Nurturing Your Relationship With Your Teens

The following 6 ways to nurture relationships with your teens is a good reminder to me, and hopefully you. We can know the principles, but living them out in the day to day can be hard! I currently have–count ’em–5 teenagers living in my house, in addition to another adult and 3 young boys. It. is. a. party. For those of you raising teens, you know it’s a very different ballgame.

For me, one difficulty has been identifying where the transition takes place between parenting younger children, and beginning the process of letting them grow in independence as I become more of a voice of counsel, rather than authority. There is certainly not a definite period of time this happens, and even each child is different in his maturity and discernment.

If you feel like there are days you’re just winging it–you are NOT alone! Every stage of parenting has brought new and different requirements and when you mix in differences of personality, it feels like you’re starting over each stage, no matter how many children you have.

We all know that keeping lines of communication open is key to helping your teens grow to maturity and wisdom. But knowing how to do that isn’t always easy. We also know it can be quite a challenge precisely because they are in a stage of gaining their independence, weaning away from us in a sense. So it’s a tricky balance.

1. Be Present

Now more than ever, we have to be deliberate about being present. Having that phone in our hands or pockets or right beside us has created a new and problematic challenge in all our lives. We struggle with this as I’m sure most families do, but it’s a good reminder to put that phone down when you are with your teens (or spouse, or younger children) and give them the gift of your attention, which is only proven when you give them your face. (My friend’s book, Present, is such an inspiration for this!)

2. Hug Them Anyway

Some of my girls are naturally affectionate, some not as much, and my teenage boy, the one who once begged to sit in my lap while I read to him, is least of all. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want us to show our physical affection. People need touch, and while some naturally may not as much as others, take time to hug your teens. If they don’t appreciate it now, they most certainly will later.

3. Eat Dinner as a Family

This one is difficult if your kids play sports like mine do, BUT we still make a point to gather around the table with the ones who are here, and we take every chance we can when everyone is here. I expounded in another post on the power of gathering around the table, because it is such an important thing for shaping us and knitting hearts together.

4. Exchange Letters With Them.

This one was really big when I had an especially difficult teen that was not very open to face to face conversation. I bought him and his 2 sisters a notepad, each inscribed with the words, “To (child’s name), Love, Mom.” We would exchange this notebook back and forth, writing letters to each other. It was a beautiful way to hear their hearts–things they would be less inclined to tell me in person. And it’s such a treasure to us now! (Personalized notebook at Amazon.)

5. Enter Into Their World

They are changing, they may be insecure, they may feel sad or angry or anything hormones can make us feel. Try to remember that and gift them grace on bad days. And though they may not seem like they want you “in their world” they do. Ask them questions. If they spend a lot of time in their rooms, that’s a normal part of the pulling away process. A friend shared this podcast by Dr. John Cox, Parenting Teens, that helped me understand that better, and relax more about it. You want to go listen to that podcast!) Join them sometimes. Lay across their bed and just listen to them. Smile, be in their world and let them know that what matters to them matters to you.

6. Don’t Overreact.

This one’s tough for me. I’m just a reactor. But I’m slowly learning this is not a good strategy with teens. We need to be a stable presence in their lives. A safe place where they feel comfortable coming to us, even with their mistakes. This is hard. But so worth the effort.

Teens can be such a joy, and an enigma all at once. But take heart! God has chosen you specifically to parent your teens, and He promises to equip us! Also, there is grace. Grace for us to give them, and grace for our mistakes. God is using all our efforts–successes and failures–for His glory and purposes!

Last December, my son told us he had decided to enlist in the Marine Corps. I was really shocked because years ago, when I mentioned the military for him, he was adamantly opposed. However, various experiences brought him to a place where he desired greater discipline and more challenges for himself, and once we got over the shock/fear, we believe that it has been an excellent choice for him.

I have not been silent about the fact that raising Ashton came with some extreme difficulties. And despite that, he and I share a bond unique to us because of our similar personalities.

Nothing could have prepared me for the process of his leaving for boot camp. Since he has been living on his own for several years, I didn’t think it would be hard at all. Boy was I wrong!

He left a week before Christmas, and on our Christmas vacation I was so sad, so scared and felt so lonely. Since you don’t have any contact for a few weeks (and then only letters for 13 weeks) it’s almost torture for a mom not knowing how they are handling the difficult challenges you’ve read and heard about. I know now, that only a mom who has experienced it can really understand.

So it wasn’t until I joined a Facebook group for parents of boot camp recruits, and then met up on a private chat (affectionally known as “The Mom Squad) with other moms whose sons were in my son’s platoon, that I finally got the courage and strength I needed to not be a basket case every day of the week! They were truly a God-send, and we are forever knitted together by the common bond our sons have given us.

(So big advice if you are a military mom: Find you a group of other military moms. They are the only ones who will understand what you’re going through, even better than your husband. 🙂 And learn flexibility. I’ve heard we’re going to need lots of it!)

Once he was able to send letters to us, he did so frequently and there are no words to describe the exhilaration of seeing his letter in my postal service informed delivery each night! His tenderness and affinity for home were very evident and it made our years of difficulty so worth it.

He is a really brilliant artist and one of the things I worried about was losing his creativity or just facing depression if he was unable to use his creative outlet. Then we got a letter saying he had been chosen as “Lead Artist Recruit” and spent lots of hours doing projects for the drill instructors! It made my whole year.

Much of my time those 13 weeks was spent combing Facebook posts of photographs various people on Parris Island snapped, looking for my son. There was just something inexplicable about laying eyes on him and seeing he was OK.

Running out to hug him on that first day before graduation was one of the most amazing moments of my life!

We are so proud of him and so glad to have boots in the house for another week before he enters his next phase of training. There are still so many unknowns and fears ahead, but I believe Ashton is where the Lord wants him to be, and there is no safer place than that.

Semper Fi.