I guess I’ll be repeating myself til the cows come home (forgive the southern idiom 🙂
“Most people stop after two, Kelly,” was the matter-of-fact comment, spoken of course with a smile (because that makes it OK), from a dear friend of mine, and, believe it or not, pastor. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and more than once during our visit he reminded me (with an innocent joke) how bizarre and weird our choice to let God be sovereign over our family size was.
Every time I witness other believers joking about the large family, my heart hurts. Not because they have hurt MY feelings, even though usually I am the brunt of the jokes, but because it is a constant reminder of the true condition of the “church’s” heart toward children, and ultimately toward God and family.
Am I saying that he was wrong for not allowing God to give him unlimited children? No, because that is between him and God. Am I saying he’s wrong for not upholding the clear teaching of Scripture about the blessing of children, especially as a pastor “to whom much has been given”? Yes, I am.
If my God says children are a blessing, then as a believer, I must reinforce that with my words, my actions and my testimony. If a pastor has been called to “feed my sheep”, then he must feed them biblical truth. There is no allowance, ANYWHERE, in Scripture, for Christians to poke fun, humiliate, or even question another Christian family who has decided to receive all their children. Even if you don’t choose it, you have a responsibility to uphold what the Bible teaches about it.
What a stark contrast to the wedding blessing spoken to Rebekah upon marriage: “May the Lord bless you and make you the mother of thousands and ten thousands!” (paraphrased slightly)
Or the psalmist: “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the very heart of your house, your children like olive plants all around your table.”
Is this the heart we communicate when we get bug eyes and say “are you done?!”
So, yet again, I urge you to ask God to give you his heart concerning children. If the Bible is true, then children are a blessing. And if they are a blessing, let’s ACT LIKE IT!
I scribbled this thought down one day when I was feeling particularly overwhelmed at God’s goodness…
“How could not the station of Motherhood, the very utterance of the word, evoke such wonder, such awe, such honor, as to render every human in its hearing speechless!
For my very ability to hear the word, to ponder its meaning, exists only because I was given birth…by a mother…brought into the world through a series of miracles not even science can explain.
What privilege! What incredible prestige that God gave me, a woman, the special office of bringing new life into the world! Despite sickness, discomfort and pain, I, a mother, ultimately get to embrace the overwhelming honor of ushering forth a human being! Perpetuating the very existence of civilization!
Lord, I must pray for humility as I ponder what an awesome position I hold!
May my heart break to see a disdainful glance thrown at a mother…Surely, Lord, you grieve at every comment not loaded with jubilation, spoken of an expecting mother!
From here on, I adamantly renounce the world’s hatred of your precious gift of children…your tender office of motherhood, and your miraculous ministry of nurturing the next generation.”
22 comments
“I, a mother, ultimately get to embrace the overwhelming honor of ushering forth a human being! Perpetuating the very existence of civilization!”
wow! I never thought of his that way… you’ve put a lot a thought into this haven’t you? I’m constanly put down because I want to have 14 children. My sister thinks I’m nuts and my half-sisters think I’m part of a cult or something. why is it that when someone takes their faith seroiusly they are labeled “legalist” “fundalmentalist” or “being in a cult” do you get that sometime to Kelly? you know people thinking that your part of a cult. I would love to hear the story and advice of how I can deal with people who say that I must be part of a “cult”
xoxoxoxo,
Adlyn
Why, why, why do people think it’s any of their business how many children someone else has?
What is your response when Christians ask you if you’re done? My husband and I usually say we are open to what the Lord gives us. But that answer is typically scoffed at. It’s as if people feel we are claiming to be more “religious” then them or better Christians. That is not what I want to convey. How do I respond without seeming self righteous. I get so sick of explaining myself all of the time. Like I owe the entire Christian community a long detailed explanation of our reproductive choices. I’m tired of it.
One thing I get a kick out of though is when people say, “Wow, and you’re ok with having to drive a “church van?” Ummmm…yeah…lol. Are there really people out there who plan their family based on what kind of car they can drive? Seriously?????
Beautifully said, as usual! Blessings, Kim
I love the way you expressed the heart teachers of the word should have on this or any issue: “Even if they don’t choose to do it, they have a responsibility to teach it.” Of course in most cases, it’s hard to teach with conviction that which you do not live. As an expectant mother of #5I have heard it all and more, like you. While I totally respect any couple’s choice to stop after 2 or 3, I take objection to the disrespect of our choice not to.
Thank you Kelly – I needed to hear that today! I announced my pregnancy with #5 this weekend to my family and was told to enjoy it because surely it would be my last. Scientifically, my fertility will be nonexistent after this baby. I’m 27! Because they’ll agree with no bc and God’s sovereignty over the womb, I didn’t expect that reaction.
I thank God for the internet and for ladies like yourself that constantly provide encouragement for others who desire to serve God and follow His commandments. I wish I could express my gratitude more eloquently, but as I sit here and reflect on how much I’ve grown as a wife and mother in the last year I’m starting to tear up.:) Gotta love hormones!
Quinn
Adlyn,
We have been accused of belonging to a cult, although not usually to our faces 😉 All I can say here is that practicing something that is clearly taught in Scripture (i.e. the blessing of children) places the burden of proof on those who do not embrace that truth. To disagree with something is one thing; but to accuse the godly mother who merely echoes the heart of God in her life of being in a cult, is, well, blasphemous in my opinion. That doesn’t help us “give an answer”, but it may help give us peace.
Out on a limb,
I had to laugh about the van thing…an old (rather trendy)friend I ran into last week, upon hearing about #7, her mouth fell open and she blurted out with disbelief, “I’ve just gotta know–WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?!”
To the question, “Are y’all done?”, I usually give the same answer you give. And while I never want to convey hyper-spirituality, I think sometimes our lifestyle forces people to reconsider their own and may, by default, cause conviction. If I feel I am giving a truthful, straigtforward answer in humility and love, I don’t worry about conviction people might experience. Most of the time though, they just think we’re weird 😉 I certainly try to use every opportunity to plant a seed.
Quinn,
Congratulations! You need to know how encouraging comments like yours are to ME! God is growing us all, and it is wonderful to know we are not alone. I’m constantly encouraged as I hear all you women out there embracing motherhood as a beautiful gift from God. Surely God is at work in a powerful way through the weakness of mothers!
I completely agree. I’m sorry you have been made the brunt of jokes. Most people don’t joke to me, but when I mention I want a large family (meaning 12+ kids), their reaction is, yeah, uh-huh, we’ll just see about that (because I only have 2 now)
Kelly and all of you wonderful ladies,
I wish you could come over to my house so I could give you a big squeeeze! You could even put your head on my shoulder and cry for a few minutes, then we would laugh together, and then we would end up realizing that, no matter what anybody else says–this having lots of babies is worth it all!
Ultimately, I have been warned by God that walking in anything but love and forgiveness to those who haven’t experienced what I have experienced is disobedience–and I don’t trifle with this. But I am still tempted when someone says to me “It must be hard for you, having all of those kids!” I want to retort, “It must be hard for *you*, *not* having all these kids!”
Sherry
!!!!!!!! I can’t believe he said that to you.
I can sympathize in a way, because I am the oldest of seven. One time a campaigner for the pro-abortion movement came to our door, and before he could finish his speel my mom said “We’re pro-life, so we don ‘t need this literature” and he sneered and said “I can SEE that” in a really derogatory way. My mom just beamed as if he’d paid her the highest compliment 😉 and said “thank you!”
We’re expecting our 6th child and we are getting a lot of negative comments. I had a tubal ligation after my 3rd child. 10 years later the Lord blessed us to be able to have a tubal reversal. This will be our 3rd reversal blessing. You wouldn’t believe how many people have told my husband he should have a vasectomy. These comments really started after my 5th baby. My father even told my husband that he could stay with them for a while and “secretly” have a vasectomy and I would never have to know about it. Long story short, my parents have disowned me for our Christian beliefs. We do believe that children are a blessing from the Lord, always!
I get bothered by the questions and comments, too. I enjoy this blog an any others that I happend upon that are encouraging.
We’ve tried the “we believe that children are a blessing and we’ve decided that we’d like the Lord to give us whatever blessings He will”. I’ve found that it’s usually met with either “wow, that’s great” or “oh, okaaaayy”. I read a comment on another blog and their “come-back” is “we’ll stop when we get an ugly one” just cracked me up. I think I may have to try it and see what he response is…of course I’ll add my real answer after the fact.
I also have to add that it’s frustrating to be asked such personal questions. My husband has an acquatance who asked him how many children we had now (we’re due with number 7 in May but at the time we were due with number 5) and my husband told him. This acquantance replied with “well you know how to stop that, don’t you?”. To which my husband responded with “well how many children do you have?”. The man said “well, two, why?”. Then my hubby said “well what’s wrong with *you*? Low sperm count?” This guy got so red in the face and has never bothered my husband with that question or any other like it again. Now I have to add that my hubby would never say something like that to someone who he doesn’t know real well.
Another thing (I’m on a roll here tonight!)…I have never met someone that has many children ever say that they wished they never had “so many”. But I heard several who have small families say they wished they could have had more.
Hugs,
Carmen
Embarassed to say that I forgot to proof the last comment…I apologize for the severe typos!!!
Hugs,
Carmen
Kelly, I so appreciate this post. We just announced our 4th pregnancy to family and were met with mostly excitement but from dh’s Christian family we have received multiple comments about us “becoming Mormons” and “you told us you were done…” Did I sign a contract I was unaware of? Did I not meet the right number of children quota? I am most certainly a lover of Jesus who saved my soul and my husband and I will follow God’s leading as HE sees fit, not as our extended family sees fit for us. Oh, and I almost forgot my brother-in-law who isn’t married, doesn’t want children and lives at home with his parents (he’s 37 and having financial trouble)…he said he was concerned about us financially with our upcoming 4th! I had to laugh and thank the Lord that he is trustworthy and faithful and is most glorified in us when we are the most satisfied in him. That’s where I’ll hang my faith! Thank you for always posting your heart and your wisdom, Kelly!
I just wonder what the motivation is sometimes. I have no problem with casual conversation… like, “Do you want any more children?” kind of thing. But you have to wonder what OTHERS are thinking you’re going to do when you make stupid comments. Do they think you’ll go, “OH! I never THOUGHT about finances or the extra work. I’ll stop reproducing *right now*. Thank you so much for bringing that great point up!”
I also hate how birth control is brought up constantly at the doctors’ office. And they ask it assuming you’re going to do SOMETHING. It just burns me, and I’ve tried switching doctors before… it looks like all the OBs on my insurance in a large radius have the same “policies.” If I weren’t the kind of person who nearly bleeds to death without the special IV each time I deliver, I would seriously have my kids at home and be done with all the poking and unnecessary tests at the same time.
Kelly,
I just wanted to say that I so enjoy your blog and look forward to every one of your posts.
I am most blessed and fortunate to attend a small country church where large homeschooling families are the majority. There are two families with seven (one is expecting again) one family expecting number five, and two families of four. We are expecting our number four, our first daughter. I am only 26, and am hoping and praying that God will continue to bless my womb. We want a very large brood!
Because of the wonderful church where God has placed us I don’t often get a lot of comments, however, I do get the cold shoulder from my own mother. This hurts me more than anything else could. I am thirty weeks pregnant, and my mother only just acknowledged my pregnancy on Saturday. I am so very thankful that she did finally come around and show a morsel of excitement. However, every conversation that I had with her up until this Saturday when she would ignore the fact that I am pregnant, it cut so very deep.
I pray that God would soften her heart and that she would come to look forward to each new grandchild, they are her heritage!
Thank you Kelly for talking about this subject. You do it so well, and you encourage me so much!
Ashley
Congratulation to all you new expecting mothers who have commented!
Mrs. C.,
Do they think you’ll go, “OH! I never THOUGHT about finances or the extra work. I’ll stop reproducing *right now*. Thank you so much for bringing that great point up!”
LOL! I’ve said this same thing. It’s as if we’ve never thought about all the ins and outs. Like we just got up one morning with a wild notion–“Hey, I think I’ll have as many babies as I can!” Too funny!
Ashley,
I know exactly how you feel…my parents are great, but my MIL, when she was alive, hardly acknowledged my pregnancies after number 3. It is terribly painful! And then when that little one is born, suddenly everyone treats it like a real person. Interesting…my only encouragement is that the Lord sees your struggles and knows your heartache. Praise God we haven’t been asked to “forsake mother and father” for the sake of Christ, in the literal sense that many have to do!
Okay, I have to admit, yesterday when I read the title of your post, I thought for a minute that you were announcing a pregnancy in a silly way and I was frantically trying to remember how tiny your baby still is. 🙂
We have 2, and I want more. My husband doesn’t. It’s difficult sometimes, but I’m praying he’ll come around. I don’t want to use birth control anymore but I feel like it would be disrespectful to him to stop against his wishes or behind his back. My sister is pregnant with their fourth, and he’s nice to her about it, but says things about how he can’t imagine having that many kids. It makes me sad.
K in the mirror,
How funny! Well, interestingly enough, when my fourth child was the same age as my baby is now (3 months), I became pregnant with number 5–yes nursing around the clock! (By don’t be afraid…what a blessing that little boy is! He’s is my second boy with 5 girls!)
And as far as your husband goes…yes, that is so hard! But I’m a strong believer that prayer changes people, and if you continaully bring your heart before the Lord, he will do the work in your husband’s heart. Also, it doesn’t hurt to respectfully ask him to read about the subject, explaining to you why you are “wrong”. I don’t think???? In other words, telling him your desire for the two of you to being in agreement (which is very important), whatever that is. And since you feel the way you do, you would like for him to sincerely reveal his reasoning…in trying to prove one perspective wrong, he may come to see it in a whole new light!
Thank you Kelly for this post! My husband and I are pregnant with our 3rd — we have 2 girls — and the comment we hear most often is “are you trying for a boy?” No, we are trying for a baby, boy or girl, end of story. It amazes me that so many think this is why we are “still” having children (again, this is only our 3rd!). What an encouragement to read this posts and all the comments.
Stephanie
kelly:
although you and i don’t always agree, it was through reading your blog that the Lord convicted me about my own rude comments toward large families.
i’ve since stopped the rude questions and every time i see a big family (which is not often in southern california), i try to say something encouraging!
also, as you know, the Lord blessed us with twins so now we have a big family, too. and although my kids attend public school, and although i want all my kids to go to college (girls included!), i am thankful for women like you who are not ashamed to live out their beliefs.
we may not all agree on everything, but we never have to be ashamed of being mothers of MANY children!
let the procreation continue!
;0)
Many blessings to you and your little ones, Elizabeth!!! I still remember crying when you told me you were expecting!