It is hard to find “the true ideal” of a wife around us. She isn’t on TV or in the movies. Once, the ideals of a godly wife were passed from one generation to another. Perhaps you are blessed with that reality.
But many are not.
Too many wives of our day have exchanged the privilege of building an eternal legacy for their own, temporary pursuits. Builders–that’s what we are. (“A wise woman builds her home…”) And what happens when the builders throw away the Grand Architect’s plans, lose sight of the masterful design that is too hard or seems to be taking too long, and walk away to pursue temporary, easier, and more immediate accomplishments?
(Alexis de Tocqueville (1830’s) wrote of American women: “I have nowhere seen woman occupying a loftier position; and if I were asked…to what the singular prosperity and growing strength of that people [America] ought mainly to be attributed, I should reply: To the superiority of their women.”)
And by his logical deductions, when “the superiority of their women” falters, the prosperity and growing strength of America becomes poverty and atrophy.
Miller writes, as he introduces “the true ideals of a wife”:
“What is the true ideal of a wife? It is not something lifted above the common experiences of life, not an ethereal angel feeding on ambrosia and moving in the realms of fancy.
In some European cities they sell to the tourist models of their cathedrals made of alabaster, whiter than snow. But so delicate are these shrines that they must be kept under glass or they will be soiled…so frail that they must be sheltered from every rude touch, lest their lovely columns may be shattered..
So there are ideals of womanhood which are very lovely, full of graceful charms, pleasing, attractive, but which are too delicate and frail for this prosaic, storm-swept world of ours….One day of actual experience in the hard toils and sore struggles of life would shatter their frail loveliness to fragments.
The true wife needs to be no mere poet’s dream, no artist’s picture, no ethereal lady too little for use, but a woman healthful, strong, practical , industrious, with a hand for life’s common duties, yet crowned with that beauty which a high and noble purpose gives to a soul.”
“Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” Proverbs 31:25
I will list over the next few days the qualities Miller discusses that make “an ideal wife”. I pray they inspire us all!
Part 1: A Wife’s Part: Part 1-Is She Worthy?
Part 3: A Wife’s Part: Part 3–What is a Faithful Wife?
Part 4: A Wife’s Part: Part 4-The Good Wife is a Good Housekeeper
25 comments
I’m reminded of the women who had to run the house during war times, while their husbands were off fighting. In america it was tough, but I can’t imagine trying to raise a family in England or France, with bombs and war planes flying over your heads.
My great grandmother raised three boys by herself. She was tough yet gentle, always baking things for her boys and all the neighbor kids. They had a huge house, and while her husband was gone she turned the house into little apartments that she rented out for more money.
These women had to bake with rations on sugar. I like the book ” America’s best lost recipes” by Americas test kitchen. The women made delicious cakes and cookies with great ingenuity.
I love the portrait painted by their words. The power for Good described renews my vision. It is so easy for the lifeless imitation to insidiously creep into the corners of our hearts. It is so easy for us to be “sucked into the vortex” that would drown the true nature of our calling. We need to be reminded. We need to look at the true model of godly, virtuous womanhood, motherhood. When we do, the imitation shrivels up, turns to dust and blows away. Thank You, Lord!!
Such a great series of reminders, Kelly!
I used to feel like I was offering nothing compared to my husband. He is constantly witnessing to the students, people come to Christ, miracles occur. But that was actually envy brought on by comparison, SO not of the Lord! God began to show me how He uses me, too. And I was amazed. I think when we want to be the “superstar” that we see others being for the Kingdom, we forget the ways we serve Him.
I will never go back to the comparison, because what He has for me is so much greater!
Is this another post about the same old thing?
Working mom: BAD
Stay at home mom: GOOD
I call that your Boilerplate Blog !.
Here is Boilerplate Blog 2:
Working woman with no kids: Too ambiguous and out-of-the-box for me to discuss (“Let’s pray about that”)
Working woman who leaves husband who abuses the kids: I have to give you answer I don’t want to give, so instead I’ll suggest we pray.
Please! New material needed!
Janine,
You hardly make sense and there are thousands of other blogs. You can’t demand that I write what you want to read (flattered that you love my writing so well you’re willing to try).
My blog is for Christian women who desire encouragement in their roles at home. It’s not a buffet for all women in all circumstances. (How often have you badgered the author of “Working Women Blog” to write more about stay-at-home moms? Or why don’t you bark up the tree of “Agnostics are Us” about how they don’t write enough on the topic of Christianity.)
The Bible contains all the answers to yours and every other woman’s problems. He has not left them/you alone. Go there for your answers.
Who is Miller? You were quoting Alexis de Tocqueville and then switched to Miller. Sorry, I’m confused.
Great quote though! I love it! I just blogged about why we teach our daughters homemaking skills, after receiving a comment saying we’re brainwashing them. 😉 Interesting discussion.
Sorry–JR Miller is who I started the series quoting from 😉
Just beautiful!
Our ideas of what causes atrophy and poverty are completely opposite; I would argue that clinging to old fashioned and, in my opinion, outdated ideas about gender and families is what causes atrophy and poverty. Women are disproportionately affected by poverty because of old fashioned ideas about women working – this idea that women should stay home directly influences the pay wage gap, that leaves many women and their children unable to afford housing or food.
I think that, for America to prosper, we must all do what we are called for, to the best of our abilities, and I do not believe that all women are called to being stay at home mothers, or mothers at all.
Lion Hearted (Leslie Ann),
“outdated ideas about gender and families”
The Bible isn’t outdated and old fashioned, Lion-hearted. It’s truth and principles that tend to life are timeless and will always bring blessing or curses on a nation, depending on their willingness to follow them.
(Interestingly, this post doesn’t even mention the role of homemaker. It says “home builder” and feminists get offended anyway. Seems the two are diametrically opposed after all.)
I’m curious to know how you can take a broad view of our culture over the last, say, 200 years, and conclude that we are in a state of “strengthing and growing” due to our liberations as women?
Families are the glue that holds it all together. When families thrive, society thrives. Families in this century are not thriving. They are in absolute crisis. That puts every member in crisis–husband, wives and children, and consequently sets the next generation back by leaps and bounds. The crisis began, ironically, during our time of greatest prosperity, which led to women abandoning their professions at home.
We’re spiraling downwards faster than the eye can see, and you still maintain that we are becoming better than ever? (That would be your logical conclusion based on your assertion that “women’s liberation” and rejecting traditional values is what grows a society).
Tell that to all the abandoned women and fatherless children. Tell that to all the abandoned husbands (because “she can”), who hardly get to see their children, much less raise them.
Tell that to the prison systems that are overloaded with dysfunctional adults, victims of horribly broken homes who decided that “traditional values were outdated”.
God has a plan. When we forsake that plan, we reap the consequences.
I’m simply encouraging women to see their roles in their families for what it is. I watched a Christian, working-mom/friend put her school-aged children in daycare during a holiday so she could have “me” time, though she gets several hours of me-time every day. Something is gravely wrong with that perspective.
I shudder that you think investing a life into the next generation is outdated and old-fashioned.
My mom put a lot of time and effort into raising me, especially after my dad died. She also worked outside, as I’ve mentioned before in other comments, since before I was born. After maternity leave, she returned to work and I went to daycare. I didn’t find the experience particularly scarring, nor did I feel that either of my parents were neglecting me.
Does divorce cause hardship? Yes, but it’s better to divorce and abandon an abusive husband than to stay with him. I think a lot of the pain caused by divorce is not the divorce itself, but the stigma of it – the stigma children face because people frown on their parent’s choices. If society were more honest about divorce, and less secretive and shameful about it, I think it would be easier for parents and children when things cannot work out, for whatever reason.
The prison industrial complex is overloaded, but not because people abandoned traditional values. I think poverty and disrespect towards each other as human beings are the driving factors behind most crimes, but I don’t think that traditional gender systems are required to fight poverty (as mentioned earlier, they actually cause poverty for women and children) or respect. I don’t think it’s your point of view, but a traditional dichotomy of women in the home and men working can easily lead to a situation where women are disrespected and treated as property, thereby “justifying” violence against them.
Moreover, all of these problems – fatherless children, poverty, violence, theft, and general unhappiness have existed as long as humans have existed. Even in times of strict traditional gender roles, these have all been societal problems, and as gender roles have loosened, some types of crimes – especially rape, domestic violence and child abuse – have been brought to public attention and, in some cases (e.g., marital rape) criminalized, when before they were accepted as simply a husband’s right. I don’t believe that this is what you advocate, but the traditional view of marriage – and you don’t have to go back very far in history to find this – was that a wife was her husband’s property, and thus, he had the legal right to do more-or-less what he wanted; spousal abuse and marital rape were both legal and accepted.
So yes, I do believe that feminism, anti-racism, and other social justice work will improve our society.
I believe that freeing all people up to pursue their passions and their callings as human beings, regardless of their sex or race, is an improvement in the human condition. As I’ve mentioned, some women aren’t called to be wives and mothers, and some women are – and I don’t believe that feminism and motherhood and homebuilding are incompatible… My mother was a member of a feminist group called Wages for Housework – their objective? require that women be compensated for childcare and other homebuilding activities, so that more women could be stay at home moms!
Just as some men are called to be lawyers, or doctors, or carpenters, I only believe that women are just as varied in our callings as men, and that we should be free to pursue those things – as doctors or lawyers or carpenters or mothers. (Or some combination, just as men are free to be both a career person and a father.)
Having worked for a decade in one of the poorest counties, in one of the poorest states in our country, I feel compelled to reply.
There are a few “feminist-line” misconceptions that are repeated so often that they are considered fact. One is that to end poverty women must be educated and productive members of the work force. The reality is that the number one predictior of whether a child will live in poverty is IF the mother is married or not – Not how educated she is, where she lives, what race she is, or how many children are in the home.
The idea that for women to prosper then ALL women must “use their full potential” and go to work is absurd. My staying at home has no effect on the wages of another woman. Most women earn less because they choose careers that are more family friendly, take time off when she has children, or settles for less demanding careers so that she can have more time for family. In fact, if I were to work the same job as my husband then I would need to hire other women to care for my children and clean my home – which I would pay a “poverty-level” salary therefore making them live in poverty.
Not all divorces are because of abuse. Most are because of very different reasons. As far as there being a “stigma” on divorce, that’s absurd. Half of the children for the last 20 years come from divorced homes. There is NO stigma left to divorce. There is also no stigma to having children together but never getting married. This is highly popular among the under-30 generation. Seventy percent of children whose parents live together but never marry will start Kindergarten with their parents no longer together. That’s in contrast to only 28 percent whose parents were married when they were born.
In my state, 78 percent of men in prision reported that they had little or no relationship with their father. That was in 2007.
All the problems in our society are because of sin. Sin leads to crime, mistreatment of people, non-compassion for others, and the devaluing of human life. Being a stay at home mom will not fix society, but it will strengthen my family. Many working moms raise great children.
And, the idea that I recieve “compensation” from my husband for keeping my own children and keeping my own house is an absurd idea. Since my husband provides the only income, I already recieve compensation -I have a home (shelter), food, water, and clothing – all the basic needs of life. All are paid for by my husband and his salary. I also have my own vehicle, health insurence, retirement, life insurence, vacations, furniture, etc. (I could go on and on). We are a partnership. He goes out into the world and earns the money required to live. I manage the home. It works quite well for us. If other women choose to do it differently, that is their choice but I have chosen what is best for my family.
Sorry for the typos. I’m on my phone (paid for by my husband) because he is on the computer (working and earning the money to pay for my phone). 🙂
Ok, I want to apologize for my over-use of the word “absurd”! Definition: ” utterly or obviously senseless, illogical, or untrue; contrary to all reason or common sense; laughably foolish or false”. It just seemed to fit the ideas that I was speaking to.
Katie Grace,
Well said…you mentioned many of the points I was getting ready to make.
Lion-hearted,
I’ll just say that you are entitled to the opinions you’ve expressed and to what you *think* about things. As Katie Grace said, I never intended to insinuate that being a stay-at-home mom would cure all societal ills, nor am I foolish enough to think problems haven’t always existed–we are a sinful people.
However, there is clear evidence for those willing to see, that when a woman considers her role in the home a vital profession and one worthy of devoting herself to, it makes a huge difference in her children and ultimately in her community and society. Feminists hate that notion and have effectively rooted it out of most women’s thinking, particularly those of your age.
Also, I am writing from a strictly Christian perspective, based on what God’s Word says about marital roles, etc. No matter what you think about gender roles and “outdated traditional values”, some things are truth to a believer and no amount of “logic” otherwise changes that. Being more “honest” about divorce shouldn’t make it less of a stigma, but more of one. And that should prompt us to get to the root of the destructive practice that it is and work toward making it less of an occurrence. Divorce happens just as murder happens. But we don’t shrug our shoulders over it, we fight it. It’s not about what I think or what you think. It’s about what He thinks. You might be more productive discussing your opinions with those who hold a more liberal view of things.
Excellent post!
Excellent points!
The idea of a stigma around divorce made me laugh. There’s almost more of a stigma around the “traditional” family these days than around any of the “non-traditional” family models which are cropping up.
I just wanted to clarify – the organization my mother worked with did not ask for compensation to be from husbands/fathers. They were campaigning for the government to pay stay-at-home mothers, so that more people with limited resources could afford to stay home, because there would be a second source of income even though the mother didn’t work outside of the home.
Enjoying this series!
I always feel inspired when I read things like this. The ‘roll-up-your-sleeves and get to work’ attitude is a wonderful one to have. Women do excel at bringing beauty into the world, and not just by their feminine physique (we love to add those beautiful touches to our living and work spaces, as an example), but beauty is not all we have to offer. Indeed, that is just one small part of what a true ideal wife might offer. Being willing to do the hard work of life, being resilient, being self-sacrificing, being willing to follow her husband’s lead and share his vision…these are all the best things a good wife can offer her husband. I look forward to reading the rest of this series, Kelly! Thanks for the encouragement.
I also can’t wait to read the rest of this series! Thank you Kelly and God bless!
Thanks for sharing. I think it’s so important that recognizing the strength of your femininity has nothing to do with “proving” your intelligence or value outside of the home, and everything to do with facing the very real challenges INSIDE your home and community with grace and competence.
However, there is clear evidence for those willing to see, that when a woman considers her role in the home a vital profession and one worthy of devoting herself to, it makes a huge difference in her children and ultimately in her community and society.
What’s the “clear evidence”?
How did you determine there’s a “huge difference”?
Can you back up these statements or are they just wishful thinking?
That’s one of the advantages of college degrees for women. Then they don’t make blog posts with empty, unsupported statements! Think how much more encouraging you could be if you wrote posts that were backed up by statistics and accurate data!
Enjoy your day.
Janine,
Wrong as usual. I have a college degree, though that is completely irrelevant to my blog posts. (Imagine the real education I could have gotten if I hadn’t wasted all that time training pigeons in Child Psychology lab!)
Most people don’t need research to observe such obvious societal trends. Furthermore, most people are capable of doing their own research.
Nevertheless, here ya go:
According to the Institute for Social and Economic Research:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-30342/Working-mothers-risk-damaging-childs-prospects.html
According to studies by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/1218905.stm
Of course studies never suffice those who want to believe (and don’t want to feel guilty) that there is no effect, thus, even documentation is rarely effective enough evidence, which is why I didn’t bother to document my statement in the first place. Better evidence would be just taking a look around and deciding for yourself.
For me, it was so hard to see my ex-girlfriend (this was from 1997 to 2004, before I found Jesus last couple of years) with her drugs, her booze, and her refusal to heal herseslf, heal the hurts inside, or whatever it is, she REFUSED to help herself get well, refused my help, refused counselling, etc. I wasted SEVEN years of my life, thinking I could help her get well, and that we can make a baby for me, as her kids (first kid from a hearing man she married and divorced, second and third kids by a deaf man who passed away just before she was ready to marry. And mine which she aborted because her doctor claimed they was poisoning her system, due to her drugs killing the yolk and the embryo was possibly poisoned, even though I saw her or him on the ultrasound waving her or his tiny hand… in 1998, what was I to do? She was my first woman and really I settled for her thinking I can “educate” her with truths, which I finds in books, but she refused to listen, likes to party and drink booze, take drugs, prescriptions as well as illegal, and didnt’ care about anything! I looked after her kids and tried to make the homelife stable for the kids, while I also worked trying to save money which she spends freely, and it got so it was not working out. She was the problem. She ws living the life of a feminist, “I can do anything I want” knid of deal. It was ANNOYING. She was destructive.
By the seventh year I had enough. I told her I would support her if she would figure out how to get well in her own way. Result: I was out. Thrown away. Like a rubbish bag. (sighs). This was a good thing, even though by that time I was in love with her and trying to help her to get well. I lost half of my stuff, and she sold the rest. SHe shacked up with another bloke we met just that week before I was thrown out, and I wondered how the kids coped when they found themselves seeing this new bloke. Well, upshot of it was 2 years later she came back and asks me to help her get rid of him, (?!), so I gave her only one advice, get her sister to help her get her own place, then get her stuff when he’s not there, done! Then she asks me, to come back to her, and she regretted all her actions. I refused to go back to her. My heart was broken. How can i trust her again? I ahd enough of her, and I had enough of her lies and games and by then I just do not want anohter woman like her ever again. I just could not bear to see more years of my life wasted with her. She’s five years older than me, and I wanted my own babies, my own wife, I want a woman I want to be marry, a woman who is not so musculine like she is, a damn tomboy that I grew to despise. Pretty much like the feminists I discovered to tbe cause of all society’s ills, tomboys is what they are, they refused to be women, they craves to be men, and have the temerity to tell us men to like it?! Three more times my ex came back, still regretting that she threw me out, still wanting me back, asking me back, and I refused. I’m thinking of my future, and I know her health are not that good and she cannot give me what I want, true love, faithfulness and trust. HOw can I have this when she messes up and likely will messes up in the future, given her bipolar disorder? I dare not risk my future. I’m tired of damaged women. I tried my best to heal her, and it never worked. So she’ll have to heal herself in some ways that only she “knows”, I cannot do anything. And I can find the right woman, and while I waits, I’ll never let any women touch me, ever again. I remain SINGLE and I cannot bear the idea sex with strange women, it’s so repulsive, even though I have strong libidos, I self-relief and that’s all. It’s enough.
I found Jesus last year or so, when I reads up all these pagans who hated Jesus and His Word, the true Bible, King James Bible. So I know what I want now, a true feminine woman who loves Jesus in every way, is modest in her clothing and habits and is a true gem, loyal, faithful, trustworthy… a good woman so completely at odds with the crazies (feminists, athiests, pagans), that pleased me. This feminine woman must be strong, though, to resisted these crazies, too. Now that’s a woman I want to marry, to be devoted to, to be faithful to, to trust with all my heart and soul. The only women I’ll be with for the rest of my life. And to hell with the feminist hags of this damn world.
There, I said my piece. Yes, I am deaf, I speak pretty good when I want, and I sings when no one can hear, and I loves books, driving my new car, and slowly making a good life. No worries!
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