As happens every time the public is shocked with news, a vicious manhunt begins for the reasons “why” or “how” this could happen.
It’s no different with the Josh Duggar scandal except for one thing: opponents of homeschooling or evangelical Christian values are using it to perpetuate their already-loathing of these groups of people. That’s to be expected, as illogical as it is.
But some Christians are wondering too, doubting even, if in fact, Duggar’s upbringing could have caused him to plunge headlong into porn addiction and ultimately adultery.
Many may be wringing their hands, second-guessing some of their own choices, wondering “what’s the point” if it seems like how we raise our children doesn’t really matter in the end.
We love to blame, and we desperately want to know “what happened” so we can avoid it happening in our family. But that’s a decoy that will only make it more dangerous for us. Until we are willing to understand the real cause of gross moral failure, we are not solving any problems. (Pssst. It’s sin. Every time.)
Some of the Duggar critics, including Christians, have said, “He was too sheltered and that made him like a kid in a candy store.” Some say the Duggars were “obsessed” with modesty and that piqued his curiosity to a destructive level. Some say since he wasn’t allowed to be in the “real world” or because he didn’t date recreationally, he was overwhelmed with its temptations.
I’m calling begging for logic and a careful attention to God’s Word as we think about this with our own children. It matters what you believe.
First, the obvious:
There were 37 million people outed by the Ashley Madison hack. Of those, I’m guessing very few were homeschooled or raised conservatively. If the reason Josh fell into sin was his “sheltered” upbringing, how do we explain the other 36,999,999 million?
A parent who is trying to help his child stay pure and avoid sexual immorality is not setting him up for failure. He is obeying God’s Word. I don’t find in the Bible, anywhere, a spirit of, “Don’t be too freaked out about sin because if you start getting crazy and treating it like you hate it or something, your kids won’t turn out right.” But that’s essentially a lot of what I’m hearing. The Bible actually says, “Avoid temptations”, “Do not love the world or anything in it”, “Flee from the appearance of evil.”
Our starting place must always be the Word of God, not our cultural assessment or opinion.
Ask the child whose parents allowed him free reign, exposed to pornography or allowed to call his own shots as a teenager, if that helped him avoid its temptations? There is no logic in that.
Parenting truth for Christians
Some basic understanding of biblical theology is in order here. Whether you are parents as strict as the Duggars or not, if you are a Christian, there are some basic truths you need to understand:
- Nothing you do will or can save your children. Only God’s mercy can.
- Point one doesn’t, in any way, absolve us from our responsibility to raise our children in righteousness and truth. How we do this will certainly vary from one family to the next, but we are obligated to be faithful to our duty, even though the outcome rests in God’s hands.
Along this point, I want to refer to a specific example, regarding the Duggars, compared to Scripture, that make void some of the criticisms.
It has been scoffed that the Duggars have taught their boys to look at their shoes if they come across a scantily clad woman in public, or a pornographic billboard, etc. Some assert that such a “prudish” approach actually tantalizes the senses and makes sexuality exciting.
I ask, what does the Bible say? Could it be that the Duggar’s practical rule sprang from a biblical principle? And if it’s not a perfect rule given by perfect parents (how could it be), could it be a very earnest attempt at following the principles of Scripture, and therefore, not a reason for his sin?
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 5:28
“Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22
“If you eye causes you to sin, pluck it out….” Matthew 18:9
And a whole bunch more about “fleeing” from the appearance of evil.
Given that adolescent boys (and girls) have hormones that are difficult to control, and since we live in a sensual world where there is no way to avoid encountering sexuality, how better can a father help his son, in a practical way, to avoid the sin of adultery in his heart, except by helping him avoid it with his eyes? This doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. No, it does NOT guarantee that a young man will abstain from lust. Refer to point 2. Our job is to do our part, obeying Scripture as clearly as we can, to instruct our children in the Lord.
If a parent has been faithful to try and help his children avoid immorality, but then he falls into sexual sin, we must put blame where it lies–the SIN. The same sin that resides in all our hearts if we are not consistently putting it to death. Nor can we throw up our hands and say, “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter how I raise my child, then.” It matters. God says so.
And a quick word here about another common point: a knee jerk reaction to failures like this in the homeschooling community, especially, causes us to realize that it’s true, “you can’t rely on a formula for raising godly children.” But it’s prudent for us to be careful about what we call “formula.” You probably take your children to church every Sunday. Could that be considered legalistic? Formulatic? Probably it could be or not. My husband and I have certain rules to safeguard our marriage. Is that because we are relying on a formula to ensure fidelity? No, but rather we are being wise, and attempting to safeguard what is precious. So while one family may rely on a particular practice for the wrong reasons, another may have the same practice with a pure motive of simply striving to do God’s will.
Parenting has two parts: our responsibility and God’s grace to save our children.
We fail when we:
1. abdicate our responsibility to lead our children to truth. This includes ALL the truth. The truth that there is as much sin within us as there is “out there” and that is precisely why we desperately need a Savior. Our dependence on a Savior then evokes a heart of obedience out of love. I believe the rules the Duggars established, though they may be stricter than mine or yours, were motivated out of a heart of love for the Lord. I believe it was their attempt to walk in obedience.
2. make rules for the purpose of saving our children or making them good. We can’t get it backwards. The only good any of us have is the spirit of Jesus Christ. Only the Gospel can save us and our children. We can’t wash the outside of the cup to make the inside clean. But as children of light (commanded to raise our children to follow Him) we walk as He is in the light. We obey because we love Him. We have rules because He gave them to us for our good.
If you, for example, homeschool because you think that is the key to raising godly children, you will be wildly disappointed. If you homeschool because you think you and your children are good and everyone else is bad, you are grossly deceived. But if you homeschool because you believe God has called you to disciple your children and you believe you need lots of time to do that, and because you want to help them avoid a peer culture that hinders them from walking with the wise (as Scripture encourages), if you entrust the souls of your children to the only One who can save them while doing your part to shepherd their hearts to love Him, then your motives are pure and right.
The summary of the whole matter?
The Duggars are not to blame. If anything, they appear to have been more faithful and deliberate than most parents I know, to point their children to Christ, to warn them of sin, to show them of their need of a Savior, and to help them avoid the temptations Scripture warns us about.
Sin is to blame.
Satan is roaming the earth, seeking whom he may devour. That includes us and our children. We are duty-bound to be faithful, to love the Lord, to teach our children, especially by example, how to walk in truth and to hate sin because God hates sin. We must be transparent with our own sins, always reminding our children of their desperate need of a Savior. We need to beg the Father for grace over the lives of our children and pray fervently for them–for their salvation and for their sanctification. And then, we entrust it all to the Lord. And we don’t blame ourselves (or other parents) for the sins of our children.
We must do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God.
NOTE ABOUT COMMENTS: Since this post, my site crashed and had to be restored and I lost this post. I copied it from the cached version and I am also copying the comments from that version, which is why the gravatar is the same on all of them. I apologize for that but wanted to explain. (It will likely take me a day or two to get all the comments copied over.)
59 comments
Fabulous article and one I will be sharing! The only point I would slightly (very slightly) disagree on is that the Duggars are not to blame, period. Ultimately, no, because adult children are responsible for their own choices. However, I don’t know if they did, said, or taught their son anything that could have contributed to his problems, mainly because we just don’t know everything about their family. We feel like they do, because they opened their lives to the world through TV, but we don’t. However, from everything I know of them, they seem to have been making good, biblical choices for the right reasons. Thanks for a great post!
Good points! I too have been thinking about the ridiculous logic that he committed these sins because his parents put safeguards in place to keep him from being exposed to temptation.
It could be ANYTHING! http://www.gordontraining.com has a more secular method of parenting….but same book of psalms and proverbs ideas incorporated to have that parental ‘listening ear.’ One can ‘hope’ that these give future men of the world to be gentlemen towards their beloved….
I do NOT consider behaviour like his to be out of sync with failed parenting if the man is over the age of twenty (biblically counted in bible laws)…hippee’s were raised by probably the kindest parents ever, religiously sound doctrines and more….yet they went off key….swingers came out of that era….and sadly so did ‘Jim Jones’
Failed parenting/schooling etc is for men under age twenty…. over age twenty each man is responsible to his own ‘moral’
I believe it is publicity like solomon….and then solomon picked up many wives as his heart was drawn into the world more and more. Larry King live (CNN HOST) had his issues…. he has a tv show and doesn’t make a big deal out of his issues….. the issue is that Josh Duggar WAS shown bible verses and he did not take the to heart….. route memorization doesn’t always get into heart until later….
I’ve worked in a nursing home, and among disabled people. These types of things to men whom we thought in our own minds were very good…… we should NOT give up just because wickedness can brew…. in ÃNY type of schooling, marriage or upbringing….
As always, spot on. Thank you.
Thank you so much for that very encouraging article. Thank you for the great reminders from God’s Word.
37,000,000 that is MORE than the state of IOWA, MN and more! more than the population of chicago! I think I have an idea where the evils are brewing in the usa…. It’s not at the swimming pool…. (I met a man who once worked as a lifeguard) who figured out the appropriate pictures and inappropriate pictures to take…. as a proffesor of ‘graphics art’ he conjured up enough courage to speak with modest mayhem…without being ‘dishonest’….about things… its not the solution of planned parenthood such that wife anna abort rather than have four children with ‘liar man.’
The problem is being outwardly religious….but not inwardly true. ….that is where the serpent does brew…. ‘love conquers a multitude of sins’…. this is where the more liberal churches have been correct…but still have yet to consider selflessness….
Excellent! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Beautifully written. Thank you for being obedient and saying what many have coward from. We can guide our children but they chose. I remember my choices bringing my mother to her knees. I am grateful for her prayers and my return. Now I pray for my children and attempt to show them the truth as well. Again, thank you.
I don’t think that they deserve blame, but I do think the situation does merit some examination. Specifically in the area of how they do courtship. I don’t believe that monitoring every conversation and outing etc is a good idea. I feel like that young people should have the opportunity to spend time with a future spouse to see if what they are away from watchful eyes matches up to what they are when chaperones and parents are around. Thoughts?
Beth–I think that question is most certainly open for discussion, and not necessarily “the right way.” (We took a non-recreational dating approach with our daughter, yet when she met her now-husband, they were allowed some alone time, affection, etc.)
BUT…I do not think a certain rule such as theirs is to blame for sexual dysfunction.
Agreed. Thanks for responding. This situation, along with a rapidly approaching teen years child has really sparked family conversations about this particular topic.
Yes. This. The very thoughts I can’t articulate so well. And my mother’s heart grieves for his mother and wife. We need to pray!
Claudia,
Oh doesn’t it though (a mother’s heart grive)…
A quick addition, in case you don’t catch it:
And a quick word here about another common point: a knee jerk reaction to failures like this in the homeschooling community, especially, causes us to realize that it’s true, “you can’t rely on a formula for raising godly children.” But it’s prudent for us to be careful about what we call “formula.” You probably take your children to church every Sunday. Could that be considered legalistic? Formulatic? Probably it could be or not. My husband and I have certain rules to safeguard our marriage. Is that because we are relying on a formula to ensure fidelity? No, but rather we are being wise, and attempting to safeguard what is precious. So while one family may rely on a particular practice for the wrong reasons, another may have the same practice with a pure motive of simply striving to do God’s will.
Yes, Kelly, I completely agree! When I speak of relying on methods, I am not saying to throw out the methods (homeschooling, Biblical child-training, teaching modesty, etc). I am referring to where my hope is placed. If my hope is in my methods, I am trusting in those things to save my children. This Duggar tragedy has further clarified the truth to my heart, that God alone can save my children! But, as you said, we must be faithful to raise our children according to Biblical standards, all the while putting our hope in the Lord.
How come it never occurs to anybody that is having your kids growing up in the public eye that makes these things happen? I’m not saying that’s the reason, but it’s another thing you’d think people might bring it up as a possibility, as long as they’re speculating. Maybe it is because we like our celebrities more than we like our Christians and homeschoolers. But hypocrites and simply weak believers (I won’t venture a guess as to which he is) exist regardless of their upbringing. Amy time bad things happen, people look for the thing that lets them believe it could never happen to them, because that’s not how they’re doing things.
This is so perfectly written. I really appreciate your thoughts on this!
Very well written. I’ve actually been sharing the same sentiment with my husband about our own children. We can only be obedient to the Word of God and leave the results to Him. We can get discouraged at times when our young adult children seem to be straying or just seeing God’s word a bit differently then we do. But we are only responsible for our obedience. They are responsible for theirs. And if they truly belong to God, He will bring them to where they need to be.
Thanks for posting.
While I think that it can help to be more balanced…not too oppressive, not too permissive…it is still ultimately the individual who is responsible for his/her own choices. Parents can try with all of their heart to teach their children about sin and consequences, and true love for others, but they cannot force them to lead a godly life or think only godly thoughts. Kids are not robots, but are young people…people who grow up and make some poor choices, just like every generation before them has. What Josh did was because of his own immoral desires, gross selfishness, and lack of true love and caring for his wife…not because of anything his parents did or did not do or say. And hopefully, he will some day come to true repentance.
I do believe that it was Josh’s own fault that he did the things he did, not his parents’. That said, I do believe that inviting the world into their home via “19 kids and counting” was a mistake, and it should have been thoughtfully considered before putting all of their children into a very public eye, before a very unforgiving world. I grieve for his wife, Anna, who seems to have done everything right and now surely has a broken heart.
Well said, Kelly! Very well said.
Well said Kelly.
Josh is a man NOT a boy. Only a weak person blames their upbringing for their adult choices. No matter how much you teach & direct your children, ultimately their salvation is their own choice. His parents are not to blame, because even if they were the worst parents in the world (which I know they aren’t), Josh is old enough & mature enough to make his own decisions.
I have seen too often well-raised children who grow up to make poor decisions as adults, conversely, many poorly raised children grow up to become strong Christian adults. We all need to be acutely aware that sin & temptation are prevalent in this world & the Devil is prowling like a roaring lion awaiting someone to devour (1Peter 5:8).
What we need to take out of this is that none of us are immune to falling into sin. We need to be daily keeping ourselves accountable for our thoughts & actions. We need to be searching our hearts & trying to root out those early sins that so easily allow us to fall into further sins.
I personally think the victim in this whole debacle is poor Anna. She is currently travelling one of the most difficult roads a wife could ever be asked to travel. My heart goes out to her. We need to keep her (and the whole Duggar family, including Josh) in our prayers.
Netty–
“Only a weak person blames their upbringing for their adult choices.” Such an important statement.
As my oldest son moved out and made some choices (not necessarily sinful, but definitely unwise) my parents attributed some of his poor decisions to our parenting. Usually my mom is a great source of encouragement to me. However, she had some real concerns that we had not let him have enough freedom while under our roof. One of the main issues was the way he handled finances. While I am married to a Dave Ramsey like man, my son was completely opposite in handling money. He would spend every penny on fast food and entertainment so we started requiring an accounting of his finances. He was 17 and we were concerned that he was going down a dangerous road. Short version…he moved out at 18 and completely ran out of money 2x. I still don’t think he has learned anything. So, I blamed myself. But, I am starting to really get it…he is making his own choices. We taught him Biblical principles, I can trust God to take it from here :).
Excellent!
From a logical standpoint, the Duggers made sure Josh received counseling as a youth, regarding his violations. After that, he is an adult. His parents taught and counseled him as a youth. HE is responsible for his actions as an adult. HE is a grown man!
Kelly, Thanks so much for this post. Any thoughts on explaining all of this to younger children? Mine have always enjoyed watching the Duggars on netflix and reading their books. But now I am at a loss how to gently explain all of this to them. You always have such wise words and I know you have littles too. Thank you. Josie
Josie,
With our younger ones, we have just used language like, “sin, unfaithfulness, etc.” without going into the details of Ashley Madison, etc. You can insert “sin” wherever you need to, without detailing the sin, if you don’t feel comfortable with that. It is tricky, though, I’ll admit.
Hi Kelly,
You’ve made some very good thoughts into a very well written article. I always enjoy reading! My husband and I have had few discussions regarding this tragedy and can’t help but continually go back to the public nature of this news. Namely that this truly would be much less devastating to the family if the Duggars had chosen not to make their family a public spectacle. I am making a logical distinction and not an overt judgement, so hear me out.
I like the Duggars. They are a great example in many ways of a diligent and godly family. Many things they do are similar to things we like to do and speak about in our home. I acknowledge and agree with you that Josh is 100% responsible and culpable for his actions in this and many other actions he’s taken. Only a simple minded person would really try and blame parents alone for a grown persons actions. But you and I both know that the complicated nature of raising a child from birth to adulthood can produce many mistakes, uncountable reasons for our flesh to wonder and question what in fact shaped lines of thought and ultimately paths that grown ones take. To say that you had nothing to do with your lovely adult daughter who recently wed would be an atrocity to all of us who care for you so. Likewise, the opposite in the negative has to be true as well. These things are never to be used as a source of pride nor disappointment because we know that only God gives us strength to both rise to walk in righteousness and ordains our mistakes and sins. He has to, otherwise we are left in despair and downcastness. My point: one facet that has utterly made this news so disgustingly painful for us to watch and hear is the fact that it is not our business. ( Gasp!!!) the Duggars have publicly ruined their children’s lives, namely Josh and poor poor sweet Anna, by bring their sweet and lovely and imperfect family into the homes of America. Granted, I trust and know that God has done far more good to many families and homes because of their witness and testimonies, than the harm that this story will do, as some may fear. But I beg for a voice to state this fact and let’s all be reasonable here to admit that 99% of us would most heartily decline TLC to come in and raid our homes from week to week. At least out modesty should make it uncomfortable at least.
Is this an unreasonable declaration??
Warmly, your cyber friend
Paige,
No, not unreasonable. You make some important and valid points. I’m sure the Duggars are seeing much more clearly with hindsight, and quite possibly regret their decision to open their homes to such scrutiny. But I also think they believed, at the time, that being asked to share to their lives was an opportunity from the Lord, and of course they couldn’t imagine what would unfold. Even the original sin Josh partook of, they thought had been handled and resolved, and totally in the past.
So, was it right or wrong? Only the Lord can say. I’m with you though…”No thank you, TLC.”
In regards to the thought that the Duggars never should have been on TLC, I think we are seeing God’s sovereignty in action. If Josh Duggar was not “famous” he would not have been a target to be outed in this Ashley Madison scandal. He could have continued on in his sin without being found out. It may turn out that his celebrity won’t matter, I’ve read that many scammers are looking to extort and blackmail the AM users, but for now, his sin has been found out. That’s a blessing.
Would he have a chance at repentance and restoration if his sin had not been found out?
I remember reading in one of the Duggar’s books that they one pray that they often prayed for their children was that their sin would be found out. If a child was struggling with an area of sin, that it would be brought to light. Their prayers were answered.
Their celebrity makes dealing with the consequences of this sin so much more painful than it would be if no one knew who they were. But, how much more painful would it have been if Josh continued on in adultery for decades?
I’m not saying this as someone who would ever want to be on reality TV, the thought actually makes my stomach churn. The Duggar’s have said many times over that they felt they were clearly called to do this by God, it wasn’t something that they just did on a whim.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Rom. 8:28
What makes me really mad is that his actions feed into the stereotype that ALL family-values types are complete hypocrites and closet degenerates (just like “all” Catholic priests are drunk pedophiles and “all” Christian fundamentalist leaders are secret philanderers, homosexuals, and scam artists). This country is run on the efforts of hard-working, sacrificing Christians…behind the scenes and without looking for glory.
I don’t know much about the Duggars other than that they have a lot of children, but from what I’ve read lately, they’ve done everything they could to raise righteous, responsible children–the blame hear lies squarely on Josh Duggar.
p.s.
and as you state, Kelly: 35 million registered cheaters on Ashley Madison….and all of them are fundamentalist, modestly-raised, homeshool graduates?????? Oy.
Finally, someone with a brain wrote an accurate response about this. May i also add that the bible says the devil goes after the first born. That is just what happened here.
Our oldest daughter recently married (to an immature, lazy, alcoholic boy), and is now expecting a baby. They never have any money and live off of the welfare of others, but always have beer, cigarettes, and chewing tobacco. My in-laws think I am horrible because I will not give her money, a place to live, etc., but we tried to help her out in the past, only to have her (figuratively) spit in our faces. I have heard rumors perpetrated by her and a couple of her friends (one that was my friend while growing up) we abused her, neglected her, etc. And her husband tried to physically attack us one day while he was drunk while screaming all sorts of vile things at us. I have cried plenty of tears over her, and over the fact that I obviously failed her as a mama. But the more I see and hear, the more I am convinced that she is responsible for her own actions. We raised her the same as her brothers and sisters, and they are watching what she does, and 3 of the 4 still at home are bound and determined not to make her mistakes. The other one seems to worship the ground she walks on. There has never been abuse or neglect in our home. My other kids have also heard the rumors, and we have talked about it, and none of them feel they have been abused. My daughter’s husband also accused us of abandoning her, and I guess maybe we did. After she moved out of our house, she moved into a relative’s house, free of rent. Her only rent was supposed to be keeping the house and yard clean, otherwise, she would have to find a new place to live. She did not uphold her end of the bargain, so was given the choice to either move back home, or leave. She left, and lived in her truck for a few weeks, then told her friend (who is my old friend’s daughter) that we had kicked her out on the streets. They let her stay with them, then finally locked her out of their house. All this to say that sometimes it doesn’t matter how a person is raised, they will just go off and do what they want, no matter how much it will hurt themselves or those who love them.
Lynne,
I am so, so sorry for this painful trial in your life. May God’s mercy preserve you.
Excellent post!!
The whole family need sincere PRAYERS. This would be horrible to face.
God works in even this really tragic situation. He redeems our broken ness. Praying, as I believe Josh is now truly repentant. And for Anna (his wife).
Psm. 94:14-15
For years I have been saying the Perfect Parent raised His kids in a perfect environment and they sinned. James tells us that we sin when we are dragged away by our own desires and enticed…..Not when our parents failed us or we didn’t have enough protection or enough liberty. And like you said, that does NOT give us an excuse to not obey Him in raising our children. He asks us to obey. Not produce results. The “harvest” is in His hands…..
Thank you for a such a great article
Love that analogy, Monique.
This article misses a very important point. Christian parenting isn’t about discovering the safest and best way to keep our children from sinning. It’s about falling upon our knees in acknowledgement of the fact that ourselves and our children are going to sin and that we need a Holy and perfect God. It’s about embracing the hope of future grace and thanking Him daily for His mercies. Not about obsessing over and striving to be perfectionistic. It is little wonder that few Christians experience joy.
Sam–“Misses an important point?” Apparently, you didn’t even read the article. The whole point of it was to say that we need to be on our knees and acknowledging to our children that because we are sinners we need a Savior.
Thank you, Kelly. ((hug)) Your insights minister to me more than you know.
I’ve watched several marriages fall apart in the wake of adultery. What very few seem to acknowledge until it’s too late is that adultery rarely happens when the marriage is happy to start with. I am NOT blaming the jilted spouse here. I am pointing out that adultery generally happens afterror the guilty party fails to seek a constructive solution to existing marital dissatisfaction. The source of dissatisfaction may well lie with both spouses or even with the one who is betrayed–that depends on the couple–it my even be that the spouses chose badly when they married each other. Whatever the problem, my assumption is that Mr. Duggar’s indiscretions are rooted in a dissatisfaction of some kind in his marriage and that his first misstep was failing to recognize or refusing to seek resolution for that problem. It is very, very human to avoid problems, and a sign of wisdom to tackle them.
That may be true in many cases, but Josh Duggar already had sexual sin in his past (molesting his sisters) coming into the marriage. Surely everyone in his life thought it was truly in the past after he sought forgiveness and restoration and that he had overcome these desires. Perhaps they were even hoping that early marriage to Anna would help as then he would have a way to honorably fulfill those desires. But had he truly repented? The Bible says that “if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation…the old has gone and the new has combined.” I’m not judging Josh’s personal salvation here, but the fruit in Josh Duggars life looked good on the outside, but inside was rotten. Would a true follower of Christ, one who has been transformed by the saving grace of our Lord continsuchdown such a self-destructive path? By all accounts, Anna was a loving wife. She was not shy about showing him affection in front of the cameras, so I imagine she was also affectionate in private. Anna is a victim in this situation and needs our prayers and support, not our speculation that somehow she wasn’t doing her part to protect her marriage.
*come (not combined! Darn spell check!)
What The Lord does through you with your words is a beautiful thing to witness. Well done.
Kelly,
I so appreciate you.
And all of us appreciate you so much more so! <3
I just want to throw this out there…BEFORE either scandal, Duggar defenders would point out that J&M were good parents because they were known by their “fruit”- i.e their children were good. Or Matthew 7:16.
So now the ” fruit” doesn’t matter?
While it’s likely some may have gotten this wrong, Matthew 7:16 refers to fruit in one’s own life, not the lives of their children. An adult child’s actions are not the “fruit” of a parent’s life. Fruit, in that passage, refers to visible signs that a person is regenerate.
That actually makes sense. Thanks.
This was very well said and written.
Free will is always part of the equation. Everyone has to account to God for they personally did. Very nice article.
I needed to read this. Thank you for putting clarity in my mind where satan would have it muddied with doubts.
Dear Lynne,
I feel your pain. My eldest child 16yo daughter moved out several months ago in the middle of the night without saying goodbye only leaving an upset note. I had tried the months prior (and years) to be her friend. I did not agree with women in the workforce and I was probably not to self-controlled in expressing my displeasure at her wanting a job (I had attempted to help her with a home based opportunity.) Our family is not perfect but we desperately love all 12 of our children. Her boyfriend who is 24 is putting all the blame only on me. Not my husband or anyone else…just me. So I feel I am finally coming out the other side less hurt more forgiving but not sure how to communicate with her. I tried and the boyfriend lost it at me and threatened family services. She has not even seen her 3 month old baby brother. I sooo miss her. My husband doesn’t want me to talk to her. I don’t know what to do…I’m not at peace with that. Yes it does make you feel like it’s all in vain when they reject their upbringing. She still goes to church…not a conservative one…but church none the less. I pray the Lord’s will be done in this situation. Lynne I’ll be praying for you, your family and your daughter that the Lord’s will be done and you will feel the love of God and peace.
I’ve examined the situation over and over in my own mind (what mother of sons wouldn’t?!). I can’t blame Jim Bob and Michelle for Josh’s sin. One, he’s a grown man. Two, no parent ever gets everything perfect. They try, very conscientiously and very hard, to do what they believe is right in the sight of God. That’s all you can ask a parent to do. Three, I’ve seen the same thing happen in much smaller, much less conservative families (in the case of the family I’m thinking of, their solution to their oldest son’s rape of his younger siblings, both male and female, was outright denial– eventually, God put an end to it with the oldest son’s death at 17).
If I can say that the Duggars made any mistake that might have contributed to the situation, it was apparently teaching their children that a man’s sexual urges are virtually uncontrollable. I’m confident that they meant well, but it’s easy for me to see how that could lead a man to abdicate responsibility for his sexual behavior.
The difference between “uncontrollable urges” and “extremely difficult to control” amounts to semantic hairsplitting. I think it’s an important hair to split in the raising of children in general (and perhaps in the sexual education of boys in particular). But it’s a difficult lesson to see, one that is not commonly taught in ANY circles, secular or religious. Especially to a parent doing it for the first time, I can see how it could seem like, well, hairsplitting. At the end of the day, I can’t place blame on them for not doing it– we’re all living and learning, none of us are perfect, and I’m sure that somewhere I will discover an equally important hair that I failed to split with my children.
And please, with all the people out there who are all too happy to place blame (possibly in an effort to comfort themselves that it could never happen to their family), PLEASE keep Jim Bob, Michelle, Anna, and the children in your prayers.
The LAST thing those people need to endure is more finger-pointing and blame. I’m perfectly certain that they’re already beating themselves up MORE than enough.
this is spot on and wish I read it earlier so I had a better response to those attacking the duggar parenting. what about the millions of other child molesters? they weren’t all raised like the duggars. which just goes to show it crosses all parenting methods and backgrounds.