Kelly Crawford

“After arriving home from my abortion all I could do was cry and long for my empty womb to be filled again with the child I had just aborted. Once in the shower I would cry uncontrollably asking God to forgive me for what I had done and beg Him to give me my baby back. This went on for months. Finally one day I distinctly heard, “I forgive you, you need to forgive yourself”.

It was through this pain that Jesus started to reach my heart. I heard a story about a man who went to church, but had never accepted Jesus as his Savior. This testimony played over and over in my mind and I started thinking about giving my life to Christ. I was so drawn to doing it, but felt scared wondering what He would make me do and give up. Finally one day I told Jesus that my life was His. It was a decision that I have never come to regret. I started to read the bible, but didn’t like it. I didn’t understand it or know where to start, but I made myself do it. Eventually the Scriptures started to make sense and I fell in love with the Word of God; it started to transform me. Jesus showed me that my husband was not the only one to blame for our marital problems and that I needed to work on myself.

One change I made was that I no longer argued with my husband when he went out; instead I immersed myself in the bible and would cover him with prayer. One night I prayed to Jesus and said, “If You will save my husband and my marriage I will get out of the way and go through whatever it takes”.  Jesus quickly started working in favor of my prayer. That was August 2009. Also that month my husband asked me to remove my IUD. With some reservations I decided to remove it and I told God that if He ever decided to give me another baby I would never abort it no matter the circumstances.

We got the news that we were being relocated back to where we moved from before. I begged God not to send us back there. Despite my objections we moved.  My husband‘s addictions were pulling him farther away from me.  Two days after we moved, through a fluke that was obviously God orchestrated, I got to witness firsthand what my husband was truly involved in regarding women. I had a friend offer to move the kids and me into her home. While my husband was at work we moved out. I was devastated as were my children. We moved into a tiny bedroom, but it was perfect for us to cuddle, cry and pray for their dad. My moving only fueled his alcoholism even though he constantly asked me to move back. We only stayed gone a little over 2 weeks.

Once home the same problems returned.  I constantly listened to church messages, read the bible, sought counsel, and stayed in prayer to maintain my walk with Jesus and my sanity. I read the story of Saul being changed to Paul in Acts 9 and it really spoke to me. I prayed regularly, “Lord, if You could change Saul, a murder of Christians, to Paul then You can change my husband.” I believed this in my heart.

Things got much harder before they got better. I asked the Lord if he would show me for certain. I asked Him to have my husband say he wanted to get marital counseling through the church. In no way did I ever imagine him saying this. Low and behold he said it without any prodding, hints or suggestions. I immediately started crying, not because I was happy but because I knew the Lord wanted me to stay and it was going to be hard. I silently prayed asking Jesus to take the pain away regarding everything my husband had done so I could stay, and He did! I was able to love my husband without that pain.

We did go to church and a few counseling sessions, but he didn’t like what he heard.  Every Sunday I would invite him to church, he would say no and I would try to leave happy and come home happy. I started to receive persecution for my faith from him. The Holy Spirit strengthened me to love my husband and do His will. Days where I felt that he didn’t deserve it I would say to myself, “Lord, he doesn’t deserve it but I am doing this for you”. Through it all I would hold onto 1 Peter 3.  One day I had enough and I decided I was going to divorce him. I felt in my heart Jesus saying, “That is your will not Mine”. In January 2010 I became pregnant with our daughter.

Things started to spiral quickly for him. One night while out drunk he got beat up. Soon after he had his car impounded for driving on a suspended license. He decided that he was going to take all of our money to get the car out. I told him that if he did that we would have no money for food. He said he knew that and asked me to take him to get the car. I had to hold onto trusting the Lord for our needs and keep the promise that I made to Jesus to get out of the way and go through whatever. I took him and he drove away on a suspended license. Next he got fired from his job. It was during this time that God started to reach him. He decided to attend a free Jeremy Camp concert with me and really enjoyed it. But the behavior continued.

He ended up missing our son’s birthday from being drunk, just as he had my birthday and our other son’s. Also,  he had gone to that same girl’s house who he was involved with during my pregnancy.  I didn’t want my children to hurt anymore and I finally had peace in my heart to let go. When he came home and I told him it was over. I was heading to church and he asked if he could go. I said if he wanted to go he could get there himself (believing this was manipulation). I left and on my way home I saw him heading towards church. I couldn’t believe it! He came home from church and I suggested he go into a rehab program.  To my surprise he agreed and said he was ready to go into a Christian drug and alcohol restoration program. He was concerned about how we would make it financially while he was in the program since he was the bread winner. I told him not to worry about it, that God would provide (which He did miraculously). We checked him in and it was there that he surrendered his life to Jesus Christ! It was there that Jesus took his alcohol addiction, sexual addiction and cigarette addiction away! That was in June of 2010. I never left his side as I saw that my husband was being transformed just as Saul had been to Paul!

I always loved the song Amazing Grace, but now the words have meaning to my husband and I that resonate throughout our very souls…Amazing grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. Thank You Jesus for saving these two wretches! All glory and honor to our Savior!”

“The morning of my abortion my husband and our 2 sons, who knew nothing about what was going on, drove me to the clinic. At the time we only had one cell phone and my husband handed it to me saying, “If you change your mind call me and I will come get you”. I walked into the clinic scared and confused.

I walked up to the front desk where a friendly staff member greeted me. After I checked in I sat down and I started to panic, thinking, “How could I go through with this?” and that I didn’t want to. Soon they moved me to a back area. It was obvious that the women there were there for an abortion.  Before you arrive for an abortion they tell you to wear something loose and comfortable for after the procedure. All the women were in that type of clothing. This area was the payment area where everything was settled before being moved on to another back area. Here the staff was not as friendly just more matter of fact. All of the women sat in silence.

I decided I was going to call my husband and tell him that I didn’t want to go through with it, but as I went to turn on the phone I realized it was dead. My name was called and they said they were having trouble getting payment from my sponsor. I couldn’t have been happier. I thought to myself that I would go home and never return. Unfortunately they were diligent in reaching the sponsor and the payment successfully went through.

I was then moved to the final back waiting area. It was where they took our vitals and we waited to be called to the final place where the abortion was performed.  It was here that I experienced tremendous fear and for the first time I realized these workers were not here to “help us make a decision”, but to put great force upon us to go through with the abortion. It was here that I no longer felt that I could just walk out if I wanted to. I sat cowardly and awaited my turn.

It was a very dark waiting room. The silence was deafening. Each girl kept her eyes down not looking around. The shame, sadness and despair was felt thick in the room.   At one point there was one exception, a girl speaking about how she’d done this multiple times. She didn’t seem to care, but all the other women didn’t seem to share that same feeling from their body language. One girl who went to get her vitals taken before me started to share with the worker that she was having second thoughts.  The worker ridiculed her in front of everyone. She talked at her so harshly and with anger. She told the girl that if she leaves she’d better not come back and waste their time until she was certain she would go through with the abortion. The girl backed down and never said another word that I ever saw. It seemed no one else dared say that they were having second thoughts after seeing what that one girl went through.

My name was called and I was escorted to a brighter room. It had a chair with stirrups, an ultrasound machine and then something that made my stomach turn. I saw the jar that they were going to put my baby into after they suctioned it out. When I saw the ultrasound machine I got so excited. I instantly gained some courage. I asked if they were going to do an ultrasound and they said, “Yes, we want to see how far along you are”. I knew right then that once I saw my baby’s heartbeat I was going to say “no” and walk out. I was so sure of it. I laid in the seat and a seemingly nice lady said, “I’m just going to give you something to take the edge off”.

That is the last thing I heard. No one told me what they were going to do, how the procedure works, or showed me my baby. The next thing I knew is that I am woken up and my baby is dead. It made me sick to know they used that ultrasound machine to find my baby and kill it with great precision. They tell me to leave the room and sit in a chair with other women who just killed their babies. I couldn’t believe it. My so called choice was gone. No chance to change my mind. My baby was dead by my own actions. The guilt and depression slammed me like never before. I waited for what seemed like eternity in a room where no one cared. Finally they said I was fine to go home. That is where the true heartache began.”