Guest Post by Reagan Ramm
Feminism has failed. More and more people are starting to realize this fact, but the beast just won’t die! While all of society is worse off for the advance of Feminism, the sad irony is that those who lose out the most are the Feminist women themselves.
I’m not talking about the first wave of Feminism which campaigned for suffrage and the end of abortion (though this wave was not without flaws). Yes, the first Feminists were staunchly pro-life because they understood how harmful abortion was for women (not to mention it is murder). It is the second and third waves of feminism which have failed us as a society, and failed women most of all.
The Marxist, Betty Freidan, was the spark that launched what is now modern Feminism. In her book, The Feminine Mystique, she claimed that she, and other women, were unhappy being housewives, and that women desired more than just their husbands, children, and homes. However, she actually wasn’t a “stay-at-home” mom, but worked outside the home. It was her Marxist ideology that drove her to write the book, not her dissatisfaction with being a housewife.
Nevertheless, was she correct in arguing that women wanted out of the home, less family obligations, and longed for careers in the workforce?
I am not sure if women in the 50s and 60s were dissatisfied with their lives, but what we can be certain of, is that women, and Feminists in particular, are more unhappy and dissatisfied with life than the women of the mid-1900s.
In a recent study entitled, The Paradox Of Declining Female Happiness1, it was revealed that as a whole, women are less happy than men, and less happy than women 40 years ago. Why?
This is indeed a paradox since Feminism has gained an incredible amount of ground in the last 40-years. Women today are the most advantaged and privileged in the history of the world. There are more women in the workforce than ever. More women in politics than ever. More women in college than men. Abortion is legal and easily available, which liberates women from the slavery of unwanted motherhood. I could go on, but you get the idea.
If Feminist women are getting all the things they thought they needed to be happy…then why are women less happy? More specifically, why are Feminist women, who have gained all the things they have championed for, the least satisfied with life?2-3
The answer is that Feminism works against the development of true satisfaction. Feminists can never be happy. This is because Feminism, like many other ideologies, completely misunderstands how humans (particularly women) were designed to function and flourish.
Feminism assumes that it is status, wealth, and recognition that will make women happy and satisfied. Feminism claims to “empower” and promote women as strong, and capable of doing anything men can do just as well, and even better. Feminism may hide under the guise of “equality”, but it is actually advancing self-worship.
Feminism believes that women should be able to do what they want, dress how they want, act how they want, and not have to suffer any consequences. If a woman doesn’t want to raise her child, she can kill him or her, and Feminists will celebrate her. As an example, the University of North Carolina – Wilmington celebrated “abortion heroes,” praising, “the brave men and women who performed abortions before they were legal, often risking their own lives and freedom.”4
Abortion isn’t just a choice Feminists believe women should have, it is a glorious instrument for the liberation of women. The price the unborn child must pay is of no consequence. Why? Because the comfort and desires of the mother are more important.
The celebration of abortion that Feminism promotes is just one example of how this ideology encourages selfishness. From putting careers over family, to the exaltation of the hook-up culture, Feminists constantly lie to women (and themselves) that the path to happiness is through self-indulgence. “Only you can make yourself happy,” is a common maxim, and Feminism is the ideology that allows this mantra to be lived out. The only problem is it isn’t working. Women can’t make themselves happy.
Men can’t make themselves happy either. This is the paradox the study revealed, the same paradox Jesus told us about 2000 years ago:
“For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” – Matthew 16:25
We weren’t created to serve ourselves, but to serve others. We were created to do good (Ephesians 2:10). It is not status or wealth that we are to live for. It isn’t our careers, or the number of romantic partners, or whether we get to wear the clothes we want, which leads to happiness and the good life. This self-first thinking leads to misery.
It is not the “empowered,” whom Jesus said were blessed. “The greatest among you will be your servant. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” – Matthew 23:11-12
If Feminists really cared about women and the well-being of women, they wouldn’t encourage women to seek their own desires, but to desire the good and well-being of others, especially their husbands and children.
If Feminists really cared about the good of women, they would be resolutely against women killing their unborn son or daughter just because the child is inconvenient, or would get in the way of the mother’s current life goals.
If Feminists really cared about women and their happiness, Feminists would not cheer for women to dress immodestly or to live promiscuously.
If Feminists really wanted what is best for women, they would not call for wives to battle their husbands, or place their career above their children and family.
But Feminists don’t want what is best for women, and what Feminists do want for women will not make women happy. Female-empowerment proponents thought “equality” was what women needed to be happy, but the data shows they were wrong. Feminists will never be happy because it is happiness, no matter the consequences, they are chasing. True fulfillment and joy cannot be found by seeking. Like a bar of soap, the harder you try to grab on to it, the more it will slip through your fingers.
The good life, the life God wants for us, can only be found through living in His kingdom, and doing what He wants to be done—loving God and our neighbors as ourselves. This is not a love that enables others to seek their own happiness, but a love that wills the good, and seeks the well-being of others above our own.
As Christians, we have no need for Feminism. The Bible clearly shows men and women are both created in the image of God, and therefore equal in worth. The Bible is also clear that men and women are different, created for different purposes, and both are to put the needs and well-being of others before themselves. Let us not fall into the trap of believing that it is more recognition, status, or wealth that will make us happier and fulfilled.
1http://www.nber.org/papers/w14969.pdf?new_window=1
2http://nypost.com/2013/12/27/conservative-women-hold-secret-to-happiness/
3http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/the_highbrow/2006/03/desperate_feminist_wives.html
4http://www.campusreform.org/?ID=6003
44 comments
My mother was a woman of the sixties and she was immensely bored at home with the kids. She loved us, we knew it, but she was immensely bored.
I know that doesn’t matter. But you asked if women back then were unhappy. I’m sure she was.
She was so much happier when she got a job after we were all grown. But staying at home with the kids didn’t make her happy. But she did was she was expected to do (in the sixties, she’d have been scorned if she went out to work and left us with our grandmother).
Personally, I am glad she had the choice to get a job, and glad she was paid the same as the men around her. I just wish she’d gotten a job when we were younger. I wish there wasn’t so much scorn, too much for her to bear. Even as kids, we really wanted her to be happy.
I was raised with both parents working. My mom was a professional. I remember when I was a junior in high school, she stayed home for a year. That was my favorite year growing up. It was also the first year I had someone around when I got up in the morning, (when I was little a babysitter was there when I got up in the morning) someone there when I got home in the afternoon, and had someone there to keep me accountable with my time. I was not off with my boyfriend every minute after school anymore, my mom was there. I remember we went on walks around the neighborhood often, she taught herself to make homemade bread, and taught me, and we had some good meals for once rather than generic hamburger helper.
Now that I’m grown and homeschooling my kids, (even through some really tough financial hardships these last 6 years), she has said many times to me that she wishes she would have stayed home and homeschooled us, or at least been there for us like she did that one year.
Her years collecting a fleeting paycheck kept her away when we needed her most. You may not realize how wonderful it was to have a mom around for the simple things, but I know that if my mom had been around all those years, I wouldn’t have gotten myself caught up in so much junk when I was younger.
Kids need their moms around for accountability, for assurance, for assistance in life, for being around to raise the kids, help the husband. We used to get in sooo much trouble when my parents would get home from work, I remember her being so tired trying to get dinner on the table, and we were goofing around, and my dad would get so mad at us for causing her stress.
Now that I’m a mom, I realize that just like the article says, true happiness comes when sacrificing for others. Boredom usually comes from not being productive and purposed. If we keep our minds on thinking our happiness comes from getting out and doing something else, then it’s only going to make us resentful and unhappy.
Kristi,
“Boredom usually comes from not being productive and purposed.” Nothing could be more true. When we lose the purpose of why we’re home, of course boredom and unhappiness follow. So much of this age-old debate goes back to that. If we value children, and we understand the importance of imparting to them character, wisdom, knowledge and life, and we understand that we’re Kingdom builders, our outlook completely changes. The challenge is then, to resurrect the meaning of home, children, and investing in the next generation and building community and loving our neighbors.
Amen
???
I don’t know why the fact that my mother was bored would cause people to write so unkindly about her. She is dead and cannot defend herself.
Kelly, my mom certainly imparted character, wisdom, knowledge and life to me. You don’t have to be a SAHM to do those things.
You write, “If we value children. . . ” we will not be bored. I can assure you, my mother valued us as much as you value your children.
And she was certainly productive! Kelly, why do you assume otherwise? My goodness, she was always cooking, cleaning, teaching us.
But she was bored. She was terribly bored. She missed the workplace.
I never said she was bad at being a SAHM, Kelly. I said she was bored. As her kids, we delighted in her happiness when she got a job later in life.
It seems the only acceptable feeling for a SAHM is “happy.”
Linda,
I didn’t intend to be unkind to your mom. My apologies. But you gave her as an example, and unfortunately, I’ve seen boredom at home often result from a lack of purpose. Misunderstanding one’s importance doesn’t necessarily make them bad at what they do. But it can deeply affect the depth of fulfillment. Your mom sounds like she was a great loving person. No one has said otherwise. But perhaps her boredom did, in fact, come from a society failing to remind her of the import of her work.
Actually, no. The society of the 60s could not have encouraged my mother more to be a SAHM. It didn’t help her boredom at all.
your mother should have read proverbs
well all she did was great for the family a mothers job was to raise her children not to school them and I have a sister in law and a sister who are both married are stay at home my sister teaches and helps her husband with his work and my sister in law raises children and does baking with her husband for extra income they both love what they do and staying at home doesn’t hold them back.
women do not have to go out into the work world to do what they love. You will find if there interested in Gods plan not just following it because. They will find a way to do what they love from home or with their husband.
But my mother was not a baker or a teacher. The work she did could not be done outside the home, since she was helping children in difficult circumstances. So I’m not sure what you mean. She should just become a baker?
no but you will find unless she is doing physical labor almost any job can be done from home.
I do believe your mother gave a sacrifice to take care of you which is very noble but everybody has a gift God gave them and they don’t need the work industry to do it.
Joseph, why is it that you and other people who think that all woman should be SAHM;s should all ust open up bake shops or sew or something else to do to make a little extra money, why cant woman live there lives like males, if they want to work, who are you to stop them, and no telling me well because God said so,, get a clue, woman are working and loving it and bugs you to no end,
Just as an aside, “Charlie”, why were you “Bill” last time you commented? If you want to be taken seriously, you might commit to a name and not comment as a different person each time.
No there is actually nothing necessarily wrong with it but in the proverbs guides for finding a wife that would something to avoid having in a wife.
Even the father should be a dweller at home he may leave the house to provide but he still should dwell at home.
Great article! Feminism really is poison.
Reagan,
Since you are in college, I assume you have learned (or will learn) that correlation does not equal causation, particularly when it comes to something as subjective as happiness. While your theory is an interesting one, there are a number of different possible explanations for the findings discussed in the articles to which you cite. For example, one alternative explanation in stark contrast to yours is that increased social and economic equality allows women to be more forthcoming and honest about their happiness or lack thereof. As a result, modern women are more likely to honestly report their dissatisfaction. Because happiness is a subjective concept dependent upon myriad personal and situational factors, it is impossible to draw objective inferences from these kinds of reports, and one could make the case for virtually any explanation that fit their agenda.
Indeed, the study to which you cite expressly found that the decrease in life satisfaction was steady across all demographics of women, including both married and unmarried women and working and stay-at-home wives. If feminism were the cause of the decline in women’s happiness, why would married homemakers not report greater happiness than single working women? Again, happiness is a subjective concept dependent upon personal and situational factors.
Anecdotally, I identify as a feminist and have a very happy, satisfying life. I am sure you will be shocked to hear that, though I have a post-graduate degree and work outside of the home, I am married (to a man, who also works) and I cook meals from scratch almost every night. My job provides me with professional and intellectual satisfaction, but my primary joy still comes from my family. While money certainly does not guarantee happiness (since, again, happiness is subjective), our dual incomes allow us to maintain a comfortable and hospitable home, as well as to share activities such as frequent travel as family. In contrast, one of my oldest friends is a homemaker who is, by her own admission, miserable. She and her family constantly struggle to make ends meet, and she often feels (whether justified or not) that her husband does not value her contributions to the family. I give you these anecdotal bits of evidence not to suggest that all feminist professionals are glowingly happy or that all conservative homemakers are miserable, but rather to again point out that happiness is a subjective concept based on individual feelings and circumstances.
Finally, what do you make of recent studies suggesting that highly educated women are more likely to stay married and that egalitarian marriages are increasingly more stable than ones in which there is an educational disparity? (See, e.g., http://www.familyfacts.org/charts/125/more-educated-women-are-more-likely-to-stay-married and http://www.asanet.org/journals/ASR/Aug14ASRFeature.pdf).
While I’m glad feminism is making you happy, for me it is the opposite. Everyone I encounter belittles me for being just a housewife. They don’t see what I do in the home every day, nor do they realize that for us, one income is enough. From what I see, feminism has made many women miserable.
I’m truly sorry if anyone has ever belittled you for being a homemaker. Anyone who has done so is not a feminist, regardless of what they say. In fact, anyone who has done so is a jerk, plain and simple. The goal of gender equality is for everyone to have the right and the means to choose their path in life, whether that be homemaking or a full-time career. My mother was a homemaker, and a very good one at that. She was very proud of her role as my dad’s wife and our mother, but she also made sure that we all knew we could do whatever we felt called to do, from homemaking to rocket science.
Being a homemaker is a wonderful and valuable role, but like any other career, it’s not something anyone should feel pressured or forced into. Again, I’m sorry that people have disparaged you for doing what you are called to do.
Thank you!
Liz,
You said: “Finally, what do you make of recent studies suggesting that highly educated women are more likely to stay married and that egalitarian marriages are increasingly more stable than ones in which there is an educational disparity?”
Interesting that in the first link you provided, the opening sentence explaining the bar graph reads [emphasis mine], “Women who have college degrees are more likely to stay married for 10 years than those with less education.”
It doesn’t say, as you did, that “highly educated women are more likely to stay married…” [‘Forever’ is implied in this statement.]
So certain women are more likely to stay married ten years. Well, never mind that “until death do us part” part.
Also, under the chart it was noted that “Figures are for women age 15 to 44 in 2002.”
What about all the people in their late forties, fifties, even older, who are divorcing these days after 20, 30, even 40-something years of marriage?
I know a lot of divorced people whose marriages went beyond the ten-year mark, in fact, more than people’s that ended in divorce in the first decade of marriage. People from all walks of life, varying educational backgrounds, age of first marriage, etc.
Sorry, but statistics about who is more likely to stay married for ten years don’t much impress me, frankly.
The time frame used in the CDC’s study (which is what is referenced in the first link in my original comment) was actually 10 years or more (See the full study at http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_028.pdf). However, you’re correct that 10 was the lower limit of the time metric the researchers used, and that their data set was limited to people within specific demographics. Studies like this have to use some form of time limitation as well as some form of demographic (age, etc) limitation.
For the record, I agree with you that forever is the goal for any marriage. In our “evil feminist” marriage, divorce is not a word that is allowed to be spoken. It’s simply not an option. That’s the vow we made when we married each other. Identifying oneself as a feminist (which, by the way, my husband does as well) does not mean one doesn’t uphold their marital vows or believe in lifelong marriage to one partner.
Liz, Your husband sounds awesome!
Feminism means having many choices. It doesn’t mean denigrating one choice over another.
In some countries, girls cannot go to school. In others, they cannot attend college. Or vote. Or own property. Those countries need feminism.
I am old enough to remember when girls in this country could not attend many colleges.
Sounds like there are two feminists here, both of whom are happy.
Liz,
I’m sorry if I gave the impression that I thought you don’t uphold your marital vows or believe in lifelong marriage to one man. That was not my intent.
Thank you for the link in your recent post just above. I do not have time to read the entire piece, but in glancing over the table of contents, and specifically the sections labeled “Figures,” “Detailed Tables,” and “Appendix Tables,” the age range of 15-44 (and a few times, twenty-something to 44) shows up the most.
I understand the concept of limiting studies to certain demographics. What I’m trying to say is that feminism is a relatively (in this country’s history) recent phenomenon, especially when you consider the post-first-wave varieties of feminism. (I acknowledge that there were aspects of the first wave that brought needed changes, but it is mainly the destructive effects of the later versions of feminism that concern me.)
The men and women participants in the study were not over the age of 44. When those people get to their 50’s, 60s, 70s and beyond, how will feminism, and cohabitation, and women’s increasing educational attainment compared to men’s, etc. — all quite recent phenomena, relatively speaking — affect marital and other outcomes in the future?
Well, that wasn’t measured. Maybe some day it will be (or there may be longer-term studies in progress now).
However (and I ask rhetorically — no need to answer), do we need studies to show us the destructive effects of certain social changes? Can we not look around us and be honest about the havoc that is already being wreaked by the me-first, do-what-I-want, fulfill-myself, seek-after-personal-happiness mentality that feminism encourages, whatever the statistics compiled from short-term studies may reveal?
You may not believe studying people from ages 15-44 is short-term, but it IS (compared to marriage), if you believe marriage is a lifelong venture. (And I am glad you and your husband are committed to that).
Happiness is not the be-all and end-all of our existence (and I’m not saying that is your overarching goal in life), but feminism encourages that nonetheless. And if “I just want to be happy” is the attitude with which one approaches life, there can be and have been all sorts of deleterious effects on the individuals (along with their families) who chase after that as if that’s what they’re entitled to.
That’s the ugly side of feminism few “feminists” (male or female) want to acknowledge.
It comes down to the difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is based on temporary, fleeting circumstances. But joy is a matter of the heart. Our joy in the Lord is a precious gift, based on the knowledge of our security in Christ’s love for us. We can’t make it happen for us, or get it from our external circumstances. How did the apostle Paul write such a joyful letter to the Philippians when he was in jail?
Feminism can only seek after happiness. But they won’t always have it, even when life is going reasonably well according to their expectations and dreams. It won’t ever be enough. There will always be “something better” to aim for.
We all were created not to be self-serving, but to devote ourselves to loving service to others. If we are living contrary to our created purpose, our God-given gift of a conscience will convict us of our self-centered searching after earthly fulfillment. Eventually there will be no happiness in that, just a void. It’s an empty life to devote your days to pleasing yourself, or to bemoan your being in a situation where you have a perfect opportunity to serve, particularly in the context of family.
Are we thankful for our calling as wives and mothers? And, most of all, are we grateful for the joy that is ours in Christ?
Happiness comes and goes. Joy is forever.
Very well said, Mrs. C.
All women do not want or need the same things to be happy. Some want to work outside the home; others want to be stay at home wives/mothers.
Feminism is about women being able to have choices.
Perhaps your comment gets to the heart of the age-old debate. Feminism is about people finding “happiness.” But it has never been about doing what God says is best for families, even if it means sacrificing temporary happiness, or what I think will make me happy. Once I submit to what God has always said is good for me, for women, for families, THEN I become happy. But until then, I’m on an elusive search that turns up empty every time.
I don’t believe that there is one way which is best for all families. Individual families should have the ability to decide what works best for their family.
For some women and their families, being a stay at home mother is best. For other women and their families, it might be better for Mom to work part-time to supplement Daddy’s income. You can only stretch a dollar so far, after all. In my opinion, it’s better for Mom to work 20 hours a week while Grandma visits with the kiddos that for Dad to work 60 hours a week and barely see his family. Your opinion may be different. For other families, it’s best that Mom works full time to provide insurance or put a roof over the family’s heads. I don’t think that society should dictate to these families what is best for them.
As for promiscuity, while I am not a fan, it is their body to do what they please with. It wouldn’t be my choice but I don’t get to make choices for others.
The article in question is about happiness.
Yes, but the title of the post is “Why Feminists will never be happy.” People are responding to that.
The other commenters may not have even read your comment. Even if they did, perhaps they haven’t come to your conclusion (joy=important; Happiness=silly, fleshly and irrelevant).
In fact, the author of the post disagrees with you. He feels happiness is so important that it is worthy of a post. And Kelly seems to disagree with you, too, since she approved the post.
I’m sorry the idea of happiness feels so irrelevant to you, 6 arrows. But it seems like you kinda HOPE feminists are unhappy, that this is kind of necessary for you to make your own case.
Does it threaten you if feminists really ARE happy? And. . . gasp. . . even joyous?? (which is totally different, I completely understand).
I encourage you to change this way of thinking. It will not make you happy (or joyous!) to wish others ill.
Linda,
OK, maybe I shouldn’t have made my December 5 at 10:34 comment, as it was probably misleading. In fact, I’ll email Kelly and tell her to pull my comments from that whole section of the thread.
Let me try to be more clear. Your comment just above (December 6 at 1:48 a.m.) has some wild extrapolations that are simply not true.
“But it seems like you kinda HOPE feminists are unhappy…”
No, I do not hope that.
“It will not make you happy (or joyous!) to wish others ill.”
I have not wished anyone ill, nor do I want to in the future.
I would write more, but I do not have the time to try to correct your faulty conclusions, Linda.
I will say, though, that I found the last paragraph of your 1:45 a.m. comment rather amusing:
“In fact, the author of the post disagrees with you. He feels happiness is so important that it is worthy of a post. And Kelly seems to disagree with you, too, since she approved the post.”
Well, I’d try to clarify your misunderstanding of that, too, but, no thanks.
Let’s just say, no matter who agrees or disagrees with whom (regarding the author, Kelly and me), what of it? I’m not afraid of disagreement, and sometimes what some might see as disagreement is not entirely that, but simply a different focus on one broad topic.
That is all I will say. Feel free to have the last word, if you so choose.
I tried the traditional SAHM life. I hated it. My talents do not lie in homemaking. I finally finished my degree and went into the workforce, in a male dominated field. I discovered I enjoyed being in that field, I still enjoy it. The challenges, the ability to use the brain God gave me, still thrills me.
My kids didn’t benefit from a mom who hated her life as a SAHM and was just going through the motions because that was what was expected of her. They’re all grown now and talk about mom BC and AC (before and after career), they all agree that mom was a whole lot easier to get along with AC, they enjoyed mom.
The feminist movement is what gave me the ability to choose between being a SAHM and having a career. If being a SAHM makes you happy, then by all means…do it. However, understand that being a SAHM is not for everyone. There are those of us who prefer being in the workforce.
Caroline,
You may have hit upon the biggest problem I have with feminism: the “doctrine” of “do whatever makes you happy, no matter who it affects.”
And I get that the article was discussing happiness, thus your comment, which is relevant in light of the topic. Still, when I read it, I realize one of the things that makes feminism so opposed to Christianity and following Christ. To follow Christ often means to deny your own wishes, your own desires and even your own goals in order to do what is best for others. And truly, real happiness can only come from that. Seeking our own desires may give us a temporary or false satisfaction, but deep peace and joy comes when we realize the importance of sacrifice and submit to that.
Feminism promotes self; the opposite of what God says will fulfill a life and advance the Gospel.
So you’re saying that my children would have been better off with a mother who hated staying home? My children were miserable when I was home full-time. I was and am not “suzy homemaker”. I don’t like to cook, clean, decorate, or any of those “domestic arts”. I can do them, I can keep a house, I can cook, I just don’t like to do it. I find absolutely no enjoyment in it.
My children noticed the change when I would come home charged up, full of life and ideas. They suffered more when mom was home and miserable.
The idea of “self-sacrifice” is not to live a life that makes you miserable. It was best that I entered the workforce. It is what gave me the ability to be able to be the best mom I could be.
However, I do know there are those who prefer to stay home. If that’s what you do best, then do it. Just realize there are those who do not enjoy that lifestyle, who don’t want to live that lifestyle and it doesn’t make us lesser, or worse Christians than others. It is a choice.
I’m saying I think the decision should be based on what is best for our children and family, not on what we enjoy. And I am saying we would enjoy it more if we had a vision beyond what you think of homemaking. It’s little to do with cleaning and cooking and much more to do with building lives–discipleship, which is a full time job, being available for service to those around you, and being available to meet the needs of your husband and children.
I think our dissatisfaction is fueled when we lose that vision and see the home as just a trivial, peripheral task to be done rather than the world-changing job it is.
I’ve also compared it to my husband’s responsibilities. He provides. Period. That responsibility falls on him and he does it whether he particularly enjoys the task or not. He’s not miserable either, because he finds fulfillment in providing for his family, knowing that it’s his responsibility. He doesn’t say, “I’m done with this job because it doesn’t make me feel fulfilled anymore” even though there’s a lot about his work that is hard, laborious and exhausting. He puts us first and understanding that he is doing that brings satisfaction.
But, satisfaction isn’t the aim. It’s the result of a life given in service to others.
By the way, the post wasn’t necessarily opposed to women working, ever. And neither am I. I’m just opposed to the ideology that “I can do anything I want to do, and should be allowed to do that, contrary to what it means for my family.”
isn’t that the fundamental of choice? I have the choice to consider what is best for my family AND me? My family does not profit from someone who is miserable at home no matter how many volunteer activities she is involved in. None of that was where my strengths lie.
It had nothing to do with money (although I do make a nice living), it had everything to do with what was best for all of us.
I don’t know the details of your family, when you went to work, how old your children were, etc. And I’m not interested in speaking to your specific circumstance, but rather, addressing the topic as a whole. I DO know that as a Christian, the Bible teaches me that my first obligation is to care for my family, regardless of what “I” feel is best, regardless of whether or not I enjoy caring for them or whether it makes me feel fulfilled or where I feel like my gifts lie. And I don’t think by “caring for” it means we should delegate everything to someone else if it lies in our power at all to do it ourselves. So, do we have the choice to put our young children in daycare simply because homemaking wasn’t our forte? We do, to our detriment.
Feminism, like Liberalism is based on ideals, there are simply no facts which support it. If a man were to quit his job to go do what he “wants”, rather than accept his responsibility of being a provider, just imagine the uproar from feminists. Isn’t it interesting that some women want out of the house to escape the things they don’t like doing, yet those things are still there and will need to be done after a long day of doing what you “want”. Perhaps that is the reason feminism doesn’t make women happy.
One thing that I think most people fail to take into account when looking at biblical gender roles is that during Bible times, societies were mostly agrarian, so both the mother and father would be close to home. We do have positive portrayals of women in the Bible who worked outside the home (the Proverbs 31 woman sells at the market, seems to be investing in real estate, etc., Lydia in in the new testament is a seller of purple, Anna is a prophetess in the temple, and the women from the book of Luke managed Herod’s household and supported Jesus with their own, presumably earned, money).
Today, our society has changed, so both men and women must grapple with what is best for the family. Work/family balance must be carefully considered by both husbands and wives. The Bible does not give us a “one size fits all” command about what ALL women or men must do in relation to earning income. The Bible simply gives principles for families to follow (i.e. how we should treat each other, how husbands and wives should orient themselves, etc). It will look different for each family. The husband and wife must prayerfully consider lots of different options. For each family, this will look a little different. Why must we judge each other so much for making different decisions based on different situations and family dynamics? Can we truly say that God wants each family’s decisions about the husband’s or wife’s job to look exactly the same? That seems absurd!
What is sad to me is that a lot of commenters and even Kelly herself seem to gloss over the idea of being happy. It’s just like the people who say that marriage is “meant to make you holy, not happy.” It is true to some degree– there is a higher purpose for marriage, but it makes me so sad that some people are in such unhappy marriages that this is a source of comfort for them. One element of an ideal marriage is about having joy and happiness. Certainly, we don’t always get to have the ideal, but we should strive for it. It seems ridiculous to say, “What a great marriage– that couple is so holy, but they’re absolutely miserable with each other!”
Emotions and feelings are sometimes there for a reason. If you hate your out of the home job, maybe it’s for a reason! Maybe you are meant to be staying at home. If you hate staying at home, it might not be because you lack vision or productivity at home; maybe God created you with other talents that He wants you to use elsewhere! You don’t have to neglect your family or children. Sometimes, emotions of satisfaction or discontent can be signals that help to guide in the right direction. Emotions are not always a bad thing! They cannot be relied upon 100%, but everyone is made with unique interests and talents. You should know yourself and know what you like and dislike.
I think women (or men) should be happy/joyful/fulfilled in their careers, jobs, and life work (whether that is homemaking or an out of the home job). There will be ups and downs in any role you have, but God has created us all uniquely and with certain interests for a reason. Some women are great cooks and love to do it. Other women have a mind for finance. We should all use our natural abilities for God’s glory. Just because a woman has a job outside of the home, it doesn’t mean that she is automatically neglecting her family or simply selfishly pursuing accolades for herself. God might just want to use her outside the home. After all, He used the prophetess Deborah in a position that was very non-traditional for a woman!
Thanks.
Sarah,
I just wanted to point out a few things about your comment, because when we are having a discussion like this, it matters tremendously to be careful we are being accurate. First thing is, the Proverbs 31 woman did not sell at the market. She was a wholesaler. She sold TO the merchants, who took the products to market. May seem minor, but if you’re using her as an example of a career woman, you can’t get that wrong. She was a business woman, for sure, and we are absolutely free to earn income, pursue different types of industry and help with the finances. The important thing to note, though, is that “She looks WELL to the ways of her household” and “She extends her hands to the needy” and she was busy with her hands, providing all sorts of good things for her household. She did not forsake even basic caring for her family to pursue a career, and even her business pursuits didn’t interfere with her first priority. (And, the descriptions of her activities spanned across a lifetime, no doubt, giving her different seasons of busyness.) So the freedom we speak of has to remain within the bounds of taking care of our homes and families first, which is clearly commanded in Scripture. Several other passages in the Bible support that command. The issue isn’t really “is it a sin to do anything, ever, outside the home.” The issue is, am I fulfilling my obligations, from Scripture, before anything else?
I agree that it’s a good thin for us to be satisfied and fulfilled in marriage and I think God delights in that. BUT, our pursuit of happiness can’t trump our responsibilities. This is the feminist mantra being opposed in this post and on this blog. God DOES prescribe things for us and we can’t skirt those things just because it doesn’t suit our tastes.
And also, for the record, Deborah was forced, by the abdication of men, into her role and that fact was shameful and she knew it, and she literally “pushed” the next man she found into the rightful position. She did not say, “Look at me! Judging and leading and roaring! Anything you can do….”
Amazing post. Occasionally, I find myself in the ‘no one in the family is doing what I’m doing, I am the only one really working in the house, whah whah, boo hoo’ thinking.
My daughter recently had surgery, so I am now keenly aware of how much she really did to help out family. Between taking care of her (she couldn’t even bathe herself for several months) I found many reasons to feel sorry for myself. 😉
Then I remember for me to be focusing on that, I am only focusing on me, me, me. Once I change my focus back on my calling and off my feelings, I find I am happy again. Joyous and happy.
It really is all about our focus. Not just for this calling, but for all of life.
So I was sitting next to this woman at the soccer field. She was talking about having to do something particular thing with her child( I can’t remember what it was) but I do remember what she said..”It’s my responsibility as his mother to do this for him”. I thought..” Wow! She gets that”..
I think it’s really easy to think that as Mom’s, that somebody else could maybe do that job better. You know..those boring mundane things of motherhood. We all have them. I’m going to tell you that at the end of many long years, do you want your kids to look back and remember that you were with them or someone else because you gave that job to someone else because you weren’t “Happy” or “Fulfilled”? Honestly? Ask a grown kid in their 20’s what they would prefer. Were they worth it?
After raising six kids, and I have had part time jobs outside the home at different times when finances required, I found that I was far happier and content when I could be tending to the things here in my home. There were so many that I could have never been bored! I’m talking to Christian Mom’s here who I would suppose are the ones commenting on here!