And here, Chesterton makes a profoundly important point, almost completely lost in our society, to our detriment. Oh where are the voices who will keep proclaiming the infinitely important work to do at home that cannot be done by another?
“Babies need not to be taught a trade, but to be introduced to a world. To put the matter shortly, woman is generally shut up in a house with a human being at the time when he asks all the questions that there are, and some that there aren’t. It would be odd if she retained any of the narrowness of a specialist. Now if anyone says that this duty of general enlightenment (even when freed from modern rules and hours, and exercised more spontaneously by a more protected person) is in itself too exacting and oppressive, I can understand the view. I can only answer that our race has thought it worth while to cast this burden on women in order to keep common-sense in the world. But when people begin to talk about this domestic duty as not merely difficult but trivial and dreary, I simply give up the question. For I cannot with the utmost energy of imagination conceive what they mean. When domesticity, for instance, is called drudgery, all the difficulty arises from a double meaning in the word. If drudgery only means dreadfully hard work, I admit the woman drudges in the home, as a man might drudge at the Cathedral of Amiens or drudge behind a gun at Trafalgar. But if it means that the hard work is more heavy because it is trifling, colorless and of small import to the soul, then as I say, I give it up; I do not know what the words mean. To be Queen Elizabeth within a definite area, deciding sales, banquets, labors and holidays; to be Whiteley within a certain area, providing toys, boots, sheets, cakes. and books, to be Aristotle within a certain area, teaching morals, manners, theology, and hygiene; I can understand how this might exhaust the mind, but I cannot imagine how it could narrow it. How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness.” -G.K. Chesterton
23 comments
If you keep proclaiming it, be prepared for a TON of backlash. When I teach women to be keepers at home and their immense importance there, the fury of many is very sad.
Trouble is, motherhood can FEEL like it is trivial and small(and did G.K. Chesterton ever have to do it for a time?) Especially as the family has become less of an economic unit and more of a crash pad for whooped biological relatives. Often, mothers who stay home in suburbia spend their whole day simply dressing/feeding/interacting with their child(ren), and doing housework day in and day out. There is no more farm life where “mother’s” butter and bread were known to be a certain quality(and paid for accordingly) There is no more opportunity for “mother” to engage in chickens/egg, or weaving or other cottage industry–it feels like there is nothing to aspire to in the wider world from the basis of the home. Perhaps a few have found a way to make an extra buck by doing a bit of this and that (more often through the internet, which relies less on HER skill than paid advertising). I understand this. Most of the skills I have are solitary skills. They are skills that don’t need many or any others to do. I sew/quilt, I cook/bake, I’m trained as a potter, I’m also trained as a painter/artist. I don’t need my children around me to do those things. In fact it’s easier if they aren’t. I AM home with my little ones all day and have struggled with depression for most of that time. I’m not saying that what a woman does at home isn’t important. It is. But also, the stay at home wife/mother is different today than in the past, when her input and work was much more necessary and direct(hubby milks the cows, wife turns the gallons of milk into butter/cheese; hubby harvests the grain, wife grinds the grain and makes it into bread; hubby sheers the sheep, wife spins it into thread and yarn, dyes it and knits/weaves the families clothing etc). Life isn’t done that way anymore for most Americans. Unfortunately, nothing better has come along to fill that gap.
Laura,
It is true that today’s home is quite different, for many reasons, than yesterday’s home. However, the import is just the same. Most of what Chesterton is discussing here is not about making butter or homemaking skills. He’s talking about pouring one’s life into the next generation. In my estimation, the view of a woman at home is low because we are focused primarily on domestic duty. That is only a fraction of what she does. When a woman can ever grasp the effect she is having on her children, she views her work much differently and with a fervor that few others can muster in their employments.
Laura–I would also encourage you to seek medical advice if you believe you are struggling with clinical depression. That is nothing you should ignore.
I get frustrated sometimes with what feels like hypocrisy. I often hear men of a certain type (worldview), who go on and on about the important work of women in the home–how important it is for her to know about all aspects of homemaking for the good of her household. Yet, often, when the wives of those men are either sick or otherwise unable to be there at that moment, suddenly the work isn’t important–it’s not important enough for the husband to do when the wife can’t… How often do you hear of husbands feeding the children mac and cheese and pbj for days on end? or the laundry piling up, or the bathroom getting disgusting… etc. If the work really is important, then the men who believe this should put their effort where their mouth is and step up to the plate and do a good job when occasion requires it… (i’m not talking about so wife can get her nails done or go out to lunch, but when she REALLY needs it).
I don’t know that I’d call that hypocrisy, anymore than I believe my husband’s work is extremely important but wouldn’t know where to start if I had to fill his shoes. We can tout the importance of something without filling that position ourselves, especially if it isn’t ours to fill. Now if a husband refuses to help his wife in need (or any other time, for that matter), then he’s got deeper issues than hypocrisy. But to expect him to perform as deftly as she does in a moment’s notice, with a job that isn’t his, is unfair.
I can sing the praises of all types of jobs, roles and people (think overseas missionaries, George Mueller, Mother Teresa), recognizing the profound importance of their work, without having any experience (or even desire if I’m not called) to walk in their shoes.
Oh, this was so encouraging!
[…] CLICK HERE! Share this:TwitterFacebookEmailPinterestLike this:Like Loading… […]
This homemaking is the most important work in the world. Sadly, few believe it so in our day in history, but the truth remains. There is no replacement for the value of a lady committed singularly and purposefully to her home and the dear lives that are contained therein.
A wonderful article that I shall share with praise to my wife and encouragement to my daughters.
Thanks Kelly.
I knew there was a reason I was hearing this tiny whisper of a call back online so soon after I’d stepped away…
“How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone?”
Love that! Perfect vision renewal. Thank you for sharing that quote, Kelly.
Thank you for this encouraging post. I have been reading your blog for about 4 years now and it has been instrumental in encouraging me and strengthening my vision of what God’s plan is for and through our family.
I do have a question for you and/or other mamas with older children now: What did this soul-shaping, generation-impacting, God-glorifying work practically look like in your home during the first few years??
I ask because I have 3 little ones ages 4 and under, and I STRUGGLE to understand the importance of the role NOW. I get the “big picture” and that in the end, the work of a mother is of no “small import to the soul”. What I don’t get is how I can have an impact TODAY on the soul of my children, an impact with lasting eternal value, when they can’t yet brush their own teeth, much less understand the concepts needed to teach. I’ve tried to draw out answers to my questions from mature Christ-like women in my life, but to be honest I often get a sweet smile and response such as, “Oh don’t rush it. Just enjoy these younger years, they pass by so quickly”. Is that what it comes down to? During these younger years am I just biding my time and keeping them alive until they’re older and then I can “tell them about the universe”? Maybe that really is the way it is. It’s just hard for me to accept with my personality type 😉 Or is there something that I can be doing now at their tender ages that have an impact beyond filling their tummies for a few hours and keeping their bottoms clean? And what does that look like? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to trivialize the importance of caring for their physical needs, but to do more than “survive” my day I need to feel like my work stretches beyond the physical and it’s really hard to see that at this particular stage of mothering.
Sarah,
There’s no doubt that the little years can feel like LOTS of work with very little fruit. BUT…it is the very formative years where the character is formed, lessons are most indelibly learned, and impressions are greatest. THIS is your great work. It’s a mystery, because you can’t really see it, or feel it. But these early years are so much more impressionable than all the years afterward. Seize each day and rejoice in the moments to glorify God and teach your children to do the same.
Sarah,
Those are great questions! As an older mom, with children ages 7 to 24, my children aren’t as young anymore as yours are now. 😉
My encouragement to you is to ignore what I just said about the ages of my children compared to yours. 😀
What I really mean is that it can be so easy for us parents to think in terms of ages and stages, and feel like some stages are so long, or difficult, or whatever, but mostly that they are distinct from other stages.
However, a child’s life, in my opinion, is better viewed as a seamless tapestry that flows from one day to the next. Today melts into tomorrow. They are changing, growing, becoming who God has created them to be while they go through the rhythm of their days, weeks, months, years. The changes are imperceptible most of the time, to them and to us, but they are happening nonetheless.
What do we do during the early years? We give them opportunities to make memories as they live in the day-to-day.
Many of my own childhood memories are of being outside. Reading books in my favorite tree. (I was a bit older than four years old, though. 😉 ) Eating watermelon outside on a stone bench under a different tree, then throwing the rinds up in the air, competing against my siblings about who could toss them the highest — and singing a made-up ditty, “Watermelon rinds come out of nowhere” as they came back down. 🙂 Jumping into big piles of leaves we had raked, or off of tall snowbanks after a big snowstorm. (Obviously, that one doesn’t apply everywhere.) 🙂
Children are naturals at living the simple life, if we let them, and the simple life, the spontaneous life, can and does make some powerful, long-lasting memories.
Take the children outside and let them see the universe God created. Stand outside after it’s dark and look at the sky on a clear night. Lift up a rock and shine a flashlight where it was to see what creature might be there. Look around the same area in the daytime and see if you find anything different.
Ask them questions. “What do you think we might see on our nature walk today?” “Why do you suppose that mama bird is a different color than the daddy bird?” Etc.
And let them ask questions, too. 😉 It is very easy to get so busy with what we adults think are important at the moment that we leave no room to ponder answers with our inquisitive children. Sometimes, it is true, we can’t be interrupted, and it is good for children to learn limits, that they must wait patiently now and then. But it is important to not squelch our children’s natural curiosity about their world with frequent, “No, we don’t have time for that” responses.
Those are a few random ideas from off the top of my head. 😉 Taking time to explore God’s creation together, or simply being together with no particular agenda sometimes, showing delight in the opportunity to be in your child(ren)’s presence demonstrates your love for your children and your gratitude towards God for the gift that they are. What they will remember most is the closeness of loving family relationships, if not every specific activity you do with them, and they will likely want to duplicate that in their own families some day.
And that most certainly has lasting impact and eternal value.
I am encouraged by what sounds like a very teachable heart on your part, Sarah! Blessings to you and your family. 🙂
That’s a good word, Mrs. C.
Oh my goodness Sarah! It doesn’t look like anything is happening in the moment, but you will sooo see the fruits in just a few short years. They will reflect like little mirrors the way you are treating them now. Your calmness and gentleness when things are stressful, your smile and cheerfulness when accidents happen, your patience, taking the time to work with them when they are still so very clumsy and distracted at the smallest tasks. All these things (that if you are human require a lot of effort on your part) are absorbed by their little souls and do have eternal value that as they see Christ in you they will be more drawn to him. Of course its a huge task for us as parents, but we must have something to strive for too, right?
So encouraging Kelly and just what I needed. I agree with the first comment, I just shared this on a local FB group for young mums and that’s exactly the response. A woman was having huge difficulty with bedtime because she works nights; sometimes not getting home till 3am when her little 4 yo son will go to bed too. She expects her husband to put him to bed and make sure he stays there, so he can be ready for Kindy the next day. Currently he gets there at midday and the centre staff are upset because he misses all the “educational stuff.” So this little boy (who obviously needs his mummy) is getting into trouble because if he did as he was told he would basically not see his mother until weekends; how sad. She is having him assessed to see “what’s wrong with him; why is he so clingy?” So she has asked “what’s she supposed to do quit work and stay home and sit on the couch and do nothing all day?” I made a suggestion that she look for ways to come home and give up her work because obviously he needed her and that there was nothing wrong with him. Boy did I cop it. I said feminism has ruined family life. Then it was on for young and old. Definitely not a popular opinion now. Keep on fighting the good fight Kelly. In Christian love,
Hayley xx
Here’s the deal – it is lonely! We have our own water supply (no bumping into fellow moms when we go to the city well or riverside to collect water to wash the dishes or do the laundry). We have super markets with everything we need (only one chance per week to bump into someone, instead of at the meat market, the bakery, etc). We have pre-ground flour (and even if we choose to grind it ourselves, chances are we didn’t talk to anyone in the field where it was harvested). We don’t have helpers in our fields, we don’t have maids doing laundry (most of us) – our modern world is wonderfully convenient and therefore…terribly lonely for the stay-at-home person. Our Creator God built us for relationship and I firmly believe that it’s not EVERY woman’s/mom’s place is in the home. It is not only a blessing to the soul to be able to share our talents with other adults, but it is necessary for relationship. Sometimes it feels like this blog (and others like it) belittle the mom who’s talent is not in baking and laundry. Don’t you think it might be okay to use the gift of math to be a CPA, then use that paycheck to buy clothes more frequently because the clothes get discolored in the laundry 🙂 Or to use the gift of leadership to manage an office or, gosh, lead a company? To be able to spread God’s spiritual light just by being present among other adults, then use that paycheck to buy pre-baked goods for her family, her kid’ school, etc. I realize this is not the blog to share ideas about working outside the home…but maybe it is… I don’t think somebody is ‘depressed’ per se, just because home is lonely for them, I think maybe their God-given, yes God-given gifts are not fulfilled in the business of our all-too-convenient modern day homes. Why would the God of all the universe create men and women with so many different gifts, then relegate all young mothers to have the same gift of modern-day homemaking. Some of you have it – Kelly for sure. What a beautiful thing – homemaking works for her and her husband. But, let’s face it, all husbands have different gifts and by golly, so do wives – we are all uniquely created. If you’re at home and lonely, you’re not alone. Very few women have the spiritual gift that gives them fulfillment at home. For them, Kelly’s blog and assertions are poignant and reassuring. For the rest of us, being at home, stifling spiritual gifts because we think that’s what Titus 2 tells us…. it is lonely and unfulfilling and we can even feel cheated because we really have to struggle to put on the perma-grin and pretend we’re living the blessed life. For some of you, this will sound like blasphemy – I accept that. I am at peace and I pray that this comment reaches another lonely soul and gives her hope. Biblical women did not have the conveniences we have today and their days were filled with interaction with people (at the well, in the fields, at the different markets, etc – and sure, there were out-lying women who were alone and my guess is, they were as lonely as a lot us stay at home moms).
K,
You make some important points and certainly excellent thoughts for discussion. At the same time, some of the thinking reflected in your comment is responsible for some really drastic results on the family.
I want to offer some counter thoughts:
You describe a loss of community due to modern conveniences. It’s true, and tragic, that we have lost our sense of community. But I would suggest that women heading to the workforce, creating a community there (and they do) leaves their real community–starting with their family then branching outward, with little connection at all. The result? The woman wins. She gets what she wants/needs (community, connection, feeling valued) but she has to sacrifice much of her first community to get it and those people suffer greatly. There are so many lonely people and no one left to visit or minister to them because they’re too busy with their work community.
Solution? Build a community that still enables her to care for her family first, (a job that is hers whether she feels lonely or fulfilled or not). Reach out to friends and neighbors. Serve. Start a Bible Study. Or just a group. Meet up with friends. Better yet, have families over and build your community together. I’ve been a part of this kind of community for years and it makes all the difference.
Can she use her gifts to make money? Absolutely! I’ve always encouraged that. The biblical caveat is this: her other job cannot supplant her first one of caring for her family and home. I like the way Nanacy Leigh DeMoss has described a Proverbs 31 woman, who informs our understanding of our role.
She says that while the Bible doesn’t say it is a sin to work outside the home, it IS clear that she is commanded to take care of her responsibilities at home before anything else. And when we admit the extent of those responsibilities, we also must admit that a full time job away from home virtually renders us incapable of doing our first job. Essentially, we can’t hold down 2 full time jobs and do them correctly. Our job at home and our commitment to family must come first if we want to fulfill Scripture’s directives.
Which is why home business is such a great option. It is flexible and it is not placing one’s self under the schedule and command of another company with another agenda. (And I don’t mean just a job that can be done from home. Rather, a job that you and your husband have control over.) It allows a woman to contribute to her family, help her husband and keep a check on her time, adjusting where necessary. Or I know some women who have had to work part time but the flexibility really enables them to keep on top of their job at home.
You said some do not have the “gift” of homemaking. The Bible doesn’t speak of only “gifted” women keeping their homes. It’s a subtle nuance of feminist thinking which could potentially relieve us all. “Whew! I don’t have the gift, so I’m not obligated.” Homemaking is simply a necessary part of a much bigger job. We keep a home/make a home but God intended that to be so much more than cooking and cleaning, though those are real parts of it. But to raise children, provide meals and create a home in a thousand ways isn’t relegated to the “gifted”, if there is even such a thing. We can’t shirk responsibility that way any more that I can justify being unfaithful to my husband because I’m just not “cut out for monogamy.” (Yes, I’ve heard that argument.)
I also want to address a dangerous undertone which “sounds” acceptable and right, but can really be a dangerous presupposition.
You mentioned women who don’t “have the spiritual gift that gives them fulfillment at home.” Fulfillment isn’t our goal. Fulfillment CAN come, however, when our main desire is to serve the Lord and we realize that pouring into the next generation is a job beyond earthly value. There is too much talk of “fulfillment” among Christian women. If our aim is to seek first the Kingdom and glorify the Lord and surrender ourselves fully to Him, then He may ask us to “take up a cross (grotesque instrument of death) and deny ourselves. And they may mean losing some sense of “fulfillment.”
Or it may mean that when we get to the place where we are willing to lose our lives, that He gives us fulfillment, no matter what we are doing.
It was the “fulfillment” mentality that started the feminist movement, told women they were being devalued by staying at home and that they could something more worthwhile elsewhere. That mentality completely changed the landscape of home, families and marriages. So while many women sought fulfillment, they left their jobs to day care workers or hired hands and ironically, if they are honest (and sometimes they are), they are no more fulfilled.
My encouragement is that you won’t have to put on a fake grin if you’ll understand the joy that can accompany a life that is lived for others, instead of self-fulfillment. And then watch, and be surprised, how God can use your gifts and abilities in ways you never dreamed of once you surrender your own rights.
Aww, Kelly – I cherish your heart – thank you for sharing so much of it and for being so vulnerable. I personally define my “home” as my community, not just my house (and I think that is how it was in the first century as well – Phoebe, Priscilla, let us not forgot Deborah from the OT). I do host and lead and follow church small groups. I do teach in Sunday School and even at homeschool co-ops. I do work part time out of the home. And I do love your thought of working to create a community that enables moms to make a living while putting family first. But that is not our CURRENT society and so I venture out beyond my house, overcoming my fears; fears of the world consuming my kids, or me. I live in FULL TRUST of God and the opportunities he blesses my family with; opportunities to be His hands and feet wherever he leads me. I am free to hear Him and follow Him in all corners of this world He put me in, not just from my house.
I do get your point about fulfillment, even as I typed it I thought you would key in on that. Thank you for clarifying – I like what you said, especially “…it may mean that when we get to the place where we are willing to lose our lives, that He gives us fulfillment, no matter what we are doing…” And that furthers my point – how will some of us get to that ‘place’ if our choice of ‘places’ is limited by our houses? God is where our refuge is found – we cannot stay in our houses if our hearts, while earnestly following His promptings, are being drawn beyond the house. Each of us was created for something unique – why limit that? And Chesterton does draw a sweet pictures with his words, “How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone?” How wonderfully encouraging to those women whose spiritual promptings lead her to her house, especially in a society that does not give the role of stay-at-home-mom much credence. Those moms trust God to fill the voids that they and their house cannot (i.e., character growth in a house where the character is not often challenged [there is no peer pressure to stand up to or name-calling to overcome] – it’s one of the blessings and downfalls of homeschooling) However, for the moms whose spiritual promptings are outside of her house, let them rest assured that God also fills the voids that they and their job cannot. A women’s place can be in the home/house, but it is ultimately where God puts her.
I digress – God created a diverse universe – why would he relegate ALL moms to the role of homemaker….I mean literal house-maker. Our ‘homes’ are much bigger than we sometimes want to allow, but God is bigger than we can ever imagine. I choose to trust HIM and believe, as always, that through prayer HE will fill the voids that I create [on a daily basis] – no matter where I am ☺
K,
You use a lot of language that is familiar in the Christian/feminist circles that muddies up the discussion from a theological standpoint and emotional one as well. For example, you use the term “spiritual promptings that lead women” in opposition to “staying in our houses.” Two things you’ve done here: one, you’ve elevated our “promptings” which can also be defined as “feelings or what we feel in our hearts” (used often to side step around directives of Scripture) above God’s Word where He specifically points a woman toward home and the responsibility to care for her family, which is a full time job. Secondly, you keep using the term “stay in her house”, meant to be subtly derogatory, the same tactic of the secular feminist. A woman’s calling to her family is far larger than a “house.” Using that term specifically stirs up discontentment in the heart of a woman.
To speak of “where I’m led” and “promptings” and “God is so big and can lead me anywhere” is only OK where it does not depart from God’s Word. I’ve been clear that a woman is free to do much, to use her gifts, and even to work another job, and yes, to leave the house, all interrelated to her season of life. But where the “leading” takes her away from giving herself to the needs of her family first (emotional, physical and spiritual), which is clear from Scripture, she is in error.
Another “tactic” I see (sorry to speak so candidly but I think it’s so important that if we have these discussions to be soundly biblical and avoid using terms that purposely stir the emotions) is using phrases like, “so I venture out beyond my house, overcoming my fears; fears of the world consuming my kids, or me.” You are inadvertently asserting that those of us who believe God has called women to be full time at home are fearful. Which is ludicrous. I fear one thing: the Lord. As in, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” and “Blessed are those who fear the Lord.” It’s a derogatory remark, much like many that have fueled disdain for the role of women at home.
Choosing to “trust Him and believe” doesn’t negate my desire to obey Him. In fact, it’s that very stance that allows me peace and freedom as I serve Him here. And I do believe, of course, that we are free to minister anywhere; I just don’t believe that freedom dictates that we leave our duties of home and family to do it. God’s Word is honored, not blasphemed, (Titus 2) when we follow it. (I know your interpretation of that Scripture is different from mine, but I haven’t been convinced it is correct.)
Freedom, YES! It’s ours. But our responsibility to our family comes first. Period. Scripture is abundantly clear. Not my fulfillment, not my gifts, not my happiness, not even my freedom can trump what I have been given to do.
I should say a word about different seasons. I believe women are more or less free to “venture out” according to seasons of life where demands of the family are different. Those are areas of freedom husbands and wives can decide on. I’m not intending to split hairs about when a woman can work outside the home, if ever, etc.
The original intent of the post was to say that a woman, devoted to her husband, children and home is to be celebrated. But I think you have found, like secular feminists, that it’s difficult to have it both ways. I hear your subtle tearing down of the role. It seems impossible to extol both places. And to clarify, as I haven’t in a while, I’m not for making women who really feel they must work, feel like less. I’m for finding ways for them to be FREED to fulfill their role to their families without the double burden. But we lie to women to say that “every option under the sun is equally valid and will yield the same results.” We need to be saying that a family who has a full-time, devoted mom and wife generally fares better than if they don’t, without feeling ashamed or being thrown under the bus. That’s good for society. That’s why the Bible celebrated it.
And for the record, I am for STRONG women. For women having a voice, both in the home, at church, in society. I do not hold the ideology of mealy-mouthed women who have nothing to do but laundry and have no voice but “yes sir.” Regardless of what I’ve been accused of. Felt like I needed to stick that out there. 😉
Your passion will remain an inspiration, but on many points, our paths diverge.
Thank you. And I agree, we diverge.
Well-stated (and Biblical) arguments, Kelly.