When my mother relayed this conversation to me my heart just sank for this evidence of the general mentality of people toward children. It’s not the first time I’ve heard a comment like that. But you see, when we view children as a burden (although this woman would have never admitted to thinking of them as a “burden”), then the assumption that an older child who helps with their care would not want children of their own is a fairly accurate assumption. This woman basically looks at children, the care of them, the training of them, and anything else to do with them, as an imposition; trouble; sacrifice. And so naturally, she thinks that an older child “burdened” with their care is being treated unfairly.
Oh, but there’s such a different side to it that many people never see! There’s no denying that caring for children is work. But isn’t life mostly about work? I mean of course there’s a balance to everything, but we would be far ahead to become content with the idea that most of our lives involved working of some sort. The irony is that any other kind work is viewed as noble, important and worth spending time at. The work involved in taking care of children is somehow a burden no one should have to bear. I never hear anyone saying, “Oh, that poor school teacher just works her fingers to the bone. She never gets any rest…I can’t believe she is doing this to herself. What is she thinking?”
Yes, my oldest daughter has a big responsibility in helping care for our family. But here’s the difference: In our family, we verbally and physically exalt the blessing of children. Regardless of the diapers, the messes and the squabbles, we view this work as the most noble on earth. She understands that this work goes far beyond the physical demands; that no woman could hold greater power than that of helping shape an immortal life. My daughter takes pride in her role in our family. She adores her siblings, and would rather be no where than here, helping in the eternal shaping of their little souls. She says, quite often, “what would I do without these precious little things?” She prays for lots of children when she grows up. (She even starts wishing for another sibling when the baby reaches about 9 months old! Does that sound like the wish of a “burdened, over-worked girl”?)
My next post is a short essay that she wrote on “Being the Oldest”.
13 comments
This is good. I think that when we teach our children, they will more often than not adopt our attitudes along with our behaviors; so when the older daughter starts nurturing her younger siblings along with Mom, she will do it more or less with Mom’s attitude. If Mom resents her task, so will the daughter. If she loves it and shows selflessness and concern for her children, so will the daughter. I think that attitude is a main determiner of the daughter’s decision to have or not to have a big family herself. (Although her mother’s attitude could be obscured by her friends’ if this mother-daughter relationship is not very close.)
Your oldest…does she have a choice?
In regard to Elizabeth’s comment:
Yes…she has the choice to obey God and “be fruitful and multiply” or disregard His commands. She has the choice to receive the children God wants to give her (if He does, in fact, give her any) and reap the blessing of that, or to refuse them and miss those blessings. She has the choice to joyfully accept God’s design for her body, or break it.
She has grown up in a home where children are cherished. Her desire to have children isn’t a “brain-washed” condition, or part of a contract she must sign before leaving home; it is a natural inclination God gave her at birth (as I believe He does every woman)that has been nourished, rather than supressed by lies perpetuated in a society that regards children as burdens.
The question “does she have a choice” hints of the liberal idea that children should just be left on their own to make up their own minds about everything, including their world view. Few parents really believe this is a good idea. Every parent passes on his worldview, value, and religious beliefs to his children. And from a Christian perspective, this is a parent’s job. To neglect it would make you a bad parent. To assume that just because word warrior teaches her daughter that children are a blessing is somehow robbing her of her “choice” is absurd.
Is Elizabeth asking about a choice to have children? Or a choice to be happy about it…please clarify.
I attend church with Bria and have visited them in their home. She is an excellent big sister. My daughter’s admire her so much.
Yes, she has a heavy load, but what is her alternative? Indulge herself in silly conversations for hours on end as most girls her age do? Should she spend hours and hours hanging out at the mall drooling over goofy boys?
It is wonderful that she is not looking to the culture to define what her roll as a daughter and sibling should be. She is looking (actually following in her parents footsteps) as to what God’s pattern for life should be. She is learning how to be a productive, RESPONSIBLE, PATIENT, kind human! Hard? YES! But I look forward to what a brilliant ruby she will be as God refines her.
I have 2 younger siblings. We are all about 40ish now. We have NO relationship with each other. We were taught to look out for number 1! We fought tooth and nail as kids. We were not taught anything about loving each other because this is what God says to do.
Bria, you continue to PRESS ON Sister! It is all worth it! You’ll never regret dying to yourself and living in a way that pleases your Heavenly Father!
Anonymous 1 & 2: not all women must bear children. Some choose a life of chastity in order to serve God without distraction. This, too, is noble.
Word Warrior: then I guess you have nothing to worry about. She will choose what she knows. Most children do.
Kathy: my point exactly. Bria bears the heavy load of raising her siblings because her mother has so many children she cannot possibly do it without help.
Here’s a novel idea Elizabeth…
Perhaps family was an institution created by God in which its members can best learn how to be like Jesus. The “heavy load” of children is supposed to be shared; just like the heavy load of a corporation is shared by all the employees.
But in a family, where work is shared, a common goal is shared, laughter and play are shared–everything is shared, children grow up in a balanced atmosphere where putting others first is paramount(Jesus)…where serving others becomes a delight(Jesus)…where “socialization skills” are truly learned…where there is purpose and meaning to life…where responsibility and preparation for a productive life are acquired…where there is the safety and gaining of wisdom through observing parents.
I think it is safe to say we can look around at the “average” teenager and its kind of scary. They are completely self-absorbed, with little direction and little family relationship, and little training for the future. Is this really how we want to train up the next generation?
It is a TRAGEDY when Christians “pity” a young man or young woman who is being taught the now-scarce jewel of decent work ethic. It is also a tragedy when we look at a large family as “a burden mom can’t bear alone”. Do you think God didn’t know that when He planned the reproduction process? Do you think He didn’t mean for us to share the work as a family? What a joy! What a blessing we experience as we share this life God gave us!
Elizabeth:
You said that serving God is a noble cause. I know that He says that in serving others, we also serve Him. I think Bria is in this category, and her mom is, too, despite what you may think about it being a burden for them!
But it is a “Burden” that is so beautiful, because of the fruit of the labor!!!
And no, God did not design Bria’s mom to do it all by herself. THAT is the point!
There is JOY in the journey! Not only is that joy and laughter shared, it is actually multiplied!
oh please.
you’re telling me that God intended for a woman to reproduce without end? until her uterus literally falls out of her? have you heard of a prolapsed uterus?
even God rested on the 7th day. why would he expect His creation to keep creating ad infinitum??
Not sure what your question has to do with the last comment but…
No..I don’t believe God wants women to “produce without end”. Just as He so intricately designed every other part of the reproductive process, he sovereignly brings an end to every woman’s fertility about the age of 45. (And our bodies do wear out…due to sin, not God’s original design. Your teeth wear out and eventually fall out, but do you quit eating so it won’t happen? Hearts wear out; do we lie on the couch all day to keep from overworking it?)
Do you believe that God just “forgot” to include a shut-off valve in our bodies? Do you think He messed up? Why WOULDN’T He expect His creation to “keep on reproducing” since that’s how He created it in the first place? Every other creature on the planet accepts their design. How much more should we? (By the way, there is not even a hint, anywhere in Scripture, that we should try to prevent conception…while there are many passages that point to the opposite–including large families.)
(And resting on the Sabbath is a bad analogy…it hardly excuses us from destroying what God said was “good”.)
If He wants a woman to quit “producing”, maybe He does allow her to have a prolapsed uterus. At that point she may be satisfied that He, not her, has made the sovereign decision to close her womb. It’s all about God’s sovereignty; children or no children, health problems or not, large family or small. We’re talking about the sacredness of human life here–an area about which I wouldn’t dare admit to having authority over.
But frankly, I have a hard time believing God makes our bodies to function a certain way, and then expects us to interfere with that functioning.
It is my opinion that a woman who recieves all her children should never have to explain that; no more than she should have to explain why she urinates when her bladder is full. It’s just what her body does! If anyone must give an answer, it should be the one who has opposed God’s design, and chosen to alter the way He made their bodies. I don’t ask for that explanation…but it is often asked of me. Go figure???
By the way, I was very angry the first time someone mentioned the idea of letting God be sovereign over our family size. I went through every argument anyone else does; There is no “angle” I have not thoroughly explored. I gave every reason, scientific, emotional, financial, etc. why that idea was “wrong”. I refused, for a long time to even entertain it. It was God’s conviction, and that alone, that melted my heart and anger, and gave me the grace to accept His sovereignty. And little by little, the fear melted into joy and a dependence on Him which I never thought I could experience. Just thought I’d mention that.
Despite your “agitation” at the whole birth control thing, I’m a normal person who used to be there too. And though I am very passionate about my convictions, I do NOT sit here at my computer in anger. The only reason I ever started this blog was to allow the Lord, if He wished, in some way, to use my words, along with my convictions, to possibly plant a seed somewhere. I know in doing that, people will get angry. But that’s not my intent.
Elizabeth, I respect your initiative to even defend your position. The worst thing is apathy; Have an opinion. But at least back it up with something! I don’t mind so much if someone disagrees with me, as long as they have really, truly thought about it…searched it out, and feel confident that they have arrived at a decision with solid thought and substance.