy”, it’s your fault. Do whatever it takes.”
Unhappiness has become plenty a reason to get divorced. And while I believe God wants us to fully enjoy our marriages, it is not a requirement for keeping your covenant vows.
I would think all of us will, at some point, have the opportunity to counsel someone who is at least struggling in her marriage. And although every situation is different, we must speak truth to our friends, making no room for divorce, and reclaim the reputation of Christ. (I know about the biblical “loophole” for divorce…but there are ramifications to that we’ll discuss on another day.) Then, we have to pass on the “til death do us part” mindset to our children.
The world is looking to us to see how faithful the Bride is to her Groom.
8 comments
Personal happiness. I don’t think any other culture has been as focused on the pursuit of individual happiness. Pagan philosophers call it hedonism. The Bible calls it selfishness. It’s the anithesis of Christianity.
Tina
“Starter marriage”? This is the first time I hear something like this, and I must say it sounds appalling.
– Mrs. T (formerly Anna S)
Ma’am,
If you’re wondering WHY an increasing number of young, Godly, Christian men are eschewing marriage, it’s the fact that Christian women divorce their husbands MORE often than their worldly counterparts do! These men are also just as devastated by the fallout, since Wifey went to the Godless, Satanic ‘family court’ to dissolve her marriage. I seem to remember Paul having a thing or two to say about the Corinthians settling their matters before worldly courts-silly me…
If you look around, there are a number of young, Christian men who see women in the church as being dressed up versions of the worldly skanks we see every day. They see that the modern Christian woman is little better than her secular sister. In response, these guys rightfully say, “Why bother? Why get married to one of these harpies?” I can’t see a reason to do so…
If you go to my blog, click on the links for Captain Singleness and Many Luxury Vacations; these blogs are by young Christian men, and they have NO intention of getting married. I know that reading them may be difficult; I know how you ladies are so averse to anything that even RESEMBLES criticism, that you’ll want to dismiss what they say. Ah, they must hate women, have issues with Mommy, and all the other shaming BS we’ve heard a MILLION times before; please, spare me. It is too bad I never got a dollar for every time I’ve heard the aforementioned insults in response to me saying something a woman didn’t like; I’d be a rich man by now!
What I’m saying is this: the truth (the answer to the question of why single, Christian men are forsaking marriage) IS out there. That’s not just a line from “The X-Files”; it’s true. The truth IS out there. The question is this: do you wish to find it? Once you do, do you have the GUTS to read it?
MarkyMark
I am not prone to think that you or anyone linking arms with you have “Mommy issues”, unless they are, of course, real ones, like a feminist-brain-washed Mom who has done some damage to the manly nature of her son.
I see anger…and it’s mostly justified, I think. I’ve long seen the unfairness, the prejudice done against men, and you have every right to be angry at the feminist’s agenda for it.
I’m angry too…thus, this blog.
Mark, I have to say that the difficulty you and other young Christian men are having in finding a good wife might be due in part to the disgraceful bad language I see on your websites (I haven’t looked very far, but what I saw was enough to know it was NOT appropriate reading for someone of any age).
You might not use such language in ‘real life’, you might just indulge in such sin on the internet, but believe me, it IS sin and it is tarnishing your soul as surely as if you were shouting it at your grandmother. Sensible, dignified Christian girls will run a mile from such behaviour, and wise parents will prevent their daughters from becoming acquainted with you.
If you want to start serving the Lord, and have a happy Christian marriage, get down to your church, discuss ALL of what you have been doing with your pastor, get out your Bible, and start praying for the Lord to forgive your sins.
I’m sorry if this sound harsh. I’ve no doubt you’ve had a hard life – but if you were my brother, this is what I would advise you. I am praying hard for you and other Christian young men behaving the way you are. God bless you.
MarkyMark…you complain about all the shaming comments you have heard, yet fail to see your own. thus, you have now rained judgment down on yourself. no reason to call ladies ‘skanks’. you problaby have a good message, but unfortunately its not going to be heard…no matter how much guts anyone has, simply due to the bashing.
regarding marriage…..it still takes two. my husband smokes crack (yes, he is a christian) and spent way too much family money on it….and i ended up needing to get a restraining order on him. he is now seeing a christian counselor, and smoking crack. the counselor and his parents are annoyed with me that i cant just see the willingness of my husband. yeah, i was…..til i found phone records he is smoking again. wowee. however, he has the myriads convinced i am his problem. convenient.
i prayed for that man, let him be the leader…and put his life before mine on a consistant basis. some people seem to juust want to or like to live in pig poop.
i cannot, nor can anyone completely control what someone else will do. im still married. but i still cant control the final outcome. i can only simply do my part. entering back into a home with my husband when he is lying and stealing and refusing to be honest or held accountable…..will eventually take its toll on me. im human, and ive been through the ringer. its not me who is deciding not to be married right now….it is him. i hit a limit where i was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. im sure some here can surmise that must be because i wasnt handling it properly, thus the consequence of a nervous breakdown. no, people suffer consequences at the hands of others. its unfair, but it is the world we live in. god never promises to 100% shield me from the effects of sin.
Authentically me, my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately to let your husband back in and give him control of the finances would be “enabling.” I hope YOU have some godly Christian people locking arms with you, my sister. You also need some Christian counselling and a lot of understanding for your bretheren.
I can’t speak for Kelly, but I don’t think you are the type she was talking about in this post… just more the I’m unhappy and I want out sort of idea that is wrong. You sound unhappy and want IN the marriage so bad, and yet… you cannot make those choices for dh. I hear ya.
*Applause* I have several friends my age (early twenties) who are now on the other side of divorce proceedings with their starter marriages, and it is devastating to me. As a Catholic, we also believe that, while you can annul a marriage and say that the convenant never rightly took place– YOU CANNOT DIVORCE. It just doesn’t exist. What God has joined, man cannot separate. So, the second marriage? The one they call the good one? It’s adultery! And, you’re expected to sit back and say, “Oh, I’m so glad you got it right this time around,” when all you’re really thinking is…where is your REAL wife– your REAL husband? What about that person that you’re covenanted to for life, whether or not you acknowledge it?