marriage

I had already planned to post about respect and submission, as it relates to being a wife, and then I received a comment on the last post that confirmed my plans. I will likely cover this topic over several days to prevent one post from being so long!

The commenter writes:

“I don’t think you have any idea how out of date and offensive that sentence is to most of us. Are we living in the Stone Age? My husband and I are equal partners in our marriage, and I think he would find it repulsive if his wife turned into Little Miss Submissive, needing his OK for everything. In fact, it would make his life harder. My husband very much appreciates the fact that I’m able to make decisions and take care of certain financial and other matters. He constantly tells me how this makes his life so much easier and he is better able to concentrate on work and everything else on his plate. I’m a stay at home mom and I don’t work, but not because I’m “submissive”- just typing that word makes me cringe. My husband and I BOTH think it’s the best thing for our children. I honestly cannot even imagine a marriage of the type you describe. Don’t you feel like a child, needing approval for everything you do? I almost feel sorry for you, though I realize this is a choice you’ve made. I just don’t understand how you can be happy this way.”

Quite frankly, it’s as if this lady has responded to some other post besides mine. She basically confirms what I am saying about our role–we are to be HELPMEETS, just as she has described she is to her husband. Not sure where she got the idea that I’m suggesting we can’t make any decisions or what she means exactly by “cannot even imagine the type of marriage you describe”??? (To Anon…I suggest you go back and read my earlier post about what it means to be a virtuous wife…)

My guess is, the word “submission” has been so misused that we honestly don’t understand it at all. It conjures up some Middle-Eastern idea of women who aren’t allowed to walk besider her husband or speak out loud. That’s not biblical submission. And biblical submission is never “out of date”.

Let me preface though by being clear: “submission” is God’s Word. None of this is my idea of what marriage should be. It’s a marriage God describes. If you aren’t a Christian, you likely won’t be interested in what I say here. Even so, the principles can apply even to a nonbeliever who practices them. So if you long to experience the joy God intended for marriage, you can still participate!

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; …let each one of you (husbands) so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” From Ephesians 5

I forget that the topic of submission is so misunderstood. Submitting to one’s husband is actually submitting to God; a wife is not commanded to blindly submit to some immoral or unlawful man. She is commanded to submit “as to the Lord”.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (who doesn’t even claim to be a Christian, I don’t think) wisely writes:

“The destructive anti-male subtext of the modern feminist agenda is to blame for some of this because those folks argue that catering to or deferring to a husband is slave-like submission to the male…

Whether or not a wife is Christian, or religious at all for that matter, the issue of respect is too often confused…and that becomes a stumbling block to the simple act of giving.”

Anyone who has studied and understands the human nature from a biological standpoint can see how God had His own creation figured out long ago (novel, isn’t it?)

Humans need love. But males and females receive love through different channels. Women interpret love through tenderness, understanding, communication, etc.

Men interpret love through admiration and respect. Submission, in a nutshell, is loving my husband in the way he best receives love.

I know a lot of biblically submissive women. And every single one I know is intelligent, productive, outgoing, happy and her husband thinks she’s the best thing since cotton candy. If that kind of marriage doesn’t appeal to you, then you’re brainwashed beyond what I can understand!

More to come…

Sadly, some women long to follow God’s Word as a Keeper at home, while their husbands wish them to work. While this must be very frustrating, there are some things I think a woman can do in this situation.

First of all, I think a wife is to be submissive, unless he is asking her to do something immoral. But it means submissive in every area (attitude, etc.). Just as the Scripture encourages the wife of an unbelieving husband, I think the same verses apply here. (1 Peter 3:1,2)

Prayer is your greatest source of influence. Don’t underestimate pleading with God for your desire to be obedient. He will honor it.

A wife is free to appeal. If you are a cheerful, loving and submissive wife, chances are pretty good that your husband desires to love you and will be open to your requests. Let him know of your desire to be home, show him in Scripture why you feel the way you do, and ask him to sincerely consider it (and pray about it if he is a Christian).

Usually, if a husband requests his wife to work it is because of finances. There are several practical approaches that can be taken to appeal in this area.

1. Make a list of all your expenses incurred from working outside the home. Gas, lunches, daycare, clothing, etc.
2. Make a list of all the ways you can think of that will save money if you were home. For example, cooking from scratch can be a tremendous savings if you compare it with convenience food you likely have to buy if you work. Discount grocery shopping is easier. Coupons, catching sales, making homemade gifts, etc. It all adds up.
3. Offer possibilities of earning extra income from home. I’ve written several posts on ideas (you can find these in the archives on the sidebar).
4. There are many ways to negotiate with creditors. Being in debt does not mean you both have to work. My husband and I are still paying off heavy debt we incurred when his business folded several years ago. We’ve made enormous progress, on the one income, and it is steadily disappearing. We were finally able to make arrangements that virtually eliminated all the interest rates.
5. Suggest other ways to cut back on your monthly expenses. Cable, cell phones, services you can live without.
6. Take a close look at how you spend money and see there is room for cutting back. Do you go shopping often at department stores? Stop 🙂 In this materialistic-disposable culture we live in, you can shop exclusively at thrift stores and yard sales and dress like a queen! It may be that your spending habits are keeping the budget in a bind! Just checking…

And then, request a “trial” period. After all that is practical can be done, those who step out in faith will be amazed at the way the Lord can provide when we just allow him!

We have been blessed hand over fist with really nice clothing for our children, gift cards from out of the blue, free baby sitting, and so many more physical blessings. We serve a God who owns the universe. He can take care of His children!

I hope those of you who are in this situation find encouragement. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart”.

I should have probably started here in our discussion about the virtuous wife…for it will encompass everything else.

“…but for Adam there was not found a help meet for him….and He made woman and brought her unto the man.” Genesis 2:20,22

The term “help meet” is not a noun, like it is usually used. The word “help” is the noun, and the word “meet” is an adjective meaning “suitable”. A better translation is “suitable helpler”.

Adam was not complete. The family was not complete. Society was not complete. There needed to be something more, something different. Her name would be woman (“taken out of man”.)

This is where the feminists lost it. They refuse to recognize that being different is a compliment. Adam was not good enough for the task at hand all by himself. He needed HELP!

This arrangement was not just for the garden. It was the original, created design of the family and it is just as applicable today as ever.

It all starts at one place for us women: Our main job on earth is to HELP OUR HUSBANDS.

That job has many faces. It may be as simple as encouraging him through a challenge. It may be running an office for him for his line of work. It may be keeping his underwear clean and serving as Vice President to his company all in the same day. Whatever it is, that is our first calling.

Understanding that changes a lot. And unfortunately, we are not the only ones affected by feminist thinking–our husbands have been too.

I hear women say, “my husband wants me to work outside the home”. It may be that he just doesn’t know there is anything else…he may have even been taught that it is insulting to ask his wife to stay home to manage it!

(More on what to do if your husband wants you to work and you don’t in the next post!)

A friend of mine made a great point to me once. She said, “How many men do you know send their wives off to work for another man, then turn around and hire some other woman to be his secretary? That’s like cutting off your arm and getting a prosthesis!”

If families would submit to God’s plan for them, we would not only be peaceful, content families (with much higher marriage success rates), we would propser and be able to reach our fullest earthly potential!

I’m about to connect some dots here…

Some may think that I’m a little idealistic (I’ve been accused of worse ;-), but dream with me for a moment…

A man and woman understand their complimentary roles. They also understand the “fruitful and multiply” mandate. They understand the dominion mandate. They begin to think in terms of “family economy”. (Chuck Swindoll said that a family is a micro-civilization.) They live in America where earning a living from home is within almost anyone’s grasp.

Their efforts are multiplied as their family grows and works together. Children are not a burden–they are an asset to the family. (I’m not necessarily talking about farming either.)

This is a very real possibility. And while families who are already “mid-stream” may not be able to implement this model competely, now is the time to prepare our children.

I know of a family with nine children who are preparing them with this vision. They are starting new businesses, one by one, like a little miniature corporation, to be able to “hand off” to each of their children as they marry.

This is great! They’ve each worked hard to help start and operate the businesses, all under their father’s oversight and hard work, they are all learning brilliant management skills, and their father is able to direct their specific gifts and talents toward the business that suits them.

It is a beautiful picture of a modern-day “dominion taking” by one family…just as God designed it!

Ask your husband, if you haven’t yet…”How can I best help you?” And be honored to have been given this prestigious position!

Well, you asked for it, so here it is! The official RUBY REBEL button, to place on your blog or site to make a declaration about the rare jewel of the virtuous wife! Just copy and paste the code below into your blog or site to spread the word!

<a href="http://heartsforfamily.blogspot.com/2008/04/vurtuous-wife-ruby-rebel.html" target="blank"><img decoding="async" src="http://i30.tinypic.com/t82hxy.jpg" border="0" alt="rubyrebel" /></a></p> <p>

Thank you, Butterfly Kisses, for the code!

“She seeks wool, and flax, and works willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants’ ships; she brings her food from afar. She rises also while it is yet night, and gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She girds her legs with strength, and strengthens her arms. She perceives that her merchandise is good; her candle does not go out by night. She lays her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She reaches out her hand to the poor; yes, she reaches her hands to the needy.” Proverbs 31:13-20

It’s impossible to talk about the virtuous wife without talking some about her duties at home. Notice that the bulk of Proverbs 31 involves decribing those duties.

Read that carefully to get a clear picture of the virtuous wife. Times have changed, cultures have changed, but the work of a virtuous wife has not!

Recently a working friend said to me, “I just think I’d go out of my mind with boredom at home”. That comment doesn’t even register with me.

Her comment reveals that the world’s picture of a virtuous wife–a keeper at home–is a lie, not based at all on biblical truth. The feminist agenda went full force to create an undesirable image of the keeper at home…she is foggy-brained, mealy-mouthed, wears frumpy clothes all day, stays home because she can’t really do anything else, and is addicted to soap operas so she can pass the miserable day away.

That is not the picture of the Proverbs 31 wife…and it’s not our picture. A virtuous wife is not a passive vocation–one a woman falls into or gets stuck with. Now sadly, there are such women who don’t understand God’s desire for them, and they have been victimized by their own stereotypes.

The virtuous wife is a role to be coveted, planned for, hoped for, dreamed about, and embraced with all the vigor of any other vocation. And it is a BUSY role!

The husband of a virtuous wife knows his wife has many gifts, talents and abilities, and because of her position at home, she can use them to benefit her family, her church, her neighbors, her community, and her world. She is able to focus on the gifts the Lord has given her, and tune those gifts to meet the many opportunities that lie around her.

She is well-rounded, always learning, always creating. Her husband delights in her willingness to share those gifts first with the people she loves the most.

Understand that a virtuous wife can wear many hats; it is not just an unfortunate plight for those who don’t like to cook and clean…any woman, with any gifts, can and was created to use those gifts within the domain of her home.

And the virtuous wife is in charge! Contrary to the “lorded over” stereotype, a virtuous wife doesn’t have a husband who needs to micromanage. Her home is her realm and he “safely trusts her”. She orders her home, depending on his guidance and counsel when needed, but she is the “keeper”.

What are your gifts? How can you use them to minister, serve and benefit those around you?

This passage speaks directly to the business side of the virtuous wife. She may be involved in making and selling for profit, investments and home business. Notice, though, that it is all done within the domain of her home and family life; she does not neglect home all day and report to another man for work. And yet, because she manages her time wisely, stays healthy and fit, and keeps her hands busy, she is able to get quite a lot done!

(This doesn’t imply that a virtuous wife MUST operate a home business, just that it is within her domain to do so!)

Don’t be fooled by the world’s definition of a submissive wife; she is obedient, she is reverent, she is deferring; but she is also strong, competent and industrious.

Yesterday, my quiet 6-year old girl had been out picking wild flowers. She was really absorbed in the project of making them look just right in all the vases, and strategically placing them around the house. She studied her design for a while, and then looked at me and said, “when I grow up, I want to be a decorator”.

My face lit up and I just took off…

“Oh honey, you can! And a lot of other things too! Isn’t God wonderful to give us the desire to create beauty, and make things, and decorate, and then allow us to use all our gifts and talents from home? We could never find the time to do all we wanted to do if we weren’t at home!”

On and on I went…painting the keeper at home for what it is–something glorious! May we never be guilty of shrinking away from encouraging our daughters to joyfully look forward to being the managers of their homes!

Now you know as well as I do, all our days are not as glorious; I hardly slept last night because my nursing infant is cutting teeth. I’m exhausted, and I’ll have to fight being grumpy today. There will be lots of days where it is a struggle to “embrace my glorious role as keeper”…

But again, if we approach life from a “principally oriented” position, that is, knowing the bad days will come, but the truth remains that a keeper at home is my glorious, God-ordained position, that truth will keep me anchored throughout the ups and downs of life.

• When you husband speaks, whether at home or with a group, no matter what he is saying, look at him and listen intently, as if he were the most brilliant man in the world. Even if he were blubbering, your respectful reaction to him would speak louder to those around you than his words.

• Get into the habit (if you don’t already) of asking your husband before you make decisions. This is a real way to not only show him the authority and respect that he deserves, but it is a natural protection for you. (I’m not talking about decisions like which shoes to wear, but if someone asks you to do a project, a favor, babysit, go somewhere, etc.)

If you are unfamiliar with the idea of respect and submission in a marriage, you are balking at this post. Let me offer to you the irony of God’s plan for marriage: it brings joy and peace, and causes your marriage to be one of harmony and unity.

You can embrace the world’s egalitarian “no man tells me what to do” system, and be content with its results. Or, you can willingly admire and respect your husband and receive back tenderness and loving care from him. It’s your choice!

I love a good book…especially those that encourage me, and inspire me as a mother and wife. I just finished the book that was so hard to put down: Passionate Housewives Desperate for God, and I am blown away! It was so much more than an encourgement…it renewed a vision within me, and brought back a vitality to my calling–something I can’t put a price on!

One thing I found amazing about the book, is that it can meet women who have never heard of the biblical model of womanhood, or a woman who fully embraces her calling. It is a beautiful introduction of the freedom of being a godly homemaker, and yet it is an incredible source of energy for the woman already immersed in her calling!

“Submitting to our husbands, loving our families, keeping our homes, walking in sobriety and wisdom, and caring for the everyday needs of others, within the realm of divine order, communicates Christ–and this celebration of family, hospitality, and children causes the world to look upward.”

Unlike some books I’ve read about being a homemaker, this book didn’t leave with me with an overwhelming sense of failure, painting an unattainable picture of what a homemaker should be, but rather spurred me on with a biblical picture, and encouraged me spiritully and practically in the calling God has for women.

The focus of the book is to dispel the myth of both the current feminist lie that so prevails in our culture, and the “June Cleaver” myth of the 50’s, with the spotless house and flawless figure.

“The truth is that biblical motherhood doesn’t mean we’re promised postcard-perfect days where we lounge together with our little ones on the porch swing in white starched dresses sipping lemonade and singing in harmony. Homegrown children take a lot of hard work–and sometimes ‘it ain’t pretty’. Other times, it’s breathtaking.”

Passionate Housewives beckons us to embrace the paradox of serving others as a means of fulfillment.

“Biblical motherhood means sacrifice, selfless love, and faithful dedication….we must see the godly generations beyond our own children. This means denying ourselves and being consumed with God and His love for us.”

The book is a breath of fresh air among the stench of our self-driven culture.

“Submitting to our husbands, loving our families, keeping our homes, walking in sobriety and wisdom, and caring for the everyday needs of others, all within the realm of divine order, communicates Christ–and this celebration of family, hospitality and children causes the world to look upward.”

I urge women of every age, whether single, married, happy, miserable, old or young, to grab this book, read it and share it with someone! Because to me, it’s not just a book; it’s a directional sign that points to the Answer! It tells a truth, that if embraced, will change your life, your family’s life, and on a larger scale, the whole world!

“…homemaking is far more than housekeeping. We need to toss out narrow modern-day conceptions that are built around stereotypes and restore our vision based upon God’s word. When we do we can being to understand why the biblical family is an indispensable foundation stone of a healthy society–and what happens when that stone is removed.You want to watch a culture self-destruct? Eliminate the fathers, make the mothers neglect their children, and teach everyone to forsake the weak, the needy, and the elderly.”

It’s a call to the individual woman, and it’s a call to an entire society.

“Look around at the homes that make up our culture. There is the root of the problem [death of th Western culture]. Homes that are emptied of their meaning and purpose make up the culture in which we live. When homes do not have creative, happy, intelligent mothers keeping them, their occupants go elsewhere to learn how to behave, what music to love, what art to imiate. Are you building culture in your home? Are you training your children to be the image-bearers of god in this world? This is your calling.” (Emphasis mine.)

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