marriage

It’s hard to know where to begin with our makeover! We are women, most of us wives and mothers, some of us yet to be; and there are some foundational aspects to the true beauty of womanhood that overlap into our specific roles as wives and mothers. Some will apply to us generally, as women; others will cross over into our roles as wives.

(By the way, if you are unmarried, take notes and soak this in. I wish I had been given more direct teaching about being a wife before I learned so many bad habits!)

First, let’s understand our fundamental duties:

“A wise woman builds her house; but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.”

We are builders, and as such, we must cultivate the feminine characteristics of our building profession.

“A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.”

We are a symbol of honor and royalty to our husbands, and must learn what it is to “adorn” him in such a way.

So all these traits we will be discussing are central to our roles as “builders” and “crowns”.

The first trait on the list is *trustworthiness*.

From Proverbs 31 we read:

“The heart of her husband safely trusts in her….she does him good all the days of her life.”

What does it mean to be trustworthy? Simply, “worthy of confidence…dependable.”

*A note for the single women: this verse implies that she is trustworthy even BEFORE she is married (all the days of HER life). A woman must conduct herself in such a way that she has been honorable, even before marriage.

Here are some questions to ask ourselves:

• Does my husband trust me with his reputation…even when he’s not present? (This includes how I speak about him to my mom.)
• Does my husband trust me with his rawest emotions? Can he trust me enough to share his failures and expose his weaknesses, confident that I will still honor him and not hold his faults against him?
• Does my husband trust me to make wise purchasing decisions? Even when I buy groceries, am I asking the Lord to guide my decisions and direct me to make the best use of our finances?
• Does my husband trust me to guard my relationships?
• Does my husband trust me to keep our home a priority over outside activities? (Are his socks getting washed? ;-))
• Does my husband trust me with our children? With their physical needs but also their emotional health? Am I investing in their hearts, or am I letting demands of the house loom larger than relationships?
• Does my husband trust me to maintain my physical appearance? To keep well-groomed, neat and healthy?
• Does my husband trust me to study nutrition and strive to provide healthy meals?
• Does my husband trust me to respect his God-given authority, as I demonstrate that through seeking his preferences?

A trustworthy woman is a beautiful thing, indeed. May the world see that quality in us as we represent our husbands and our homes to them.

Introduction

Part 2:  Make-over: Clothed in Strength and Honor

Part 3:  Make-over: Discretion

Part 4:  Make-over: But I’m Not Meek & Quiet!

part 5: Make-over: Chaste?

Part 6:  Make-over: Teacher of Good Things

Part 7:  Make-over: Contentment is Lovely

Part 8:  Make-over: Wise Women Build

Part 9:  Make-over: The Total Beautiful Woman

“A starter marriage is a first marriage that lasts five years or less and ends before the couple has children.” (Wikipedia)

The term “starter marriage” has actually been coined due to the “trend” of so many who divorce within five years of marriage.

If the term were only applicable to unbelievers, I wouldn’t even be blogging about it. But we’re seeing a parallel atrocity within the community of Christians. (I don’t want to rub salt into the wounds of those who have been divorced…I’m talking about helping those who are still married avoid it.)

This is a tragedy that should be breaking our hearts! To watch those who profess the name of Christ treat a holy, covenantal institution so flippantly! It is especially “trendy” among the younger generation.

Question is, what we can do about it?

I have no doubt that many, many Christians don’t fully understand the seriousness of the marriage covenant. That to stand before God and witnesses, making lifetime vows, is to enter into a covenant NOT just with another person, but with God Himself.

Until we fully know the weight of a marriage covenant, we will lack the conviction to counsel others in the right direction.

The message of the culture (and I mean this message is coming from every direction) is, “If you are not “happy”, it’s your fault. Do whatever it takes.”

Unhappiness has become plenty a reason to get divorced. And while I believe God wants us to fully enjoy our marriages, it is not a requirement for keeping your covenant vows.

I would think all of us will, at some point, have the opportunity to counsel someone who is at least struggling in her marriage. And although every situation is different, we must speak truth to our friends, making no room for divorce, and reclaim the reputation of Christ. (I know about the biblical “loophole” for divorce…but there are ramifications to that we’ll discuss on another day.) Then, we have to pass on the “til death do us part” mindset to our children.

The world is looking to us to see how faithful the Bride is to her Groom.

“She makes tapestry for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple…

Strength and honor are her clothing; she opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness…

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her–“Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all. ”

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31:22-31

There is a characteristic lacking from most women in our culture–I think that lacking thing is best summed up by the word GRACE.

Grace: charm, elegance,attractiveness of a delicate, refined and unlabored kind; a sense of what is fitting; courtesy

Grace is partly a physical trait, and partly an inward trait that manifests itself in a physical way.

I think the Proverbs 31 woman must surely have been one of tremendous grace. I want to be more like her.

I have a bit of a hobby of observing people in public. Particularly women and girls. It is astounding how little femininity, grace, poise or elegance is lacking in the female race. There was once a beautiful and radical distinction; not so anymore.

Let’s work at being more graceful. And it is work! Some have a natural grace, and others must work harder. Grace can come in all shapes, sizes and personalities. Athletic women can be just as graceful as another; it’s not about your “bent” so much as it is about your desire to delight in being a woman.

One of the reasons I enjoy wearing skirts is because, as no one can argue, it causes me to carry myself differently–with more poise. If clothing did not affect our carriage, school districts would not be so concerned with the possibility of uniforms in school. Studies proved that students’ academic and social performance improved with tidier uniforms.

One of the reasons I try my best to get dressed in “real” clothes, fix my hair and wear at least a smidgen of make-up at home is because my family are the most important people in the world to me. If I desire to exude grace at all, I should desire it first for my family.

“Strength and honor are her clothing….she opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.”

No, biblical feminity is not oppressive, turning out bashful, foolish women. Print that verse off and put it somewhere where you can see it throughout the day. And pray that God would use your gracefulness and honor as a stark contrast against the backdrop of your world.

“Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food and good lovin’, and he’ll do just about anything you wish…” Dr. Laura

“…And let the wife she that she reverence her husband.” Eph 5:33

Yes, you read it right–“reverence”.

Revere: “To regard with affectionate awe”.

Yes, this language is foreign to a culture riddled with self, a hatred of men and and low view of marriage and children.

But we are not of the world, and when we obey God, and reverence our husbands, our marriages become a picture of Christ and his church, a light to a dark place.

And our husbands respond with all the irony that is our God–he becomes humble, loving, and more willing than ever to please!

I have heard women say, “I will respect my husband when he earns it”. He probably won’t be around long enough to earn it. What if he only went to work when I “earned” the right to be loved?

We are to respect our husbands because to do otherwise would be disobedience to a holy God. He’s the one to whom we must answer, and He has our very best intentions in mind. He knows what we need too, and He has prescribed the formula for a happy marriage…if we will follow it.

God knew we wanted to be loved, to be treated with affection and tenderness; and since He created us, He knows what will draw that out of our husbands–respect, admiration and appreciation.

As simple as it is, this one is so hard for me…I’m not even going to pretend to have arrived. I struggle with a critical spirit, a rebellious nature and a selfish heart. All too often I look at my husband’s faults, critique every thing he does, and ignore the enormously long list of wonderful things he is and does.

Why do we do that?

Do you know what makes a husband happy? To quote Dr. Laura again, (I’m sorry, but she just has it together about men!)

“Give him direct communication, respect, appreciation, food and good lovin’, and he’ll do just about anything you wish…”

He just wants to come home to a smiling wife, who despite all his faults, appreciates that he works so hard for her, that he’s a good daddy, that he puts gas in the car when he’s out, that he checks the oil, or… fill in the blank.

Debi Pearl addresses the age old problem of wives trying to improve their husbands, i.e. “disrespect” (which we are all so prone to do–remember Eve? “Here honey, this will make you smarter 😉

She says if we would just appreciate the things he does (even if they are small), praise him for those things, he will begin to work harder in every area for more appreciation.

Of course in a godly marriage mutual respect exists; but I’m describing the honor due to the head of our homes–the man who shoulders the world for us, slays dragons for us, and protects us with all the love and care of a shining knight….(excuse my poetic digression 😉

We are to exhibit the kind of respect that doesn’t question every little thing he does, as if he is a child in need of training. The kind of respect that rests in knowing that if he is wrong, God knows how to handle it…it is not our job to reprove.

For some, it takes a real conscious effort to break habits of criticism (that’s me!) It requires us to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”. But when we do truly respect and reverence our husbands, contentment and joy flood in.

Doesn’t our God delight in irony? I think he asks us to do things completely opposite our nature so that we must absolutely depend on Him for the strength to do it…to know that on our own, we can’t.

“Relinquishing my rage at a word – “submission” – and changing my way of life were two vastly different processes…”
Rebellion and Feminism: My Story