Shyla writes:
“Tattling. Tattling is often my hardest issue. I have six 10 and under. A few of mine have a very strong sense of right vs. wrong and feel the need to make sure justice is served. I have to make sure to differentiate b/t a sense of justice vs. a heart wanting to get a sibling in trouble, but that is often very difficult.I would LOVE to hear how other Christian mothers handle tattling.”
Boy, don’t we struggle with this one! And I am very open to your suggestions!
Personally, for a while we followed the Pearl’s idea of spanking both the tattler and the “tattlee“. But it’s not always so clear cut for me, so I struggled with that a little bit.
And while I encourage my children to work things out on their own, we all know that because each child has a different personality, it’s easy for some to bully others, always getting their way, while the less aggressive one suffers silently.
Much discernment is the parent’s best friend!
We have a general rule that you are only to tell on others if they are doing something harmful to someone or themselves or destroying property. I remind them that I am not going to referee every little incident.
I also try to see through any deception that might be going on. If the same child is tattling over the same offense from another child on a regular basis, I try to see what’s going on at the heart of that issue.
Again, here is where it really pays to stay close–within earshot of your children when possible. It helps so much to be able to hear an incident before it is reported. You can see who is exaggerating or instigating from a much more unbiased perspective.
If you are sure you just have a tattler, then assigning that child something unpleasant may be in order.
For example…tattler comes in. You say (indifferently, with no “disciplining tone”), “Well I can see that you two aren’t playing well together. So ______ (tattler’s name), I’m going to get you to help me clean the windows while Susie stays outside playing.
It won’t take him very long to figure out it’s not worth the telling. Pearl also suggests that in a true tattler situation, the tattler should be the only one who receives correction.
13 comments
I am so enjoying this series. Lots of helpful, practical reminders.
We have similar expectations in this area in our household. Aside from injury to person or property we also see repeated offenses as legitimate cause for involving an adult.
If they have already politely asked a behavior to stop and the other person is repeatedly not showing consideration, they can bring that to us for intercession.
We do expect them to follow certain steps in reporting behavior. (These are adapted from Boys Town Social Skills that they used at a school we worked at as well)
– Look at the person
– Use a pleasant voice
– Ask to speak to the adult privately (this eliminates the, “MOM, HE HIT ME!”)
– Explain the offense
– Thank the adult for listening
That is where the situation might end. They have then transferred it into our hands and we can follow up as we see fit.
I have also heard of some people using a tattle book (for kids who can write). Instead of telling on someone, they go write it down and parents can peruse the chronicles of offenses as they see fit. I don’t know that I think that’s a great idea, but it has worked for some.
Thanks again for this series!
Erin
Thanks for bringing this up for discussion. One thing we have done, which has helped some with the older ones (it helps more when we actually remember to be consistent with it), is Matthew 18. Talk to your brother (or sister) first.
Oh, I like this! We’re also working on the difference between “reporting” and “tattling” with my five year old. Reporting is when you’re coming to tell a grownup that somebody is doing something that might hurt them. Tattling is when you’re telling because you want them to get in trouble.
A lot of times when she comes in and starts with MOM! I just ask if she’s reporting or tattling. Sometimes she slinks away and mutters, “tattling. I’ll go talk to my brother first…..”
I prefer the Matthew 18; I also like the idea of a "tattler book", as were written.
I don't feel spanking is necessary or appropriate in most siutations. I also don't see how swatting someone can be done in a "calm controlled loving" manner. The two just don't go together.
I have friends who do as such; a pastor & wife. Their oldest boy spent some time with us over a weekend two years ago. One of the "games" he would "play" was taking a stuffed animal & swatting its bottom, while saying "ow, ow, ow!" He thought this was a great joke. Dh diverted them to some appropriate play. Perhaps I should've reported it to the parents but I did not.
A parent may *think* they are doing something in a particular manner, but one never knows how the child is processing it. One can't watch everything they are doing to tell, as was noted by this behavior.
Perhaps my thoughts are skewed by having grown up in an abusive home. But I was told myriads of times to spank my autistic child due to some behaviors; this was horrendous advice & completely inappropriate. It also really cut into my relationship with my son. I always felt he was just doing bad & I was a bad mother for not disciplining the way they said God said I should.
Unfortunately the advice is typical, & many kids may be being abused because Christians think this should be done.
Hi Kelly,
I have a question about your template. I have the same template at my blogspot…I was wondering though,how did you get the white background/column look,and how did you get the boxes/lines around each post, and the thick green bar at the bottom of each post? Is there an html code to do those things. If you wouldn’t mind sharing I would love to know!
Thanks!
Blessings,
Dea
Anon–While I’m fully aware of many Christians who believe the Bible doesn’t teach spanking and that it is harmful, I strongly disagree, I believe spanking is biblial, and I think it’s harmful to reinterpret Scriptures to suit the popular consensus of the culture.
Besides that, I’ve never seen a family who practiced–yes, calm and controlled (and loving) spanking with negative results.
Dea–I’m about to run out the door…will answer your questions tonight!
I was not reinterpreting scriptures reg. spanking, however, it must be noted that it can not be the solution to everything, nor is it appropriate for everyone, in particular, children with special needs. So perhaps parents who choose other methods should not be judged without fully understanding.
Better to take a different road in discipline, than to spank in anger & sin.
This is one area we struggle with too. We want our children to be able to work things out between them, but one is 3 and in somewhat reasonable, the other is a short tempered 2 year old who has a hard time communicating. The 3 year old tattles a lot. I don’t want to discourage her from telling me the important things that the 2 year old is doing wrong, but it is tiring to hear every “offense”. I am not in the camp that thinks it is only biblical to spank for every offense either so it makes no sense to me to spank the tattler.
Oh, and I really liked what you had to say Erin.
The layout of the blog is from the blogger design template I chose–“ROUNDERS”. (You can still use the pretty template, it just changes the layout.)
The colors can be changed in the html code. Just click on the “layout” tab and choose “edit html”.
The background color of the post (white) can be changed by typing the code for white (#ffffff) in the first line’s code.
It should look like this:
Variable name=”mainBgColor” description=”Main Background Color”
type=”color” default=”#fff” value=”#ffffff”
If you want a different color, do a google search for “color hex codes” and replace the ffffff with whatever color code you like.
Then, to get the green bar, you do the same thing in the part of the code that is your “post footer background”. The code on mine is found just before half way down the page. It looks like this:
.post-footer {
background: #666600;
Hope that helps!
I must say that I have to agree with Kelly on the spanking issue. It can and must be done in a calm, controlled,and loving way.
One who would say that they cannot ever spank because they get too angry would be the same person who would be verbally abusive. To me this is just as wrong…. so it (anger) MUST BE controlled either way.
“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” – Proverbs 22:15
“The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left undisciplined brings his mother to shame. Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your heart.” – Proverbs 29:15,17
Scripture: “Do not hold back discipline from the child; Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol (death).” – Proverbs 23:13-14
“He who spares his rod HATES his son, but he who loves him diligently disciplines and punishes him early.” – Proverbs 13:24
“The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline.” – Proverbs 1:7
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” – Hebrews 12:11
“Discipline your son while there is hope, and do not desire his death.” – Proverbs 19:18
We generally do not allow tattling. If a child comes to me with a tattle, I generally ask something like, “Oh, what should I do? Should I go spank him?”
The child usually says, “Well, no.”
I say, “Well, why are you telling me? Where is your heart? Is your heart to get your brother in trouble?”
“Well…..”
“Remember that love covers a multitude of faults. If you don’t want your brother in trouble, you need to look at the motive of your heart. Now go think about that.”
Generally they don’t come back to push the issue.
I can’t stand tattling. I just can’t put up with it. Thankfully, due to not rewarding selfish tattling, we don’t have much of it to deal with.