marriage

Through Hatushili’s blog, I ran across an article at The Purple Cellar where the author addresses modesty. But her emphasis was not on clothing, rather on modesty and restraint of our interactions with others, particularly those of the opposite sex.

It’s an issue that is probably not raised enough among believers; a man or woman should exercise extreme caution in the area of “friendships” with other men and women.

My husband and I were just observing that there is such a flippancy within the church, between friendships of men and women who are married to other people. Once again, I blame the feminist movement, somewhere along the line, for our arrival at the conclusion that somehow it’s “safe” to leave our relationships unguarded.

As the author points out, in fact, the safer we think we are, the more susceptible to falling we become! Just another piece of the puzzle explaining so many extra-marital affairs in the body of Christ. Think about how many shocking stories you’ve heard of “he left his wife for her best friend”…or something to that tune. This is not a trivial issue.

There was a day, whether you were a Christian or not, when men and women just held a safe distance from presumption with one another; they didn’t share intimate details of their lives, they would never have even considered being alone with one another, and the respect they held for themselves, and for the spouses of others, maintained a proper distance. Now, such a view is considered prudish. But boy have the divorce attorneys benefited from our new freedom!

The natural affinity that occurs between a man and woman doesn’t just die after you are married; a marriage license doesn’t remove all possibility of attraction to another person. We must guard from temptation just as before, never allowing ourselves to become too familiar or intimate with another man or woman. Additionally, we must seek to honor our spouses in our relationships, and not wound them. How do I respond to other men when they’re talking? Do I look at them with an admiring gaze…one that perhaps my husband would covet? I think we also should be very careful about physical contact. If you are a “hugger” by nature, you need to consider that many men (and women, if you are a man) are highly stimulated by such “innocent” gestures…we need to be very careful that we don’t give wrong signals, even if our intentions are innocent.

The following is an excerpt from the article I mentioned…I encourage you to read the rest.

“Wait a minute,” we say. “We’re just friends! There’s nothing wrong with that.” Oh, but there is. Sharing verbal intimacies with a man is the exclusive right of his wife. It takes something away from her when we focus her husband’s attention onto ourselves. The best of marriages takes work, and because of that there are certainly seasons where the monotony of daily life can tempt a man (or woman) to be attracted to something or someone novel. The new and different is exciting to almost everyone, so even the most innocuous revelations about ourselves can be distracting.”

Just a little challenge on a slightly different topic…do you agree?

Here’s the hardest one for me….

My husband can do what he wants to do, even if I don’t think it’s a good idea, because he is my husband.

Maybe all women are born with the innate sense to guide, sway, influence or just plain nag their husbands about things. We just think we know the right way to do things, and we can’t seem to keep our mouths shut if he decides to do something differently! And while I do believe wives and husbands were put together to achieve a balanced relationship, and I believe wives are free to give opinions, counsel, ideas and such, I think we must be very careful how and when our counsel is given.

Generally speaking, it’s safe to avoid any conversations with your husband that begin with “Why did you…”
It’s basically resisting the urge to “mother” your husband. Husbands do not want to be told what to do. And really stubborn ones will do just the opposite of what their wives want, just to prove a point.

When we question a given choice they make, we essentially say to them that they are incapable, or not as bright as we are, or in need of overseeing. How hard on the male ego!

Again, I think there is an appropriate way to address an issue we feel merits discussion. But most of the time, it’s the little things that we really undercut their authority in.

I messed up this week. We are pretty much always careful with our finances–we have to be. We rarely have “extra”, and if we do, we spend it on a family night out to dinner or something. Recently we had a little extra, but the extra was already accounted for with upcoming doctor bills.

A few nights ago my husband announced that he had just joined, over the telephone, the NRA. I just stared blankly and said, “you did what”?

Not reverent. First of all, he is the one who is out everyday slaving in the hot sun to earn a paycheck. It is his money. If he wanted to buy a Harley, I suppose he has that right. I gave a few of my “objections”, reminded him of the doctor’s bills, and then to, ahem, end on a submissive note, said, “whatever you want to do–it’s your money.”

And then I remembered the yard sale splurge I had taken just the day before…$100 (OOPS!)
(But it was really important stuff like a new lamp, a Calvin Klein sweater, and a dainty tea set 🙂

“Dear Lord, deliver me from my pride, my presumption, my desire to always be right. Give me a heart of undying devotion and reverence for this dear, sweet man you’ve given to love, cherish and protect me.”

“A man will allow his woman many, many faults, as long as he knows that she thinks he is great. The very heart of reverence is extreme appreciation and profound thankfulness that this man, just as he is, has chosen to love me.”

A friend of mine and I were discussing the issue of marriage Sunday. She told me about an analogy she heard which I thought was worthy of repeating. Consider the following scenario as it relates to the way we should be viewing our husbands:

The telephone rings:

“Hi (your name)….this is the Lord Jesus. I’m coming for dinner tonight is that OK?”

“Certainly, Lord, I can’t wait to see you!”

You immediately go change clothes, fix your hair, brush up your make up, change the kids clothes, comb their hair, instruct everyone to tidy up the house, put on some beautiful music, light candles, etc. Then you prepare a beautiful dinner, with all the nice little touches you can think of, and have it hot and ready for the time he said he would arrive. You arrange the children sweetly around the dinner table, instruct them to smile and be welcoming when the Lord arrives.

Phone rings…

“This is the Lord again. I’m sorry, but I’m running behind. Looks like I’ll be 20 minutes or so late. Is that OK?”

“Oh, sure it is. I’ll just reheat everything before you arrive….no problem!

Did that story convict you? It did me. Because if you are anything like me, after going through all that trouble, and my husband called to tell me he would be late, I likely would not respond so graciously! And worse than that, some days I convince myself of how hard I’ve worked, and how I deserve a break, and I’m likely to barely greet him before I hand him a little one and sigh about how hard my day has been. (No matter that he has just slaved all day for us in the 95 degree, sickly-humid weather with no break from the heat!)

But in essence, and completely contradictory to the world’s message of marriage, our husbands are the kings of our homes. And treating him like a king does not cause him to “lord it over us”. Quite the opposite. It is his nature to respond to this kind of preferential treatment with love, care and complete adoration of the woman who is wise enough to care for him like that!

Debi Pearl writes in her book “Created to Be His Helpmeet” (excellent resource!!!):

“A man will allow his woman many, many faults, as long as he knows that she thinks he is great. The very heart of reverence is extreme appreciation and profound thankfulness that this man, just as he is, has chosen to love me.”

It takes time. It takes effort. It takes a full-time commitment to be that kind of wife. But it’s worth every bit!

So I’m always asking myself…”What is it that causes so many disgruntled marriages…so many divorces among Christians…and even difficulties in my own marriage. Why is this holy institution of God under such attack from the enemy?

And in my own estimation of it, the problem lies rooted in one thing: self-centeredness. And from there, a vicious cycle ensues.

When we are centered on self (sin nature/old man), our marriage becomes a place where we look for OUR fulfillment and happiness. So our husbands then become under our constant scrutiny. “He’s not meeting this need…or that need. I’ve been working all day too, and he just comes in and plops down in the chair!”

When “self” is our concern, we create expectations. We want him to be more romantic, more sensitive, more aggressive, more of a spiritual leader, more perceptive, more, more more. So, our solution? TELL HIM. Only his interpretation is NAG ME!

The more we point out his areas of weakness (and this can be done in much subtler ways than speaking it right out–Example….”Why did you…”), the more we tear away at his manhood, his desperate need for simple acceptance. His response (much to our dismay), is not improvement in those areas, but withdrawal to protect himself from further injury. Which in turns, intensifies our frustration, and on and on it goes.

Solution? We must cry out to God for His grace to be servants; to crucify the flesh and its lusts. I heard this quote once: “Marriage is not supposed to make me happy; it is intended to make me holy.” When our purpose in life is to see what we can do to make our husbands comfortable, encouraged, secure, appreciated and happy, only then will we be truly happy.

Here’s the hard part: we are the ones with the power to change the course of things in our marriages. I have spoken to women in broken marriages before who lay out all the ills of the relationship. They admit that they have some areas to work on, but then tell of all the impossible circumstances their husband creates. I told one young lady, “You’re not going to like this, but you are the one who needs to change”. She didn’t like it.

It doesn’t seem fair, but for better or worse, wives really do have a tremendous power to improve or destroy their marriages. (“A wise woman builds her house, but a foolish one tears it down.”) We are the catalysts of change. When we begin to accept our husbands, praising him for his strengths, and praying for his weakness, a miraculous change will occur. He will scale mountains to earn more praise!

I often remind myself that if I would treat my husband the same way as my children in areas I wish for change, the results would be dramatic. When one of my children displays an area of weakness, I try to search really hard for the smallest demonstration of improvement. And then I go crazy. “WOW!!! I just saw you let your sister go first–what a man you are! I’m so proud to have a son that is such a gentleman!” Of course he’s looking at me with a smile thinking “Either Mom is flippin’ out, or she’s not so hard to please after all! I’ll try that again!”

A few years ago my husband said the most piercing words I had ever heard…he rarely complains which is why I guess they were so hurtful. But he looked at me in defeat one day and said, “I can never do enough”. My heart sank and I purposed (and still fail often) to be more appreciative and grateful for the things he does (which are a whole lot!)

Let’s purpose to be servants in our home. Let’s find something today that we can sincerely thank our husbands for. Appreciation, Admiration, and Acceptance–the three A’s. Remember them!

To understand the proper aspects of marriage and our roles as wives, we must first understand the fundamental design God intended for us. This is where our secular culture begins to kick and scream (and sometimes us too!), but where Christians must fully submit to HIS purpose if they want a fulfilled life. He is the master architect; we can disagree with His blueprints all day long, but if we want a sturdy, beautiful masterpiece of a home, we must submit to His expertise and build it His way.

Here goes….

God created husband and wife as complimentary members of marriage, with ONE flesh, ONE purpose and ONE vision. All too often spouses resemble two different people, with two different agendas, schedules, goals and interests. It may seem right and “healthy” to live this way, but it will destroy a marriage. While of course each one may have hobbies or interests that they pursue individually, their overall pursuits should be characterized by a unified spirit.

He created the husband as the head of the operation, and created the wife as the assistant (helper). It is ridiculous to assume there can be two partners, equal in power, in any organization.

In essence, then, ladies, we were created to support, rally behind, encourage, and pour our energies into furthering the vision of our husbands.

Feminists gasp in horror at words like submission, obedience, and honor. But their agenda is absurd. They have set out to try to make a “family” just a unit of people, operating with separate agendas and equal authority, and stating that somehow that is what is going to make women happy. Just look around. Do you think it’s working?

I’m sure you’ve heard the analogy that compares marriage to the relationship between the President and Vice. Imagine the anarchy if there were two presidents! However, the Vice President serves a very important role that enables the President to fulfill the overall purpose of his job. The Vice President is not treated with disdain or of lesser importance by the President. I would think that he is the most honored member of the House!

So it is with husbands and wives. Nothing is more beautiful than when a woman is a crown to her husband… an extension of all that he is. When a wife embraces this vision of her role, the rewards are a man who will conquer the world for her.

Let’s be reminded of our priorities as wives. It is so easy to lay aside his needs in pursuit of our own fulfillment. But it’s not right, and it’s not what will bring us ultimate fulfillment.

And for some of us, it may just be the little things. I must be careful that this computer doesn’t rob me from my husband. (If he comes home and doesn’t have clean socks, but I’ve been here all day, I probably need to re-prioritize!) It can be our children, our friends, the telephone, books, homeschooling–anything that comes before his needs must be reassigned to a different place.

One closing suggestion: I don’t do this often enough, but I’ve heard the excellent suggestion of asking your husband what is important to him, practically speaking, on a daily basis. (For some it is laundry, for some it is intimacy.) And then, purpose to do those things before anything else.

I loved this observation from Dr. Laura (as you know I’m reading her book)…a caller called in whining that she was too tired to give her husband the physical intimacy that he desired. Dr. Laura answered, “That’s no excuse. It’s your obligation. Take vitamins, exercise more, take something off your plate. Do whatever you have to do–he’s first!”

I think it’s an art that must be studied and practiced. We are busy women, pulled in many directions. We can be tired, grumpy and prone to pity parties 🙂 But we can start with the acknowledgement of what it is to be a virtuous wife and then beg the Lord for grace to become her!

One of the most commong things I hear among disgruntled wives is “well, he hasn’t earned my respect. I can respect him when he acts respectable”. (I am shocked to discover how many Christian women even hold this sentiment!)

Hogwash! That is not what the Bible teaches, and it is certainly not what will make a happy marriage. I’m not saying it’s easy, but we are commanded to respect him, and his deserving is irrelevant.

The irony is that only when we respect him, is there any hope of his becoming the man God created him to be.

I’m already convicted! Here’s where the punch is: I am to honor my husband, what he does, the decisions he makes, the way he drives :-), regardless of whether I think he did it the wrong way, or could have done it a better way.

I tend to think that he is so fortunate to have a wife who can constantly improve on him. “Why, with my guidance, imagine the man he could be!”

What a horrible contrast to honor, deference, and esteem! Now of course there are proper ways to speak our opinions and wishes to our husbands. But so often it is the way we do it.

I close this blog with the simple recipe for a happy marriage, with MUCH more to come in the following days:

Admiration, Approval and Affection…these are the 3 A’s a wife must learn if she is to have a truly happy marriage.

Ponder those for a little while…do our words, our facial expressions, our “silent attitudes” tell him we APPROVE of who he is? That we ADMIRE who he is? And have we made physical touch our “love language”, even if it is not? (Hmmmmm….hard one!)