Warning: transparency ahead. I pray it’s not too much.
I had become more and more prone to self-pity, resulting in less joy, more frustration and a constant feeling of being overwhelmed.
Oh I wouldn’t have called it self-pity. But the reality was that consciously or unconsciously, I blamed them–my kids or my husband for the way I felt. I took things personally: things like little kids leaving their shoes out. Doing kid things. (But it was I who was acting like a kid.)
I found it harder and harder to enjoy my day, to be a mom, and instead just felt like every day was a battle to keep calm, to maintain order, and to make it to the end. That, friend, is a miserable place to be. I had lost my joy, my mission, my vision as a woman raising a generation for Him, focusing on “all I had to do”, or how hard my job was, instead of seeing things the way they are:
I’m a mother and this is my job–messes and squabbling included–precisely where, in fact, I find the ripened opportunity for discipleship. This is raising a family and I shouldn’t be surprised at the struggles. They are a normal part of life, no matter what you’re doing.
And there’s more….
Here, in this job with its daily ups and downs, is right where God can best mold me to become more like Him. And that is something in which I can take great delight and give thanks. That is a mercy to me!
Granted, we’ve had an excruciating year (or five) with one of our children, wringing our hands over what to do, hearts breaking because it isn’t turning out quite at all how we had it pictured. God is surely refining me through it, and the only thing I’ve learned so far, is that I MUST trust in His sovereignty or I might despair. Rejoicing in suffering takes on a whole new meaning when you’re really suffering, but there’s a comfort knowing God said we can and must count it all joy there.
And then the light bulb moment…
But I was reminded at our ladies’ meeting: “self-pity is a form of pride.” Pride, one of the seven deadly sins which is an abomination to the Lord, has been at the root of this struggle in my life.
I think perhaps Satan’s greatest weapon in a mother’s life is using self-pity to destroy the work of her hands. Self-pity erodes everything good about our work. When we are wallowing in our defeats, failures and inadequacies (often exaggerated in our own minds), we are powerless, weak women merely limping through life. We can’t GIVE life to our families because we are allowing the life to be sucked out of us.
Self-pity makes all our other problems loom larger than they are, robbing us of practical approaches to solving them because we lose our vision. We are literally stuck right here and lack even the desire to see beyond today.
The solution
- Repent. There’s a place to give ourselves grace, but when we’ve crossed over into pity, we’re in sin–the sin of self-focused pride. We must bring it to the Lord, confess it and begin to root it out.
2. Give thanks. Gratitude, I am convinced, is the antidote to self-pity. Nancy Leigh Demoss writes, in her book, Choosing Gratitude (I HIGHLY recommend it):
“Gratitude unleashes the freedom to live content in the moment, rather than being anxious about the future or regretting the past.”
3. Take your thoughts captive. I think this is so powerful. We live in a culture (and by nature) that uses feelings as a gauge for what is right and wrong, rather than the truth of what’s actually right and wrong. There are many times in life where we have to forget how we feel, and trust in the truth of God. If we are prone to despair, we must replace those feelings with the reality of God’s sovereignty over every aspect of life, then give thanks, even in the crucible, knowing that He is working out everything for our good. I can’t tell you how much this exercise has helped me through parenting a difficult child, even while my heart breaks.
I encourage you to find your strength. Do it on your knees, and then live it on your feet. No, you aren’t doing it all right. No one is. Yes, you make mistakes. Everyone does. We’re not given the task of being perfect. We’re given the task of fighting the good fight, and sometimes, there’s blood. Do not let the enemy of your soul get the upper hand. Immerse yourself in God’s Word, commit yourself to prayer, and believe that He will fight for you (Nehemiah 4:20).
Remember that we’re not just here to get through life. We’re here to glorify God and draw others to Him. You haven’t been called because you’re so great at being a mother and wife. You’ve been called because you are His beloved, righteous because of His work, and equipped to do what you’ve been given.
Bask in His mercy, give thanks for everything, and soldier on.
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