Justin & Melissa
Whenever I bring up a topic, it’s invariably difficult to know whether to preface it with basic explanations for those unfamiliar with it, or to jump into the nuts and bolts for others.
With courtship, it seems there are so many misunderstandings about it, even among those who have “seen” it or are somewhat familiar. I think it needs to be restated…courtship is not a magical formula, or a fool-proof method.
It’s really no method at all, but an attempt by those who recognize the danger and unbiblical nature of recreational dating to find a more sensible approach to marriage.
So before we talk about the practical side of it, I wanted to post some links I think many will find helpful and informative.
(If you’ve been reading for a while, these articles are probably a repeat for you…my apologies 😉
Beautiful courtship stories of two of our friends:
Courtship explained:
No Dating? And What is Courtship?
A Personal Note: Final Thoughts on Dating & Courtship–my story
15 comments
I think this is a lovely idea, and I definitely agree that we will be handling this issue differently and more prudently than it was handled when I was an adolescent!
That said, I do feel the need to add a word of encouragement to all of you reading this who have not had positive dating experiences or even if you did have given too much of yourselves away to them before marriage. All this talk of “purity” should not be taken to mean that you are somehow permanently sullied. When you know better, you do better, and God can heal all wounds.
There is evidence to suggest that an unthinking emphasis on abstinence only encourages teens to be unprepared for sexual situations. The rate of intercourse is just about the same for conservative christian teens as it is for the general population–the former put it off a few months longer but are less likely to use contraception. I worry that kids are being held to burdens that they aren’t helped to bear, and the courtship model is entirely worth holding up in instead of the “start dating when you are fifteen but don’t have sex” model which only leads to heartbreak.
BUT, regardless of your past experiences, even if you chose to have sex or had it pushed on you unprepared or unwilling, God can heal.
These are great links and resources Kelly. I think clarification about the purpose of courtship – one of which is not letting our children walk the same painful path many of us did with regard to recreational dating – is important.
Many assume it’s intended to control young people or arrange marriages. It’s actually just the opposite. The young man and woman are given the freedom to choose each other, separate from all the angst and pressure that cultural “normalcy” suggests.
Thanks for the links, Kelly. The more my husband and I read, the easier it becomes for us to grasp a clear vision of what the courtship process for our family will look like.
“There is evidence to suggest that an *unthinking emphasis* on abstinence only encourages teens to be unprepared for sexual situations”
I think you are absolutely right about the unthinking part.
I saw this with my peers who left a cult group after my family did. I was younger, and with my family, and my parents could “salvage” things with us. My peers, many of them, were just dumped alone in the world with nothing to go on except “don’t have sex, it’s bad”. Needless to say, many of the girls ended up becoming promiscuous, some were raped or at least taken advantage of, some had abortions, and there were other “side effects” to this like drunkenness, drugs, and anorexia. 🙁
What is too bad is that people take this and extrapolate that teaching abstinence is useless, and the best you can do is hand them a condom and wish them luck.
Thanks for all the links. I still am not 100% sure, or even 50% LOL, of what the future re: our daughter’s future husband and the getting to know you stage will look like. I think having all these things as a “base knowledge” will be helpful. And I believe it is important to not have it nailed down 100% at all. Then it poses a risk of becoming a religion which may lead to a deafness to God’s leading because of a sticking to “the rules.” I love that you present all these examples…no two alike. It shows the families having a heart toward God, not man. Truely beautiful!
WW (Kelly),
I think that you have sons in your family (?) and my question is this: what if one of your sons desires to pursue a “courtship” with a young woman whose family does not require the same type of “arrangement?” I.e. her father does not require this type of protocol and is willing to allow his daughter to “date.” How would you handle that with your son?
Amy Jo,
Two thoughts come to mind…first, it’s doubtful, having raised sons to seek wives who place a priority on purity, that he would even be interested in someone who was involved in recreational dating. That’s not supposed to imply “snobbiness” or say that our sons might not marry a girl who has dated, just that from where we are right now, it would see most logical that he would want to pursue a girl more like-minded…not there yet, so hard to say.
Secondly, if the situation were such, I’m thinking the process (whatever that is for us) could still be followed.
Kelly,
Thank you for your answer. I know that many families pursue this concept differently and the courtship ideal is one that our family embraces as welll. One other question I have (and this is based on your family as I know you cannot speak for others): Is there an age at which you and your husband would be “less invovled” with this process? For example, would you treat this differently with a 17 year old child as opposed to a 25 year old one? (I know that this is a jump ahead for you since none of yours are at this age yet, but from your speculation)
Kelly,
Even though I will probably never have children (I’m 40), I was deeply moved by the courtship stories that you shared. I had not read them before (even though I come to your blog often), so it was a pleasant treat (smiles).
I just had some questions though. What if we are already married and didn’t have a totally “pure” marriage such as these young people did? Does this make our marriages less “pure” or insignificant because we pursued recreational dating (due to parents maybe not knowing another way)? How do you think God views marriages that were pursued via recreational dating even though the couple is currently pursing God’s way of life? These are sincere questions, and I was just curious as to your thoughts.
BTW, when you come across more courtship stories such as these two, PLEASE share them! I enjoy reading them (smiles).
P.S. Also, when are you going to share with us new pictures of Ellia (I hope I spelled her name correctly.)?
Lady Sophia,
“What if we are already married and didn’t have a totally “pure” marriage such as these young people did? Does this make our marriages less “pure” or insignificant because we pursued recreational dating (due to parents maybe not knowing another way)?”
I mentioned briefly in the link, “A Personal Note..”, how I felt about this. No, I don’t think our marriages are less at all in God’s eyes. I think, however, that just like any other “breaking of God’s laws/natural laws” that there are consequences that can remain, even after we’ve been spiritually redeemed. Much the same as someone who is unfaithful in marriage and then repents and get forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily wipe away the repercussions. (That may be a bad example????)
Most all of us participated in recreational dating. Some probably have worse “baggage” than others. I’ve shared about how I was involved in several serious relationships, gave my heart away multiple times, was intimately involved, had a child out of wedlock, etc. I know without a doubt that my past has had negative effects on my marriage. It doesn’t mean I’m not forgiven. I still think God honors my marriage, I’m just aware that even issues within my heart probably stem from “sinning against my own body”–my own betrayal of what was sacred.
By the same token, I think everyone is affected differently, and everyone has unique circumstances from his/her past. Some may “feel” like dating wasn’t harmful at all. I think more often than not, people don’t even realize how it affected them.
Sorry to answer in a book 😉
Lady Sophia,
P.S. We were just talking about pictures today! I’ve put Bria to the task of another photo shoot 😉
Kelly,
Thank you for revisiting this topic. I am so interested in this for my family, yet I have seen very few examples of it.
BY THE WAY; I hope everyone is listening to family life today this week. One of our favorite speakers (Voddie Baucham) was interviewed about his new book. It covers this topic! So far, it has been excellent!
http://www.familylife.com
Justin and Melissa who?