I’ve been quiet here for a while about hot topics (mostly because my hot topic is running my household/home business and keeping all these people fed and happy).

But because I think this is such a crucial issue and I know many Christian parents are grasping at straws about how to navigate through these murky waters with their children, I felt compelled to address one of the most controversial issues on the planet.

We are living in a time where anything goes, humans are their own gods, and if you disagree with pretty much anything a person wants to do (except maybe murder and child abuse) you are ousted as the bad guy, the hater, the ignorant and unenlightened.

We have kid drag queens being applauded for lewd performances and the LGBTQ agenda being pushed very hard in the public school system to normalize almost every kind of sexual perversion that exists. (Yes, pedophilia is right behind.) Transgender athletes robbing victories in sports and feminists scratching their heads over what to do because they said “we’re equal.”

What seems extreme to us in these kinds of examples is quickly becoming norm. Should it? And how should Christians respond? We already have the reputation of being “hateful” toward these alternate lifestyles, so how do we rightly share our faith, help our children see truth, and communicate to a broken world that there is hope and joy and freedom?

There is a movie called “Audacity” that I encourage you all to begin with. It’s a simple yet compelling explanation of how Christians must think about these issues. In a nutshell, and what I’ve always said, our faith is marked by one word: LOVE. And while it seems contrary to the world to say that our loving God is also a just God who WILL, in the end, bring judgement and death to those who have rejected salvation, we must understand how hateful it is to tell a perishing world that they’re OK, just so we can be popular and not suffer the wrath of those who insist in being their own gods.

Why Even Some Churches Have Compromised the Truth

Many churches are even affirming the lifestyle of homosexuality/transgenderism based on a couple of presuppositions.

First, they believe that if a person is born a certain way (and we do believe most homosexuals are born with a tendency to same-sex attraction) then they simply can’t be expected to change that disposition and God would not expect them to.

The problem with that theory is that we are all born predisposed to certain sins. Some fight adultery, fornication and most all of us fight idolatry, anger, lying and gossip. To be predisposed to sin is not a license to act upon it. We (believers) are all in the business of being called to die to ourselves daily, whatever our temptations to sin may be. When our temptations are starved rather than fed, we find ourselves gravitating to what is right.

Secondly, there is a strong effort to dig into the original Greek meanings of the references that modern translations make to “homosexuality” and argue that the Bible doesn’t actually condemn it. Also, that just because the Old Testament refers to homosexuality as an abomination, so does it refer to eating bacon as the same. How hypocritical to call one a sin and not the other?

A clear understanding of Scripture reveals that the Old Testament contained natural, moral laws which are eternal (Jesus even ramped them up in the New Testament) and disciplinary, civil/dietary laws which were done away with under the New Covenant. It’s that simple and not a point of contention for the one who understands Scripture.

Thirdly, they maintain that since the great commandment is “loving your neighbor as yourself” it would follow that we are to accept their lifestyle because that’s how we would want to be treated. Ironically, it’s the opposite of love. It’s hate. Because the Bible promises that one day, we will all stand before the judgement seat of God to give an answer for how we have lived–not that any of us have lived perfectly, but whether we put our trust in a Savior, longing to die more and more to sin and become more like Him. And since the Bible does clearly condemn sin, those who have not repented, turned away from their lifestyle of sin, and trusted in Christ as their Savior, will tragically be condemned to eternal punishment.

As much as some people hate that idea, the reality is that those same people were created by the same God that made the promise. Regardless of what someone wants to believe, this is a reality impossible to escape. And given that fact, the only loving thing we can do is continue to proclaim His truth and love and forgiveness until He returns.

So How to Teach Our Children?

We must start with a good understanding, ourselves, of the arguments that will be thrown at us, a few of which I addressed briefly above. We must be able to give an answer for our hope–intelligently, and lovingly upholding the truth of God’s Word. We must teach our children compassion. A person struggling with homosexuality could be deeply hurting, not wanting to stand out or be inclined to a lifestyle that will bring him or her shame or embarrassment. But our response as Christians is not to “remove the stigma,” it’s to bring hope of forgiveness and yes, the very real option of change through the transforming power of Jesus Christ.

And like the link I just place in the sentence above, I have not found, hands down, a better resource for encouragement and hope than the testimony of Rosaria Butterfield, and her conversion from a lesbian, feminist activist, to a converted believer in Jesus. I have watched so many of her videos. You want a powerful understanding of the nature of the homosexual community and how to reach the lost? Look her videos up. Namely, this one, a trailer for her new book about hospitality–what God used, through a wise, loving pastor, to change her life.

We can’t sit this one out. And it’s not about us. It’s about our responsibility to bring hope and life to a dying and lost world. I pray you’ll look into the resources above–no matter what your thoughts at this point. And let’s teach our children to truly love their neighbor. Enough even, to speak the truth.

One of the most difficult things about being married to a narcissist who is abusive (and no, I am not), is finding people who will not only listen to your plight, but understand it. And sadly, even if you find those people, they may not always know what to do to help.

Is is my hope and prayer that church leaders and counselors begin to be educated about how to help people who find themselves in these emotionally abusive situations. When they do not, so much damage can be done.

(As a side note: I’m so grateful for my church who understands this better than some, and is currently sustaining one of our members and her children who have left an abusive marriage. Some churches do get it.)

Should we use the word?

There is quite a controversy among Christians about even using the term “narcissist.” The reason is that Christians generally believe that all dysfunction and sin can be addressed from a biblical viewpoint, and to use a term like narcissism is to embrace a worldly philosophy that chalks it up as a disorder (thereby dismissing the root of sin).

My belief is that sin is certainly at the root of narcissism (more particularly, utter depravity) and any form of abuse. However, without the term we have a cloudy understanding of this particular set of behaviors which undermines our approach to helping.

Why a normal approach to counseling doesn’t work.

When a counselor attempts to address a couple in this situation with typical (good) marriage counsel, what happens is that the normal spouse hears, determines to work on his part and the narcissistic spouse only hears what the normal spouse is supposed to do and focuses in on that. So it might sound like this once they get home: “Didn’t you hear the counselor? He said your job was to submit to me and until you do that it’s obvious nothing’s going to change.” He successfully tuned out his own laundry list of things he is to be working to improve.

It is crucial to understand that the narcissist simply does not function like a normal human being. He is incapable of seeing his faults, much less owning them (unless it serves him, for a time to be able to manipulate). So a normal approach to counseling will not be effective. Even if he pretends to go along with it, care must be given to spot manipulation and lying.

Additionally, if a counselor doesn’t understand the depth and skill with which a narcissist is capable of manipulating, he will be easily taken in by it, leaving the other spouse possibly feeling ganged up on. The problem has now been compounded.

The Bible does address narcissism, using the term “fool” or “scoffer.” But because of so much research and resources available in the study of narcissism which helps us to comprehend its nature in depth and detail, I think counselors do their counselled a grave disservice when they refuse to acknowledge and tap into those resources. The bottom line is that if you don’t have a solid, deep understanding of the specifics of narcissism (even if you don’t believe in the word itself) you will likely only exacerbate the problem when it comes to you.

The abuser is not a Christian, regardless of claiming to be.

“Wow. That’s a pretty bold statement.” You might say. But it’s not really, if you believe Scripture. It is not a person’s verbal claim that makes him a Christian. It is his behavior.

“Many will SAY to me on that day…..then I will say, ‘Depart from me you who break God’s laws.” Matthew 7:23

“If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.” 1 John 4:20

“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves.  You will know them by their fruits.Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?  Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Therefore by their fruits you will know them.” Matthew 7:15-20

If someone consistently, habitually shows hostility, anger and a lack of love and concern toward his spouse (or others), the Bible says that person is not a follower of Christ. Understanding this is also important for both the spouse and those counseling.

If “judging another person’s heart” makes you feel uncomfortable, just remember Paul’s command in 1 Corinthians 5:12-13: “What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. ‘Expel the wicked person from among you’.”

If we are to expel the wicked, we must then determine who they are. We do that by the measures given to us in Scripture and are actually commanded to put out those claiming to be Christians but who are living wickedly.

Different counsel must be given and it’s not easy.

For the record, if the abuser is the husband, telling his wife she needs to submit more, or try harder will make matters worse. The narcissist thrives on having control of those around him. He will use the Christian command for wives to submit to his advantage.

This does not, in my opinion, make the teaching wrong as many have concluded. But it does make counsel a matter of extreme discretion and wisdom, since these people are operating in a completely different realm. Biblical counsel is intended only when both spouses are fulfilling their duties (albeit imperfectly) or at least have rational capabilities. With narcissistic abuse, another approach must be taken.

Narcissists typically will either go along with counseling to appear they are trying, ignoring it when they get home, or they will kick back entirely against any attempts at pointing out their faults. Often the narcissist will just move from church to church, or friends to friends, dropping those who have tried to reach in, like a hot potato.

This makes even the effort to seek counseling quite difficult. (And you never know how the abuser will react at just the mention of seeking help.) It might be that one has to go through the painful process of separating before the abusive spouse realizes the seriousness of the other’s intentions to find help.

As a word of caution, if you are thinking about separating from your spouse, get a “safety plan” in order before you do, which involves other people who can help protect you. Sometimes when control is removed from the narcissist (i.e. you leave) they become physically violent.

I urge anyone reading this, if you are in the role of counseling or leadership at your church, to educate yourself about this particular type of abuse. One commenter sent the link to a fantastic site, Unholy Charade, written by a pastor of 18 years, former police officer, and anti-abuse advocate. He has some solid resources that really help explain this phenomenon.

And let me stop and say, if this describes your marriage, especially if you are just now piecing things together, I am so sorry. Sadly, you are not alone. Not even close. I’m astounded at how many are living in this type of situation. May the Lord give us all clarity, compassion and wisdom. My immediate advice to you is to find someone who understands. 

(Note: My husband gets my newsletter so when the first post in this series came through he said, “Are your readers going to think I’m a narcissist? 🙂 Let me assure you, he is not. The farthest thing from it, and I’m truly grateful for his servant-hearted leadership.)

Read Part 3:  What to Do if You’re Married to a Narcissist