“Keeping my home is only partly about cleaning, cooking and managing the affairs here. It is foremost about keeping in the sense of guarding. And what more important to guard than the united front that is my husband and me?”
C.S. Lewis said, “We need to be reminded more than instructed.” Truer words could not be spoken.
The “elder ladies” in our church hosted a marriage seminar Saturday. It was a much-needed breath of fresh air, both convicting on many levels, and inspiring to the point of action. It may take several posts for me to pass along the encouragement.
(Disclaimer: these are not posts about “whether or not a Christian woman should submit to her husband” or “whether the Bible teaches differences in roles for husbands and wives”. If you’re interested in that debate, I’m sure there are other places for that. My time is limited, and while debate about some issues is a part of this blog, I’ve searched the opposition to its end, and still hold the Bible as my authority and maintain that is speaks clearly and absolutely regarding marriage. I will guard our time here and try to prevent fruitless debate with those who have a different worldview regarding marriage. Also, posts like these inevitably lean toward the “what ifs” and hypotheticals of marriage. These posts are for Christian women who are in non-abusive marriages who wish to follow God’s design for a more fruitful and rewarding relationship.)
So I came away, though everything we heard we had heard before, with a freshness of purpose. Isn’s it funny how the same information can still be so enlightening again and again?
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We want happy marriages (though the goal is not happiness)…check.
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We know God speaks on the subject…check.
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We faithfully live in accordance with that word…not so much!
The beginning point continues to be, for me, that I must make my marriage a priority. If you happen to live with a loving, easy-going husband like mine, it’s easy to let marriage slip down the list of priorities.
But what a dangerous place for us to put our most important, earthly relationship! So my very first slap-in-the-forehead moment at the seminar was this:
Keeping my home is only partly about cleaning, cooking and managing the affairs here. It is foremost about keeping in the sense of guarding. And what more important to guard than the united front that is my husband and me?
If you can picture a family like a house. I like to think of the foundation as the worldview of the family. A Christian couple should have a biblical foundation. All inside the house is treasured and sacred. It is the fundamental starting place for the advancement of the Kingdom. But the door…ah, that most important part. The door is the marriage. The security of the entire house depends on the sturdiness and security of that door. When the door is neglected, begins to deteriorate, the entire house stands to be ravaged.
Do I consider my marriage worthy of fierce protection? And do I prioritize it so that I’m doing my part to guard it? Or do I trust in a false sense of invincibility?
I have to raise my hand at this point and say, “guilty”. I have often let other things demand more of my time and attention and I am committing anew to change that.
Marriage is the lifeblood that flows from my personal life to family, community, church and culture. It’s seems too obvious, but I don’t think we are believing and communicating how important this relationship is! My marriage, in large part, sets the precedence for my children’s marriages. And all our marriages comprise the picture of the gospel. It is the relationship through which God chose to depict His love for us and our response to Him.
The way we love our spouses tells the world how we love our Lord….ouch.
“We are the Body of which the Lord is Head,
Called to obey Him, now risen from the dead;
He wills us be a family,
Diverse yet truly one:
O let us give our gifts to God,
And so shall his work on earth be done.”
37 comments
Kelly, this was absolutely lovely – so true! Our marriages must be a priority. People are always going on and on about protecting traditional marriage, but how much time do we spend building a fortress around our own marriages? Isn’t that, as you said, a central meaning of being a keeper/guardian of the home? Absolutely!
What struck me immediately as I was reading was when you said, “And what more important to guard than the united front that is my husband and me?” Immediately a passage of Scripture came to mind, and I wanted to share it as an extension of the theme of your post.
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?…in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
(Romans 8:35-39, omissions for space indicated by …)
The Church is the bride of Christ. What gets between the Church and her Husband? Nothing. More accurately, no created thing (God, Who is uncreated, of course may come between us and our spouse if He so desires, though it would be an unusual thing indeed).
But what do we allow to come between us and our spouses? Our jobs? Our housework? Our finances? Our own parents? (Leave and cleave.) Our children?
Yes, I affirm unequivocally that children are absolutely a blessing, absolutely a gift from God, absolutely one of God’s rewards for His people. However, allowing your children to divide you from your spouse is wrong, wrong, wrong, but I have seen so many marriages over the years that have suffered from this difficulty.
Present a united front to everyone, from the neighbors to the church members and even to those whose very existence proceeds from that marriage. Make your spouse the first priority, even above your children. Your marriage will be stronger, your children will be happier (or at least more secure), and God will be glorified as your marriage models more closely the love Christ has for His people.
Excellent and timely post, Kelly! Thank you sincerely for the food for thought and the challenge to work to strengthen my already strong marriage in every word and deed, taking every thought captive, that God might be glorified!
WHAT a powerful image that is… thank you! I’ll be passing this on to my pastor, he’s doing a series on marriage, families and roles, and I think he will love this.
Just what I needed to hear. It’s been a particularly bad day today, complete with me tearing down my lovely husband in front of the kids because I didn’t like the way he’d disciplined them. I feel like a failure. But thanks for the timely encouragement.
Great post and image of what the marriage is (the house)! I was actually talking to my daughter about guarding marriage on the way into Lowe’s today! But my focus was almost entirely on the outside sources that can damage or ruin a marriage. I, conveniently, forgot the part of how I treat my great hubby as a possible source of damage. I needed to be reminded of that as last night I “yelled” (we really don’t yell) at him for using my bath towel after begging/harassing/nagging/threatening/joking him out of him not to for 11 years. I felt pretty justified in it too…until now. Thanks a lot! No, really…thanks very much.
My husband and I have been talking a lot about the importance of a united front as our children get older. We’ve always been happy and relatively carefree in the worldly sense – nothing wrong with that, I don’t think, but we recognized we weren’t locked onto each other in a way that would serve should a tragedy befall our home or one if our kids decided to act out the prodigal role in some form or fashion. It’s not a matter of love when those things put asunder a marriage – it’s not knowing how to stop the snowball sometimes.
With God and His word as the focus, we’ve adopted two new habits that have already improved our confidence in our relationship IN SPITE OF outside circumstances (we didn’t even realize we were lacking confidence, but when you gain some, it’s like getting a $10k raise – it makes all the difference). I heard from Dave Ramsey, I think, about an annual “tune-up” with a marriage counselor/pastor/other qualified Christian person, just like you have everything else you value checked and serviced once a year. Your teeth, your hvac, etc. It’s not a paid gripe session with a referee, more like a wheel alignment, if that makes sense. The degree of repair will vary, but addressing whatever issues might exist sooner rather than later always lessens the damage.(You can email me if you want to know about our experience through my name above). Another idea – and it’s just that, an idea, hardly a prescription though it has made a positive difference for us – came from Rabbi Shmuley, who is not a Christian but married with a million kids – he and his wife guard their bedroom like a fortress. No one in or out but them, no tv or radio or computer. They even close and lock the door when company is over (no coats on the bed or kids in there watching tv). We never allowed our children to enter w/o knocking, but we pretty much had an open door policy and they were in there all the time. It sounds weird maybe, but when we assigned our room the importance of matrimonial sanctuary (and think tank and war room 🙂 ) it was like we reasserted our marriage as what unified our family. I realize that won’t sit well with some of the co-sleeping/family bed enthusiasts, but I’ve never found in the Bible where I’m to let my children sleep in my bed, especially to the detriment of my marriage. It’s called the “marriage bed” for a reason.
Terrific post, Kelly – I think so many people are having a hard time of it lately, and I don’t think we’ll know the full impact it’s going to have on families for a long while. We think the unemployment rate is scary, but I shudder to think of what the divorce and suicide rates are going to look like as these difficulties play out. So sad.
cottage child,
So funny that you should mention the “sacrament of the bedroom”. As I was thinking about some of the things discussed at the seminar, a friend had talked about the importance of creating a beautiful bedroom. But I was thinking a step further, along the lines you mentioned. Our children play and mess up our bedroom frequently, and it can be a source of irritation if I’m getting ready to go somewhere and 3 little ones are under me going through my bathroom drawers.
I was thinking that it seemed a little radical to set it off-limits, but it may just be the right thing for us to do. So, you’ve pushed my thoughts a little further in that direction…good points.
Great food for thought. I wholeheartedly agree that our relationship with our husbands ought to be on the forefront of our thoughts – but it is so stinkin hard when we wake up with a mental list of hundred and one things to do. I could use some practical tips on how to honor my hubby for sure.
Great reminders, Kelly! I do agree with Candace, though. With 7 kiddos, homeschooling, cooking, cleaning (although they do most of it), and just general all-around organization it is pretty hard to focus on hubby. I don’t want us to have the children grown and out of the house and just sit there staring at each other like we’re strangers. Ideas and suggestions (other than, well…you know!) would be wonderful!! 😉
You know, I was just thinking and many practical ways of serving the hubs don’t really take that much time. Offering a cold glass of water, putting his favorite meal in the meal plan, and just responding in a kind manner go a long way towards building a strong united front. Just these “small” things really do affect relationships and how our children view our relationships. Duh, I know all these things, but like you said – we just need reminders.
Candace,
Now your thinking, girl 😉 I do plan on talking about some practical things, but as you said, when you just shift your mind in that direction, it can be so simple. For example…we all drink water except my husband who LOVES his sweet tea. It’s not on my radar because I don’t drink it. But it speaks volumes to him when I remember to have it (especially if he’s been drinking water all day at work), and it speaks volumes if I don’t 🙁
One more thing regading “not enough time” that is directed at ME, not anyone else…as I mentally offered that reason another of those universal truths came crashing through: “I make time for what is important.” Haven’t missed a meal lately…well maybe one or two, but you get the point.
So true, Kelly – we make time for what is important! Is our marriage important? Is it second in our lives only to God Himself? Wow.
Regarding making the bedroom a sanctuary, we also don’t routinely allow anyone into our bedroom. This includes guests or family, even very close family. It is just off-limits; people aren’t allowed in to use the bathroom, to put their coats down, or anything like that. We do have a spare bedroom, so we use that instead for coat-putting. If people raise their eyebrows, we just tell them that’s where the magic happens, LOL.
I have not yet been able to carry a child to term, so we do not have little feet wanting to run in and out, but even if we did, I think the bedroom door would have a lock on it, and we would be the only ones allowed in (with the possible exception of brand new babies in a bassinet or something). My own parents did not allow their kids into their bedroom, and I think it was one of the keys to their enjoyment of their marriage and especially having a successful private life, if you get my meaning.
I know it sounds odd, because I am anything but prudish, but it would make me blush to know what had happened the night before on the same bed where my grandma was laying her coat or where my kids were playing. Our bedroom is a place for US to relax, to retreat, to make love, to sleep…not anyone else.
I mean, it’s different for every couple, but I really do think that for couples with many children who perhaps have difficulty drawing boundaries and putting their marriage before their kids, the marital bedroom just might be a good place to begin.
Wow. What a revelation! I have never thought of my role as keeper-of-the-home in respect to guarding. But your are right! There is so much to guard, especially our marriages! Though I have so much more to say, as you have really made me think… I am going to go cuddle with my husband and be reminded how precious he is and how sacred the covenant of marriage is! Thanks for the encouragement and exhortation, Kelly! 🙂
Carol Lee,
I failed to specifically tie it into this post, but in Titus 2, one of the meanings for the greek word “oikouros” translated “keeper” is “guard”. Brings a whole new meaning to the term “housekeeper”, huh?
I’ve thought of that often…guarding on so many levels, but it makes so much sense that the marriage is to be paramount in our guarding efforts–go cuddle away!
Hmmm.never thought about bedroom as off limits. For us, it is not something that needs to happen. But if God is leading you to do that, you had better! My husband thinks I am the best wife in the world when I greet him at the door with a cold martini on a hot summer evening when he comes home from work. Well that, and a great nightgown… (that goes to Carmen heehee) But if I make any food at all, I am #1. I cook almost every night, so I am in! The way to HIS heart really is his tummy! LOL I think the key is to think like they think. What blesses them is not (normally) what blesses us, but we must be a blessing as they are to us.
I think my biggest problem is assuming that we always have a perfect marriage. Obviously I wear rose-colored glasses sometimes! Our family is together all day, every day and at times I incorrectly associate that with “quality time”. Making sure Michael and I talk about deep theological issues daily is the key for us. This is where we connect on a level no one else can meet us at. When we go days with chatter about the kids, projects, blogs… tensions begin to rise.
Of course, knowing this and doing it can be hard for me when I get bogged down with mommy duties and let that control my attitude.
“I was thinking that it seemed a little radical to set it off-limits”….me, too! I was surprised at the effect it’s had. Our kids haven’t really said anything, I suspect it’s more of an attitude adjustment on our part when it comes down to it. It probably isn’t for everyone, but I would recommend it as an option for couples looking for ideas that promote defining their marriage within the nuclear family structure. It’s not going to hurt anything if it doesn’t work and it’s free! Love that!
I agree that having the bedroom off-limits is not something everyone should do or is called to do. We all have different things in our marriage we need to work on. I was simply suggesting that if a couple is having a hard time with putting their spouse before their children, the demarcation of that space as “spouses only” might be beneficial to some. As the cottage child put it, couples who are having problems “defining their marriage within the nuclear family structure.” The marital relationship, while important to the whole family, is also its own separate entity, deserving of its own special respect and priority level.
As for blessing our spouses, I agree that the things Kelly L. listed are good ideas. Every husband is different, though. My husband is positively neutral about what I wear, and since he’s a teetotaler, he’d have a heart attack if I tried to give him a martini. 🙂 But he sure does love a good homemade meal, which I try to provide on a pretty regular basis.
The biggest thing we need to remember about blessing our husbands is that each husband is different. Don’t be afraid to ask your men what would bless them, ladies! It might be a backrub, dinner on the table, making love, or even a theological discussion (certainly discussing theology blesses both my husband and me and increases our spiritual connection, as Autumn noted is also the case in her marriage).
What great insights, ladies!
Great post and thoughts from commenters!!! so good to think on these things and put ideas into action! It is hard to remember to make time for investing in the most important relationship in the family!(next to Christ of course) one thing that has struck me recently is how “not fun” i can be sometimes. my energy can be so focused on doing the next thing that i have to stop and think…”when was I fun recently?” LOL Thanks for the inspiration ladies! Blessings, jen in al
My husband and I have had the discussion of keeping kids out of our room before. I love the idea, he not so much. He likes everyone to pile into our bed to read a book or watch a movie before bed. He says he doesn’t get to cuddle with them all day so he likes this time. I on the other hand am the last one into the bed because I am the one letting in the dogs and locking up the house, etc. I get just a small sliver of space on a corner and that’s it. Not my idea of fun. At this point in our life it is something my husband loves, so I let it be. Maybe as they get older I can have my room back 🙂
I forgot to add that my husband and I do make time for each other and have a great marriage. I just wish I could add the bedroom in the evening to my list of things for just him and I.
I had to check myself just this morning on my attitude. My husband asked me to make him a lunch because he will be snowplowing for the next 12 hours or so. I was about to grumble (doesn’t he know I’m in the middle of doing school with the kids). I choose not to and put a smile on my face and made the lunch. (The kids like the break too!) Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.
Rachel,
Yay! Isn’t it just about “taking every thought captive?”
Good timing on this post for me too. I was not so nice to my husband this morning and I tried to blame it on not feeling well, but that’s really no excuse.
My husband also likes for us all to pile in bed at night for cuddle time and most the time I like it, but sometimes I don’t.
I like to relax when I get in bed and it’s hard to relax when you know you’ve got to get up in a bit to herd little ones out.
Wonderful post Kelly… and I would just like to reinforce the idea that no marriage is invulnerable. To think one’s marriage is somehow exempt from trouble heartbreak or even divorce is pride which is sin which allows an entry for the enemy.
I hope this isn’t to long of a comment but very timely and wonderful post. Just pondering these thoughts over the weekend having watched again my favorite Shakespeare play; Taming of the Shrew. Best monologue for women EVER is that of KATHARINA
Fie, fie! unknit that threatening unkind brow,
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes,
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor:
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,
Confounds thy fame as whirlwinds shake fair buds,
And in no sense is meet or amiable.
A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,
Muddy, ill-seeming, thick, bereft of beauty;
And while it is so, none so dry or thirsty
Will deign to sip or touch one drop of it.
Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?
Come, come, you froward and unable worms!
My mind hath been as big as one of yours,
My heart as great, my reason haply more,
To bandy word for word and frown for frown;
But now I see our lances are but straws,
Our strength as weak, our weakness past compare,
That seeming to be most which we indeed least are.
Then vail your stomachs, for it is no boot,
And place your hands below your husband’s foot:
In token of which duty, if he please,
My hand is ready; may it do him ease.
MML,
Perfect! I am embarrassed to say that I used to teach Shakespeare and had forgotten this speech! One of the last lines…”And place your hands below your husband’s foot” set the stage perfectly for what I had in mind to post next. Thanks for sharing!
You’re so right, Diane! I think that Satan likes to try to trick us into thinking our marriages are safe so that we won’t be watchful, won’t guard them so closely. But we should refuse to allow it, and we should always be on guard!
“Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith…” ~1 Peter 5:8-9a
I love the analogy of the marriage being the front door. I had never really thought of it that way. My husband and I have always been firm about our relationship being above all other relationship except with The Lord of course:) We have even explained that to our children on more then one occasion. It often comes up when we are leaving for a date. We are able to tell them that us going out without them is one way that we keep our marriage strong. Thank you for helping me to have another way to explain it to them.
“We never allowed our children to enter w/o knocking, but we pretty much had an open door policy and they were in there all the time. It sounds weird maybe, but when we assigned our room the importance of matrimonial sanctuary (and think tank and war room ) it was like we reasserted our marriage as what unified our family. I realize that won’t sit well with some of the co-sleeping/family bed enthusiasts, but I’ve never found in the Bible where I’m to let my children sleep in my bed, especially to the detriment of my marriage. It’s called the “marriage bed” for a reason”
Oh, I think you’re more than justified. I recall a rabbi once on a show giving marriage advice, and one of the things he said was “your bedroom should be like Fort Knox.”
MML, thank you for that excerpt!
“And dart not scornful glances from those eyes,
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor:
It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads”
Oh that is so true.
If one is to ever “watch” those who are being scornful to their husbands (sometimes you can’t help but notice and especially in mainstream culture).. it IS ugly. I don’t want my “beauty” to be blotted out in the eyes of my husband or my children (yes, they will see).
I want to guard my marriage against those ugly things that might creep in. Barr the door!
[…] on an earlier post, a reader left the monologue by Katharina from “Taming of the Shrew” whose closing […]
What church do you attend, Kelly?
Christi,
It is a family-integrated, reformed Presbyterian church. Not the kind at all I grew up in, but one whose philosophy and practices much better assist our family’s vision and purpose.
Love this post Kelly. Very encouraging.
We just recieved news of a couple in my family that filed divorce papers this week. 🙁 It scares the junk out of me! I just don’t understand where it goes wrong. I would rather die than lose my husband and my family! Divorce isn’t “just” a husband and wife seperating, but a family torn apart!
Look forward to reading your more recent posts on this subject. 🙂
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