I think we don’t look enough into our little boy’s face and see the man, or into our daughter’s and see the woman. Enjoying and celebrating their childhood is normal and good, but it can be too easy to hover there, forgetting the goal, forgetting to grow them up, forgetting they are men and women in the making, even now.
Stephen Mansfield’s book, Mansfield’s Book of Manly Men, (run, and do not walk, to Amazon to buy this book) has rekindled a vigor in me to raise men, reminding me of how desperately our society depends on it. Mansfield, a brilliant writer and a godly man, gives four “maxims” of manhood.
One of them is this: “Men tend their fields.”
Mansfield explained that he was a bad defensive player in football until one of his genius coaches taught him an important life lesson. He drew a box on the field and told him, “This is your territory. Don’t let anyone in here. Guard it, protect it. It’s yours.” Once, when he let a player through with the ball, the coach told him to meet him on the field the next cold, November morning. When they met, the coach handed Mansfield a pair of scissors and told him he wanted him to “mow” his patch. He said if he took care of it, he would be more likely to guard it. It took Mansfield a week or so to cut all the blades of grass in his patch of field. The plan worked and Mansfield said he became obsessive about that patch. No one ever crossed it again.
Real men own their territories (whatever that is, in each season of life). They guard it, take responsibility for it, care for it, protect it, nurture it and love it.
It’s action. Men do. Real men act like men.
And it shouldn’t come as a surprise, that if we don’t teach them to act like men now, they likely won’t suddenly turn into men as adults.
To tend fields, they must be given fields. From a young age, we can get them practicing responsibility for their fields in their bedrooms, their hygiene, their schoolwork and their chores or jobs. As they become men and learn how to take responsibility for their fields, they grow into men who will do likewise with their families.
We can’t coddle them, tend their fields for them or cushion them from consequences. To do that is to castrate them and set them toward failure. We have too many men who don’t know what it means to have a fierce loyalty to his family, understanding the buck stops with him, because he was never taught the importance of tending his field.
There is a gross misunderstanding by feminists and the feminist-minded that take-charge men are bullies. Some males are bullies, but those aren’t men. (Raising Men in a Man-Hating World)
Real men don’t abdicate or dictate, or wait on someone else or shift blame when things go wrong, or become apathetic. They take charge, they own their responsibility and they nurture those in their care. They emulate Christ who described himself as a shepherd. He owned his field. He tended his flock. The call to men is still the same.
If we don’t have a proper understanding of what a man is supposed to be, we raise our boys wrong. I am challenged to parent with the end in mind. To build habits in my little boys that will grow and serve them in manhood. Do you realize that our work now will greatly impact their wives and children?
A whole generation depends on our vigilance.
11 comments
as a mom of 5 boys, i hear you! it’s especially hard when daddy must be gone much of the time…
Hi Kelly,
How do you teach them to not annoy sisters and say things that are not nice, inspite of always telling them not to?
Angel,
Well first of all, you can be sure we struggle with this too. I’m really battling harsh tongues right now among several of my children. You have to keep telling them, to start with, with an emphasis with the boys about protecting and honoring girls. It’s frustrating and exhausting, but helping children form habits takes repetitive work. But as we tell them, we have to be reminding them of the source of our desire–that God’s Word instructs us how to speak/live. Then, I’ve done some things like make them copy verses (20 or 30 times) that deal with the particular offense. Another rule we are trying to enforce in our home is that if they can’t be friends with each other, they don’t get the privilege of doing things with friends outside the family. This is harder to enforce, and of course, would probably be best practiced if there was ongoing strife, but it is a powerful option. If you figure out any secrets, pass them along to me. 😉
Hi Angel,
I’m a young mom (4 children age 7 and under), so I feel hesitant offering advice here, but here are some things that work for us: In our house, many things a privilege (things many people take for granted, like eating at the table with the rest of the family or running errands with mom and dad.) if you can’t act civilly and treat others with consideration and respect, you lose those privileges where you are expected to act with courtesy. I want them to understand that interaction with society demands basic manners (obviously, we factor in age appropriateness- we don’t demand the toddler never get spaghetti sauce in her hair – and of course they get an opportunity to eat the meal still). Our other tool is to take immediate action. If my son calls his sister a name, I stop them and call him out. He then has the choice to ask forgiveness (this includes an apology with specific admission of guilt “I’m sorry, sister, that I called you a jerk” and asking forgiveness “will you please forgive me.” Then they hug. They’re still young enough that hugging is “cool”) If the name caller chooses not to participate in all steps of the apology (often they try to skip over the step of admitting what they are guilty of) then they can go to their room. They may only rejoin the activity of the house (polite society, if you will) when they are ready to take responsibility and apologize.
I know this may seem hardlined and mean to some, but I have two reasons for doing things this way. First, my husband and I are both only children. We see siblings as a great privilege. We have a zero tolerance policy for meanness between siblings, and our children usually rise easily to that expectation- they know to value each other because not everyone gets to have built in friends. Second, I came from a household where my father (who was a non-recovering alcoholic) had a lot of trouble accepting responsibility for his actions. I never once heard him apologize for a specific action, and he always had an excuse ready. It drove him to make some tragic decisions, and I do not want that for my kids.
Bethany, sorry to be a bit off topic but do your families wonder why you all have chosen to have more children than the avg family? I just wonder because you said you both are only children and I feel like our families tend to take our larger family size and esp homeschooling personally…for whatever reason. BTW…..I have 4 kids ages 8 and under and wonderful advice!
Thanks Kelly, I love your articles. I agree about teaching responsibility, and encouraging boys to take care of their “fields”. But how on earth do I get my 7 yr old son, who is so easily distracted, struggles to listen, and argues with everything, to keep his room tidy! I am at my wits end with this battle.
How are you feeling as the big day is just I on the horizon for Bria? I bet you are excited but also feeling very sad. I remember the week before I got married there was laughter and tears in our household with my mum, sister and myself.
Mim,
My best advice to you, from experience, is, persevere. It is SO frustrating, I know, to feel like you repeat the same things with little results. But you are building. Shaping. Forming lives. It takes careful, persistent attention. And let me say this…put some action behind your words. Sit down and think about some consequences that fit the behavior. If he argues when you give him a chore, give him another one. Carry out the discipline calmly and firmly. We determine a lot about their willingness to obey and respect authority by where we draw the line. My Dad’s famous words to me are, “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” Simply, let them know you mean what you say. There is so much garbage out there right now that undermines parental authority, but when it is carried out lovingly and firmly, it is the best gift you can give to your children.
Also, I’ve started talking to my sons using the term, “tend your fields.” And for some reason, it seems to get through. Maybe it’s a manly term they can relate to. But remind them that the reason you want him to be diligent in the small things is because the Bible says, “”He who is faithful in a very little thing is faithful also in much;”
Do NOT grow weary. Keep at it. Renew your mind each day with patience, strength and determination. That’s the name of our game.
Thank you Kelly, Bethany!
Great advice. Thank you for the encouragement. His mantra for cello practise is “preserver and conquer”. Perhaps I need to start chanting that to myself when asking for the second time 😉
Kelly, how is it that you echo my heart with so many of your posts 🙂 We have two little men and two little ladies and I am praying that if it pleases the Lord, He’ll send more. I so desperately want to raise masculine sons and feminine daughters but I am soooo ill equipped, God help me. Keep this excellent advice coming xx
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