large families

(Susanna Wesley, mother of 19 children, nine dying in infancy.)

During a year of absence, her husband having left temporarily over a minor dispute, Susanna wrote to him:

“I am a woman, but I am also the mistress of a large family. And though the superior charge of the souls contained in it lies upon you, yet in your long absence I cannot but look upon every soul you leave under my charge as a talent committed to me under a trust. I am not a man nor a minister, yet as a mother and a mistress I felt I ought to do more than I had yet done. I resolved to begin with my own children; in which I observe, the following method: I take such a proportion of time as I can spare every night to discourse with each child apart. On Monday I talk with Molly, on Tuesday with Hetty, Wednesday with Nancy, Thursday with Jacky, Friday with Patty, Saturday with Charles.”

Susanna Wesley’s “By-laws”

There were several by-laws observed among us, which slipped my memory, or else they had been inserted in their proper place; but I mention them here because I think them useful.

1. It had been observed that cowardice and fear of punishment often led children into lying till they get a custom of it which they cannot leave. To prevent this, a law was made that whoever was charged with a fault of which they were guilty, if they would ingenuously confess it and promise to amend, should not be beaten. This rule prevented a great deal of lying and would have done more if one in the family would have observed it. But he could not be prevailed on and therefore was often imposed on by false colors and equivocations; which none would have used (except one), had they been kindly dealt with. And some, in spite of all, would always speak truth plainly.

2. That no sinful action, as lying, pilfering, playing at church, or on the Lord’s day, disobedience, quarreling, and so forth, should ever pass unpunished.

3. That no child should ever be chid or beaten twice for the same fault; and that if they amended, they should never be upbraided with it afterwards.

4. That ever signal act of obedience, especially when it crossed upon their own inclinations, should be always commended and frequently rewarded according to the merits of the cause.

5. That if ever any child performed an act of obedience or did anything with an intention to please, though the performance was not well, yet the obedience and intention should be kindly accepted; and the child with sweetness directed how to do better for the future.

6. That propriety be inviolably preserved and none suffered to invade the property of another in the smallest matter, though it were but of the value of a farthing or a pin; which they might not take from the owner without, much less against, his consent. This rule can never be too much inculcated on the minds of children; and from the want of parents or governors doing it as they ought proceeds that shameful neglect of justice which we may observe in the world.

7. That promises be strictly observed; and a gift once bestowed, and so the right passed away from the donor, be not resumed but left to the disposal of him to whom it was given; unless it were conditional and the condition of the obligation not performed.

8. That no girl be taught to work till she can read very well; and then that she be kept to her work with the same application, and for the same time, that she was held to in reading. This rule also is much to be observed; for the putting children to learn sewing before they can read perfectly is the very reason why so few women can read fit to be heard and never to be well understood.

From the journal of Susanna’s son, John Wesley

Raising children who do their work cheerfully (or at least without grumbling) and have a heart for serving is a big deal to us.  I think it should be a big deal to any Christian family.  But children usually don’t just “serve naturally.”  None of us does, though some possess more of a gift for serving.

In addition to teaching our children that “Christ came not to be served, but to serve”, I think we must be proactive toward developing that characteristic, especially in a culture where “others first” is so foreign.  Below is a portion of an article I wrote for Homeschool Enrichment Magazine about raising children who love to help:

The Power of Words:

“The words that you speak to your children will largely impact the kind of children they will become, and the character they will develop.  “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.” It is up to  parents, to guide “the thinking of the heart.”  Words are your most powerful weapon in shaping the thinking of your children.  Let me give you an example of something I might say to help my children develop a heart for serving :

(Stop what I’m doing, and kneel down, looking into the child’s eyes…)  “I just saw you pick up the toys that you got out.  Do you know what a blessing that is to me?  When you help like that, your little sisters and brothers see you, and then they want to help.  What you just did was so responsible and diligent.  I am so proud of the way you are a part of this team.”

Of course we affirm our children just for being who they are; but there are practical steps to building their character.

What about a child who struggles with being a “team member”?  These children need extra amounts of praise, and sometimes discipline for their lack of cooperation.  But I try to look especially hard for small steps in the right direction, and then just make a really big deal about it.  You will be amazed at the difference it makes!

Another thing that works well as you praise their efforts, is to point them out to the other children, and later to their Dad.  Sometimes I stop and say, “Everybody come look at ______…she is doing such a great job washing dishes!”  And then I may turn to the child and say “I am so glad God gave you to us…you are a gift!”

A point to be made about the power of words, is that you can completely change a person’s habits by speaking about him the way you wish he were.  Not lying, mind you, but taking every tiny opportunity to speak in a positive direction.  Sometimes, if a child is struggling with completing tasks in a timely manner, I will just say one day, “Wow, you are so fast!  You really got that job done quickly!” And it instantly sparks the desire in them to be more efficient.

It is all about expressing through various ways, that your children are valuable, that they are an important part of your family, that they are significant.  Everyone wants to feel like his existence is meaningful; it is your job to communicate that.  The tendency is to wait until they are older to communicate such things, but that is a mistake.  You must begin at a very early age expressing your deepest appreciation and love to them.  I think, tragically, this is one of the missing elements of modern families.  Because each member is involved in his or her own pursuits, there is little time for the members to feel like they belong together, working toward a common goal.  They all have different friends, different schedules, different interests.  I fear that much of the rebellion Christian parents are experiencing from their children is related to the lack of “ties” among the family members.”

So it helps me to remember, as I go throughout my day, that this time-consuming but important job of building character through reminder, praise, correction and family ties is worth it.

Being a wife and mother at home is HARD…can I get a witness?  I’ll never pretend it’s not.  Some days seem to flow rather seamlessly into the next, and other days are full of those “you’ve got to be kidding me” moments.

You know the days…

You’re changing the baby’s poopy diaper when you hear glass shatter on the floor.  You must run because you know the other children are barefooted.  “Get out of the kitchen everybody!” while you go get the broom.  The phone rings.  You let it ring this time, but make a mental note to check the number and call back.  Another child screams from downstairs–not a “help, I’m dying” scream, but a “he took my baby” scream, so you know it needs dealt with but has to wait in light of this glass emergency.  “Here, can you finish sweeping?”, you hand the broom to the oldest.

The scream downstairs was actually, “He threw my baby in the toilet” scream, so you begin to fish.  “Where’s the baby?”  You ask.  Not THE baby, but the next baby up 😉

“Oh, she’s playing in her room“.  Oh good…you can relax a bit and take care of business.  Oh my word, the other baby’s on the bed without a diaper!  (You know what that means.)

You remember that the seven-year old needed help with her math problem, so you hurry to diaper the baby…the other baby, the one playing sweetly in her room?  Well she was, except she decided to dress her baby doll…with all the clothes out of her dresser.

Maybe it’s a bit of exaggeration, maybe not.  But I didn’t even mention the gourmet meal you must prepare, the shower and sprucing up you’ll do for your husband (c’mon ladies), the phone calls, the appointments, the music lessons….

Now that I think about it, it takes nerves of steel to do this job!  Last night, sitting in our living room, I heard the faint sound of the 2-year old dragging the kitchen chair up to the counter to retrieve a cookie.  My husband was completely unaware.  Now this is not an insult to men…but God gave them a special ability to tune things out, I think.  He asked her, “Where did you get that cookie?”  And I said, “You didn’t hear her dragging the chair?”  He grinned and shook his head.  I said, “That’s it…I have sensory overload.  I hear everything, I see everything, I smell everything…”

But I said all that to say this... yes, motherhood is stressful.  But in the midst of the chaos that can be LIFE, we simply MUST nurture the relationships in our home. How we relate to our children and our husbands is paramount!  It is so easy to let the frustrations, the “overload” squelch our daily joy, but with a little concerted effort, we can demonstrate to our families the peace of God that transcends understanding.

Do what you have to do…deep breath, a walk outside, whatever you need to keep the right perspective, do it.  Relationships are not built in the scheduled “family time” you lay aside; they’re made in the small moments all throughout the day.  How you answer each other, whether you stop to listen and look each other in the eyes, a tender touch on the back or face or arm, all those reassurances that tell them, “I’m on your side, and I love being with you”.

Satan is roaming the earth, seeking whom he may devour.  He would like nothing else than to destroy our families through the little subtle ways we can neglect our relationships.  Remember the song?  “It’s a slow fade.”  Families don’t crumble in a day.  But “greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world“.

A few of my simple stress busters…what are yours?

• Smile. Whether you feel like it or not.  Force yourself to wear a big smile for a few minutes and it will change your countenance.
• Sing. A silly song if you have to 😉
• Tickle. This works well especially if the children are grumpy too.
• A funny video. I have been known to look up our favorite comedians on youtube for a quick stress relief–we all gather around and laugh.
• A walk.
• Prayer. Pray specifically for those around you who are suffering.  That will bring things back to perspective in a hurry.

Jesus had to get away and rest every now and then, from all the people pulling on him.  But he returned quickly, with a renewed vigor to serve.