Kids become who they are for many reasons, not the least of which, is the grace of God. But just like negative, destructive influences can cripple a child’s growth, purposeful, nurturing ones can cause him to thrive.
There is something I’ve done with my children since they were very young, continuing it as they get older, that I believe has had a profound effect on their character.
It’s simple, really, but it’s done very deliberately. Not constantly, but periodically.
When one of them does something like goes out of his way to help or serve, I give him “the talk.” It goes something like this:
“Brooks, you are becoming a man right before my very eyes!” (I stop what I’m doing and place emphasis on the words.)
“Thank you so much for clearing the table without being asked. That is serving. I love the heart for serving the Lord has given you! Guys, did you see Brooks clear the table without being told? I appreciate you so much, Brooks.”
This talk varies depending on the child and the action. But stopping to deliberately “speak into their lives” about who you hope they are becoming, even at the slightest hints of that becoming, is powerful.
The encouragement is contagious too. I caught Ellia on the cabinet putting away the dishes from the dishwasher. She put every last one away by herself. I had “the talk” with her too, and she beamed. It’s a small thing with big dividends.
11 comments
I LOVE this idea. It is so easy to criticise and point out the negatives about our children. I will be making a conscious, deliberate effort to encourage and build up my children from now on. Thank you Kelly.
Love this idea, too. I still remember the first time someone praised me for “service”. It taught me that God notices, and it’s had a lasting impact on me. 🙂
Love it! That is SO true. A little encouragement goes so far with our kids. Also, we can’t expect them to do what pleases us unless we tell them what makes us happy!
Ellia’s getting so big!
My crew of four adults-in-the-making went ahead and did all the dishes tonight without my asking them (okay, the younger two needed some convincing by the older two), but they all worked together and got the job done, starting with the biggest one washing, the littlest one standing on a chair and rinsing, and the two middle ones drying and putting away. Then they switched jobs with one another partway through for some variety.
You can bet they got “the talk” about how wonderful it was for this mom to see them working together like that, as we got the kitchen all spiffed up. Great reminder, this post! 🙂
This is a great idea… my struggle is always exactly how to start encouraging this… if no one is inclined to do things without being asked… also, I REALLY struggle with not picking and nagging about everything they do… today for example, i had them in the room we are currently painting, as we had done some minor reconstruction in the room. They started off willing to help (the oldest helper was 8, then 5 then 3), but as they went along, streaking paint, spilling it, not cleaning up the spills OR telling mommy, (while I am 9 months preggo, trying to help hubby by getting the room painted), and I just find myself snapping and feeling like they really aren’t trying to be careful or do a good job, and it just feels like they don’t seem to see that every mistake and spill means more work for me to do, and less time for me to actually accomplish anything… and after awhile, they are all like, “I’m done.” and i couldn’t help but feel that they simply wanted to be out from under my scrutiny (and I really couldn’t blame them, as snappish as I was…). How do you allow children to help with real jobs, but deal with the extra mess, the shoddy work, and is there a time when sometimes the work simply MUST get done and done right and there just isn’t the time to allow them to help(due to the extra stress it brings?)…
Laura,
I’d start by praising them at the earliest sign of their having done something praiseworthy. For example, you said, with regard to the painting job, “They started off willing to help…” That’s praiseworthy! Give your helper(s) a hug in a case like that and say something like, “I’m so glad you’re willing to help!” The encouragement will go a long ways when the time comes that you may need to offer some instruction on how to do something more efficiently/effectively (on a task that is not beyond their developmental capability). They’re more eager to please when they know Mom is pleased with some effort they’ve already exerted.
As far as the “I’m done”, depending on the age of the child who says that, or wanders off before the task is finished, if there is still a lot of the job left to do and the child is quite young, I would let him/her be finished and thank the child for helping. If the job is almost done, I’d say, “Look at everything we’ve done, and now we’re almost finished! All we have left to do is ____. Let’s get it done — I know we can do it now!”
The process of working is more important than the product, generally speaking, and seeing the children working cheerfully for a short time is, in my opinion, better than them working begrudgingly for a longer period. When work is accompanied with encouragement and appropriate praise, children will find the process more pleasant and oftentimes work longer under those circumstances, and will be more likely to respond cheerfully the next time they’re asked, too.
And as they get older, they’ll take more delight in taking initiative to straighten and clean up without being asked, when their prior experience with chores has been positive rather than negative.
Also, in overwhelming seasons (with lots of little children and/or a baby in the house or soon to come, or at other challenging times), lower your standards about what qualifies as “work [that] simply MUST get done and done right.” With tasks like that, save them for when your husband is home, so the children can be occupied with one parent while the other does those necessary things with which children can’t help.
Just a few thoughts off the top of my head. Not sure if I answered all your questions or spoke to all your concerns, but I hope that helps some. 😉
Laura, it’s a challenge for sure, but I would say “yes” to your last question: there are definitely times when the work must get done and it’s not a great time for training. Painting a room is stressful, especially when you’re pregnant, so that would be an example in my mind of a case you may just want to wait, get older help, etc.
LOVE. I know that without this kind of praise, love and attention, the discipline is much more harsh and harder to receive by the kiddos.
LOVE this! Thanks for sharing! 🙂
My sister and I did this today- with a twist. Maybe I should say “crash”. We were praising my son for an improvement in how he speaks. He “beamed” all right : ). He happened to be swinging his legs under him while he propped himself up (stiff armed) between two pieces of furniture. He grinned an fell right over. My sister said “oh his head got so big, he lost his balance”. It was so funny : ) He still gave us a thumbs up from the floor.
Deborah,
Oh, that is funny!