I don’t suppose we struggle any more than other families with sibling relationships and the strife that goes along with living side by side, day by day. But lately we’ve been discouraged over the number of times we seem to revisit the same issues, the same “sandpaper siblings.”
Dealing with relationships inside a family is tricky business. Our first rule of thumb is that strife is not acceptable. We are fully aware that it will occur, we just don’t accept it as normal. It is sin.
“For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.” James 3:16
But because we are sinful and all spend an extraordinary amount of time together, dealing with strife is just a given. I tend to want to deal with it one time and be done. But those expectations are much higher than I set for myself. It helps me to remember that even Paul said he must “die daily.” So it is with us and our little ones as we are slowly conformed to the image of Christ.
Moment of truth
I’ve had a sort of epiphany recently regarding family relationships….
As a mother it is so easy for me to get bent out of shape and irritated over dealing with strife that I become the product of what I’m trying to avoid in my children. It doesn’t do much good to fly off the handle because my child is not being flexible, or snap as I try to teach them gentleness. Now there’s a moment of truth.
What I’m discovering is that mothering requires a tremendous amount of energy to cultivate a spirit of joy and FRIENDSHIP within her home. Could this be the biggest missing element in our homes today?
Being friends with your children takes deliberate action and lots of time. While we maintain authority, require honor and obedience, the way I interact with my children in the neutral spaces of the day will have tremendous influence on attitudes and behavior. (Might I add, that while we rely on our husbands to help us deal with these issues, he tires of coming home each day to a grumpy group of people.)
It’s easy to give out commands, rebuke and instruction without padding those little people with the softness of friendship and love that makes them receptive to our instruction.
“Hangin’ out”, as my sister-in-law would say is so important!
I’ve tried lately to single out my children at least every other day and do something with them they enjoy, even if it’s for 15 minutes at a time. Play a card game, dance around the living room, take a walk, read a book, make a craft–these things serve to help us connect.
Conversation
Also just conversing in a friendship way ties the strings of fellowship between mother and child. It communicates that you think they’re important and valuable and worth listening to and being with. Sharing in their lives with questions, smiles and an engaging face is a profoundly important action for a mother.
And finally, as we model what true friendship looks like, our children pick it up and share it with each other. Beautiful.
11 comments
Thank you for such an excellent post!
I just found your site! Thank you for your encouraging words and thought-provoking insight! While out running errands with my children one day, they asked me to buy sunflower seeds. On the inside, I was thinking “big mess.” On the outside I said, “Ok, let’s see which bag has the best deal!” You know what? We’ve had some great conversations while eating sunflower seeds! It really takes quite awhile to work one’s way through your pile so I get lots of time to sit still (I have a hard time with this!) and just listen to my children visiting with me and each other! Love it!!
Sibling rivalry in our home is probably the number one thing that can zap my joy. A couple of days ago, when it had just gotten the best of me, I lectured fervently. I explained how I had grown up in a home with a lot of fussing and fighting and how I despised it. I explained further that I do everything I can to not be involved in an argument, even to the point of walking away. I jokingly commented that I could not walk away from them, my dear blessings, and on and on. After reading this, “As a mother it is so easy for me to get bent out of shape and irritated over dealing with strife that I become the product of what I’m trying to avoid in my children”, I have realized something. I was just making excuses for my frustration at their strife.
Hmmm. I feel an apology coming on…and not from the kids. Thank you again for a wonderful post. If you ever come across a miracle herb that cures sibling strife, be sure and let us all know! 😉
Very thought-provoking post. I’ve posted on this issue just days ago – I guess it is a common-thread among us all!
http://winterpastfinally.blogspot.com/2010/05/when-he-visits.html
We all deal with sibling squabbles, some days more so than others. How we live those teach-able moments is so important – and seeing the opportunity that exists within each moment is easy to miss, too.
Would you say it is more important to spend time cultivating friendships with our children than completing school for the day or finishing cleaning chores? What I have a hard time doing is finding a balance. Also, when I do take the time to just “hang out” with them, it makes it that much harder to do the things that have to be done (laundry, chores, cooking, etc) because all they want to do is continue hanging out.
I could really use more wisdom on this issue.
Great post! Thanks for sharing!
Wow…I so needed this! Thank you!
I had to laugh when I came upon this post. My boys aren’t competitive (they are too different) but they squabble and fight. My oldest (7 years) will not give in or compromise and he takes great joy in just irritating everyone. I’m about at my wit’s end. Today, I was so proud of myself for helping them work out (supposedly) a plan for sharing the blocks in a calm and rational manner and then DS1 just showed that he wanted what he wanted and wasn’t going to cooperate and I flew off the handle and it went down hill from there. I’m just so frustrated. What do you do when you have a very strong willed child who refuses to give in?
We don’t have a problem with fighting in our house unless they are tired. Brief time out each other’s presence does the trick, because they truly love each other and value their friendship.
I had a friend tell me that she would sit her children on bar height chairs knee to knee and face to face until they showed genuine signs of repentance and forgiveness. I’ve only had to do this once, because removing their brother from their presence works so well.
We have the occassional problem, but I notice it usually happen when a friend is over. My children are each others best friends, but when you throw another child in the mix, someone always feels left out. That is when the acting out begins. Another reason to homeschool, I could just imagine how awful they would be to each other if they spent all their time with other friends.
Kelly, Your epiphany was truly a gift from above. As a Christian psychologist, I can tell you from research and experience that the best cure for any type of family strife is a whole lot of positive attention. If children don’t get positive attention and positive reinforcement, they will seek that attention through negative behavior. Yes, this does requite a lot of time and effort, but parenting is our most important job. If some of the laundry or other chores don’t get finished, you are still ahead of the game. It’s also possible to make a game or interactive activity out of activities like cooking and doing chores. Here’s another benefit– you can directly diffuse some of those squabbles by saying something like, “I was hoping we could play a board came together in about half an hour, but if you all keep fighting, you’ll distract me from my chores and I won’t be able to play later!” Thanks for an excellent post!