I will have to break this topic into several posts…first let me list several MAJOR problems with dating you may have not considered…because unless you’re convinced that it’s wrong, what motivation is there to entertain anything else? (I promise, Civilla, it’s coming 😉
(BTW, there are quite a few articles on Dating and Courtship in my archived posts.)
1. Time frame. We typically start dating as early as 13 or 14 in America. (And preparing for it much earlier: “Do you have a boyfriend yet?”)
This is nothing short of absurd. What purpose does dating fulfill? Based on the thoughts below, it is blasphemous to use such activities for recreational purposes. The idea is no different than sending a child into a candy store with no money. So he licks the pieces he likes and puts them back.
2. Pre-mature romance. Dating assumes that being romantically involved with someone other than your spouse is harmless, or normal. In most cases, the typical person will have a relationship with 5 or more people before marriage.
Not harmless. Would I consider my husband’s involvement with another woman harmless? What if it were only emotional? “Well, of course not, you’re married–that makes it different.” Not so much. Our involvements do not magically disappear at the altar. They are with us for life. My husband NOW was the same man before we married.
We should help our children understand that intimacy, romance, dating, etc. is nothing to play with. Until they are ready to pursue marriage, there should not even be a hint of pursing a relationship with the opposite s*x.
(Consider if a spouse does have a marital affair; let’s say he repents, wife forgives, and they “start over”. Will not the residue of that activity still remain in their marriage? So the “pre-marriage affairs” affect a couple after they are married.)
God created the intimacy between two people to be bonding by nature (thus the “one-flesh” language), with s*x being the seal of that bond. Intimacy was never intended for anyone other than your spouse. There are lifetime consequences otherwise. (This is why the bible says that most sin a man commits is outside of his body; but se*ual sins are against his own body.)
As someone mentioned in the comment thread last post, dating is logically incongruent with marital faithfulness. “Falling in love” then breaking up, repeat, repeat, repeat…is nothing more than creating the habit of a heart to leave when “I don’t like it anymore”.
Nothing about dating involves loyalty and faithfulness; it’s easy to get in, and easy to get out. Hmmmm…kind of resembles most marriages. (Let’s think about it!)
A “spotless bride” is so much more than physical purity! This is the problem I have with the well-intentioned “Love Waits” campaigns many churches have done. It assumes that as long as we don’t “go all the way”, we’ll be OK. Not so. Love waits, indeed–for everything.
3. Deception. Another BIG problem: dating allows for a “smoke screen” that easily deceives. If I’m considering a person for marriage, don’t I need to see them in action? How do they relate to their family? What are they really like in the grind of life? A movie and dinner doesn’t reveal those things. I’ll talk more about what I mean here in a later post.
“But how does someone know a person is the right one unless they’ve dated several people?”
This reasoning is illogical; if it had any substance, it would assume that a person must date every person alive before he could know which one was right. (I could try 10 different shampoos and go with #10; but what about the other 437 brands left? I’m still left wondering.)
I wish I could plead with parents to grasp the flawed model of dating, to understand its devastation, to be willing to say “NO” for their children.
I challenge you to really think about it, if you haven’t before. I’ll post more on “if not dating, then what?”
Let’s stand back and look at our beautiful woman! She does not have the fading beauty of Cosmopolitan. Her beauty grows with time and those around her rise up and call her blessed!
“Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.”
A beautiful woman fears the Lord, first and foremost. For without it, she has little motivation to obey Him.
A beautiful woman is trustworthy–especially in the eyes of her husband.
A beautiful woman “wears” strength and honor. Don’t let feminists tell you that “Christianity has a low view of women”. Christ esteemed women higher than any others ever have, and to oppose His view of women is to go no where but down.
A beautiful woman is discreet, guarding her mouth, thinking before she speaks, graceful in her mannerism and exuding a modest charm.
A beautiful woman has a meek and quiet spirit…that is, she is easily imposed upon, fleshing out our Lord’s command to “present your bodies a living sacrifice”.
A beautiful woman is chaste, pure in thoughts and motives.
A beautiful woman is a teacher of good things; not given to the fear of being accused of unbiblical judgment, but obedient to the word that admonishes her to teach the things of the Lord.
A beautiful woman is content–in all things! She doesn’t crave more stuff, she craves more Jesus. She doesn’t measure her worth by what she owns, she measures it by who she is in Christ. She can be content because she has full FAITH that nothing has come to her that did not first pass through the sovereign filter of His love!
A beautiful woman builds her house in wisdom. If she isn’t building, she’s tearing down.
A beautiful woman is fearless and “laughs at things to come”. We serve a living God…let’s live like it!
I would LOVE to hear your final thoughts on this makeover series. What is God showing you? Your comments may meet someone just where they are.
To start at the beginning, go to Make-over Part 1: Am I Trustworthy?
“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down with her hands.” Proverbs 14:1
Boy has this verse convicted me many times! We are called to build houses. And building houses is no small thing.
How do we build a house by being wise? Wow, where do we start?
A builder is first and foremost present in her home. One cannot build if one is not there. Which is why I believe the command to be a keeper at home is not merely a helpful suggestion, but a vital clue to the health of a home.
But being present is only the beginning. There are many women present who aren’t really at home. And many women present are foolishly tearing down their houses.
How does a wise woman build a home? What are her tools?
- Blueprint. It would be foolish to start building a house without a well-designed plan. Why would we try to build without one? The Bible is our blueprint. It has everything needful for building. It amazes me how many Christians don’t consider the Bible a practical starting place for instruction in building their homes.
In addition, we need a family vision. Don’t have one? Get together with your husband and create one. We can’t get somewhere until we know where we want to go. And then renew your vision from time to time. Sometimes we just have to walk outside, shove the daily demands aside, and revisit the truly important things of life.
- Hammer & nails–the stuff of bonding. The only way a house will hold together is if it is strategically bonded and braced. If we aren’t developing strong bonds with our husband and children, we can’t expect our home to be intact. This may be the most important thing we do as mothers and wives. Bonds are easy to create…but they take lots of time. Are we investing the needed time in our family relationships? Are we looking into faces and really listening? Are we reading books to little ones? Visiting forts with older ones? Are we aiming to know the hearts of our husbands, asking ourselves how we can make his days easier?
- Stability. A strong home is a stable one. The commentary in my Bible for the above verse says: “A wise woman builds her house; that is, she develops a peaceful setting for family nurture.” Not a real deep and thorough examination, but a good picture. What are we doing to facilitate peace? It starts with our own disposition and conduct. Then we are able to guide our children into peaceful behavior. Noise is wonderful, but what kind of noise is in your home? Happy noise or strife-noise? Is there running amuck, or have you taught them to be respectful indoors? Are meal times fairly calm and enjoyable? Are you teaching them how to resolve disputes peacefully? Creating an atmosphere where hearts and souls can be nurtured is such an important part of our job!
- Aesthetics. If the foundation is sure, and the bracing and bonding are strong, we are able to add to the beauty of our homes. This is the training and teaching that sets apart a family for the glory of God. Since most families are just hanging on by their teeth, often only the basic needs are being met. But building requires intense labor and deliberate work. We are raising daughters sculpted like pillars fit for a palace, and our sons are growing like the cedars of Lebanon. This is no small task! There are habits of character to constantly form (manners, self-control, social skills, etc.), God’s Word through which every detail of life is to be shown to our children, gifts and abilities to be honed, and people around us to be loved.
“We are raising daughters sculpted like pillars fit for a palace, and our sons are growing like the cedars of Lebanon.”
Yes, building a home is costly; there are lots of other projects vying for our time and energy. We will invest our God-given abilities into building something. But a wise woman will build her home.
“She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is the law of kindness.”
“As a godly woman, contentment is one of the most beautiful “garments” you can wear. In your marriage, contentment speaks straight to the heart of your husband. It says, “What you do for me is enough, and I am grateful”. And I’m not sure we could say anything sweeter to his ears than that!”
Isn’t it funny how we all know about the importance of being content, but it’s so hard to develop the habit? Can you imagine how drastically our lives would change if we embraced true contentment AND TAUGHT OUR CHILDREN TO DO THE SAME?
Living in America proves the greatest irony of the human condition…the more you have the more you want. AND, more doesn’t make one better (usually is has the opposite effect).
And Paul was right…the love of money (or things) is the root of all kinds of evil. Even in our debates about the root of abortion, the root of divorce, the root of–fill in the blank, we can trace them all back to the love of money.
We want a better life–for ourselves and for our children. But our definition of *better* is so distorted!
In pursuit of this “better” life we sacrifice life itself…on so many levels. We sacrifice our own unborn children, either by preventing them, or killing them in the womb. We sacrifice the lives of the ones we do have by abandoning them in order to work and make more money so they can have that “better” life, when a better life would just be more of ourselves, more of our sanity, and more of our tranquility.
And we prove over and over that we really don’t believe the Bible. Listen carefully to Paul’s words in 1 Timothy:
“But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and clothing, with these we shall be content.”
Food and clothing…he doesn’t even mention shelter!!! Think about the things we covet and complain about not having! Oh that we could strip ourselves of this worldly burden of greed and just be content.
As a godly woman, contentment is one of the most beautiful “garments” you can wear. In your marriage, contentment speaks straight to the heart of your husband. It says, “What you do for me is enough, and I am grateful”. And I’m not sure we could say anything sweeter to his ears than that!
But when we keep lists of all the things we need and want, without even realizing it, we tell our husbands that his hard work is NOT enough; that we are not grateful for the energies he constantly pours out to provide.
I try to think of the children of Israel and the wrath of God they evoked through their discontentment. Try to find time today to read Psalm 78. It is a telling chapter of God’s anger over their complaining. And it is a word meant for us still today.
“Marvelous things He did in the sight of their fathers…but they sinned even more against Him by rebelling against the Most High in the wilderness. And they tested God in their heart by asking for the food of their fancy….Therefore the Lord heard this and was furious;…because they did not believe in God and did not trust in His salvation.”
Contentment is closely related to faith; believing that God is our provider and allowing ourselves to be settled that what He gives, we will receive with gratefulness.
Let’s spend our day today counting our blessings, naming them one by one. What beauty exudes from a woman full of contentment and gratitude!
And be sure to tell your husband that you are grateful for his hard work, then show him your contentment!
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build
Part 9: Make-over: The Total Beautiful Woman
“The aged women likewise, that they be in behavior as becometh holiness, not false accusers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things;”
And the list follows of these “good things.”
- to be sober
- to love their husbands, to love their children
- to be discreet
- chaste
- keepers at home
- good
- obedient to their own husbands
It’s interesting, that even today, I was warned, by a well-meaning reader, to “not teach false things.” And let me just say, that is an excellent warning!
“To whom much is given, much is required.”
You have no idea how this verse sends chills to my bones. And it is, perhaps, why I so often keep saying unpopular things in the face of persecution. I am obligated by Scripture, to teach those things listed right there in print for me to teach.
And you are too.
I’m consistently astonished at how few Christian women are teaching these things, and even more at how many Christian women are scolding those who do. Look around and see the frightening repercussions.
For I am told (and so are you) that if we do not teach these things and do them ourselves, the Word of God is blasphemed. I’m not a rocket scientist. And I figure that the Bible was written to be understood by the common person.
So I challenge you to “teach these things.” Teach them gently, and boldly, for it’s not an opinion we protect…it is the very Word of God.
A friend of mine gave such a poignant analogy of some of those areas where many try to dance around and find loopholes. How often do you hear, “well, the Bible doesn’t say you can’t ____”?
She said, on those issues where the Bible doesn’t explicitly deny a practice (usually because there wasn’t even a name for it in Bible times), look at what the positive command is. Usually a command nullifies an opposite one (i.e. “Go right.”, by implication means, “Don’t go left.”).
“The Bible doesn’t say a woman with a family CAN’T have a career”…
But what does it say? “To be a keeper at home”, and “look well to the ways of her household”, and “be in subjection to her own husband.” Anything that interferes with those commands needs to be seriously reevaluated.
So teach! You older women (meaning, older than the ones you’re teaching), it is your obligation. And we start with our own daughters. Teach those things that are good, according to what God has laid out, virtually in a list form. These ARE good things. And they will bring health to those who listen.
Part 7: Make-over: Contentment is Lovely
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build
Part 9: Make-over: The Total Beautiful Woman
“Teach the young women to be….chaste…” Titus 2
Since the “young women” in Titus have husbands and children, chaste in this verse does not mean a virgin; the Greek translation implies “pure, innocent, clean, holy, saint-like.”
I love studying the different character traits of a godly woman because it clashes with a popular notion among many churches that: “We’re all just a big mess, and God loves us messy, so no bother to clean up. Besides, if we clean up, then other people might not think we’re cool, and then they won’t love Jesus; worse yet, they’ll call us legalists.” I’m not making that up.
God’s Word is clear about our conduct. We represent a holy God, we are called a holy people, and we have personal responsibility in the way we live and conduct ourselves.
How does one remain chaste, according to the above definition, in such an unchaste world? Notice, as we study these traits, how opposite the conduct described in Scripture is to that of what we see displayed so often around us. Also notice how much these traits overlap: chastity, modesty, discretion…I’m guessing it’s kind of important!
Chaste in our conduct and speech, is similar to discretion, but I see chaste referring more to the topic of conversations and manner of speaking we engage in. A chaste woman keeps her thoughts pure, because her thoughts will spill over into her mouth.
She dwells on things that are “holy”; taking every thought captive. (Practice singing hymns throughout the day.)
It’s easy to see why there was a time in history when men refrained their speech in the presence of a lady. Using course language or vulgar joking in front of a woman would have been despicable behavior during those times. And women behaved themselves in a way that made them worthy of such respect. Christian or not, most people operated on the principles of God’s Word.
I’ve read a book or two on the habit of being attractive to your husband. One of the things I remember was how much he is attracted to his wife’s innocence. Unheard of today in an egalitarian “dog eat dog” world, where every man and woman fights for his own way.
Oh that we could see that the way of the Lord leads to life!
Part 6: Make-over: Teacher of Good Things
Part 7: Make-over: Contentment is Lovely
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build
But let it [adorning] be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands;” 1 Peter 3:4,5
I thought the trait of discretion would move nicely into thoughts about this popular verse which describes godly beauty. And folks, I’ve always struggled with this one! “A meek and quiet spirit” just doesn’t seem to *fit* my personality.
It helps to know that, of course, this verse doesn’t imply all women are to be quiet and shy. Some are naturally given to a quiet disposition, and some are not. The word to pay attention to here is “spirit”.
We must also note that Peter is speaking directly to wives, so her behavior is foremost in relation to her husband. To be meek is to “be easily imposed upon” or submissive. To have a quiet spirit, is to be imposed upon cheerfully . We can submit on the outside and yell about it on the inside…which is not a quiet spirit.
Peter was saying that a wife of an unbeliever will be more attractive and be more likely to convert her husband if she is submissive to him. Of course, the same instruction would much more apply to wives of believing husbands.
We all know that the word “submission” takes a beating, even from many Christians. It’s hard to believe that a large segment of the Christian community has danced around this word and redefined it. Boy we just don’t like submitting–not even to God!
Submission doesn’t imply devalued or trod upon; a man is commanded to be submissive too–to Christ. That doesn’t make him a wimp anymore than a woman who submits to her husband. And we are to be submissive to each other.
It is God’s order, and we have a choice to follow it and reap the blessing, or refute it and be miserable. In most cases, a husband responds to this supernatural order with love and honor–he submits to her needs in return.
A meek and quiet spirit defers to her husband and even her family. It really is the core of a servant’s heart, the one Jesus had.
Here’s a test: You are picking up your bedroom, and your husband’s clothes are scattered all over the floor–a usual scene. Do you:
1. Throw them all in a corner and “show him” what happens if he doesn’t pick up after himself?
2. Pick them up grumbling as you put them away?
3. Dwell on all the things he does for you that he doesn’t have to, and consider it a blessing to be able to serve him in such a small way? Proceed to fold/hang his clean clothes as neatly as possible for an “extra blessing”?
I know, we’ve all reacted the wrong way. I’ve got my hand raised too. But that’s why we’re working on it!
This verse says that a submissive spirit is an *ornament*…a decoration that makes us beautiful. Let’s focus on peaceful, quiet and submissive spirits. Let’s turn a deaf ear to the world’s prescription for a happy marriage (their track records stinks!) and become beautiful ornaments in our homes.
Part 5: Make-over: Chaste?
Part 6: Make-over: Teacher of Good Things
Part 7: Make-over: Contentment is Lovely
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build
Part 9: Make-over: The Total Beautiful Woman
“Teach the younger women to…be discreet, chaste, keepers at home…”
Discretion: “Having or showing discernment or good judgment in conduct and especially in speech; sensible.”
Satan knows our weaknesses so well, and this is one area where we must be vigilant in guarding against temptation.
Our speech, especially, is susceptible to a lack of discernment; and we could break off and do a whole study from James 3 about the “fire of the tongue.”
A beautiful woman will protect the reputation of others by her discretion; she will protect her own reputation, in fact. She will not be given to coarse language or crude conversations, and she will attempt to be thoughtful before speaking.
“When in doubt, leave it out”, could be the motto. As a side note, I’ve heard a study on the godly wife that encourages women not to talk more than their husbands in a social gathering, so it doesn’t appear that she “thinks” for the family. Which is really hard when you are talkative and your husband is not!
I think of the virtue of grace being closely associated with discretion. I challenge you to observe women the next time you’re in public. Note the women who appear to be graceful. Note the ones who are not. It is more and more a lost concept, and gracefulness is NOT being transferred to the young girls of this generation. When I see a graceful woman in public, she sticks out of the crowd.
A boisterous, over-powering manner of speaking is not beautiful; a loud and obnoxious speech is not graceful (let your speech be always with grace”).
Discretion is the kind, graceful conduct that ultimately places others first.
If you have ideas to add to the virtue of discretion, please feel free!
Part 4: Make-over: But I’m Not Meek & Quiet!
part 5: Make-over: Chaste?
Part 6: Make-over: Teacher of Good Things
Part 7: Make-over: Contentment is Lovely
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build
Part 9: Make-over: The Total Beautiful Woman
“She has no real fear, because her eyes are fixed on following His will. Whatever befalls her has passed through the hands of the One who loves her most.”
“Strength and honor are her clothing.”
What does it mean to “wear strength and honor”? I love this verse, because it flies in the face of the perverted misunderstanding that our culture has of biblical womanhood.
The Bible exalts women far above what the feminists have. God’s view of women spoke of honor, dignity, rare jewels, and strength. Why would we want to trade that picture for anything else? Man has always perverted the role of women, but a return to our Creator’s intentions is the highest place we could find.
Strength can be expressed physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since strength and honor are used together in this verse, I think they describe a woman strong of character. And what does a “strong character” look like?
I am prone to envision a woman with a tranquil nature, steady, even in the face of distress. Boy could I use some work here!
Strength allows a woman to be at peace, because she is not exerting HER strength; but rather, an inner reliance on God the Father. Her faith rests completely on His providence, His protection and His guidance in her life. She has no real fear, because her eyes are fixed on following His will. Whatever befalls her has passed through the hands of the One who loves her most.
To wear honor is to first know she is worthy of it. Worthy, not because of what she has done, but because of who she is in Christ. “Now if we are children, then we are heirs–heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ.”
Honor: “High rank. The dignity accorded to position.”
We need to dwell on our royal inheritance! We are marked by holy distinction! We are daughters of the King, princesses fit for Heaven–do others see that in our behavior? We aren’t talking about wearing pride, but wearing honor, behaving in a way that is honorable.
Do I exhibit those character qualities that have been obscured in our day? Am I honest–even in the small things? Do people know me to possess integrity and uprightness of heart? Do I “walk worthy of the vocation in which I am called”?
I’ll add here that the way we dress speaks volumes about how we view ourselves. Given the “princess” analogy, if we really dwelt on that image, I bet our attire would begin to reflect it. Compare the attire of a woman who understands her worth before God, desiring to reflect His character, even in the way she dresses, to the popular “grunge” style of the culture?
Let us practice putting on strength and honor, and allowing the adornment of our hearts to affect the adornments of our bodies…we are representing the King!
Part 3: Make-over: Discretion
Part 4: Make-over: But I’m Not Meek & Quiet!
part 5: Make-over: Chaste?
Part 6: Make-over: Teacher of Good Things
Part 7: Make-over: Contentment is Lovely
Part 8: Make-over: Wise Women Build