Kelly Crawford

After only a few short days, lots of tears, prayer and reading all the comments you precious ladies have taken the time to write, I felt it important to tell you about God’s tender mercies.

I had no idea when I came home that I would be in such need of processing Ellia’s birth; nor have I ever been this emotional (I think) after childbirth.  Let me say that even the processing itself has been a precious, unexpected time of growing in the Lord and watching His mystery unfold before me.

I have been able to better focus now on the many aspects of my experience, and to come to a complete peace about all the “surprises” and feelings of inadequacy.

And amazingly, lessons are beginning to unfold, little by little, small love-gifts from the Lord to accompany these roller-coaster days with a newborn.

Someone said that natural childbirth revealed a picture of our weakness as Christians; that we don’t always “get it right” or have our expectations fulfilled, and yet God is there, all the time, working out what is good and right according to His purposes.  I agree.

I have hugged my husband more…his tenderness being reciprocated back to me, the woman he stood beside and helplessly watched endure the most intense of suffering.  I am more in awe of him than I ever have been…to reflect back on his demonstration of the selfless love of Christ as he served me through labor.  Surely this is what love is.

I cherish a tenderness with my mother, I think, that is new, as she didn’t know how hard it could be to watch “her baby” suffer to such a degree.

My daughter embraces me every time she passes me in the house.  She says, “I never knew how good it would be to have you back home”.

And when I look at Ellia, I’m reminded of what it means to “present your bodies a living sacrifice”…the sacrifice of pain, both of pregnancy and delivery. The cleansing, if you will–the fresh calmness that comes after a storm.

I know better about the experience now.  I can’t say what I would choose again.  Not yet.  But it simply can’t go without saying that God has flooded me with a refreshed spirit; he has turned my sorrow to gladness, and has already begun to melt my fear into gratitude.

Interestingly enough, I just learned today, that when I originally looked up Ellia’s name meaning, we were going to spell it with one “l”.  That spelling meant “Jehovah is my God”.  But spelled with 2 “ll’s”, it is a short form of “Elliana” which means, “God has answered”.  And isn’t that fitting?  I cried out to Him all weekend, and indeed, He has answered.

You all were a part of that answering, and I will be forever grateful for these transforming days in my life.

Well, I experienced a natural childbirth for the first time after 7 medicated ones.  I had a number of reasons for choosing to go natural.

One is mainly that I just wanted to experience it.  Another is that it just seemed appealing from the testimonies of other women who had done it.  Part of me wanted to embrace the spiritual experience I heard it could be.  And partly–though I had never had any trouble from medicated births–I believe the evidence that intervention can potentially cause problems.

So I firmly planted my mind and heart and went forward.  I did a lot of mental preparation, praying and relaxation practice during my pregnancy, feeling really confident going into labor.

I expected this birth to be very fast.  My labor woke me at 3 am Tuesday morning and was on and off all day.  I was so depressed, thinking I could could go for days or weeks on that mentally torturing roller coaster.  But around 7 pm, contractions got stronger and steadily closer together.

Based on the fear of being told it’s likely I’d deliver quickly, we made the hour drive, hoping to have enough time to get settled and relaxed before delivery.  I was calm, focused and excited that the time had finally come.

No chance of that fast birth we expected.  They didn’t even officially admit us for a couple of hours because I was only at 2 cm when we got there.  The nurse said, “I’m not sure you’re in labor”…to which I replied, “WHAT??!!”  I knew what labor was and I knew I was in it 😉  She finally realized it too and admitted us.

My contractions increased in intensity but took a long time in between.  I walked which helped, but eventually I was too tired to continue walking.  I had to rest a lot which seemed to stall my progress.  I was getting really discouraged around 2 or 3 am when I was only about 6 cm, but having harder and harder contractions.  At times, there would be no *apparent* progress after laboring hard for more than an hour.

Long story short, it was tempting, at the suggestion of the nurse, to take a little pitocin to speed things up.  Especially as I watched my family grow weary with me.  It was almost a pressure to perform–like *I* was holding up progress, and I just wanted it to be over so everyone could get some rest.  This is where my husband would say, “Stop worrying about everyone else…let your body take it’s time”…isn’t he brilliant?

I wondered if they were thinking, “Why is it so important you go natural?  Why can’t you just take the meds and be done with it?”  Though no one ever hinted at such a thought…well maybe my Dad 😉 from whom I inherited my impatience.

Other than the length of the labor, I was not surprised at the experience….yet.

Around 9 am Wednesday morning, my doctor came in to check my progress.  He didn’t ask or tell me, but he broke my water while checking, so I knew things were about to pick up.

About 30 minutes later, I had two contractions that were “over the top”.  I kept waiting for that “irresistible urge to push” which was approaching, but not quite here yet.  However, I decided right then I wasn’t going to have another contraction like the last one.  I announced, “I’m pushing”.

But the doctor wasn’t there so they wanted me to wait.  “Sorry”, I said, “I’m pushing”. They scrambled around to get me ready, called the doctor, and were still telling me to wait.

At this point, the whole experience took an unexpected turn.  I don’t know if natural childbirth advocates have signed a “pact of secrecy” or what, but I was not prepared for the end.

Everything I thought I had read/heard about natural child birth indicated that the most painful part was getting through the contractions.  That the actual delivery came as sheer relief with some “pressure and a burning sensation” being the worst.

I had worked so hard on focusing and being controlled through all the contractions.  I really believe the Lord had given me grace to accomplish just that and the nurses testified to the “surprise” that I was so calm during contractions.  I fully expected I could maintain that level of control to the end, since, after all, the worst part was over.

The worst part was not over.  I lost control, I lost focus, and all my senses left me.  It was a blur.  The pain of delivery didn’t even compare to my hardest contractions.  (Am I breaking the pact, here?) The nurses and Aaron were trying to talk to me above my own voice and it was rather a mingled confusion as all I could think of was ending the pain.

The doctor was there by now and once the head was delivered, the pain peaked and then they told me to stop pushing.  I didn’t know the cord was wrapped around her neck too tightly to just slip it off as they normally would.  So at this point, I could just yell “GET IT OUT!”  I didn’t realize he had to clamp off the cord in two places and cut it before the delivery could continue.

My mother got up and left the room at this point.  She left crying and said she simply couldn’t endure it. She joined my Dad in the hall.

What little coherence I had left conceived this terrifying thought:  “I knew it!…I’m giving birth to a 15 lb. baby and it’s stuck.  I’ve got to stay like this until they do an emergency C-section!”

So the sheer panic of that thought gave me a super-charged pushing stamina and I finally delivered her.

But it wasn’t over…I had heard about the euphoria, the relief and rush that comes as soon as the baby is delivered.  But my experience was different.  I was still in agonizing pain (is this normal?)  and could not stop sobbing.  I was barely even aware when they placed Ellia on my chest.  I just cried and cried while Aaron held me.

The doctor, in fact, ordered pain meds through my IV the minute she was born.

It was completely unexpected and I’m still trying to sort through the process.  I’m glad I experienced it.  But honestly, the thoughts of doing it that way again are terrifying.

I wanted to be able to report that indeed, it was empowering, and I wouldn’t consider anything else, and I was converted to natural childbirth forever.  I want to share in that group of women who feel elated after childbirth.

But my honesty won’t let me.  I’m so in awe of those of you who have done this more than once.  I joked later that I couldn’t believe the population of the world didn’t die out before pain meds.  Maybe I’ll feel differently in a few weeks?  Months?  Someone told me I’d forget.  I don’t think so.

It is taking me some time to process the whole thing.  I feel sad that I’m so scared of it now.  I feel somewhat disappointed…not really in the experience, but more in myself, I guess.  I cried today thinking of it.   I feel almost like I’ve let the natural birthing community down because I can’t bring myself to share in the praises and elation of this natural experience.  I’m not opposed to pain…really.  I actually have quite a high tolerance.  I told my daughter before the birth..“Oh honey, they only yell and scream in the movies.”…Oops.

Nevertheless…God is good.  He gave me a beautiful, healthy daughter, and strength to bring her into the world.  It can be done.  His grace was sufficient and I give Him all glory and honor for this new, immortal gift of life.

Hi to all you sweet ladies!  I borrowed a laptop from the hospital and have relished reading your precious comments!  ..Don’t think I haven’t cherished every single one, and thanked my God as I read all the prayers and concerns that were lifted up for us.  It was one of the most trying events of my life and I was fully aware of the intercessions on our behalf.

(Our original “updates from Kathy” didn’t work out since the hospital’s system isn’t updated enough–but she did a great job communicating with Robin and I want to thank them both for their stamina and excitement in sharing this with us.  I’ll be putting together a video from Kathy’s pictures and filming a bit later to share.)

I’m still going to wait about the full story–don’t have long left with the computer loan, and the story must be told gently 😉

It was so good to see my children welcome their new sister…

I am so grateful for my family…my mom, dad, Bria and my dear friend Kathy (who was behind the camera) faithfully “labored” beside me through the long night.  It was tough on them too–physically and emotionally.  My father prayed and my mother cried her share of tears and I was blessed to be accompanied by her tenderness.

Let me just publically cheer for my husband…he was incredible.  He served me tirelessly for the 15 hours of labor at the hospital, warming my rice pack, standing in the gap for me when the nurse encouraged pitocin, praying over me, holding me and telling me all the things I needed to hear to endure what was a very difficult labor. God has given me such a gift in him.

And did I mention he was very protective of me too?  What kind of husband wouldn’t check out the safety of the birthing ball before he let his wife ride it?

God was so faithful to give me second-shift nurses who not only didn’t mind natural labor, they PREFERRED it and even taught natural child-birth classes.   What are the odds?  That’s why I don’t bet on odds, but rely on the Lord because “He doeth all things well”.  All my nurses were great; but I really anticipated that at best, I’d just get a nurse who “tolerated” our decision to go natural.  It makes a huge difference in a nurse who just lets you labor naturally but doesn’t really support it, and one who is actively encouraging you to stay the course!

By the way, I know there are those out there who are wondering, “what about the way you feel about working mothers?”  I’ll admit, this has always been one area that is hard for me.  I don’t know these ladies’ personal circumstances, and maybe I don’t have a good answer for the question now that so much medical care has been moved out of the home; but I know God did use them to bless me and I wanted my readers to know the apparent contradiction does not elude me…maybe more thoughts on it when I have more energy 😉

We were all shocked at how long the labor dragged on, especially since I started labor early Tuesday morning and didn’t even arrive until that night–during what we thought was active labor.  The contractions came hard, just too far apart for a long time.  Resisting the urge to “hurry it up” was difficult in the moment of exhaustion, but my husband was so strong for me and made the decisions that I was too tired to make.  I’m so thankful for that…intervention would have precipitated more intervention, and at the stage I was when we talked about it, it would have been more complicated than at an earlier stage.

Kudos to the hospital too…they really respected our wishes to be left alone during the night so we could rest; they were so sensitive and respectful of the things we requested, and they attentively cared for our every need.  (We go to a Catholic hospital and I think their respect for children and life makes a big difference in their care.)

Ellia Brynn

8 lbs. 7 oz.

I’ll post more details in a day or two;  for now, I’m glad to be holding Ellia Brynn (pronounced “EL–ee–yah” and resting and learning to walk normally again (yay!)…God is so good…His mercy endures forever.