Apparently there’s a movement among more mainstream evangelicals to WAIT about kissing until marriage. (You know, prior to this, it was just us weirdos who would think of such a thing 😉
While I’m not that big on “movements” as it relates to this sort of thing, I’m encouraged, nonetheless, at the official recognition of such a counter-cultural idea.
It solidifies what most of you said yesterday to answer the question about kissing before marriage: kissing is indeed foreplay in most cases. We consider kissing other people off-limits once a couple is married–why not before? Why is it OK to perform what is considered adulterous in marriage before you have found your spouse?
(And, by the way, I’m not just suggesting this is an issue of simply *not kissing* before marriage; I believe it is an issue of not even considering a romantic/intimate relationship until one is ready for marriage. More on that later, but basically, it is fully possible and should be expected, in my opinion, to save all one’s self–emotionally, mentally, physically–for one’s spouse.)
And what about the commands in Scripture to “flee temptation”? Why aren’t Christian parents willing to actually live out and enforce in their families what the Bible plainly says? And is anyone willing to suggest that kissing is not, at the least, a temptation?
It kind of reminds me of Jesus’ taking the commands from the Old Testament and “tightening up” their meanings…”You’ve heard it said ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’, but I say if you even look at a woman lustfully you have committed adultery already in your heart.”
Below is an excerpt from Albert Mohlers Blog: True Lips Wait
“This will come as no news to most younger evangelicals, but The Tennessean [Nashville] has just taken notice of the fact that a sizable number of younger evangelical couples are saving their first kiss for their wedding ceremony
There is no explicit biblical ban on premarital kissing, but any honest person knows that there are kisses that can only be considered sexual, naturally leading to the sex act itself. These young Christians are not afraid of their bodies, they are afraid of sinning against God and losing something precious to themselves as well.
In a world that has made monogamy an embarrassment, these young Christians want to offer their future spouse the gift of monogamous lips. In an age of instant sexual gratification, these young believers believe that true lips wait. This is what a counter-revolution looks like.”
Excerpt from Albert Mohler’s Blog
24 comments
I agree; movements tend to wax and wane, but yay for those who will really follow through. The number of Christian kids who have played with fire and gotten burned (and shamed the name of the Lord while they were at it) is just amazingly large.
Also, I remember a pastor or teacher once telling us that the dating or courtship is a time to get to know one another spiritually, in engagement you add the emotional aspect, and then in marriage you add the physical aspect for the complete package.
Thanks for posting this series. My kids aren’t at this age yet, but it will be a good reference for when they do “get there”. Thanks for your wisdom!
Kelly,
Thanks for your posts. They have forced me to look into how deeply I believe this. And how much more we will be teaching God’s value of holiness and purity in all areas of our lives. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain of His reward: our salvation and obedience! I am so alone in this among friends, you are an encouragment!
I pray that we are seeing the beginnings of another “Great Awakening” with these things becoming more common. That is my greatest hope in this.
To ‘give a kiss’ as a greeting etc is fine from this house, however ‘kissing’ is sexual intimacy.
My eldest is but 6 – yet it is now that she is forming her world view on relationships, so it is essential that I train her now!
I agree with Narelle–NOW is the time to teach our children. Through casual everyday conversation with our children we set the stage for the future.
I also feel that our children need to know what our views are on these subjects so that they will be able to give an answer if asked. We need to take it strait to the Word of God.
I wonder also if we, the parents, were to suddenly find ourselves single and back in the “dating” zone, could WE uphold the standards we have set for our children?
Wow, Bernice, that is a great question!
I agree with this topic completely, and totally get the reasoning behind it – no arguments here! BUT- it seems almost impossible to carry out. I don’t know-maybe it is where I live- but this seems like an idea that is really “out there.” I have difficulty within my own home from DH trying to live the most basic of biblical principles and teach them to my children without being considered a holy roller . DH would flip if I told my sons to even consider this. Maybe if there were more support about these kinds of things in our community, I could have some help with this. But not here. Sometimes I truly feel like I am a missionary in my own little world here. It is scary and hard! God bless you all.
Liz,
Be that missionary through Christ’s strength. (Phil 4:13) How awesome that God has put you in an area of need, and how great He must trust you to listen to Him as He directs you. I just prayed for you and your mission field.
Narelle & Shelly, Thank you for saying what I needed to hear. Start now … good idea! My oldest son is eight. My kids are so naive. They know very little about s*xual intimacy issues so I haven’t broached the kissing subject with them too much. I have said things like “we shouldn’t kiss until we are married” but not much more.
Anyone have pointers anyone how to approach the issue without exposing them too much?
I started talking with my children about courtship when they were young, and they have never considered anything else. DH said at the time I was doing heavy drugs! They are now 19 and 15. Our families do not have any understanding of what is going on, but because my children have seen the fruit of their cousin’s serial dating, they don’t want any part of it.
We have never talked about “no kissing” until marriage, but this blog promted that discussion with my 19 yr old yesterday. Her response, “That seems like a no brainer.” YAH!
This is the work of the Lord in her life.
We recently have been reading a series of books by Castleberry Farms Press on courtship.
They involve 4 fictional characters in 1 fictional family. The books, written simply, go into wonderful detail about what it means to prepare to court, and what characteristics to look for as a guide to helping discern the potential of a person to court. The father leads this discussion through a bible study (in the book). The book Jeff McLean: His Courtship is especially deep, going into what the bible says are characteristics that a Godly woman should have. My toes are still smarting :).
I once had a wise woman say “The Lord never meant for the first twenty years of adulthood to be lived in recovery”. Hopefully, our children won’t have to recover, at least from the wounds of serial dating.
BTY, the Castleberry homestead books are hilarious and great read-alouds.
I completly disagree. This is just insane. Kissing is not forplay. You are lying if you tell kids that. It can lead there if somebody doesn’t have self control. However saving your kiss for marriage is unhealthy. You want you son/daughter/friend whatever to go from KISSING to SEX in ONE night? Do you know how scary that will be for them?
You need to be comfortable with the person your marrying first.
Not all forplay… not that either, but you need to consider whats good for their mental health too.
I know this is an old post, but I really want to address Kallie, who will probably never come back anyway.
I did kiss my husband before we married. I did some other things that I’m even less proud of (though I am grateful that my husband was still my first and only), but we were virgins when we got married.
But even though we’d already done more than we should have, we still didn’t have s*x the same night we were married. I’m not ashamed of that and I don’t think it’s a problem. No, neither spouse should expect to go from kissing to s*x in one night–of course that would be scary and a bit much, and after a long, full and stressful day as well.
The wedding night is the beginning of the couple’s life together and the beginning of the physical relationship. It only has to be the beginning. I also think that all of the married women who comment here would agree that the first time won’t necessarily be the best regardless of what did or didn’t happen before–again, it’s the beginning. Understanding and communication and love for each other are far more important than starting the foreplay earlier so that the first night isn’t “too much.”
I have a question for all of you. I was married and divorced to my wife after 9 months. We dated and were engaged for a total of three years and didnt kiss until we got married. The chemistry was completely horrible and absent. We didn’t even like having sex with each other. She had an affair at the 8 month mark. However, she struggled with homosexuality and had an affair with another woman. I know premarital sex/foreplay is wrong but don’t you think it would make sense for me to at least “french kiss” my next girlfriend/fiancee to ensure I don’t repeat the same devastating experience?
Mark, due to discretion I simply can’t tell you that you SHOULD French-kiss someone. That’s the most intimate kind of kissing and if that doesn’t lead to more, I don’t know what does. But kissing in general? I personally don’t see anything wrong with it. I think chemistry should be experienced and that sex should be very much discussed before marriage, so you both know what you’ll want. I’m so sorry things didn’t work out and that she struggled so. If she is a homosexual, that would explain the lack of chemistry and enjoyment.
Seriously? A guy just said he ended up DIVORCED because there was no chemistry. When will people learn?
He ended up DIVORCED because his wife was struggling with homosexuality! NOT because they didn’t kiss. It’s one thing not to kiss but another not to even WANT to kiss.
I diagree with no kissing before the wedding. I know someone who followed that rule. She waiting until her wedding to kiss her new husband.
What was not known, while on her honeymoon he repeatly raped her. She kept it a secret, and just endured with this brute. This woman firmly believed the man was in control, and since she was married, he could do what he wanted.
It was not until her sister saw all the bruises on her, did anything changed. The woman divorced her husband, and she has never dated again.
By hugging and kissing you get an idea of how your future husband will treat you in bed. This will let you know if he is selfish, or thinking of you first.
There is nothing wrong with hugging and kissing, and it is not foreplay. Where did anyone get that idea?
I am a 16 yr old girl, and in October of 2009, I decided to save my first kiss for marriage. I heard about a singer in a christain rock group that succeeded, and thought it would be really cool. Everyone older than me in my family has had sex out of wedlock, including my parents, but they have tought me since I was in about 6th grade to wait to have sex until marriage. My Brother has engaged in intercourse and foreplay plenty of times and my sister makes out with every boy she goes on a date with. I don’t want to be known as that kind of person. When I decided back in 2009, up to this very day, I receive ridicule from friends, family, and even my bible study leaders. I don’t understand what the big deal is. Tons of people wait until they are out of high school to even start dating. I want to have emotional relationships with people now and kinda figure out what I am looking for in a spouse, but I know the temptations that come from kissing in high school. There is so much pressure to go all the way with someone you won’t talk even be talking to in 5 years. I like knowing that I am saving my first kiss for my husband. I wouldn’t want someone else kissing my husband, so I won’t kiss someone else’s husband. All my friends that do date, kiss, and I don’t judge them because that is their decision. They do all know my standpoint on kissing, and think I’m a little whack. I have had one boyfriend ever. And we didn’t kiss. He was not a Christain, but lied and told me he was so I would date him. He tried to get me to kiss him the whole time, and made me feel like I wasn’t being a good girlfriend when I didn’t. But I know in my heart that it was a short term relationship and it doesn’t matter. I obviously didn’t marry him, so I am glad I didn’t kiss him and succumb to the pressure he put on me to do so. Dating shouldn’t just be for a label or to post on facebook. I feel like dating should be to find who you will marry. When I was in 5th grade I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a spouse. Every once in a while, I go back to the list, change it to get rid of the silly requirements ( must look like brad pitt, must be famous.. ya know, the things 5th graders want) and I make a realistic list of what I really hope I can find in the guy that God blesses me with. I know that God will bring me the guy he wants me to be with, and I pray for it frequently. But for now, I am having fun in high school without any regrets. I still have dates to the dances and hang out with friends on the weekend, but I don’t kiss. I still have a great time, and there is no awkward moment at the end of the date because before the date happens the guy knows where my boundaries lie. For parents wondering when they should have a talk with their kids, I suggest this. Have them go to purity nights at their church, and allow them to go to the sex ed/ puberty class at school. It was around that time when my mom started to ask me if I had any questions about any of it. She answered the one’s I did have, and told me her sexual wishes for me. She said she prayed that I waited until marriage before I had sex and prayed that whatever decisions I made, I felt they were the right ones and that I wasn’t trying to satisfy myself or my friends or guys, but God. It didn’t work with all of my siblings, but every kid is different. My twin sister tries to please everyone she comes into contact with, and so when she is on a date, she tries to please guys (although she is still a virgin) and my brother was stuck in a relationship for way too long and a young age, and thought that is what had to happen. My advice to parents, give the pros and cons of every option to your kid, and get them involved in church. But DO NOT force any decisions on them. Don’t make them go to church, or the purity nights, or camp, and don’t make them wait until a certain age to date, or tell them they can’t have sex. As teens, we want to do exactly the opposite of what our parents tell us. Let us make our own decisions, but influence to do what is right.
Very wise, Mackenzie! Great job in balancing wisdom! But I disagree somewhat in the remark about making your children wait a certain age to date; very young teens should be kept from stuff like that.
Fine to see a young person as you being committed to purity, you show not to go with mainstream opinions.
Stay with your conviction, I have done as well.
Maintain a non-kisser and faithful to your future partner.
May God be with you.
Hans.
Wow Mackenzie. Beautifully stated. Even though I may not have the same self discipline as you, everything you say is very correct. It’s good to know that people like you that have that sort of self discipline can also be understanding of others that don’t chose the same path. For someone my age, you’re very wise and I respect that. And to the parents who read mackenzie’s comment she is full of truth. What a parent says, us teens usually do the exact opposite. Guidance is simply the best parents can offer to their children of they want them to do something.
If you work to earn this merit badge by not kissing before marriage, how do you deal with pride in your hearts when you accomplish this? Should the focus be on our behavior, or on the savior who cleanses us from all sins. We all mis the mark, sin. It doesn’t excuse it, but the focus should be on the savior and not on the sinner. When He invades my being, I will be made pure. Love God, and then live life.
Oh, Don, you are so confused. Trying to avoid temptation by setting a boundary is not working for merit (although anyone could turn anything into an outward-only work). The Savior cleanses us so we can be like Him. So we can be holy. Otherwise, he died in vain. What an insult to our Savior to say our behavior doesn’t matter. (You are a new creature in Christ.) In that vein if one chooses to avoid temptation, there is nothing of pride in it. Couldn’t the same thing be said about anything we do to follow Christ? If I said, “Well, good for you, you haven’t tried drugs. How do you deal with the pride that comes from earning that merit badge?” It’s silly. Missing the mark has nothing to do with striving to serve Him wholly. This is coming from a woman who had a child out of wedlock, by the way.