The comments/questions raised in the last post are precisely why it is SO vital that we keep our worldview in check with Scripture.
Our worldview affects every area of life, including raising children. I could write a book here, but I’ll try not 😉 The “free-grace movement” akin to or also called the “Emergent Church”, (and I call it a movement because it’s not the grace taught in Scripture–it takes the precious gift of our Lord’s grace and distorts it, leaving behind a mess), is dangerously sweeping across the Christian community, subtle in its deception, taking the part of Scripture that “tickles the ear” and re-writing the rest (more on their “new” Bible later).
But specifically addressing the question from a commenter, “how do we raise obedient children without being legalistic?”
The actual work of parenting is hard; the concept is not.
Children must learn to obey parents–no amount of talking around Scripture and highlighting only grace while ignoring the rest changes that simple command. (Yes, I used the word “command”…not a popular word among the GM)
Children can and should be taught to honor their parents in a home full of love, tenderness and respect.
I personally advocate spanking–only when done calmly, in a spirit of love, with a desire to bring true repentance in the case of disobedience (not accidents, etc.).
We point out the reason for the discipline–we call it sin, and we give Scripture to back it. We discipline in a spirit of brokenness (we try, at least), not “because you made Mommy angry”, but because “God says ‘children obey your parents in the Lord’, and when you disobey I must discipline you”. Don’t be afraid, that is biblical. This “prodigal son analogy” isn’t given to parents as a model of disciplining their children. It is a parable about the work of Jesus at Calvary.
(“The Lord chastens whom He loves…just as your earthly fathers do…if not, you would be considered an illegitimate son…”) I’m paraphrasing because I’m not at home and don’t have my Bible with me!
The GM objection here is, “we sin, and God is merciful…how can we chasten our children for disobedience?” The answer, “because God said to”.
Rules in our home are nothing more than guidelines to help them obey. You can’t say to a child, “Children obey your parents”, and then leave him clueless about what he is to obey–how frustrating!
This is why I get really upset with this “new” theology that makes anyone who mentions a “rule” out to be a legalistic tyrant. Please!
Scripture says, “If you love me, you will obey my commands.”
OK, Lord, what commands?
Do not commit adultery. Do not murder. Do not steal.
Being under grace does not give us license to just throw off obedience to the Word of God!
We are not under the law, meaning the penalty for breaking it has been paid. But we are still instructed to keep obeying/repenting and hating our own sin. And yes, God still chastens us for disobedience!
Dress modestly. Don’t lust. Be kind. Love your neighbor.
These are RULES. Rules that tell us what is good for us. It is not legalistic to strive to obey the Lord who has paid your ransom!
So it is with parents. Rules are fine. But we must ultimately point them back to “God’s rules”. For example, “Chew with your mouth closed at the table”. We remind and practice this rule because the Bible says, “love your neighbor as yourself”. I tell my children when we’re discussing manners, “We don’t practice manners to impress people…we practice manners because it is a real way to show love to those around you–your neighbors.”
Anything we require of our children can ultimately be rooted in a Scriptural principle. This is the way to avoid legalism.
Aside from when and how to discipline, nurturing a right relationship is CRUCIAL in the home. I fail, like all of you do (we’re all in this human thing together), but I constantly reinforce my love to my children.
Hardly an hour passes that I don’t look one of them in the eyes, and with a sincere smile say, “I feel so blessed that your are mine…I not only love you, I like you. I like being with you!”
I remind my children how important they are to our family…of their worth and value in the eyes of their Creator.
When I do have to spank them, I do it with sorrow, and they know it. If it is done in anger, it is wrong–it becomes OUR sin. Afterwards, they are so free, they feel so secure, and their face wears the relief. Our relationship is restored and they are HAPPY.
I wrote an ebook on this, but that’s the long and short of it.
I fear for this new wave of theology that has parents so confused. Be very vigilant…study God’s Word, look to HIM for answers. There is a sweeping wave of false doctrine being propagated and the most important thing to remember about it is, most of it is true, and sounds really good…the deception is subtle, which is what makes it so dangerous.
9 comments
Thank you for this post. We had to break off contact with “Christian” family members who are so plugged into the grace movement that they began accusing us of actual child abuse for using spanking as one method of discipline in our home, going as far as to tell my husband that parents who spank their kids should be in jail.
Our decision to protect our children and life has torn our extended family apart and as the peacemaker in the family I’ve been asked to just get over it and fix things… such manipulation of God’s Word must grieve Him so.
Great post.
We don’t spank, but we do expect obedience from our children, and they know it.
I have no problem with spanking, we have just chosen to discipline without it. We’re not to the end of the road by any means (our children are 17, 13, and 10) but so far, so good. They’re very obedient and respectful. My husband suffered terrible physical abuse as a child and he determined that spanking would not be used in our home.
My parents didn’t use spanking on my brother and I either, so I also had a model of Christian parenting (without spanking) to follow, and that helped a lot.
I don’t believe spanking is abusive, but neither do I believe it is always necessary for raising Godly children.
I have been following this discussion with much interest. I read To Train Up A Child a few years ago, and I had a hard time getting through that book. I don’t like Michael Pearls harshness and name calling of children. That may be his approach to his children, but his style does not go over well in our family. That does not mean we have thrown out the baby with the bath water though.
We do believe in spanking, but with much training of our children, we rarely have to do it. I do not spank my children daily or even weekly (most of the time). In fact we can go months without having to dole out a spanking. As they get older and mature, I believe there is a need for less and less spanking, if at all. My daughter is 13, and I find that we fare much better by working through a sinful issue we see arising by studying God’s Word, praying together, and often times “tomato staking”. I see her taking responsibility in her walk with God, and that is my goal. My younger child however has not reached that level of maturity yet, and requires a lot of training in obedience and sometimes a spanking. First however, we try to instill Scripture into him for weaker areas we see. Once we instill God’s Word, then we can hold our children accountable for breaking it. For example, if my son called a name. I would lead him to the Bible and show him the Scripture(s) that explain why it is wrong. Then I would lead him to repent, we would likely discuss it further and then move on. If after that, he called a name again, at that point I would spank him. We would review the Scripture, pray, and hopefully resolve the matter.
I have a hard time with parents using the words “I don’t want to spank you but God’s word tells me I have to” How is that going to instill a love for God in your children?
I guess we fall smack dab in the middle of legalistic parenting and grace based parenting. I don’t agree to making our children live up to an unkeepable standard of perfection, but I DO believe in holding them to God’s standards.
I think an important issue that has been overlooked here is the age of the child. A 2 year old is going to need a lot more time invested into training for obedience than a 15 year old who has reached a higher level of maturity (because of earlier traning). That may mean more times of discipline while training is being worked out, but I think the ultimate goal is to move away from spankings and see our children begin to recognize and repent of their own sin as they grow in Christ. When we can see them get to that place, then we can rest assured that the Holy Spirit is truly writing His Word upon their hearts. This may mean different ages for different chidren. I don’t believe that any parent wants to live out a life of constantly spanking their children, atleast I hope not. I would question myself if I were a parent who was constantly spanking my child, several times a day or even daily.
I expect cheerful, first time obedience in my children. I don’t think parenting with grace thrown in means that you don’t expect that from your children. As in all things, there is balance. If you are out of balance, you need to get yourself back in balance by studying Gods Word and with prayer. Leaning too hard on either side is never good.
In His love,
Stephanie
Actually, even though I believe firmly in spanking for disobedience, we too, very rarely spank our older children–my 13 year-old hasn’t had a spanking in several years…and is now very tender to God’s voice in her own heart and, like you said, is better guided by discussing areas of weakness.
The only thing I would disagree with Stephanie on is this:
“I have a hard time with parents using the words “I don’t want to spank you but God’s word tells me I have to” How is that going to instill a love for God in your children?”
The answer: the same way WE have a love for God even though we know that there are consequences for our sin, and that “God chastens those whom He loves”.
If we are not telling our children that their disobedience to us is disobedience to God, whose standard are they living by? Any other standard but the Word of God is the very thing that leads to legalism.
Another danger of the “free grace” mentality…being “afraid” of teaching our children about a biblical “fear of the Lord”.
The fear of the Lord is the very beginning of wisdom…why would we disobey God in this important element of parenting?
Kelly,
Love your point about the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.
As we search the scriptures, seek our husband’s guidance, and pray, our eyes can be opened as to the best way to train our children.
We should “fear the Lord”. What does fear mean? Respect, honor, reverence for His word, an honest desire/plea to honor Him.
Also, I’ve noticed, the more time we spend together (homeschooling, etc), the less spanking occurs, as you stated with your oldest child. It could be maturity, daily discussions/corrections,the Lord’s blessing, – it’s something really good!!
We don’t think it’s wrong to spank, it is sometimes necessary for disobedience.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement here. Blessings to you and your family. – Diana
Oh I absolutely agree that we need to teach our children to fear the Lord, but I am talking about the parent acting as though they are a victim of a cruel God, and that God is the “bad guy” and they are the “good guy” in an effort to stay within the good graces of their children. I have seen so many misconstrue this and it is counterproductive. That was my point. There are ways to teach our children to fear the Lord the proper way!
We must communicate to our children that disobedience to us is disobedience to God. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, but we need to teach fear in the context that it is meant to be taught. So often this does not happen, and children grow up resenting God instead of fearing Him. How do you communicate the fear of God to your children? Not by acting as though you are a victim and must punish your children because you “have to”, but that BECAUSE you love God and love them, you must be in obedience to His commands. Also by daily reading the Word to your children will instill the proper fear of the Lord to your children. I am certainly not afraid to teach my children this all important truth, because without it they risk trampling on the very blood Christ shed for them!
It seems that the comments are mostly about spanking, but that isn’t really what I walked away from this post thinking about. You are right about this movement and the turning away from certain parts of scripture. I have enjoyed reading this debate b/c it makes me think!
I was sharing some of this with my husband just now and he said, “HOW can someone say this is subtle?” Then he thought a minute and said, “Oh, I guess if you don’t really know scripture it could be subtle.” He’s right. To him it’s blaringly obvious that so much of this grace movement is against the word of God. But it’s not apparent to all. I like what you said about doubling our time in scripture. Jess at Making Home just wrote about this too and it’s really got met thinking about how we’ve been doing things around here!
Thanks for the time/effort you put into this blog!
Brenda,
What you said about the doctrine being contrary and yet subtle, because people don’t know the Word, is EXACTLY what I was thinking about last night.
When I said most of the teachings of this movement are true, I mean that a lot of what they SAY is true (we’re under grace), it’s what they are leaving out that makes it so deceiving.
Many false teachings of our day has taken that approach. A lot of Joel Osteen’s words are true, but boy the stuff he’s NOT teaching is really scary!
So, my ultimate thoughts of why it’s so important to KNOW the Word of God is for just that reason…unless we really know what it says, forwards and backwards, deception is easy to swallow.
Thanks Brenda!
What is this ‘grace movement?” Should I be looking out for something?